The Mirror

Sara is a person who pretends to have compassion for other people. Yet, her expression of compassion is merely a reflection of how she would respond to the same situation. Sara doesn’t ask questions to discover how another person really feels; she just makes assumptions based upon her personal view of the world. Other people are only mirrors of her self-image. Sara is very critical of other people; but these criticisms are only projections. In essence, others are verbally attacked when she sees her own weaknesses reflected in them; and often, the “accused” doesn’t possess the negative character trait. Sara’s behavior is similar to the old adage, “we don’t see things as they are; we see things as we are.”

Projection is dangerous because it is difficult to recognize. Criticisms do not necessarily apply to other people; they may just be reflected weaknesses of the person who is doing the criticizing. If the criticizers can find fault with others, then they assume that they do not possess the fault themselves; but the opposite is usually true. It’s hard to notice a fault in someone else if you have not first noticed it in yourself. For example, a person who is untrustworthy may continually criticize others for devious intentions, even if those intentions are not actually present. People who criticize others need to take a hard look at themselves. The attributes that are the most upsetting are the usually the ones that they are trying to avoid or attributes that they find most objectionable about themselves. As Confucius said, “When you see someone of worth, think of how you may emulate. When you see someone unworthy, examine your own character.” Similarly, Carl Jung said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

Why is it so easy to be judgmental? What purpose does it serve? Usually, people who are judgmental find that their judgments make them feel better about themselves, at least temporarily. Since we are all are haunted by insecurities, many of us need to continually rationalize our behavior, attitudes, and belief systems. External judgments create a false sense of self-validation by believing that others possess a negative attribute that we do not share. When we judge others, we are openly saying that the attribute is negative and erroneously, it makes us feel that we do not possess the same characteristic. For example, it’s easy to pass judgment against materialism by saying that someone else is “inferior” because he or she is materialistic. It’s harder to admit that someone else’s materialism is uncomfortable because we possess the same materialistic tendencies. In essence, the judgment is not about the other person’s behavior; instead, we are indirectly saying that we are disappointed in ourselves because we have been unable to overcome the same negative temptation. According to Brian Weiss, MD, “Projection is the psychological action of denying your fear and unconscious motivations and then giving these fears and motives to others. Be careful not to project your hidden feelings onto another or to ascribe motives and intent when there are none. This distortion of reality harms both you and the other.”

A famous Kabbalistic truth is: ”That which our eyes witness out in the external world, all the evil, all the wickedness, is but a mirror image reflecting the remains of evil that lay hidden and undetected in our hearts.” Michael Berg, famous teacher of the Kabbalah says, “The Baal Shem Tov teaches… that being as there are no coincidences, if we happen to see something negative by another person we can be certain that we ourselves have that same problem. As a matter of fact, being as we are extremely blind to our own failings but acutely aware of the failings of others, the Creator uses other people as a mirror for our own correction. This then is the only way that we should react when we see others doing something wrong, we should immediately realize that the reason why the Creator has shown us this is to alert us to our own wrongdoing in that regard… Being as everything we see in others is a mirror to our own wrongdoings, then we can be sure that if we judge another person we are judging ourselves for negative actions that we have already committed.”

Typically there is a correlation between a lack of self-esteem and the need to judge. Deepak Chopra says, “to make ourselves feel safer from being judged, we look for faults in others first... When you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself.” Chopra further states, “You will never feel better about yourself by making others look worse. Engaging in the habit of criticism only postpones the day when your own secret judgments come to light…Projection always hides a feeling you don’t want to look at. If you examine any negative trait you insist is present in another person, you will find the same trait hiding in yourself. The more you deny this trait, the more strongly you will have to project it. Thus if you habitually defend yourself before being accused, you feel guilty. That guilt needs to be faced in order to stop the projection. If you feel that the man or woman you love is constantly looking at others with sexual interest, you are the one who cannot be trusted.” In the same vein, Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, “Nothing that we despise in the other man is entirely absent from ourselves. We often expect from others more than we are willing to do ourselves.”

Some people may simply criticize the opposite characteristic of what they possess as a form of self-rationalization. For example, a person who continually confronts problems may criticize someone who avoids confrontation. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the characteristic is negative, it only means that the person criticizing has developed the opposite character trait. Another reason for projection is a person’s inability to acquire a particular attribute. For example, people without money may judge others who spend frequently only because they are unable to purchase the luxury items that they secretly desire. Yet, when two avid shoppers get together, they would never think about calling the other person materialistic.

Fear is another motivation for projection. If someone is afraid of their weakness for smoking, they may criticize smokers harsher than people who never smoked. Constructive criticism comes from love, not judgment. Judgment comes from a need to feel superior to whatever is being judged. It is often difficult to tell the difference.

We need to recognize that any judgment makes us feel more alone. When we recognize that we don’t like a particular character trait, we create a barrier to connecting with a person who possesses that trait. The more we judge someone, the more distant we become. Eventually, we may decide that a certain person has too many “negative” attributes, which can cause us to exclude this person from our lives. Or we may find that too many of our own weaknesses are overtly expressed by another person and it then becomes too uncomfortable to continue a relationship with that person. In either case, our judgments drive a wedge into the relationship and eventually, we find ourselves alone. Is it better to judge others and remain alone or should we be more accepting of weaknesses (including our own) in order to allow more people into our lives?

In the fairytale, the mirror always tells us what we want to hear. If we see beauty in others, we see it in ourselves. If we see something disagreeable, then we are convinced that it is not our reflection; but mirrors reflect ourselves, both the positive as well as the negative. True empathy must shatter the mirror. We cannot see ourselves in others and we cannot use our own experiences as a judgment of appropriate behavior for others. We have to change the mirror to glass. We need to be able to peer through the glass and see the reality of the image behind the glass instead of peering through the glass and seeing ourselves.

Projection is damaging and hurtful and can convince others of possessing attributes that they do not own. There are subjective perceptions and objective perceptions. Subjective perceptions are how other people see us. Objective perceptions are how we really are. They are both valid, but which one is real? Some actors have difficulty with personal relationships because others think they are similar to the characters they have played. They become the product of other people’s perceptions before they have the opportunity to reveal their true character. It takes great effort to overcome a preconceived impression. Yet, aren’t we all actors playing different roles? Do people see the roles we play or can they see behind the mask that is disguising our true character? Some people are cruel even if others perceive them to be kind.

Many people simply do not know themselves very well. These people have no choice except to see themselves as others see them because they can’t tell the difference. Subjective perceptions are valid only if people allow others to define them. Their innate character is hidden even from themselves. Their self-perceptions change as the critic changes. Conflicting self-images are accepted and these individuals become comfortable portraying different characters when a new script calls for a different role.

Projection is painful because we hear statements that may conflict with our own internal image. We are left wondering whether we are unable to see ourselves clearly. Sometimes after we hear painful comments, we need to step back and ask, “Are they talking about me or themselves?” We are the only ones who can answer that question and only if significant time has been invested in discovering our true identity. The challenge in life is how to balance other people’s perceptions with reality. If self-knowledge is acquired and if we can avoid the temptation of surrendering to others’ opinions, another human being can never define our character.

Someone may recognize something that we have buried below the surface, but on some level we know that it exists. We may not want to accept it, but a part of us knows whether it is true. We need to have the strength to separate fact from fantasy. The challenge is to turn the projection around. Instead of allowing others to see us through their own reflection, the mirror needs to be our own.

How many people can truly separate themselves from someone else in order to see others’ problems objectively? How many people can put aside their own needs in order to understand what other people want? For example, some people want advice; others want compassion; and some people just want someone to listen. As a generalization, men want to offer advice because they are problem solvers. Yet, women often just want someone to listen because sharing emotion relieves the pain. To get beyond the gender differences, we have to see people as individuals, rather than as reflections of ourselves. Listening requires understanding and it is not about understanding the problem, it is about understanding the wants and needs of the other person.

A frustrated colleague confessed, “Every time I discuss a problem with one of my friends, she immediately tells me about one of her own experiences. Sometimes the story is completely unrelated to what I just said or the connection is so distant that it takes another 15 minutes to get back to the original point. She may have heard my words but she wasn’t listening. She was just waiting to see how she could make my words relate to her own life. She had no idea that I wanted compassion instead of a recognition that she had similar experiences. She could never understand that her own experiences were completely unrelated to my needs.”

Compassion, pity and empathy are entirely different emotions but the nuances are subtle. Compassion is the statement, “I care.” Pity is the statement, “I feel sorry for you.” Empathy is the statement, “I share your pain.” Deepak Chopra says, “To be compassionate is not to take pity; it is to extend care to others simply because you see their need.” Compassion comes from the heart and is an expression of equality. Pity is condescending and comes from a position of perceived superiority. Empathy comes from the soul. Compassion and pity result from being separate from the person in pain. Empathy creates a bond that brings two people together as one.

Words appear backwards in a mirror because a mirror distorts reality. A mirror shows an image that only appears to be similar to the truth. The truth never reveals itself transparently. Underneath all the layers of misconception and distortion, visionaries can see beyond an image’s reflection. They hear words in silence and beauty in pain; and they recognize that the opposite of “reality” may actually be the truth.

Why do People Choose Evil?

I’ve often wondered why some people choose evil. We all have the free will to choose good over evil even when greed, power, hatred, and the need for self-importance tempt us to choose evil. Some individuals resist the temptations and others do not. What are the distinguishing factors that lead some toward evil and others toward righteousness?

Fear is a motivation that causes many to resist evil temptations. If we believe in religion or a higher power, the fear of punishment ensures that we will choose good over evil. For some, evil is not even considered as an option. It is simply out of the question. On the other hand, if certain individuals do not believe in God or eternal life, the present becomes more important than an uncertain future. The benefits offered by greed and power offer immediate gains that can be rationalized as self-interest.

The ones who are overcome by evil do not consider self-interest bad. They ignore the people who are hurt by their actions and they do not think it is their “job” to consider the needs or feelings of others. They do not believe that we are all connected and they are incapable of empathy. The welfare of their neighbors is unimportant and irrelevant. Self-interest is often exaggerated by viewing the self as superior to others. They intentionally say things that they know will cause pain.

Some evil people are driven by hatred and revenge. They believe these emotions cannot be controlled and they often see themselves as victims of injustice. If they believe that the world “owes” them something, they feel justified in hurting others. They see it as retribution instead of evil.

Some people wonder why God “allows” the presence of evil in this world – wasn’t the messiah supposed to put an end to evil? Yet, God does not allow evil or disallow it; He only gives us free will. Scott Peck refers to evil as a “failed experiment.” If we view our Creator like a scientist, then an evil soul is an experiment that has “room for improvement…and we have as much to learn from failed experiments as from successful ones.”

In fact, the people who are tempted by evil have the greatest opportunity for transformation; and many believe that in the “eyes” of our Creator, a transformation is more sacred than a person who has been righteous his entire life. In The Way, Michael Berg tells the following story: Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berdichov was a very righteous man. One day he happened to have a conversation with a very evil person. Rabbi Yitzchak considered the man and said, ‘I envy you.’ The evil man, knowing the rabbi’s reputation, laughed, ‘why would you possibly envy me?’ And the rabbi replied, ‘Because if you change, you have more potential to reveal the Light of the Creator than I do.”

Evil intentions live in a person’s soul. They thrive and grow and eventually have a life of their own. These people feel controlled by evil and do not think they have the power to overcome negativity. They rationalize their actions through excuses -- society, their parents, and the inherent inequities of the world are to blame. They are unable to take responsibility for their actions and are too weak to change. In this case, they feel that evil chooses them.

Evil people fail to realize that they are creating a personal hell. Bitterness, negativity and hatred are not emotions that make us happy. The people who live with these emotions may feel power by achieving unethical victories and their wealth may increase -- but they must live with their own unhappiness even if it remains unrecognized. As a result of their immorality, they lose friends and others do not trust them. Unfortunately, these people have never realized that true happiness is based on our relationships with others; not on power, greed or wealth.

We all know right from wrong and our conscience never sets us free. Even if evil people don’t recognize their personal hell, their guilt still haunts them (unless they do not have a conscience). It appears in their dreams and their unhappiness subliminally affects every action and emotion. As they approach death, they realize that all their “accomplishments” were in vein. When they are lying on their deathbed, the money and power are worthless. They finally realize the value of all the relationships that were lost and they simply feel alone and unfulfilled. We all need to feel that we contributed something positive to this world. If our achievements help us at someone else’s expense, we have done nothing worthwhile -- if we help others to become better people, we have done more than our share. Since like attracts like, evil people tend to spend time with others who are similar to themselves. They don’t help others evolve; instead, they provide encouragement for a downward spiral that leads to the abyss of negativity.

Evil people do not actually recognize their own evil. They would never classify themselves as bad people. Every action and thought has a reason and they believe their actions are appropriately justified. Yet, they can never really love anyone but themselves. Without love, life has no purpose. They can create purpose through their work, but eventually they know that external events are never enough. The initial thrill dies and they feed their evil by hurting others. Their hatred becomes their substitute for love.

Some evil people rape, kill and steal but these actions are not always done by people who are evil. According to Scott Peck, “During my career as a psychiatrist, I spent some time working in prisons with convicted criminals. While many think that the problem of evil is confined to those who are locked up, seldom have I experienced inmates as truly evil people. Obviously they are destructive, and usually repeatedly so. But there is a kind of randomness to their destructiveness. Moreover, although they generally deny responsibility for their evil deeds, there is still a quality of openness to their wickedness.” Scott Peck believes that the truly evil usually reside outside of jail. In the Road Less Traveled and Beyond, he cites an example of a boy who committed suicide with a .22 rifle. The younger brother felt responsible for his brother’s death because of brotherly feuds and disagreements -- he just didn’t understand the reasons for the suicide. He began judging himself as evil and his parents did nothing to try to explain the suicide or to relieve the younger brother of his guilt. He was also not taken to a therapist. At Christmas, this boy’s “big” present was the gun that had killed his brother, which sent a chilling message to the young child, and he began to feel more responsible for his brother’s suicide. He couldn’t help wondering why his parents had given him the gun – were they implying that he deserved the same fate? His parents committed an atrocity by giving him this gun but they did not believe the action was evil. Although these people acted with extreme evil, they never considered themselves evil people.

Another example of misunderstood evil was related to me by a close friend. His mother gave birth to him but due to the embarrassment that she was not married; my friend was raised by his grandparents until he was five years old. When he asked his grandparents where he came from, they told him that they found him in a trashcan. He spent the first five years of his life believing that his natural parents threw him away. To this day, he has severe problems with self-esteem. When I asked him whether his grandparents loved him, he replied, “Yes, they loved me, they gave me presents all the time.” He could not disassociate materialism from affection. He further told me that his parents and grandparents continued to tell him that he would never succeed at anything. He loved being a drummer but he was told that he was too fat to be a drummer. Due to evil words and severe condemnation, he grew up believing that he was never good enough, that love was represented through material possessions and that he must have done something horrible to cause his parents to throw him away. Unfortunately, these types of evil actions happen more often than we think.

Most of us would say that we have never met anyone who was truly evil because evil is often hard to recognize. Evil hides in intentions that are hidden from others. The most evil people we know may also appear to be the kindest. The act of kindness can be used as a way to manipulate or to take advantage of others. Even if we discover the evil acts, we justify it as an aberration or we blame ourselves. We just don’t want to believe that some people in our lives are truly evil.

History often exposes evil people, but at the time, these leaders were not considered evil at all. The Germans loved Hitler; they gave their lives for him; and the children sang songs to praise him. Even Osama Bin Laden’s followers do not think he is evil – they just believe he is effectively supporting their beliefs. During the Holy Crusades and the Inquisition, the leaders were considered sacred, instead of evil.

Extreme insecurity that results in sadism or narcissism often leads to the presence of evil in very different ways. Sadists are evil because they classify other individuals as “inferior” and they receive fulfillment when these “inferior” people suffer (either psychologically or physically). They purposely hurt others in a never-ending pursuit to convince themselves of their superiority. In essence, they simply make themselves feel more important by putting others down. Relative to other people, they find their own “greatness.” They disguise their self-hatred and subconscious feelings of inadequacy by convincing themselves that others are beneath them. Their evil is expressed through hatred, anger, criticism, abuse, prejudice and violence. It is a belligerent, barbaric form of evil where they are the aggressors.

Narcissists live in a world that is monopolized by their own interests and concerns. These are the people who talk about themselves and their problems incessantly. Since their world revolves around only them, others are insignificant and thus, others’ interests are irrelevant. Narcissists usually express evil by manipulating others for their own gain or avoidance, rather than through overt aggression. Others are seen as pawns who can be used or sacrificed to accomplish the narcissists’ goals. Narcissists overcompensate for their subconscious self-hatred through an inflated ego and by believing that other people are inconsequential or unimportant. Relative to their inflated view of “self,” they find their own “greatness.” Their lives are ruled by fantasies and false perceptions of self-importance. Narcissists express a more sophisticated form of evil and often they see themselves as victims. The following chart summarizes the similarities and differences of sadism and narcissism.

The evil expressed through Nazism incorporated both narcissism and sadism. Narcissistic tendencies made the Nazis believe that Aryans were vastly superior and other races were either inconsequential or inferior. Undoubtedly, Nazis had an obsessively inflated view of their self-importance. At the same time, sadism was expressed through psychotic supremacy attitudes that were ingrained in their psyches as they embraced their condescending beliefs that others were beneath them. Their sadism led to the mass prejudice and humiliation of the Jews and the overt aggression, brutality and murder in the concentration camps. Jews were seen as sub-human, which made the Nazis believe in their exaggerated importance; and the degradation of Jews made them feel better about themselves. The German people probably weren’t narcissistic or sadistic. They were simply a battered society that had lost confidence in themselves after World War I. They needed to increase their feelings of self-importance and the narcissism of Nazism allowed them to do this. Many leaders on the other hand, were probably narcissists or sadists; depending on what position they held. The sadists ended up controlling the concentration camps and their sadistic tendencies were unleashed on millions of “inferior” people. Many of the camp commanders and SS officers received great pleasure from humiliating and brutalizing the inmates. On the other hand, the narcissists probably ended up leading military units. Their inflated views of self-worth allowed them to believe in their superiority, which enhanced the capabilities of the armed forces. Hitler was both a narcissist and a sadist so he appealed to both types of personalities. The combination of accepted narcissism and sadism led to a presence of evil that was unprecedented on this planet.

This type of narcissism and sadism was not exclusive to Nazi Germany or far off times. In the 1960’s, Blacks were humiliated, taunted and murdered due to the same type of narcissism and sadism. Charles Manson was also an extreme narcissist and pathological sadist. His followers were vulnerable to his brainwashing because Manson’s form of narcissism alleviated their own insecurities. There were many similarities between Manson and Hitler; thus, it is not surprising that Charles Manson was obsessed with reading literature about Hitler. Similar manipulation tactics were used to instigate some of the most evil acts ever witnessed in the 20^th century.

It is difficult to disassociate narcissism from sadism because they are very similar. Some people are exclusively narcissists but most sadists have narcissistic tendencies. In other words, narcissists can believe that they are the center of the world without receiving pleasure from other people’s suffering. They are more concerned that their own gratification is ensured. Other people do not have to be harmed to achieve their objectives (unless they get in the way or are needed for certain aspirations). However, sadism usually starts with narcissism because deriving pleasure from others’ suffering is accompanied by an attitude of supremacy and an inflated ego. This form of narcissism is then followed by the need to put others down to obtain continuous feelings of superiority (like a drug addict who must continually feed an addiction). The continuum extends from there. Eventually, the harmful insults may be exacerbated to include taunting, humiliation, degradation, abuse (psychological and physical) and violence. Extreme evil occurs when narcissism and sadism are fully integrated together.

Many narcissists and sadists still live in the world today and individuals who are similar to the “evil Nazis” are living respectable lives in a more humane society. Their evil tendencies cannot erupt into brutality because there is not an accepted outlet for expression. In modern society, their evil is more subtle and their aggression is more subverted. Yet, they are still among us and under the right conditions, the sadism and narcissism can transform itself into massive cruelty and extreme evil.

All of us have committed evil acts because we are not perfect. At what point is the deed distinguished from a person’s character? If someone commits 100 evil acts, is this person evil? Or does it take 1,000 evil acts to define an evil character? Actually, the number is misleading; the person who does 100 things wrong could also do 10,000 things right. Evil is a state of mind, not an external evaluation. Some evil people do not do anything that is blatantly wrong. Their intentions are cruel and they end up hurting people’s feelings beyond repair. Their rationalization for the pain is that a person chooses to be hurt; words cannot cause pain if they are ignored. The key question is whether the person wants to help or harm others. Evil people desire harm.

Some people seem to be born evil. Even as children, they commit evil acts that shock and horrify their parents and friends. People who believe in reincarnation explain this condition as a character trait that was developed in previous lives. If the reincarnated soul is comfortable with evil, he or she is likely to repeat it.

The conundrum is not why someone chooses evil over good because the temptations for evil present themselves continually. The real question is why the majority chooses good over evil when it is clearly the harder path. People who are good do not believe that it is difficult to do the right thing. They understand that pleasure and happiness are derived by helping others. They choose to reject evil because they could never live with themselves or the guilt. At the end of the day, we answer to no one except ourselves. If we cannot live with our actions, we cannot live at all. Other individuals are “good” because they believe in karma. Positive actions “erase” negative ones and they believe that the positive energy will eventually come back to them. Furthermore, many of these people believe in an afterlife. They know that no action remains hidden from the universe. They could not face their guides or creator if they were uncomfortable with their behavior on earth. We can create our own hells in the afterlife and these people do not want to go to a self-created state of misery and regret.

I have often wondered whether many people who refrain from killing would murder if there were no laws. Do people avoid murder because they are afraid of the legal consequences of getting caught or do they avoid it because they know it is wrong? I think the answer is a mixture of both. In a state of anarchy, many “righteous” citizens would murder for hatred, revenge or greed. If they knew there would be no earthly consequences for their actions, they may choose to kill. Others could never kill a human being even without a legal system. These people believe that the consequences for their actions are more comprehensive than lawyers, courtrooms and jails. These people will do the right thing without a law requiring them to do so. We all must live with ourselves and we should never do anything that we aren’t proud of. If we fail from time to time, we have to be committed to change. At the end of the day, we need to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with the person we’ve become.

None of us are free from evil. We only have the power to resist it or to feel remorse when we succumb to its power. We also need to know how to recognize evil in others. Statements about hatred and revenge are obvious clues. We need to distance ourselves from these negative emotions because they can become attached to us even if we don’t desire it. I’ve been around extremely negative people and I find that my body physically reacts to the contaminated energy. This is a form of “people pollution.” I find myself backing away from them subconsciously and limiting contact to a minimum. My arguments against hatred and revenge are ignored by these people, so I know that I can do nothing to change them. Yet, we can feel compassion for their internal suffering and for the conditions they are creating for continual unhappiness. We can even pray that something or someone will convince them to be positive about life. The battle against evil has to be fought through positive examples. If others see us resisting evil, then maybe they can do the same.

Revenge and Karma

I’ve never understood revenge. When someone does something horrible to me, enough damage has been done. I don’t want to exacerbate the damage by inflicting additional pain through a separate negative action. I also believe in universal balance, or karma. “What goes around, comes around” is not just a proverb; I’ve seen it happen over and over again. When people hurt others, they are soon experiencing pain from an “unrelated” event.

Revenge is different from justice. Justice just means that people should be responsible for their actions; but it does not mean that more pain should be inflicted simply to “balance the score.” Ensuring that individuals are responsible for the pain they have caused is a form of justice. An associate recalled, “My best friend and I had plans for a Saturday night and at the last minute, she cancelled. Since I was really looking forward to a night on the town, I was extremely hurt by her betrayal. I later found out that she had gone out with another group of people because they had an invitation to a trendy party. She lied to me when she canceled our plans and thought that I would never find out the truth... I finally confronted her with her actions only because I thought she should be aware of the pain she caused me that night. After that conversation, she never spoke to me again.” Many people are unable to face the cruelty of their own actions and prefer to avoid any form of confrontation. This avoidance is usually based on fear. They are afraid of being held accountable for their actions, they are afraid of repercussions and they are afraid of admitting their own inadequacies even to themselves; just hearing the truth about their behavior causes pain. The extreme form of avoidance is to run away from the person who has been hurt, which causes more pain for both people. In this case, justice leads to further separation and betrayal.

There is nothing wrong with confronting people with the pain they have caused, even if the end result is painful. Individuals need to be responsible for their behavior. If we do not confront the people who have committed the inequity, the hostility can build inside ourselves, which can be psychologically damaging. Yet, based on fear, we live in a society where some people avoid all forms of negativity, even at the expense of justice. “Sometimes, it is just better to leave things alone,” replied the same associate. “If I had known that confronting the truth about her betrayal would have caused our friendship to end, I never would have mentioned it.” Past experience with confrontations about negative behavior can lead to a complete avoidance of anything unpleasant in an attempt to preserve the “friendship.” Yet real friends can face the responsibility of the pain they cause others, without destroying the relationship. Someone who runs away from others when negativity is exposed could never be a real friend to anyone. These people are continually running away from themselves and they repeatedly refuse to take responsibility for their actions. It is no different from someone who runs away from the law after committing a crime. In both cases, justice is being avoided.

Revenge is an emotion that is based on hatred, rather than justice. Negative actions are pursued only to further punish the person who inflicted the initial pain. Taking responsibility for actions is never enough. The “victim” feels that a greater punishment is deserved. Revenge appears to make the “victim” feel better but actions based on hatred only cause pain. Spinoza states, “ To hate is to acknowledge our inferiority and fear; we do not hate a foe whom we are confident we can overcome. He who wishes to revenge injuries by reciprocal hatred will live in misery.” Wayne Dyer says, “To hold onto the pain and seek to exact revenge will simply keep you stuck in pain, and the problem will be exacerbated. The old Chinese proverb states… ‘If you’re going to seek revenge, you’d better dig two graves.’”

Revenge is similar to a punishment that exceeds the severity of the “crime.” Revenge also changes the balance of negative energy. Initially, the person who causes the pain has the “negative score” but once revenge occurs, negativity is also attached to the person who decides to be revengeful. In The Sermon on the Mount, Emmet Fox says, ”Jesus… says that when someone injures you, instead of seeking to get your own back or to repay him in his own coin, you are to do the very opposite – you are to forgive him, and set him free. No matter what the provocation may be, and no matter how many times it is repeated, you are to do this. You are to … let him go, for thus only can you be freed yourself…To return evil for evil, to answer violence with violence and hate with hate, is to start a vicious circle to which there is no ending.” He says that it is not a difficult feat to return love to those who love us. The challenge is to show love to those who hate us.

When negative actions are painful, rather than illegal, it is impossible to know the correct punishment. That is why the principle of karma is so powerful. It states that individuals do not need to decide the appropriate punishment because the universe ensures the natural balance of negative and positive energy. It is not justifiable to rationalize a negative action with another negative action because there are no guarantees that each act of negativity is equal. For example, a friend of mine once rationalized the fact that she cheated on her boyfriend by saying that he deserved it, because he had once cheated on her. Yet, his previous infidelity did not rationalize her latest betrayal. Her infidelity just created a new negative action. Justice would have been served by confronting her boyfriend about his previous act of infidelity. Perhaps there were extenuating circumstances that should have been considered and it is possible that his remorse for the action would have balanced the negative act. She also could have simply ended the relationship as a form of justice. However, once a new negative action occurs, it no longer relates to the first act of betrayal; the new negativity creates its own “balance sheet.” For example, if an act of infidelity is also an act of revenge, it embodies two negative actions, instead of just one. There is negativity for the act of betrayal and there is additional negativity for the desire to hurt another individual through revenge. These two acts of infidelity are not equal, which means that each action has its own appropriate punishment.

The way a person is confronted also affects the balance of negativity. I have always believed that it is appropriate to address the negative actions but it is unfair to extend those actions to generalizations about negative character traits. Stating that a person’s behavior is hurtful is different from saying that the person is cruel. This distinction is frequently misunderstood because many people cannot separate their actions from their character, even though actions do not always equate to character. Since we are not perfect, unselfish people often commit selfish acts. Telling someone that an action was selfish is different from saying that the person is selfish. In spite of painstaking efforts to make this distinction, I have found that when people repeat back what I have said, they substitute a perception about negative character traits for the words that I said about negative actions. I’ve also noticed that other people don’t make this distinction. If I commit a selfish act, I am told that I am a selfish person. I can take responsibility for acting selfishly in a particular instance, but I think it’s unfair to label me as a selfish person without being able to accurately measure my acts of selfishness vs. unselfishness over my entire lifetime.

Karma is the universal system of justice and it is conducted without emotion or negative judgment. Karma is different from justice because it is not really punishment; it is only an opportunity for future learning. Karma states that for every action there will be a corresponding and appropriate reaction. In the Bible, it is stated, “What you sow, that is what you reap.” If someone acts positively, then positive energy will come back to the person and if someone acts negatively, then negative energy will come back to the person. There is actually no need for human interference with this system because it works flawlessly. It works just like a boomerang. The boomerang comes back to us every time it is thrown into the air. Inevitably, we are responsible for our actions.

In The Sermon on the Mount, Emmet Fox explains that when Jesus said “With what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again,“ he was preaching the law of Karma. Fox says, “As we think, and speak, and act toward others, so will others think, and speak, and act towards us. Whatever sort of conduct we give out, that we are inevitably bound to get back. Anything and everything that we do to others will sooner or later be done to us by someone, somewhere. The good that we do to others we shall receive back in like measure; and the evil that we do to others in like manner we shall receive back too. This does not in the least mean that the same people whom we treat well or ill will be the actual ones to return the action. That almost never happens; but what does happen is that at some other time or place, often far away and long afterwards, someone else who knows nothing whatever of the previous action will, nevertheless, repay it, grain for grain, to us. For every unkind word that you speak to or about another person, an unkind word will be spoken to or about you. For every time that you cheat, you will be cheated. For every time that you deceive, you will be deceived. For every lie that you utter, you will be lied to. Every time that you neglect a duty, or evade a responsibility, or misuse authority over other people, you are doing something for which you will inevitably have to pay by suffering a like injury yourself…People are very apt to think, especially when they are tempted, that they can probably escape the law of the land…or slip through the clutches of authority in some other way. They hope that individuals will forgive them, or else be powerless to revenge their actions; or that the thing will be forgotten sometime; or better still, that they will never be found out at all. If, however, they understood that the law of retribution is a Cosmic Law, impersonal and unchanging as the law of gravity…they would think twice before they treated other people unjustly. The law of gravity never sleeps, is never off duty or off its guard, is never tired out, is neither compassionate nor vindictive; and no one would ever dream of trying to evade it, or coax it, or bribe it, or intimidate it. People accept it as being inevitable and inescapable, and they shape their conduct accordingly – and the law of retribution is as even as the law of gravity…Some Christian people, upon hearing the law of retribution explained, have objected that this is Buddhism or Hinduism, and not Christianity. Now it is perfectly true that this law is taught by the Buddhists and by the Hinduists, and wisely so – because it is the law of nature.”

With karma, individuals are held responsible for their actions even if punishment or confrontation never occurs. Sometimes I do not ask others to take responsibility for their actions because I have faith that universe will provide the balancing response. This is particularly true if a person’s actions caused an incredible amount of pain or if I believe that the confrontation will not change behavior or cause remorse. If I am unsure that I will respond appropriately or if I am afraid that I will overreact, I may remain silent because I don’t want the confrontation to cause additional negative “check marks” on my personal balance sheet. Sometimes, it is just better to forgive and move on. If we decide to avoid confrontation, we must honestly forgive the person who betrayed us. Without forgiveness, the painful actions continue to haunt us. Resentment creates attachment and forgiveness frees us from lingering pain and contempt.

Some people believe if they don’t “get caught,” they have avoided the negative consequences of their actions. This is often the case when someone lies to another person. If the lie is not exposed, the person believes that no harm has been done. If the lie is told in an attempt to prevent pain for another person, the negativity is probably minor. However, if the lie is told for reasons of personal gain, the lack of exposure does not eliminate responsibility. The liar may not recognize the “punishment” but undoubtedly, it occurs. A future negative action happens to the person and it only appears to be unrelated to the original infraction.

A “red flag” is always present when people continually portray themselves as “victims.” They believe that numerous negative events are happening to them, without any negative actions on their part. Many “victims” are actually very negative people. Their “bad luck” stories seem to be unrelated to actions on their part, when indirectly they have brought the bad luck to themselves. Everyone is exposed to some level of “bad luck” but repeated bad luck usually implies some form of personal responsibility. In fact, many people who call themselves “victims” are often the victimizers. Other people become the victims of their own cruel actions.

Retribution can be unnoticed unless the person is looking for it. “I once found $20 in a money machine, which I thought was a stroke of good luck,” recalled my neighbor. “Yet, I saw the person who had just left the machine. I could have run after that person to see if the money belonged to him, but I didn’t. Three days later, I lost $20. It was in my pocket when I left my house, but when I got to the grocery store, it was gone.” Some people might call this story a coincidence but these types of coincidences happen all the time.

People who believe in reincarnation explain continual “bad luck” on negative balance sheets that carry over from one life to the next. In other words, karma continues forever. They also believe that retribution (or justice) can occur between the same two people even if the act is unpunished at the time of death. This especially becomes necessary if one person kills another. If the murderer is not held responsible in one life, the responsibility can carry forward to a future life (and since the person who was killed cannot impose retribution in the first life, personal retribution would have to occur in a future life).

It is difficult to determine whether an action is balancing past karma or creating new karma. More often than not, the karma isn’t balanced at all. As explained in The Way of Karma by Charles Breaux, karma is often reflected by the presence of similar patterns that continue from one life to the next. It is difficult to break the pattern because resorting to the familiar feels more comfortable. It takes intense introspection and self-discovery to understand the patterns that we keep repeating in this life. For instance, if someone is motivated by power, it is likely that this motivation is in the subconscious as well as the conscious. It is hard to know what we have buried in our subconscious and it is difficult to see how these subconscious feelings are affecting our current behavior.

Discovery can occur by examining our fears. If we have a fear of subservience it may be because the desire for subordination is an innate part of our character. To overcome the fear and to change behavior is one way of removing the karma of our actions. We learn from past mistakes. Every mistake is a clue to our karma. If a mistake keeps repeating itself, it is a sign that we need to correct this behavior so that our character can evolve. We may keep encountering similar situations as an opportunity to change behavior. If we do not learn, we are likely to repeat.

Karma can also exist in relationships. If we naturally possess a particular character trait with certain people, it may be a lesson to change this particular behavior. In past life therapies, it has been found that people often keep repeating a particular character trait until it is consciously corrected. Removing the karma means that we first forgive ourselves and then be committed to change. According to Breaux, “the common ‘eye for an eye’ meaning of karma doesn’t really fit. Karma, as I often see it, is simply doing what we have done before. It’s being stuck in a rigid way of perceiving the world and acting in prescribed manners.”

If everyone believed in the power and enforcement of karma, negative actions would decline significantly. Karma is the only justice system where enforcement is 100%, which could be an extremely effective deterrent. It doesn’t matter if violators get physically caught, because they are still held accountable. A negative action committed without the knowledge of a single person (except the perpetrator) is still “punished” in one way or another and in most cases our worst prosecutors are merely ourselves. According to Joseph Goldstein in his essay, A Buddhist View of Karma, he says, “Compassion, as well as insight, arises from understanding karma. When we understand that unfair, harmful, or hateful actions rebound in suffering to the person committing them as well as to the recipient, we can respond to both with compassion rather than with anger or resentment.”

People have the power to create a positive balance sheet, regardless of actions in past lives. If significant effort is spent creating positive events and if forgiveness of others occurs regularly, negative karma can be changed to positive karma. Even little events can erase bad karma. For example, if a person does one nice thing every day, positive karma increases. The act of generosity can be as simple as taking a piece of trash off the street and putting it into a trashcan. Often, individuals might not pick up a piece of trash because they don’t feel responsible for it. They use rationalizations like, “I didn’t put the trash there,” or “it isn’t my job to pick up trash,” to avoid the action. Yet if they viewed that action as a way of creating a positive balance sheet, we might have cleaner streets without an investment in additional trash collectors.

Karma is justice but revenge is not. Revenge is only rationalized as justice. Revenge is the equivalent of cutting off a person’s hand for stealing a loaf of bread. In today’s society, the man who cuts off a thief’s hand is guilty of a crime because we recognize that his “rationalized punishment” was too severe for the crime. The beauty of karma is that even if we don’t recognize that revenge is an inappropriate punishment, we cannot escape its retribution. There is a reason that revenge is considered one of the “seven deadly sins.” Revenge is perceived as justice or punishment for someone else, while the justice of karma ensures that by committing revenge, we are only punishing ourselves. As the proverb states, “an eye for an eye makes everyone blind.”

The most confusing argument about justice vs. revenge is the issue of capital punishment. Some people argue that capital punishment is appropriate because it makes the victims’ families “feel better.” This is clearly an argument for revenge rather than justice. The question is whether capital punishment is the appropriate justice for heinous crimes. Can man effectively play God?

The issue becomes more confused when people argue economics or deterrence. In most cases, the difference between life in prison and death is irrelevant when an evil person decides to commit a heinous crime and the argument for deterrence is extremely difficult to prove (because we do not fully understand the workings of the criminal mind). There is no way to prove conclusively that a potential criminal refrains from murder because the state imposes capital punishment. It is true that the cost of imposing capital punishment is greater than the cost of life imprisonment but these costs should never be the determining factor in making an ethical decision about appropriate justice.

Some people argue against the death penalty because some innocent people are convicted. Yes, it has been shown that some innocent people are on death row but there are also some innocent people in jail for life. The issue is how we can ensure that innocent people are not convicted unfairly, rather than using these exceptions as an argument against capital punishment.

On the other side of the equation, capital punishment is rationalized as justice because some people believe that if any time a life is taken, the attacker should lose his life in return. The question is whether our legal system should sink to the level of the killer; if a killer commits a heinous act, does this mean that the state should conduct the same action? By saying that those who kill should be killed is a disguised argument for revenge.

Another argument for capital punishment is that our justice system is inefficient and people who are committed to life in prison are released too soon. It is unfair to argue that capital punishment is the appropriate justice for the crime only because there are flaws in our legal system. In this case, we need to work on correcting the legal system so that lenient sentences are not inflicted for serious crimes. This is a separate issue from whether capital punishment is the appropriate justice; instead, this is a question about the effectiveness of our current judicial system. If the system is ineffective, we should not overcompensate punishment or take justice into our own hands; instead, we should change the legal system so that it is more equitable.

The real question for me is whether capital punishment is unequivocally the worst punishment that can be imposed upon a human being. We naturally place capital punishment at the furthest end of the spectrum. Since we cannot see the person anymore and because we cherish life, we assume that the punishment of death is more severe than any other form of punishment. Undoubtedly, capital punishment ensures that the person will never commit a crime again (in this lifetime) but couldn’t this same assurance be guaranteed if the person were locked up for life with no chance for parole?

Why do we assume that death is the severest form of punishment for the convicted felon? We do not know what happens at death. What if death is not the end of our existence? What if the universe is more forgiving than we are? If death is not a negative experience, then the only guaranteed suffering is for the friends and family who care about the convicted criminal. It is possible that individuals take their personal “hells” with them as they pass from this dimension to the next, but heinous criminals probably don’t feel the kind of remorse that is needed to create this kind of hell.

The only thing we know for certain is that a life in prison takes away all personal freedoms and that the day-to-day experience is brutally painful. Some criminals may adapt to this lifestyle but surely they are not free or happy. A life in prison is no life at all. All of a person’s dreams and hopes are taken away. The suffering continues until the day of their death. In my opinion, no existence or punishment could be worse than this. Since the harsh punishment of a life in prison is the only thing we know for sure, why do we assume that a harsher punishment is an existence we know nothing about? The punishment should fit the crime. Shouldn’t we be focusing on ensuring the severity of life in prison rather than imposing a punishment that has an unknown result?

In Michael Newton’s book, Destiny of Souls, he documents an extensive number of hypnosis sessions with patients to explain what happens in between lives. He states, “Those souls who have been associated with evil are taken to special centers which some clients call ‘intensive care units.’ Here, I am told, their energy is remodeled to make it whole again. Depending upon the nature of their transgressions, these souls could be rather quickly returned to Earth. They might well choose to serve as the victims of others evil acts in the next life. Still if their actions were prolonged and especially cruel over a number of lives, this would denote a pattern of wrongful behavior. Such souls could spend a long while in a solitary spiritual existence, possibly over a thousand Earth years. A guiding principle in the spirit world is that wrongdoing, intentional or unintentional, on the part of all souls will need to be redressed in some form in a future life. This is not considered punishment or even penance as much as an opportunity for karmic growth. There is no hell for souls, except perhaps on Earth.” If this theory is correct, then capital punishment does not ensure that the heinous criminal is secluded from society. In fact, it may indicate that this soul returns to earth rather quickly as an opportunity to balance its karmic transgressions. Sylvia Browne (world renown psychic) states that evil people come back to earth immediately without any intensive care or exclusion. They immediately go from the death in one life to birth in the next. If her theory is correct, then capital punishment ensures that the person returns immediately to earth without any spiritual rehabilitation.

If Charles Breaux’s theory about karma is correct, the soul is more likely to repeat the negative pattern, rather than changing it. In other words, the evil people who die by capital punishment should have the same propensity toward evil in their future life as they had in their current life. Thus, if we put all of these theories together, it means that capital punishment may create more evil on earth in the long run, rather than less. After the state has extinguished a criminal’s current life, the evil person is quickly returned to earth where he or she can commit further atrocities. A life in prison, on the other hand, would have ensured that the criminal was secluded from society for a long period of time.

For actions that are not illegal, the best way to ensure that the punishment is commensurate to the crime is to allow the universe to function appropriately. Negative actions may be resolved without any action on our part and unethical acts that are legal do not escape justice. The danger of trying to impose our own system of justice onto others is that we are likely to overestimate the appropriate punishment for unethical acts because the pain is personal. There is a high probability that our self-administered judicial system could be creating self-punishment without our knowledge or consent.

It is also helpful to realize that betrayals do not need resolution between the two people involved. Each person needs to answer to himself and God. In other words, the issue is always between the person who committed the infraction and the higher power in the universe. All individuals are accountable for their actions, but they do not have to be accountable to the person who is betrayed. It is better to forgive the person with the comfort of knowing that all inequities are eventually resolved. Even if the betrayer seems to get away with something that is unfair, we must never forget that universal equity is the natural law of the universe.

When John Nash’s behavior was monopolized by schizophrenia, he actually drew an insightful model of the balance among revenge, justice, mercy and love. It appeared that each emotion was intimately connected. Revenge was the lowest form of emotion that was a part of a larger system of justice. Justice was incorporated into the larger emotion of mercy (or forgiveness) and surrounding all of these emotions was love. His model looked like this:

This model is completely rational. The compassion of unconditional love naturally encompasses the emotion of mercy or forgiveness. If mercy exists, there is no need for justice because the action is already forgiven. For example, if someone refuses to press charges, he or she is saying that there is mercy, which means that no action is needed from the judicial system. On the other end of the spectrum, when justice exists, there is no need for revenge (unless an individual is irrationally consumed by personal hatred and retribution). . It is also interesting that revenge is at the base of the model because revenge is based in hate, rather than love, and it would be consistent that an action based in hate would be on the opposite side of the spectrum from the emotion of love.

If love is the all-encompassing emotion, then its attainment could make mercy, justice and revenge unnecessary. If we unconditionally loved someone who had treated us with cruelty, would we need to impose mercy? If we honestly forgive, do we need punishment through justice? If we believe in universal justice, do we need revenge? The other interesting aspect of the continuum is that it ranges from actions of the heart to actions of the head. Love and mercy are positive emotions generated from the heart, while justice and revenge are usually intellectually calculated.

In The Beautiful Mind, John Nash’s character gives a beautiful speech about the connection of heart and mind at the Nobel Prize ceremony. He states, “I’ve always believed in numbers -- in the equations and logic that lead to reason. But after a lifetime of such pursuits I ask, what truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical the delusional and back. And I have made the most important discovery of my career -- the most important discovery of my life -- it is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logical reasons can be found.”

A more detailed model of the hate to love continuum is shown below. The arrows represent influences. The desire for justice can be influenced by hatred or influenced by mercy. The resulting actions may also depend on the motivating influence. For example, if the desire for personal justice is influenced by hatred (for an act that is not illegal), there may be harsh personal punishment. If this same act is influenced by compassion, the end result will probably be confrontation or accountability without punishment.

The emotion of love is a primary influence over the entire process because it has the power to create the emotions of mercy, compassion or empathy. Without love, these emotions may not even exist and in turn, justice is primarily influenced by negative emotions such as hatred or anger. The entire system requires a healthy balance between mercy and justice. As stated in Kabbalah, Kenneth Hansen says that if there were too much mercy, “this would result in criminals going free or tyrants unchallenged. On the other hand, if too much judgment were to emanate, the innocent might be punished or people suffer inordinately…God it seems, has two faces, one of judgment, the other of compassion. While these characteristics appear as mutually contradictory, they are in fact meant to be in balance, in divine coexistence. When the opposing forces in the universe are maintained in perfect balance, all inequities and injustices are avoided.”

If we want to be free of blame, it is probably best not to blame others. Forgiving others is positive and revenge toward others is negative. Based on the system of karma, by forgiving someone else, we are actually forgiving ourselves because we are creating positive energy that can mitigate our past acts of negativity.

The balanced scales that represent justice are extremely symbolic. We can refute or ignore the balanced scales of the universe, but we can’t hide from the truth by closing our eyes. We can fail to see justice by labeling continual misfortune as “a run of bad luck;” but we can’t avoid taking responsibility for our actions just by believing that karma doesn’t really exist.

The Downward Spiral of Suffering

Everybody suffers. We suffer through uncertainty; we suffer due to our relationships with others; we suffer from loneliness; and we suffer from our own insecurities. We suffer through illness, depression, boredom, procrastination, lack of purpose, pain, and growth. We suffer as a result of unrealized expectations or dreams that never came true. We suffer from the betrayals of others or by the friends that have disappeared. We suffer from rejection and loss of self-confidence; and we suffer most from our fears. We suffer from not having enough time or having too much time. Suffering is more “normal” than not suffering. When we see someone pass us on the street, we can be sure of only one thing – this person has suffered, is suffering or will suffer.

People who seem overly confident are suffering (such as the character that Matt Damon played in Good Will Hunting); people who are angry are suffering, people who are morose are suffering; people who are aggressive or shy are suffering and people who seem extremely happy can also be suffering. Suffering is an unavoidable characteristic of our humanity.

The only exceptions are people who have directly confronted their suffering and have learned to rise above it. These people have a calm, inner peace emanating from them. They seem extremely loving and compassionate and being around them tends to lift our spirits without any words being spoken. These people are the exception, instead of the rule. They are rare and hard to find.

Since anger is an “accepted” emotion, we may see anger more frequently than we see overt suffering. Yet anger is a form of suffering. If someone is angry with us, we need to understand that it is only because that person is suffering. The anger is not intended to cause us pain; but if we react with anger, then we are suffering too. The anger of a betrayal is due to the suffering caused by the betrayal. Anger over life’s inequities results because we suffer through similar inequities. Anger that results from pain is because we are suffering from the pain. Anger that is based on other people’s perceived inadequacies results from suffering from the same inadequacies or because we wish they were different people. Even if someone is annoying, the annoyance causes us to suffer.

The major problem with suffering is that it leads to more suffering. In many ways, it is a downward spiral. We want a magic cure to make our suffering go away, but we find that most people don’t want to be around us while we are suffering. They want us to be happy even when we are not. The loneliness and unwillingness of others to help us out of our suffering leads us to a greater form of suffering.

Suicide victims are caught in this downward spiral. There just seems no way out. They don’t want to impose their suffering on others and they can’t handle it themselves. Each year, there are more suicides than murders. These people have suffered greatly and most of their friends and family are shocked by the suicide. They had no idea that a loved one was in so much pain. We usually underestimate other people’s suffering. When someone commits suicide, more energy went into hiding the pain than into confronting it. We know that thousands of people commit suicide each year, but we cannot even begin to estimate the exorbitant number of people who are probably thinking about it.

A year ago, an acquaintance confessed that he had frequent thoughts about his own extinction during an extremely difficult period in his life. He said, “Every time I got on a plane, I had a secret wish that it would crash. I would dare cars to hit me and I never wore a seat belt. Even though I knew I would never commit suicide, I still hoped that my death would come. Silently, I would wish for death at least 10 times a day. I felt there was no way out of my suffering and I did not know how to survive it. The only remedies that got me from point A to B were escape tactics such as drugs or alcohol. I dreamed that someone compassionate would come into my life and help me deal with my suffering but my family was far away, I had no close friends and my acquaintances wanted me to be happy instead of sad. After a year of constant suffering I regained my psychological sanity, but only because I eventually learned that compassion for myself was my only savior.”

We need to have extreme empathy for the people who are stuck in the downward spiral of suffering. It’s easy to say that these people should know how to help themselves and if there is a problem, they just need to solve it. Many believe that if they can solve their own problems, then others should be able to do the same. These beliefs represent a condescending attitude toward others in pain and it is extremely naïve to assume that the relief of suffering has a neat and tidy solution. Life just isn’t that simple and sometimes individuals simply cannot tolerate their suffering without help from others. Most of the time, these people just need comfort and support to make it through the rough periods in life. Suffering is also accompanied by severe losses in self-esteem and extreme paralysis. If others are not empathetic, the person in pain can fall deeper into the downward spiral, which can be extremely dangerous for the person who is suffering.

Some people tend to judge others who are suffering by saying that they brought it onto themselves. Whether or not this is true is irrelevant. People need help, not judgment. As Michael Berg says in The Way, “What good does this judgment do? Instead, our first responsibility should be not to judge but to lend assistance. A person in pain needs relief, not moral reflection. A homeless man needs shelter, not philosophy, however well informed it might be. Unless we are certain that our judgment will help another person toward transformation, it is best to say nothing and to take positive action toward relieving the immediate distress. Often, the simple act of nonjudgmental listening is the best thing we can do for anyone. The whole purpose of spirituality is to become more conscious of the needs of others, more sympathetic, and more caring. So beware of the road that leads you in the other direction – toward judging others harshly. This is not a true spiritual path.”

Suffering is felt by the rich and poor, strong and weak, married or single, young or old. There is not one condition that frees someone from suffering. We thought Princess Diana had everything. We thought she had a fairytale life. Yet, while we thought that everything was wonderful, she was suffering from bulimia and had suicidal thoughts. She thought there was no cure for her suffering. Sarah Ferguson felt the same pain. She suffered greatly from her divorce and from the humiliation of the tabloids. She had debts she couldn’t pay. She could have crawled into a hole to hide, but instead she was committed to reinventing herself. The energy we have can be used for destruction or rehabilitation. The choice is up to us.

A bartender at our local bar is extremely judgmental. He thinks that other people are stupid (and he says he has no patience for stupid people), he has an argument against everything; he likes to be confrontational and even if he agrees with someone, he still disagrees with the person just to get a reaction. He accuses other people of being defensive and argumentative, when he is only describing himself. He insists that he has all the answers even though his answers conflict with each other. If someone challenges him, he attacks the person instead of the argument. We all know someone like this and many of us have some of these same characteristics.

Finally one day, I realized that this bartender was just angry. His anger was being expressed through discontent about things that seemed unrelated to himself, but his opinions and disagreements were just extensions of himself. I then realized that the bartender was simply suffering. His antagonism was an attempt to include others in his pain. Our natural tendency may be to stay away from people like this, but if we have compassion for suffering then we need to have compassion for these people. A person will only disagree with you if you let him. If you let him state his opinions with compassion about why he might have those opinions, the discussion can rest and the anger can be appeased. When the anger subsides, so does the suffering. These people can become our best teachers for learning compassion.

Buddhism teaches us that we suffer because of our desires. If we are grateful for what we already have, we will not suffer from what we lack. Suffering is often caused by focusing on what we don’t have. If we have money but we don’t have love, then the absence of love is the root of our suffering and if we have love but don’t have money, then the absence of money is the root of our suffering. Since we never have everything, we can always find a reason to suffer. Buddhism also teaches us that suffering is reduced by showing compassion to others and yourself. The best way to relieve your own suffering is by helping to alleviate other people’s pain.

In fact, the first noble truth in Buddhism is that everyone suffers. Without suffering, there could be no compassion in this world. When someone suffers, the pain gives everyone the gift of being able to show empathy; it is a subtle request from the universe to help others. Expressing compassion awakens the soul. This concept is represented in an old fable about a woman who goes to see her religious leader and asks for a magic cure for her suffering. The religious leader tells her to bring him a mustard seed from a family that has not suffered. She goes to the finest palace in the land and learns about their great suffering and pain. She then knocks on the door of the poor and finds great suffering. In her travels, she could not find a single household that was free from suffering but by sharing their pain and helping to console them, her own suffering was relieved. The magic cure for her suffering was achieved by having compassion for others.

Sometimes I have felt that my suffering had no release. These were the times I was consumed with fear or pain. I knew that if my fear was not appeased or if the pain did not subside, my suffering would continue. I eventually found release through faith, compassion for myself, and patience. I also had to be willing to surrender. Surrendering does not mean that someone has “given up;” instead, it is a form of humility. Surrendering requires a submission to powerful forces that can provide direction or grace. It is a form of inner peace, rather than weakness. Yet, surrendering cannot exist in a vacuum. Simultaneously, we need to believe that if we try to fix the problem, the solution will come. Whenever I have relaxed and had faith that my fears or pain would subside, they usually did. Miraculously, the problem seemed to find its own solution.

For example, in June 2003 (during the Great Recession), I was presented with this type of miracle. On the first of the month, I had no money for rent or food (and I was seriously in debt). I was consulting at the time and there were no potential clients in the pipeline (it usually takes 60 days to close a new contract). Instead of feeling fear and paralysis, I just had faith that something would miraculously appear (even though my friends accused me of living in a fantasy world). Intellectually, I knew the chances for survival were slim, so I placed ads to sublet my apartment and made tentative plans to move back to my parent’s house. As a backup plan, I rearranged the house and advertised for roommates. I had contacted a previous boss to sublet my apartment because I knew he was living in a temporary residence hotel. He told me that he did not want to sublet an apartment, but at the same time he said that his company needed to evaluate the regional distribution of their products. I immediately put together a proposal and he ensured that I was granted the project. In seven days, I received a check that allowed me to stay in my apartment. He threw me a lifeline just when I thought the “game” was over. Both of my partners left town that month due to the terrible business economy. Psychologically, I could have fallen apart but my faith in miracles allowed me to believe in a solution even though it was extremely unlikely. To my further surprise, a business associate called about a potential client during this same seven-day period. 24 hours after I received the miracle check, we received a commitment from a second client. This type of business activity was unprecedented during the recession. I was only a few weeks away from closing the business and moving out of my apartment but miraculously, I was saved. The unexpected business activity surpassed all my idealistic expectations for a solution. I was hoping for a small miracle but instead, I was given salvation. I remembered Michael Berg’s words in his book, The Way, “It’s not a matter of I’ll believe it when I see it. Instead, it’s When you believe it, you’ll receive it.”

Suffering is a great teacher. As Mother Teresa said to Diana, “To heal other people, you have to suffer yourself.” We learn from painful experiences, they force us to make major changes in our lives, we gain a greater understanding of pain and ourselves, and consequently, we can become a more compassionate comforter for others who experience pain. How can we understand suffering if we never experience it? Although it is difficult to see suffering as a gift, we need to remember that we are only given the pain because we can learn from it. A teacher will not give a calculus book to a 3^rd grader because its content would be wasted. We would not be given suffering if it could not be used for our own spiritual evolution. Michael Berg says The “Kabbalah urges us to be aware that we are always being tested – and that the tests become more challenging as we move closer to [God]… if an enemy commander sees that our forces are strong, he will send more of his own troops into the struggle. When the positive side of our nature grows, the negative inclination also becomes stronger…When the test gets harder, it’s an indication that we are moving in the right direction.”

It is important to recognize that suffering is not the opposite of beauty and in many ways beauty is reflected through suffering. In the book, The 72 Names of God, Yehuda Berg says, “When we suffer, when we experience pain, when we undergo grief and heartache, the hurting actually purges ego and self-interest from our nature. The soul—our true self—shines brighter in that moment…Our true selfless, divine self shines through whenever our egos are battered and shaken to the core.”

Many people actually experience greater happiness after a traumatic event because they are given the opportunity to reevaluate their priorities. In the book, The Pursuit of Happiness, David Meyers says, “Victims of cancer (and other life-threatening events) often reappraise their lives, reorder their values and priorities, and renew their close relationships. Things they formerly took for granted, even the opportunities of each new day, they now pause to appreciate. As a result, many think they are better adjusted than before suffering cancer.” Lucio, a former gas station attendant, was another example of suffering turning to beauty. After a crippling motorcycle accident (that left him paralyzed below the waist), Lucio decided to transform his life. ”The tragedy somehow awakened a new resolve, challenging him to enroll in and complete college, and to become a successful tax consultant and regional archery champion.”

When we suffer, we need to understand that we are not alone. We may think we are the only ones who are suffering, but we all suffer from something. Some people think they look too old or too fat. Others believe that they are not attractive enough, or not happy enough, or not wealthy enough, or not secure enough. We can always find some measure that we cannot reach. We all are affected by other people’s opinions and it is easy to find people who think we do not live up to their expectations (including ourselves).

Some people have spouses who always find inadequacies with their partners. Both people go through life suffering. One spouse feels that the other is not good enough and the other partner feels inadequate. They don’t realize that they are creating suffering when suffering never had to exist in the first place. If we think we can marry perfection, we live in a fairytale world. Human beings are not perfect and never will be, no matter how much we want them to be. We say that someone may be perfect for us, even if that person isn’t perfect, but that perception is also an illusion. That person may complement us well and may understand us, but the concept of perfection cannot exist. The only perfection in this universe is in our concept of God (or a supreme being or nirvana). The good news is that a part of this perfection lives in every human being. Therefore, even if the person isn’t perfect, perfection is a part of them. We can reduce the suffering (that appears to be caused by others) by respecting the people who in are in our lives. There is always a seed of perfection that we can respect. If we show our respect for others, we are likely to find that our relationship with them improves. However, when respect is gone, so is the relationship. I once wanted to end a relationship with someone. Rather than ending it immediately (which I thought would cause him pain), I just stopped respecting him. My lack of respect caused the relationship to become antagonistic and mutually, we decided that the relationship was over. I never had to end it; I just needed to stop respecting him. The reverse is also true. If we want a relationship to continue without suffering, then we need to continually respect the other person.

Suffering may never go away but each of us can help someone who is suffering. Kind words or compassionate listening can make all the difference in the world. As a friend explained, “One day, I was feeling extremely distressed. I went out secretly wishing that someone would make me feel better. Yet, I experienced the reverse. The people who knew me were angry with me for not being my usual cheerful self. I heard comments such as ‘What is wrong with you? Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?’ I then felt myself slipping deeper into my own suffering. Instead of hearing compassionate words of support for my obvious sadness, I was alienated. I felt more alone around these people because of the hostility. I was not allowed to be sad. No one said a kind word or offered compassion. I was the villain because I could not put on a ‘game face.’ I even heard later that I was criticized behind my back to friends who weren’t even there. My only ‘crime’ was that I was sad. I wasn’t hurting anyone else and I didn’t say anything mean or negative.”

A colleague explained a similar story, “I once lost a friend because I was sad one night. I left a party early and was blamed for not being a good conversationalist. There was no compassion for what I might have been feeling; instead I was blamed for not being the life of the party. My suffering was exacerbated because I not only had to bear the pain of my current condition, but I lost a good friend as well. It was truly heartless.” People don’t want others to make their problems go away; they just want someone to care. A friendly touch, a kind word, or compassionate listening can significantly alleviate suffering. Is this really too much to ask? We cannot expect someone to be happy all the time when suffering is a natural part of the human experience. Why isn’t it okay to be sad?

This point was exacerbated one night when I was at a surprise birthday party. One of the guests was the mother of the host’s best friend. She was about 25 years older than all the other guests; and she was divorced and lived alone. To me, she was the most interesting person at the party. During the first few minutes of conversation, she kept saying how fortunate she was to be invited and how perfect everything was in life. She seemed extremely happy but the repetition of her “happiness statements” made me start to wonder. Something was wrong. I probed a little further by pointing out that most people are not happy continuously even though they may feel that they are supposed to act happy around others. Finally, her walls came down. She confessed that if she did not appear to be extremely happy around other people, she wouldn’t be invited to parties. For the first time, I saw the presence of sadness in her eyes. Yet, she must have felt very vulnerable after the confession, because her “happiness statements” immediately returned and they were more adamant than before. It became clear to me that she believed that it wasn’t okay to be sad in the presence of others. If she didn’t have her “game face” on, other people would not want to include her in their lives. I felt tremendous compassion for her and everybody else who believes the same thing. I looked around the room and wondered how many people were suffering under a mask of happiness. They were there but I knew I couldn’t break through the masks to find something they didn’t want me to see. Ironically, I was also suffering that night and didn’t know if I could keep my “game face” on. I had told myself that if “the act” became difficult, I would politely leave. After I met this party guest, my own suffering was transformed. Even if she didn’t know about my compassion, it provided a temporary release from own suffering. When you feel compassion for others, surprisingly, you also feel compassion for yourself; and once the compassion is felt, the suffering seems to drift away (at least temporarily).

Generally, we think that others should be compassionate toward us because we have all faced suffering at one time or another. The problem is that many people want to avoid suffering by pretending that it doesn’t exist. Even though these people may be warm-hearted individuals, they may not be able to offer support and compassion when we need it most. Our suffering reminds them that life can be filled with hardship and pain. If they want to believe that life is always happy or if they want to avoid their own suffering, they may tend to avoid people who are dealing with painful situations.

Buddhism teaches us that a detachment of “self” can help alleviate our suffering. By distancing ourselves from the outcome of the adversity and by recognizing that we are not separate from everyone else on this planet, we can rise above our suffering. When we see a stranger, we should try to connect to this person on some level. Even if it is a silent wish that the person will not suffer, it is a statement of compassion that helps both people rise above the suffering of humanity. Esoterically, we can feel these silent expressions of good will even if we don’t know where the feeling is coming from.

Expressing silent wishes for peace can often transform a hostile situation. In The Sermon on the Mount, Emmet Fox relates the following story: “A lady was annoyed by overhearing two men engaged on some repairs outside her window, who, unaware of her proximity, were indulging in very bad language. For a moment a tide of anger and contempt surged up in her mind concerning them, but…she instantly concentrated her attention upon the Divine Presence, which she knew to be within each of them – as it is within all men…Instantaneously the offensive language ceased. She said it was as though it had been chopped off with a knife.” After I read that passage, I tried the same experiment with my cat. Sometimes, she gets extremely agitated and starts to bite. I used to get angry at these expressions but I found that my anger increased her agitation and the biting became more severe. The next time she became agitated, I decided to express silent feelings of love instead of anger. To my surprise, the biting immediately stopped and she started purring. Within a few seconds, she started licking my hand instead of biting it.

When I was in Barcelona, I had a hotel room on the same floor as the Dalai Lama. One night he was just sitting outside his room as I walked by. At the time, I didn’t recognize him. I just looked at him and smiled and he immediately said hello. Yet, it was different from other people’s hellos. I could feel compassion emanating from the expression of his eyes. It was easy to see that he genuinely cared about other people. I immediately felt better. When I caught up with my business colleague, he said, “Do you know that you just passed the Dalai Lama in the hall?” At the time, I didn’t know what he looked like and there were many Buddhist monks in the hotel, so I didn’t know I had said hello to the Dalai Lama. Reflecting on the moment, I realized why I had felt so uplifted by a simple hello. He had a gift that I have rarely seen in other people.

Compassion is easy to recognize if it is genuine. The Dalai Lama frequently makes other people feel better with very few words; he can reduce suffering because he radiates a special spirituality and genuine caring for other people. Even without knowing who he is, a person feels better in his presence. The effect of the Dalai Lama’s compassion was extremely obvious after one of his lectures. When he was leaving the room, he was approached by an antagonistic individual who said many cruel things in a very loud voice. In response, the Dalai Lama said nothing. He just looked into the eyes of this man with great compassion. The angry individual suddenly stopped yelling and to the surprise of everyone who was watching, he just broke down and started to cry. The Dalai Lama’s compassion instantaneously relieved the suffering that had precipitated the anger.

The Dalai Lama’s gift can exist in all of us. If we stop focusing on our own problems and recognize that other people are suffering, we can make other people feel better, which in turn makes us feel better at the same time. If we all could express sympathy for our fellow human beings, this world would be a much better place to live.

A moment of kindness is all that is needed to help alleviate suffering on this planet – and it is not a difficult goal to achieve. It only takes the expression of a few seconds of compassion for each person we encounter. Whether it is a stranger or a friend, the gift of compassion can lift a person’s spirits. The simple truth is that life is tough. Wouldn’t life be easier for everyone if we could just allocate a few minutes of our day to show someone that we care?