The Search for Wisdom

The Mirror

2009-10-03T23:01:00.001-07:00

Sara is a person who pretends to have compassion for other people. Yet, her expression of compassion is merely a reflection of how she would respond to the same situation. Sara doesn’t ask questions to discover how another person really feels; she just makes assumptions based upon her personal view of the world. Other people are only mirrors of her self-image. Sara is very critical of other people; but these criticisms are only projections. In essence, others are verbally attacked when she sees her own weaknesses reflected in them; and often, the “accused” doesn’t possess the negative character trait. Sara’s behavior is similar to the old adage, “we don’t see things as they are; we see things as we are.”

Projection is dangerous because it is difficult to recognize. Criticisms do not necessarily apply to other people; they may just be reflected weaknesses of the person who is doing the criticizing. If the criticizers can find fault with others, then they assume that they do not possess the fault themselves; but the opposite is usually true. It’s hard to notice a fault in someone else if you have not first noticed it in yourself. For example, a person who is untrustworthy may continually criticize others for devious intentions, even if those intentions are not actually present. People who criticize others need to take a hard look at themselves. The attributes that are the most upsetting are the usually the ones that they are trying to avoid or attributes that they find most objectionable about themselves. As Confucius said, “When you see someone of worth, think of how you may emulate. When you see someone unworthy, examine your own character.” Similarly, Carl Jung said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

Why is it so easy to be judgmental? What purpose does it serve? Usually, people who are judgmental find that their judgments make them feel better about themselves, at least temporarily. Since we are all are haunted by insecurities, many of us need to continually rationalize our behavior, attitudes, and belief systems. External judgments create a false sense of self-validation by believing that others possess a negative attribute that we do not share. When we judge others, we are openly saying that the attribute is negative and erroneously, it makes us feel that we do not possess the same characteristic. For example, it’s easy to pass judgment against materialism by saying that someone else is “inferior” because he or she is materialistic. It’s harder to admit that someone else’s materialism is uncomfortable because we possess the same materialistic tendencies. In essence, the judgment is not about the other person’s behavior; instead, we are indirectly saying that we are disappointed in ourselves because we have been unable to overcome the same negative temptation. According to Brian Weiss, MD, “Projection is the psychological action of denying your fear and unconscious motivations and then giving these fears and motives to others. Be careful not to project your hidden feelings onto another or to ascribe motives and intent when there are none. This distortion of reality harms both you and the other.”

A famous Kabbalistic truth is: ”That which our eyes witness out in the external world, all the evil, all the wickedness, is but a mirror image reflecting the remains of evil that lay hidden and undetected in our hearts.” Michael Berg, famous teacher of the Kabbalah says, “The Baal Shem Tov teaches… that being as there are no coincidences, if we happen to see something negative by another person we can be certain that we ourselves have that same problem. As a matter of fact, being as we are extremely blind to our own failings but acutely aware of the failings of others, the Creator uses other people as a mirror for our own correction. This then is the only way that we should react when we see others doing something wrong, we should immediately realize that the reason why the Creator has shown us this is to alert us to our own wrongdoing in that regard… Being as everything we see in others is a mirror to our own wrongdoings, then we can be sure that if we judge another person we are judging ourselves for negative actions that we have already committed.”

Typically there is a correlation between a lack of self-esteem and the need to judge. Deepak Chopra says, “to make ourselves feel safer from being judged, we look for faults in others first... When you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself.” Chopra further states, “You will never feel better about yourself by making others look worse. Engaging in the habit of criticism only postpones the day when your own secret judgments come to light…Projection always hides a feeling you don’t want to look at. If you examine any negative trait you insist is present in another person, you will find the same trait hiding in yourself. The more you deny this trait, the more strongly you will have to project it. Thus if you habitually defend yourself before being accused, you feel guilty. That guilt needs to be faced in order to stop the projection. If you feel that the man or woman you love is constantly looking at others with sexual interest, you are the one who cannot be trusted.” In the same vein, Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, “Nothing that we despise in the other man is entirely absent from ourselves. We often expect from others more than we are willing to do ourselves.”

Some people may simply criticize the opposite characteristic of what they possess as a form of self-rationalization. For example, a person who continually confronts problems may criticize someone who avoids confrontation. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the characteristic is negative, it only means that the person criticizing has developed the opposite character trait. Another reason for projection is a person’s inability to acquire a particular attribute. For example, people without money may judge others who spend frequently only because they are unable to purchase the luxury items that they secretly desire. Yet, when two avid shoppers get together, they would never think about calling the other person materialistic.

Fear is another motivation for projection. If someone is afraid of their weakness for smoking, they may criticize smokers harsher than people who never smoked. Constructive criticism comes from love, not judgment. Judgment comes from a need to feel superior to whatever is being judged. It is often difficult to tell the difference.

We need to recognize that any judgment makes us feel more alone. When we recognize that we don’t like a particular character trait, we create a barrier to connecting with a person who possesses that trait. The more we judge someone, the more distant we become. Eventually, we may decide that a certain person has too many “negative” attributes, which can cause us to exclude this person from our lives. Or we may find that too many of our own weaknesses are overtly expressed by another person and it then becomes too uncomfortable to continue a relationship with that person. In either case, our judgments drive a wedge into the relationship and eventually, we find ourselves alone. Is it better to judge others and remain alone or should we be more accepting of weaknesses (including our own) in order to allow more people into our lives?

In the fairytale, the mirror always tells us what we want to hear. If we see beauty in others, we see it in ourselves. If we see something disagreeable, then we are convinced that it is not our reflection; but mirrors reflect ourselves, both the positive as well as the negative. True empathy must shatter the mirror. We cannot see ourselves in others and we cannot use our own experiences as a judgment of appropriate behavior for others. We have to change the mirror to glass. We need to be able to peer through the glass and see the reality of the image behind the glass instead of peering through the glass and seeing ourselves.

Projection is damaging and hurtful and can convince others of possessing attributes that they do not own. There are subjective perceptions and objective perceptions. Subjective perceptions are how other people see us. Objective perceptions are how we really are. They are both valid, but which one is real? Some actors have difficulty with personal relationships because others think they are similar to the characters they have played. They become the product of other people’s perceptions before they have the opportunity to reveal their true character. It takes great effort to overcome a preconceived impression. Yet, aren’t we all actors playing different roles? Do people see the roles we play or can they see behind the mask that is disguising our true character? Some people are cruel even if others perceive them to be kind.

Many people simply do not know themselves very well. These people have no choice except to see themselves as others see them because they can’t tell the difference. Subjective perceptions are valid only if people allow others to define them. Their innate character is hidden even from themselves. Their self-perceptions change as the critic changes. Conflicting self-images are accepted and these individuals become comfortable portraying different characters when a new script calls for a different role.

Projection is painful because we hear statements that may conflict with our own internal image. We are left wondering whether we are unable to see ourselves clearly. Sometimes after we hear painful comments, we need to step back and ask, “Are they talking about me or themselves?” We are the only ones who can answer that question and only if significant time has been invested in discovering our true identity. The challenge in life is how to balance other people’s perceptions with reality. If self-knowledge is acquired and if we can avoid the temptation of surrendering to others’ opinions, another human being can never define our character.

Someone may recognize something that we have buried below the surface, but on some level we know that it exists. We may not want to accept it, but a part of us knows whether it is true. We need to have the strength to separate fact from fantasy. The challenge is to turn the projection around. Instead of allowing others to see us through their own reflection, the mirror needs to be our own.

How many people can truly separate themselves from someone else in order to see others’ problems objectively? How many people can put aside their own needs in order to understand what other people want? For example, some people want advice; others want compassion; and some people just want someone to listen. As a generalization, men want to offer advice because they are problem solvers. Yet, women often just want someone to listen because sharing emotion relieves the pain. To get beyond the gender differences, we have to see people as individuals, rather than as reflections of ourselves. Listening requires understanding and it is not about understanding the problem, it is about understanding the wants and needs of the other person.

A frustrated colleague confessed, “Every time I discuss a problem with one of my friends, she immediately tells me about one of her own experiences. Sometimes the story is completely unrelated to what I just said or the connection is so distant that it takes another 15 minutes to get back to the original point. She may have heard my words but she wasn’t listening. She was just waiting to see how she could make my words relate to her own life. She had no idea that I wanted compassion instead of a recognition that she had similar experiences. She could never understand that her own experiences were completely unrelated to my needs.”

Compassion, pity and empathy are entirely different emotions but the nuances are subtle. Compassion is the statement, “I care.” Pity is the statement, “I feel sorry for you.” Empathy is the statement, “I share your pain.” Deepak Chopra says, “To be compassionate is not to take pity; it is to extend care to others simply because you see their need.” Compassion comes from the heart and is an expression of equality. Pity is condescending and comes from a position of perceived superiority. Empathy comes from the soul. Compassion and pity result from being separate from the person in pain. Empathy creates a bond that brings two people together as one.

Words appear backwards in a mirror because a mirror distorts reality. A mirror shows an image that only appears to be similar to the truth. The truth never reveals itself transparently. Underneath all the layers of misconception and distortion, visionaries can see beyond an image’s reflection. They hear words in silence and beauty in pain; and they recognize that the opposite of “reality” may actually be the truth.

Why do People Choose Evil?

2009-10-03T22:52:00.001-07:00

I’ve often wondered why some people choose evil. We all have the free will to choose good over evil even when greed, power, hatred, and the need for self-importance tempt us to choose evil. Some individuals resist the temptations and others do not. What are the distinguishing factors that lead some toward evil and others toward righteousness?

Fear is a motivation that causes many to resist evil temptations. If we believe in religion or a higher power, the fear of punishment ensures that we will choose good over evil. For some, evil is not even considered as an option. It is simply out of the question. On the other hand, if certain individuals do not believe in God or eternal life, the present becomes more important than an uncertain future. The benefits offered by greed and power offer immediate gains that can be rationalized as self-interest.

The ones who are overcome by evil do not consider self-interest bad. They ignore the people who are hurt by their actions and they do not think it is their “job” to consider the needs or feelings of others. They do not believe that we are all connected and they are incapable of empathy. The welfare of their neighbors is unimportant and irrelevant. Self-interest is often exaggerated by viewing the self as superior to others. They intentionally say things that they know will cause pain.

Some evil people are driven by hatred and revenge. They believe these emotions cannot be controlled and they often see themselves as victims of injustice. If they believe that the world “owes” them something, they feel justified in hurting others. They see it as retribution instead of evil.

Some people wonder why God “allows” the presence of evil in this world – wasn’t the messiah supposed to put an end to evil? Yet, God does not allow evil or disallow it; He only gives us free will. Scott Peck refers to evil as a “failed experiment.” If we view our Creator like a scientist, then an evil soul is an experiment that has “room for improvement…and we have as much to learn from failed experiments as from successful ones.”

In fact, the people who are tempted by evil have the greatest opportunity for transformation; and many believe that in the “eyes” of our Creator, a transformation is more sacred than a person who has been righteous his entire life. In The Way, Michael Berg tells the following story: Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berdichov was a very righteous man. One day he happened to have a conversation with a very evil person. Rabbi Yitzchak considered the man and said, ‘I envy you.’ The evil man, knowing the rabbi’s reputation, laughed, ‘why would you possibly envy me?’ And the rabbi replied, ‘Because if you change, you have more potential to reveal the Light of the Creator than I do.”

Evil intentions live in a person’s soul. They thrive and grow and eventually have a life of their own. These people feel controlled by evil and do not think they have the power to overcome negativity. They rationalize their actions through excuses -- society, their parents, and the inherent inequities of the world are to blame. They are unable to take responsibility for their actions and are too weak to change. In this case, they feel that evil chooses them.

Evil people fail to realize that they are creating a personal hell. Bitterness, negativity and hatred are not emotions that make us happy. The people who live with these emotions may feel power by achieving unethical victories and their wealth may increase -- but they must live with their own unhappiness even if it remains unrecognized. As a result of their immorality, they lose friends and others do not trust them. Unfortunately, these people have never realized that true happiness is based on our relationships with others; not on power, greed or wealth.

We all know right from wrong and our conscience never sets us free. Even if evil people don’t recognize their personal hell, their guilt still haunts them (unless they do not have a conscience). It appears in their dreams and their unhappiness subliminally affects every action and emotion. As they approach death, they realize that all their “accomplishments” were in vein. When they are lying on their deathbed, the money and power are worthless. They finally realize the value of all the relationships that were lost and they simply feel alone and unfulfilled. We all need to feel that we contributed something positive to this world. If our achievements help us at someone else’s expense, we have done nothing worthwhile -- if we help others to become better people, we have done more than our share. Since like attracts like, evil people tend to spend time with others who are similar to themselves. They don’t help others evolve; instead, they provide encouragement for a downward spiral that leads to the abyss of negativity.

Evil people do not actually recognize their own evil. They would never classify themselves as bad people. Every action and thought has a reason and they believe their actions are appropriately justified. Yet, they can never really love anyone but themselves. Without love, life has no purpose. They can create purpose through their work, but eventually they know that external events are never enough. The initial thrill dies and they feed their evil by hurting others. Their hatred becomes their substitute for love.

Some evil people rape, kill and steal but these actions are not always done by people who are evil. According to Scott Peck, “During my career as a psychiatrist, I spent some time working in prisons with convicted criminals. While many think that the problem of evil is confined to those who are locked up, seldom have I experienced inmates as truly evil people. Obviously they are destructive, and usually repeatedly so. But there is a kind of randomness to their destructiveness. Moreover, although they generally deny responsibility for their evil deeds, there is still a quality of openness to their wickedness.” Scott Peck believes that the truly evil usually reside outside of jail. In the Road Less Traveled and Beyond, he cites an example of a boy who committed suicide with a .22 rifle. The younger brother felt responsible for his brother’s death because of brotherly feuds and disagreements -- he just didn’t understand the reasons for the suicide. He began judging himself as evil and his parents did nothing to try to explain the suicide or to relieve the younger brother of his guilt. He was also not taken to a therapist. At Christmas, this boy’s “big” present was the gun that had killed his brother, which sent a chilling message to the young child, and he began to feel more responsible for his brother’s suicide. He couldn’t help wondering why his parents had given him the gun – were they implying that he deserved the same fate? His parents committed an atrocity by giving him this gun but they did not believe the action was evil. Although these people acted with extreme evil, they never considered themselves evil people.

Another example of misunderstood evil was related to me by a close friend. His mother gave birth to him but due to the embarrassment that she was not married; my friend was raised by his grandparents until he was five years old. When he asked his grandparents where he came from, they told him that they found him in a trashcan. He spent the first five years of his life believing that his natural parents threw him away. To this day, he has severe problems with self-esteem. When I asked him whether his grandparents loved him, he replied, “Yes, they loved me, they gave me presents all the time.” He could not disassociate materialism from affection. He further told me that his parents and grandparents continued to tell him that he would never succeed at anything. He loved being a drummer but he was told that he was too fat to be a drummer. Due to evil words and severe condemnation, he grew up believing that he was never good enough, that love was represented through material possessions and that he must have done something horrible to cause his parents to throw him away. Unfortunately, these types of evil actions happen more often than we think.

Most of us would say that we have never met anyone who was truly evil because evil is often hard to recognize. Evil hides in intentions that are hidden from others. The most evil people we know may also appear to be the kindest. The act of kindness can be used as a way to manipulate or to take advantage of others. Even if we discover the evil acts, we justify it as an aberration or we blame ourselves. We just don’t want to believe that some people in our lives are truly evil.

History often exposes evil people, but at the time, these leaders were not considered evil at all. The Germans loved Hitler; they gave their lives for him; and the children sang songs to praise him. Even Osama Bin Laden’s followers do not think he is evil – they just believe he is effectively supporting their beliefs. During the Holy Crusades and the Inquisition, the leaders were considered sacred, instead of evil.

Extreme insecurity that results in sadism or narcissism often leads to the presence of evil in very different ways. Sadists are evil because they classify other individuals as “inferior” and they receive fulfillment when these “inferior” people suffer (either psychologically or physically). They purposely hurt others in a never-ending pursuit to convince themselves of their superiority. In essence, they simply make themselves feel more important by putting others down. Relative to other people, they find their own “greatness.” They disguise their self-hatred and subconscious feelings of inadequacy by convincing themselves that others are beneath them. Their evil is expressed through hatred, anger, criticism, abuse, prejudice and violence. It is a belligerent, barbaric form of evil where they are the aggressors.

Narcissists live in a world that is monopolized by their own interests and concerns. These are the people who talk about themselves and their problems incessantly. Since their world revolves around only them, others are insignificant and thus, others’ interests are irrelevant. Narcissists usually express evil by manipulating others for their own gain or avoidance, rather than through overt aggression. Others are seen as pawns who can be used or sacrificed to accomplish the narcissists’ goals. Narcissists overcompensate for their subconscious self-hatred through an inflated ego and by believing that other people are inconsequential or unimportant. Relative to their inflated view of “self,” they find their own “greatness.” Their lives are ruled by fantasies and false perceptions of self-importance. Narcissists express a more sophisticated form of evil and often they see themselves as victims. The following chart summarizes the similarities and differences of sadism and narcissism.

The evil expressed through Nazism incorporated both narcissism and sadism. Narcissistic tendencies made the Nazis believe that Aryans were vastly superior and other races were either inconsequential or inferior. Undoubtedly, Nazis had an obsessively inflated view of their self-importance. At the same time, sadism was expressed through psychotic supremacy attitudes that were ingrained in their psyches as they embraced their condescending beliefs that others were beneath them. Their sadism led to the mass prejudice and humiliation of the Jews and the overt aggression, brutality and murder in the concentration camps. Jews were seen as sub-human, which made the Nazis believe in their exaggerated importance; and the degradation of Jews made them feel better about themselves. The German people probably weren’t narcissistic or sadistic. They were simply a battered society that had lost confidence in themselves after World War I. They needed to increase their feelings of self-importance and the narcissism of Nazism allowed them to do this. Many leaders on the other hand, were probably narcissists or sadists; depending on what position they held. The sadists ended up controlling the concentration camps and their sadistic tendencies were unleashed on millions of “inferior” people. Many of the camp commanders and SS officers received great pleasure from humiliating and brutalizing the inmates. On the other hand, the narcissists probably ended up leading military units. Their inflated views of self-worth allowed them to believe in their superiority, which enhanced the capabilities of the armed forces. Hitler was both a narcissist and a sadist so he appealed to both types of personalities. The combination of accepted narcissism and sadism led to a presence of evil that was unprecedented on this planet.

This type of narcissism and sadism was not exclusive to Nazi Germany or far off times. In the 1960’s, Blacks were humiliated, taunted and murdered due to the same type of narcissism and sadism. Charles Manson was also an extreme narcissist and pathological sadist. His followers were vulnerable to his brainwashing because Manson’s form of narcissism alleviated their own insecurities. There were many similarities between Manson and Hitler; thus, it is not surprising that Charles Manson was obsessed with reading literature about Hitler. Similar manipulation tactics were used to instigate some of the most evil acts ever witnessed in the 20^th century.

It is difficult to disassociate narcissism from sadism because they are very similar. Some people are exclusively narcissists but most sadists have narcissistic tendencies. In other words, narcissists can believe that they are the center of the world without receiving pleasure from other people’s suffering. They are more concerned that their own gratification is ensured. Other people do not have to be harmed to achieve their objectives (unless they get in the way or are needed for certain aspirations). However, sadism usually starts with narcissism because deriving pleasure from others’ suffering is accompanied by an attitude of supremacy and an inflated ego. This form of narcissism is then followed by the need to put others down to obtain continuous feelings of superiority (like a drug addict who must continually feed an addiction). The continuum extends from there. Eventually, the harmful insults may be exacerbated to include taunting, humiliation, degradation, abuse (psychological and physical) and violence. Extreme evil occurs when narcissism and sadism are fully integrated together.

Many narcissists and sadists still live in the world today and individuals who are similar to the “evil Nazis” are living respectable lives in a more humane society. Their evil tendencies cannot erupt into brutality because there is not an accepted outlet for expression. In modern society, their evil is more subtle and their aggression is more subverted. Yet, they are still among us and under the right conditions, the sadism and narcissism can transform itself into massive cruelty and extreme evil.

All of us have committed evil acts because we are not perfect. At what point is the deed distinguished from a person’s character? If someone commits 100 evil acts, is this person evil? Or does it take 1,000 evil acts to define an evil character? Actually, the number is misleading; the person who does 100 things wrong could also do 10,000 things right. Evil is a state of mind, not an external evaluation. Some evil people do not do anything that is blatantly wrong. Their intentions are cruel and they end up hurting people’s feelings beyond repair. Their rationalization for the pain is that a person chooses to be hurt; words cannot cause pain if they are ignored. The key question is whether the person wants to help or harm others. Evil people desire harm.

Some people seem to be born evil. Even as children, they commit evil acts that shock and horrify their parents and friends. People who believe in reincarnation explain this condition as a character trait that was developed in previous lives. If the reincarnated soul is comfortable with evil, he or she is likely to repeat it.

The conundrum is not why someone chooses evil over good because the temptations for evil present themselves continually. The real question is why the majority chooses good over evil when it is clearly the harder path. People who are good do not believe that it is difficult to do the right thing. They understand that pleasure and happiness are derived by helping others. They choose to reject evil because they could never live with themselves or the guilt. At the end of the day, we answer to no one except ourselves. If we cannot live with our actions, we cannot live at all. Other individuals are “good” because they believe in karma. Positive actions “erase” negative ones and they believe that the positive energy will eventually come back to them. Furthermore, many of these people believe in an afterlife. They know that no action remains hidden from the universe. They could not face their guides or creator if they were uncomfortable with their behavior on earth. We can create our own hells in the afterlife and these people do not want to go to a self-created state of misery and regret.

I have often wondered whether many people who refrain from killing would murder if there were no laws. Do people avoid murder because they are afraid of the legal consequences of getting caught or do they avoid it because they know it is wrong? I think the answer is a mixture of both. In a state of anarchy, many “righteous” citizens would murder for hatred, revenge or greed. If they knew there would be no earthly consequences for their actions, they may choose to kill. Others could never kill a human being even without a legal system. These people believe that the consequences for their actions are more comprehensive than lawyers, courtrooms and jails. These people will do the right thing without a law requiring them to do so. We all must live with ourselves and we should never do anything that we aren’t proud of. If we fail from time to time, we have to be committed to change. At the end of the day, we need to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with the person we’ve become.

None of us are free from evil. We only have the power to resist it or to feel remorse when we succumb to its power. We also need to know how to recognize evil in others. Statements about hatred and revenge are obvious clues. We need to distance ourselves from these negative emotions because they can become attached to us even if we don’t desire it. I’ve been around extremely negative people and I find that my body physically reacts to the contaminated energy. This is a form of “people pollution.” I find myself backing away from them subconsciously and limiting contact to a minimum. My arguments against hatred and revenge are ignored by these people, so I know that I can do nothing to change them. Yet, we can feel compassion for their internal suffering and for the conditions they are creating for continual unhappiness. We can even pray that something or someone will convince them to be positive about life. The battle against evil has to be fought through positive examples. If others see us resisting evil, then maybe they can do the same.

Revenge and Karma

2009-10-03T22:24:00.000-07:00

I’ve never understood revenge. When someone does something horrible to me, enough damage has been done. I don’t want to exacerbate the damage by inflicting additional pain through a separate negative action. I also believe in universal balance, or karma. “What goes around, comes around” is not just a proverb; I’ve seen it happen over and over again. When people hurt others, they are soon experiencing pain from an “unrelated” event.

Revenge is different from justice. Justice just means that people should be responsible for their actions; but it does not mean that more pain should be inflicted simply to “balance the score.” Ensuring that individuals are responsible for the pain they have caused is a form of justice. An associate recalled, “My best friend and I had plans for a Saturday night and at the last minute, she cancelled. Since I was really looking forward to a night on the town, I was extremely hurt by her betrayal. I later found out that she had gone out with another group of people because they had an invitation to a trendy party. She lied to me when she canceled our plans and thought that I would never find out the truth... I finally confronted her with her actions only because I thought she should be aware of the pain she caused me that night. After that conversation, she never spoke to me again.” Many people are unable to face the cruelty of their own actions and prefer to avoid any form of confrontation. This avoidance is usually based on fear. They are afraid of being held accountable for their actions, they are afraid of repercussions and they are afraid of admitting their own inadequacies even to themselves; just hearing the truth about their behavior causes pain. The extreme form of avoidance is to run away from the person who has been hurt, which causes more pain for both people. In this case, justice leads to further separation and betrayal.

There is nothing wrong with confronting people with the pain they have caused, even if the end result is painful. Individuals need to be responsible for their behavior. If we do not confront the people who have committed the inequity, the hostility can build inside ourselves, which can be psychologically damaging. Yet, based on fear, we live in a society where some people avoid all forms of negativity, even at the expense of justice. “Sometimes, it is just better to leave things alone,” replied the same associate. “If I had known that confronting the truth about her betrayal would have caused our friendship to end, I never would have mentioned it.” Past experience with confrontations about negative behavior can lead to a complete avoidance of anything unpleasant in an attempt to preserve the “friendship.” Yet real friends can face the responsibility of the pain they cause others, without destroying the relationship. Someone who runs away from others when negativity is exposed could never be a real friend to anyone. These people are continually running away from themselves and they repeatedly refuse to take responsibility for their actions. It is no different from someone who runs away from the law after committing a crime. In both cases, justice is being avoided.

Revenge is an emotion that is based on hatred, rather than justice. Negative actions are pursued only to further punish the person who inflicted the initial pain. Taking responsibility for actions is never enough. The “victim” feels that a greater punishment is deserved. Revenge appears to make the “victim” feel better but actions based on hatred only cause pain. Spinoza states, “ To hate is to acknowledge our inferiority and fear; we do not hate a foe whom we are confident we can overcome. He who wishes to revenge injuries by reciprocal hatred will live in misery.” Wayne Dyer says, “To hold onto the pain and seek to exact revenge will simply keep you stuck in pain, and the problem will be exacerbated. The old Chinese proverb states… ‘If you’re going to seek revenge, you’d better dig two graves.’”

Revenge is similar to a punishment that exceeds the severity of the “crime.” Revenge also changes the balance of negative energy. Initially, the person who causes the pain has the “negative score” but once revenge occurs, negativity is also attached to the person who decides to be revengeful. In The Sermon on the Mount, Emmet Fox says, ”Jesus… says that when someone injures you, instead of seeking to get your own back or to repay him in his own coin, you are to do the very opposite – you are to forgive him, and set him free. No matter what the provocation may be, and no matter how many times it is repeated, you are to do this. You are to … let him go, for thus only can you be freed yourself…To return evil for evil, to answer violence with violence and hate with hate, is to start a vicious circle to which there is no ending.” He says that it is not a difficult feat to return love to those who love us. The challenge is to show love to those who hate us.

When negative actions are painful, rather than illegal, it is impossible to know the correct punishment. That is why the principle of karma is so powerful. It states that individuals do not need to decide the appropriate punishment because the universe ensures the natural balance of negative and positive energy. It is not justifiable to rationalize a negative action with another negative action because there are no guarantees that each act of negativity is equal. For example, a friend of mine once rationalized the fact that she cheated on her boyfriend by saying that he deserved it, because he had once cheated on her. Yet, his previous infidelity did not rationalize her latest betrayal. Her infidelity just created a new negative action. Justice would have been served by confronting her boyfriend about his previous act of infidelity. Perhaps there were extenuating circumstances that should have been considered and it is possible that his remorse for the action would have balanced the negative act. She also could have simply ended the relationship as a form of justice. However, once a new negative action occurs, it no longer relates to the first act of betrayal; the new negativity creates its own “balance sheet.” For example, if an act of infidelity is also an act of revenge, it embodies two negative actions, instead of just one. There is negativity for the act of betrayal and there is additional negativity for the desire to hurt another individual through revenge. These two acts of infidelity are not equal, which means that each action has its own appropriate punishment.

The way a person is confronted also affects the balance of negativity. I have always believed that it is appropriate to address the negative actions but it is unfair to extend those actions to generalizations about negative character traits. Stating that a person’s behavior is hurtful is different from saying that the person is cruel. This distinction is frequently misunderstood because many people cannot separate their actions from their character, even though actions do not always equate to character. Since we are not perfect, unselfish people often commit selfish acts. Telling someone that an action was selfish is different from saying that the person is selfish. In spite of painstaking efforts to make this distinction, I have found that when people repeat back what I have said, they substitute a perception about negative character traits for the words that I said about negative actions. I’ve also noticed that other people don’t make this distinction. If I commit a selfish act, I am told that I am a selfish person. I can take responsibility for acting selfishly in a particular instance, but I think it’s unfair to label me as a selfish person without being able to accurately measure my acts of selfishness vs. unselfishness over my entire lifetime.

Karma is the universal system of justice and it is conducted without emotion or negative judgment. Karma is different from justice because it is not really punishment; it is only an opportunity for future learning. Karma states that for every action there will be a corresponding and appropriate reaction. In the Bible, it is stated, “What you sow, that is what you reap.” If someone acts positively, then positive energy will come back to the person and if someone acts negatively, then negative energy will come back to the person. There is actually no need for human interference with this system because it works flawlessly. It works just like a boomerang. The boomerang comes back to us every time it is thrown into the air. Inevitably, we are responsible for our actions.

In The Sermon on the Mount, Emmet Fox explains that when Jesus said “With what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again,“ he was preaching the law of Karma. Fox says, “As we think, and speak, and act toward others, so will others think, and speak, and act towards us. Whatever sort of conduct we give out, that we are inevitably bound to get back. Anything and everything that we do to others will sooner or later be done to us by someone, somewhere. The good that we do to others we shall receive back in like measure; and the evil that we do to others in like manner we shall receive back too. This does not in the least mean that the same people whom we treat well or ill will be the actual ones to return the action. That almost never happens; but what does happen is that at some other time or place, often far away and long afterwards, someone else who knows nothing whatever of the previous action will, nevertheless, repay it, grain for grain, to us. For every unkind word that you speak to or about another person, an unkind word will be spoken to or about you. For every time that you cheat, you will be cheated. For every time that you deceive, you will be deceived. For every lie that you utter, you will be lied to. Every time that you neglect a duty, or evade a responsibility, or misuse authority over other people, you are doing something for which you will inevitably have to pay by suffering a like injury yourself…People are very apt to think, especially when they are tempted, that they can probably escape the law of the land…or slip through the clutches of authority in some other way. They hope that individuals will forgive them, or else be powerless to revenge their actions; or that the thing will be forgotten sometime; or better still, that they will never be found out at all. If, however, they understood that the law of retribution is a Cosmic Law, impersonal and unchanging as the law of gravity…they would think twice before they treated other people unjustly. The law of gravity never sleeps, is never off duty or off its guard, is never tired out, is neither compassionate nor vindictive; and no one would ever dream of trying to evade it, or coax it, or bribe it, or intimidate it. People accept it as being inevitable and inescapable, and they shape their conduct accordingly – and the law of retribution is as even as the law of gravity…Some Christian people, upon hearing the law of retribution explained, have objected that this is Buddhism or Hinduism, and not Christianity. Now it is perfectly true that this law is taught by the Buddhists and by the Hinduists, and wisely so – because it is the law of nature.”

With karma, individuals are held responsible for their actions even if punishment or confrontation never occurs. Sometimes I do not ask others to take responsibility for their actions because I have faith that universe will provide the balancing response. This is particularly true if a person’s actions caused an incredible amount of pain or if I believe that the confrontation will not change behavior or cause remorse. If I am unsure that I will respond appropriately or if I am afraid that I will overreact, I may remain silent because I don’t want the confrontation to cause additional negative “check marks” on my personal balance sheet. Sometimes, it is just better to forgive and move on. If we decide to avoid confrontation, we must honestly forgive the person who betrayed us. Without forgiveness, the painful actions continue to haunt us. Resentment creates attachment and forgiveness frees us from lingering pain and contempt.

Some people believe if they don’t “get caught,” they have avoided the negative consequences of their actions. This is often the case when someone lies to another person. If the lie is not exposed, the person believes that no harm has been done. If the lie is told in an attempt to prevent pain for another person, the negativity is probably minor. However, if the lie is told for reasons of personal gain, the lack of exposure does not eliminate responsibility. The liar may not recognize the “punishment” but undoubtedly, it occurs. A future negative action happens to the person and it only appears to be unrelated to the original infraction.

A “red flag” is always present when people continually portray themselves as “victims.” They believe that numerous negative events are happening to them, without any negative actions on their part. Many “victims” are actually very negative people. Their “bad luck” stories seem to be unrelated to actions on their part, when indirectly they have brought the bad luck to themselves. Everyone is exposed to some level of “bad luck” but repeated bad luck usually implies some form of personal responsibility. In fact, many people who call themselves “victims” are often the victimizers. Other people become the victims of their own cruel actions.

Retribution can be unnoticed unless the person is looking for it. “I once found $20 in a money machine, which I thought was a stroke of good luck,” recalled my neighbor. “Yet, I saw the person who had just left the machine. I could have run after that person to see if the money belonged to him, but I didn’t. Three days later, I lost $20. It was in my pocket when I left my house, but when I got to the grocery store, it was gone.” Some people might call this story a coincidence but these types of coincidences happen all the time.

People who believe in reincarnation explain continual “bad luck” on negative balance sheets that carry over from one life to the next. In other words, karma continues forever. They also believe that retribution (or justice) can occur between the same two people even if the act is unpunished at the time of death. This especially becomes necessary if one person kills another. If the murderer is not held responsible in one life, the responsibility can carry forward to a future life (and since the person who was killed cannot impose retribution in the first life, personal retribution would have to occur in a future life).

It is difficult to determine whether an action is balancing past karma or creating new karma. More often than not, the karma isn’t balanced at all. As explained in The Way of Karma by Charles Breaux, karma is often reflected by the presence of similar patterns that continue from one life to the next. It is difficult to break the pattern because resorting to the familiar feels more comfortable. It takes intense introspection and self-discovery to understand the patterns that we keep repeating in this life. For instance, if someone is motivated by power, it is likely that this motivation is in the subconscious as well as the conscious. It is hard to know what we have buried in our subconscious and it is difficult to see how these subconscious feelings are affecting our current behavior.

Discovery can occur by examining our fears. If we have a fear of subservience it may be because the desire for subordination is an innate part of our character. To overcome the fear and to change behavior is one way of removing the karma of our actions. We learn from past mistakes. Every mistake is a clue to our karma. If a mistake keeps repeating itself, it is a sign that we need to correct this behavior so that our character can evolve. We may keep encountering similar situations as an opportunity to change behavior. If we do not learn, we are likely to repeat.

Karma can also exist in relationships. If we naturally possess a particular character trait with certain people, it may be a lesson to change this particular behavior. In past life therapies, it has been found that people often keep repeating a particular character trait until it is consciously corrected. Removing the karma means that we first forgive ourselves and then be committed to change. According to Breaux, “the common ‘eye for an eye’ meaning of karma doesn’t really fit. Karma, as I often see it, is simply doing what we have done before. It’s being stuck in a rigid way of perceiving the world and acting in prescribed manners.”

If everyone believed in the power and enforcement of karma, negative actions would decline significantly. Karma is the only justice system where enforcement is 100%, which could be an extremely effective deterrent. It doesn’t matter if violators get physically caught, because they are still held accountable. A negative action committed without the knowledge of a single person (except the perpetrator) is still “punished” in one way or another and in most cases our worst prosecutors are merely ourselves. According to Joseph Goldstein in his essay, A Buddhist View of Karma, he says, “Compassion, as well as insight, arises from understanding karma. When we understand that unfair, harmful, or hateful actions rebound in suffering to the person committing them as well as to the recipient, we can respond to both with compassion rather than with anger or resentment.”

People have the power to create a positive balance sheet, regardless of actions in past lives. If significant effort is spent creating positive events and if forgiveness of others occurs regularly, negative karma can be changed to positive karma. Even little events can erase bad karma. For example, if a person does one nice thing every day, positive karma increases. The act of generosity can be as simple as taking a piece of trash off the street and putting it into a trashcan. Often, individuals might not pick up a piece of trash because they don’t feel responsible for it. They use rationalizations like, “I didn’t put the trash there,” or “it isn’t my job to pick up trash,” to avoid the action. Yet if they viewed that action as a way of creating a positive balance sheet, we might have cleaner streets without an investment in additional trash collectors.

Karma is justice but revenge is not. Revenge is only rationalized as justice. Revenge is the equivalent of cutting off a person’s hand for stealing a loaf of bread. In today’s society, the man who cuts off a thief’s hand is guilty of a crime because we recognize that his “rationalized punishment” was too severe for the crime. The beauty of karma is that even if we don’t recognize that revenge is an inappropriate punishment, we cannot escape its retribution. There is a reason that revenge is considered one of the “seven deadly sins.” Revenge is perceived as justice or punishment for someone else, while the justice of karma ensures that by committing revenge, we are only punishing ourselves. As the proverb states, “an eye for an eye makes everyone blind.”

The most confusing argument about justice vs. revenge is the issue of capital punishment. Some people argue that capital punishment is appropriate because it makes the victims’ families “feel better.” This is clearly an argument for revenge rather than justice. The question is whether capital punishment is the appropriate justice for heinous crimes. Can man effectively play God?

The issue becomes more confused when people argue economics or deterrence. In most cases, the difference between life in prison and death is irrelevant when an evil person decides to commit a heinous crime and the argument for deterrence is extremely difficult to prove (because we do not fully understand the workings of the criminal mind). There is no way to prove conclusively that a potential criminal refrains from murder because the state imposes capital punishment. It is true that the cost of imposing capital punishment is greater than the cost of life imprisonment but these costs should never be the determining factor in making an ethical decision about appropriate justice.

Some people argue against the death penalty because some innocent people are convicted. Yes, it has been shown that some innocent people are on death row but there are also some innocent people in jail for life. The issue is how we can ensure that innocent people are not convicted unfairly, rather than using these exceptions as an argument against capital punishment.

On the other side of the equation, capital punishment is rationalized as justice because some people believe that if any time a life is taken, the attacker should lose his life in return. The question is whether our legal system should sink to the level of the killer; if a killer commits a heinous act, does this mean that the state should conduct the same action? By saying that those who kill should be killed is a disguised argument for revenge.

Another argument for capital punishment is that our justice system is inefficient and people who are committed to life in prison are released too soon. It is unfair to argue that capital punishment is the appropriate justice for the crime only because there are flaws in our legal system. In this case, we need to work on correcting the legal system so that lenient sentences are not inflicted for serious crimes. This is a separate issue from whether capital punishment is the appropriate justice; instead, this is a question about the effectiveness of our current judicial system. If the system is ineffective, we should not overcompensate punishment or take justice into our own hands; instead, we should change the legal system so that it is more equitable.

The real question for me is whether capital punishment is unequivocally the worst punishment that can be imposed upon a human being. We naturally place capital punishment at the furthest end of the spectrum. Since we cannot see the person anymore and because we cherish life, we assume that the punishment of death is more severe than any other form of punishment. Undoubtedly, capital punishment ensures that the person will never commit a crime again (in this lifetime) but couldn’t this same assurance be guaranteed if the person were locked up for life with no chance for parole?

Why do we assume that death is the severest form of punishment for the convicted felon? We do not know what happens at death. What if death is not the end of our existence? What if the universe is more forgiving than we are? If death is not a negative experience, then the only guaranteed suffering is for the friends and family who care about the convicted criminal. It is possible that individuals take their personal “hells” with them as they pass from this dimension to the next, but heinous criminals probably don’t feel the kind of remorse that is needed to create this kind of hell.

The only thing we know for certain is that a life in prison takes away all personal freedoms and that the day-to-day experience is brutally painful. Some criminals may adapt to this lifestyle but surely they are not free or happy. A life in prison is no life at all. All of a person’s dreams and hopes are taken away. The suffering continues until the day of their death. In my opinion, no existence or punishment could be worse than this. Since the harsh punishment of a life in prison is the only thing we know for sure, why do we assume that a harsher punishment is an existence we know nothing about? The punishment should fit the crime. Shouldn’t we be focusing on ensuring the severity of life in prison rather than imposing a punishment that has an unknown result?

In Michael Newton’s book, Destiny of Souls, he documents an extensive number of hypnosis sessions with patients to explain what happens in between lives. He states, “Those souls who have been associated with evil are taken to special centers which some clients call ‘intensive care units.’ Here, I am told, their energy is remodeled to make it whole again. Depending upon the nature of their transgressions, these souls could be rather quickly returned to Earth. They might well choose to serve as the victims of others evil acts in the next life. Still if their actions were prolonged and especially cruel over a number of lives, this would denote a pattern of wrongful behavior. Such souls could spend a long while in a solitary spiritual existence, possibly over a thousand Earth years. A guiding principle in the spirit world is that wrongdoing, intentional or unintentional, on the part of all souls will need to be redressed in some form in a future life. This is not considered punishment or even penance as much as an opportunity for karmic growth. There is no hell for souls, except perhaps on Earth.” If this theory is correct, then capital punishment does not ensure that the heinous criminal is secluded from society. In fact, it may indicate that this soul returns to earth rather quickly as an opportunity to balance its karmic transgressions. Sylvia Browne (world renown psychic) states that evil people come back to earth immediately without any intensive care or exclusion. They immediately go from the death in one life to birth in the next. If her theory is correct, then capital punishment ensures that the person returns immediately to earth without any spiritual rehabilitation.

If Charles Breaux’s theory about karma is correct, the soul is more likely to repeat the negative pattern, rather than changing it. In other words, the evil people who die by capital punishment should have the same propensity toward evil in their future life as they had in their current life. Thus, if we put all of these theories together, it means that capital punishment may create more evil on earth in the long run, rather than less. After the state has extinguished a criminal’s current life, the evil person is quickly returned to earth where he or she can commit further atrocities. A life in prison, on the other hand, would have ensured that the criminal was secluded from society for a long period of time.

For actions that are not illegal, the best way to ensure that the punishment is commensurate to the crime is to allow the universe to function appropriately. Negative actions may be resolved without any action on our part and unethical acts that are legal do not escape justice. The danger of trying to impose our own system of justice onto others is that we are likely to overestimate the appropriate punishment for unethical acts because the pain is personal. There is a high probability that our self-administered judicial system could be creating self-punishment without our knowledge or consent.

It is also helpful to realize that betrayals do not need resolution between the two people involved. Each person needs to answer to himself and God. In other words, the issue is always between the person who committed the infraction and the higher power in the universe. All individuals are accountable for their actions, but they do not have to be accountable to the person who is betrayed. It is better to forgive the person with the comfort of knowing that all inequities are eventually resolved. Even if the betrayer seems to get away with something that is unfair, we must never forget that universal equity is the natural law of the universe.

When John Nash’s behavior was monopolized by schizophrenia, he actually drew an insightful model of the balance among revenge, justice, mercy and love. It appeared that each emotion was intimately connected. Revenge was the lowest form of emotion that was a part of a larger system of justice. Justice was incorporated into the larger emotion of mercy (or forgiveness) and surrounding all of these emotions was love. His model looked like this:

This model is completely rational. The compassion of unconditional love naturally encompasses the emotion of mercy or forgiveness. If mercy exists, there is no need for justice because the action is already forgiven. For example, if someone refuses to press charges, he or she is saying that there is mercy, which means that no action is needed from the judicial system. On the other end of the spectrum, when justice exists, there is no need for revenge (unless an individual is irrationally consumed by personal hatred and retribution). . It is also interesting that revenge is at the base of the model because revenge is based in hate, rather than love, and it would be consistent that an action based in hate would be on the opposite side of the spectrum from the emotion of love.

If love is the all-encompassing emotion, then its attainment could make mercy, justice and revenge unnecessary. If we unconditionally loved someone who had treated us with cruelty, would we need to impose mercy? If we honestly forgive, do we need punishment through justice? If we believe in universal justice, do we need revenge? The other interesting aspect of the continuum is that it ranges from actions of the heart to actions of the head. Love and mercy are positive emotions generated from the heart, while justice and revenge are usually intellectually calculated.

In The Beautiful Mind, John Nash’s character gives a beautiful speech about the connection of heart and mind at the Nobel Prize ceremony. He states, “I’ve always believed in numbers -- in the equations and logic that lead to reason. But after a lifetime of such pursuits I ask, what truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical the delusional and back. And I have made the most important discovery of my career -- the most important discovery of my life -- it is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logical reasons can be found.”

A more detailed model of the hate to love continuum is shown below. The arrows represent influences. The desire for justice can be influenced by hatred or influenced by mercy. The resulting actions may also depend on the motivating influence. For example, if the desire for personal justice is influenced by hatred (for an act that is not illegal), there may be harsh personal punishment. If this same act is influenced by compassion, the end result will probably be confrontation or accountability without punishment.

The emotion of love is a primary influence over the entire process because it has the power to create the emotions of mercy, compassion or empathy. Without love, these emotions may not even exist and in turn, justice is primarily influenced by negative emotions such as hatred or anger. The entire system requires a healthy balance between mercy and justice. As stated in Kabbalah, Kenneth Hansen says that if there were too much mercy, “this would result in criminals going free or tyrants unchallenged. On the other hand, if too much judgment were to emanate, the innocent might be punished or people suffer inordinately…God it seems, has two faces, one of judgment, the other of compassion. While these characteristics appear as mutually contradictory, they are in fact meant to be in balance, in divine coexistence. When the opposing forces in the universe are maintained in perfect balance, all inequities and injustices are avoided.”

If we want to be free of blame, it is probably best not to blame others. Forgiving others is positive and revenge toward others is negative. Based on the system of karma, by forgiving someone else, we are actually forgiving ourselves because we are creating positive energy that can mitigate our past acts of negativity.

The balanced scales that represent justice are extremely symbolic. We can refute or ignore the balanced scales of the universe, but we can’t hide from the truth by closing our eyes. We can fail to see justice by labeling continual misfortune as “a run of bad luck;” but we can’t avoid taking responsibility for our actions just by believing that karma doesn’t really exist.

The Downward Spiral of Suffering

2009-10-03T21:37:00.001-07:00

Everybody suffers. We suffer through uncertainty; we suffer due to our relationships with others; we suffer from loneliness; and we suffer from our own insecurities. We suffer through illness, depression, boredom, procrastination, lack of purpose, pain, and growth. We suffer as a result of unrealized expectations or dreams that never came true. We suffer from the betrayals of others or by the friends that have disappeared. We suffer from rejection and loss of self-confidence; and we suffer most from our fears. We suffer from not having enough time or having too much time. Suffering is more “normal” than not suffering. When we see someone pass us on the street, we can be sure of only one thing – this person has suffered, is suffering or will suffer.

People who seem overly confident are suffering (such as the character that Matt Damon played in Good Will Hunting); people who are angry are suffering, people who are morose are suffering; people who are aggressive or shy are suffering and people who seem extremely happy can also be suffering. Suffering is an unavoidable characteristic of our humanity.

The only exceptions are people who have directly confronted their suffering and have learned to rise above it. These people have a calm, inner peace emanating from them. They seem extremely loving and compassionate and being around them tends to lift our spirits without any words being spoken. These people are the exception, instead of the rule. They are rare and hard to find.

Since anger is an “accepted” emotion, we may see anger more frequently than we see overt suffering. Yet anger is a form of suffering. If someone is angry with us, we need to understand that it is only because that person is suffering. The anger is not intended to cause us pain; but if we react with anger, then we are suffering too. The anger of a betrayal is due to the suffering caused by the betrayal. Anger over life’s inequities results because we suffer through similar inequities. Anger that results from pain is because we are suffering from the pain. Anger that is based on other people’s perceived inadequacies results from suffering from the same inadequacies or because we wish they were different people. Even if someone is annoying, the annoyance causes us to suffer.

The major problem with suffering is that it leads to more suffering. In many ways, it is a downward spiral. We want a magic cure to make our suffering go away, but we find that most people don’t want to be around us while we are suffering. They want us to be happy even when we are not. The loneliness and unwillingness of others to help us out of our suffering leads us to a greater form of suffering.

Suicide victims are caught in this downward spiral. There just seems no way out. They don’t want to impose their suffering on others and they can’t handle it themselves. Each year, there are more suicides than murders. These people have suffered greatly and most of their friends and family are shocked by the suicide. They had no idea that a loved one was in so much pain. We usually underestimate other people’s suffering. When someone commits suicide, more energy went into hiding the pain than into confronting it. We know that thousands of people commit suicide each year, but we cannot even begin to estimate the exorbitant number of people who are probably thinking about it.

A year ago, an acquaintance confessed that he had frequent thoughts about his own extinction during an extremely difficult period in his life. He said, “Every time I got on a plane, I had a secret wish that it would crash. I would dare cars to hit me and I never wore a seat belt. Even though I knew I would never commit suicide, I still hoped that my death would come. Silently, I would wish for death at least 10 times a day. I felt there was no way out of my suffering and I did not know how to survive it. The only remedies that got me from point A to B were escape tactics such as drugs or alcohol. I dreamed that someone compassionate would come into my life and help me deal with my suffering but my family was far away, I had no close friends and my acquaintances wanted me to be happy instead of sad. After a year of constant suffering I regained my psychological sanity, but only because I eventually learned that compassion for myself was my only savior.”

We need to have extreme empathy for the people who are stuck in the downward spiral of suffering. It’s easy to say that these people should know how to help themselves and if there is a problem, they just need to solve it. Many believe that if they can solve their own problems, then others should be able to do the same. These beliefs represent a condescending attitude toward others in pain and it is extremely naïve to assume that the relief of suffering has a neat and tidy solution. Life just isn’t that simple and sometimes individuals simply cannot tolerate their suffering without help from others. Most of the time, these people just need comfort and support to make it through the rough periods in life. Suffering is also accompanied by severe losses in self-esteem and extreme paralysis. If others are not empathetic, the person in pain can fall deeper into the downward spiral, which can be extremely dangerous for the person who is suffering.

Some people tend to judge others who are suffering by saying that they brought it onto themselves. Whether or not this is true is irrelevant. People need help, not judgment. As Michael Berg says in The Way, “What good does this judgment do? Instead, our first responsibility should be not to judge but to lend assistance. A person in pain needs relief, not moral reflection. A homeless man needs shelter, not philosophy, however well informed it might be. Unless we are certain that our judgment will help another person toward transformation, it is best to say nothing and to take positive action toward relieving the immediate distress. Often, the simple act of nonjudgmental listening is the best thing we can do for anyone. The whole purpose of spirituality is to become more conscious of the needs of others, more sympathetic, and more caring. So beware of the road that leads you in the other direction – toward judging others harshly. This is not a true spiritual path.”

Suffering is felt by the rich and poor, strong and weak, married or single, young or old. There is not one condition that frees someone from suffering. We thought Princess Diana had everything. We thought she had a fairytale life. Yet, while we thought that everything was wonderful, she was suffering from bulimia and had suicidal thoughts. She thought there was no cure for her suffering. Sarah Ferguson felt the same pain. She suffered greatly from her divorce and from the humiliation of the tabloids. She had debts she couldn’t pay. She could have crawled into a hole to hide, but instead she was committed to reinventing herself. The energy we have can be used for destruction or rehabilitation. The choice is up to us.

A bartender at our local bar is extremely judgmental. He thinks that other people are stupid (and he says he has no patience for stupid people), he has an argument against everything; he likes to be confrontational and even if he agrees with someone, he still disagrees with the person just to get a reaction. He accuses other people of being defensive and argumentative, when he is only describing himself. He insists that he has all the answers even though his answers conflict with each other. If someone challenges him, he attacks the person instead of the argument. We all know someone like this and many of us have some of these same characteristics.

Finally one day, I realized that this bartender was just angry. His anger was being expressed through discontent about things that seemed unrelated to himself, but his opinions and disagreements were just extensions of himself. I then realized that the bartender was simply suffering. His antagonism was an attempt to include others in his pain. Our natural tendency may be to stay away from people like this, but if we have compassion for suffering then we need to have compassion for these people. A person will only disagree with you if you let him. If you let him state his opinions with compassion about why he might have those opinions, the discussion can rest and the anger can be appeased. When the anger subsides, so does the suffering. These people can become our best teachers for learning compassion.

Buddhism teaches us that we suffer because of our desires. If we are grateful for what we already have, we will not suffer from what we lack. Suffering is often caused by focusing on what we don’t have. If we have money but we don’t have love, then the absence of love is the root of our suffering and if we have love but don’t have money, then the absence of money is the root of our suffering. Since we never have everything, we can always find a reason to suffer. Buddhism also teaches us that suffering is reduced by showing compassion to others and yourself. The best way to relieve your own suffering is by helping to alleviate other people’s pain.

In fact, the first noble truth in Buddhism is that everyone suffers. Without suffering, there could be no compassion in this world. When someone suffers, the pain gives everyone the gift of being able to show empathy; it is a subtle request from the universe to help others. Expressing compassion awakens the soul. This concept is represented in an old fable about a woman who goes to see her religious leader and asks for a magic cure for her suffering. The religious leader tells her to bring him a mustard seed from a family that has not suffered. She goes to the finest palace in the land and learns about their great suffering and pain. She then knocks on the door of the poor and finds great suffering. In her travels, she could not find a single household that was free from suffering but by sharing their pain and helping to console them, her own suffering was relieved. The magic cure for her suffering was achieved by having compassion for others.

Sometimes I have felt that my suffering had no release. These were the times I was consumed with fear or pain. I knew that if my fear was not appeased or if the pain did not subside, my suffering would continue. I eventually found release through faith, compassion for myself, and patience. I also had to be willing to surrender. Surrendering does not mean that someone has “given up;” instead, it is a form of humility. Surrendering requires a submission to powerful forces that can provide direction or grace. It is a form of inner peace, rather than weakness. Yet, surrendering cannot exist in a vacuum. Simultaneously, we need to believe that if we try to fix the problem, the solution will come. Whenever I have relaxed and had faith that my fears or pain would subside, they usually did. Miraculously, the problem seemed to find its own solution.

For example, in June 2003 (during the Great Recession), I was presented with this type of miracle. On the first of the month, I had no money for rent or food (and I was seriously in debt). I was consulting at the time and there were no potential clients in the pipeline (it usually takes 60 days to close a new contract). Instead of feeling fear and paralysis, I just had faith that something would miraculously appear (even though my friends accused me of living in a fantasy world). Intellectually, I knew the chances for survival were slim, so I placed ads to sublet my apartment and made tentative plans to move back to my parent’s house. As a backup plan, I rearranged the house and advertised for roommates. I had contacted a previous boss to sublet my apartment because I knew he was living in a temporary residence hotel. He told me that he did not want to sublet an apartment, but at the same time he said that his company needed to evaluate the regional distribution of their products. I immediately put together a proposal and he ensured that I was granted the project. In seven days, I received a check that allowed me to stay in my apartment. He threw me a lifeline just when I thought the “game” was over. Both of my partners left town that month due to the terrible business economy. Psychologically, I could have fallen apart but my faith in miracles allowed me to believe in a solution even though it was extremely unlikely. To my further surprise, a business associate called about a potential client during this same seven-day period. 24 hours after I received the miracle check, we received a commitment from a second client. This type of business activity was unprecedented during the recession. I was only a few weeks away from closing the business and moving out of my apartment but miraculously, I was saved. The unexpected business activity surpassed all my idealistic expectations for a solution. I was hoping for a small miracle but instead, I was given salvation. I remembered Michael Berg’s words in his book, The Way, “It’s not a matter of I’ll believe it when I see it. Instead, it’s When you believe it, you’ll receive it.”

Suffering is a great teacher. As Mother Teresa said to Diana, “To heal other people, you have to suffer yourself.” We learn from painful experiences, they force us to make major changes in our lives, we gain a greater understanding of pain and ourselves, and consequently, we can become a more compassionate comforter for others who experience pain. How can we understand suffering if we never experience it? Although it is difficult to see suffering as a gift, we need to remember that we are only given the pain because we can learn from it. A teacher will not give a calculus book to a 3^rd grader because its content would be wasted. We would not be given suffering if it could not be used for our own spiritual evolution. Michael Berg says The “Kabbalah urges us to be aware that we are always being tested – and that the tests become more challenging as we move closer to [God]… if an enemy commander sees that our forces are strong, he will send more of his own troops into the struggle. When the positive side of our nature grows, the negative inclination also becomes stronger…When the test gets harder, it’s an indication that we are moving in the right direction.”

It is important to recognize that suffering is not the opposite of beauty and in many ways beauty is reflected through suffering. In the book, The 72 Names of God, Yehuda Berg says, “When we suffer, when we experience pain, when we undergo grief and heartache, the hurting actually purges ego and self-interest from our nature. The soul—our true self—shines brighter in that moment…Our true selfless, divine self shines through whenever our egos are battered and shaken to the core.”

Many people actually experience greater happiness after a traumatic event because they are given the opportunity to reevaluate their priorities. In the book, The Pursuit of Happiness, David Meyers says, “Victims of cancer (and other life-threatening events) often reappraise their lives, reorder their values and priorities, and renew their close relationships. Things they formerly took for granted, even the opportunities of each new day, they now pause to appreciate. As a result, many think they are better adjusted than before suffering cancer.” Lucio, a former gas station attendant, was another example of suffering turning to beauty. After a crippling motorcycle accident (that left him paralyzed below the waist), Lucio decided to transform his life. ”The tragedy somehow awakened a new resolve, challenging him to enroll in and complete college, and to become a successful tax consultant and regional archery champion.”

When we suffer, we need to understand that we are not alone. We may think we are the only ones who are suffering, but we all suffer from something. Some people think they look too old or too fat. Others believe that they are not attractive enough, or not happy enough, or not wealthy enough, or not secure enough. We can always find some measure that we cannot reach. We all are affected by other people’s opinions and it is easy to find people who think we do not live up to their expectations (including ourselves).

Some people have spouses who always find inadequacies with their partners. Both people go through life suffering. One spouse feels that the other is not good enough and the other partner feels inadequate. They don’t realize that they are creating suffering when suffering never had to exist in the first place. If we think we can marry perfection, we live in a fairytale world. Human beings are not perfect and never will be, no matter how much we want them to be. We say that someone may be perfect for us, even if that person isn’t perfect, but that perception is also an illusion. That person may complement us well and may understand us, but the concept of perfection cannot exist. The only perfection in this universe is in our concept of God (or a supreme being or nirvana). The good news is that a part of this perfection lives in every human being. Therefore, even if the person isn’t perfect, perfection is a part of them. We can reduce the suffering (that appears to be caused by others) by respecting the people who in are in our lives. There is always a seed of perfection that we can respect. If we show our respect for others, we are likely to find that our relationship with them improves. However, when respect is gone, so is the relationship. I once wanted to end a relationship with someone. Rather than ending it immediately (which I thought would cause him pain), I just stopped respecting him. My lack of respect caused the relationship to become antagonistic and mutually, we decided that the relationship was over. I never had to end it; I just needed to stop respecting him. The reverse is also true. If we want a relationship to continue without suffering, then we need to continually respect the other person.

Suffering may never go away but each of us can help someone who is suffering. Kind words or compassionate listening can make all the difference in the world. As a friend explained, “One day, I was feeling extremely distressed. I went out secretly wishing that someone would make me feel better. Yet, I experienced the reverse. The people who knew me were angry with me for not being my usual cheerful self. I heard comments such as ‘What is wrong with you? Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?’ I then felt myself slipping deeper into my own suffering. Instead of hearing compassionate words of support for my obvious sadness, I was alienated. I felt more alone around these people because of the hostility. I was not allowed to be sad. No one said a kind word or offered compassion. I was the villain because I could not put on a ‘game face.’ I even heard later that I was criticized behind my back to friends who weren’t even there. My only ‘crime’ was that I was sad. I wasn’t hurting anyone else and I didn’t say anything mean or negative.”

A colleague explained a similar story, “I once lost a friend because I was sad one night. I left a party early and was blamed for not being a good conversationalist. There was no compassion for what I might have been feeling; instead I was blamed for not being the life of the party. My suffering was exacerbated because I not only had to bear the pain of my current condition, but I lost a good friend as well. It was truly heartless.” People don’t want others to make their problems go away; they just want someone to care. A friendly touch, a kind word, or compassionate listening can significantly alleviate suffering. Is this really too much to ask? We cannot expect someone to be happy all the time when suffering is a natural part of the human experience. Why isn’t it okay to be sad?

This point was exacerbated one night when I was at a surprise birthday party. One of the guests was the mother of the host’s best friend. She was about 25 years older than all the other guests; and she was divorced and lived alone. To me, she was the most interesting person at the party. During the first few minutes of conversation, she kept saying how fortunate she was to be invited and how perfect everything was in life. She seemed extremely happy but the repetition of her “happiness statements” made me start to wonder. Something was wrong. I probed a little further by pointing out that most people are not happy continuously even though they may feel that they are supposed to act happy around others. Finally, her walls came down. She confessed that if she did not appear to be extremely happy around other people, she wouldn’t be invited to parties. For the first time, I saw the presence of sadness in her eyes. Yet, she must have felt very vulnerable after the confession, because her “happiness statements” immediately returned and they were more adamant than before. It became clear to me that she believed that it wasn’t okay to be sad in the presence of others. If she didn’t have her “game face” on, other people would not want to include her in their lives. I felt tremendous compassion for her and everybody else who believes the same thing. I looked around the room and wondered how many people were suffering under a mask of happiness. They were there but I knew I couldn’t break through the masks to find something they didn’t want me to see. Ironically, I was also suffering that night and didn’t know if I could keep my “game face” on. I had told myself that if “the act” became difficult, I would politely leave. After I met this party guest, my own suffering was transformed. Even if she didn’t know about my compassion, it provided a temporary release from own suffering. When you feel compassion for others, surprisingly, you also feel compassion for yourself; and once the compassion is felt, the suffering seems to drift away (at least temporarily).

Generally, we think that others should be compassionate toward us because we have all faced suffering at one time or another. The problem is that many people want to avoid suffering by pretending that it doesn’t exist. Even though these people may be warm-hearted individuals, they may not be able to offer support and compassion when we need it most. Our suffering reminds them that life can be filled with hardship and pain. If they want to believe that life is always happy or if they want to avoid their own suffering, they may tend to avoid people who are dealing with painful situations.

Buddhism teaches us that a detachment of “self” can help alleviate our suffering. By distancing ourselves from the outcome of the adversity and by recognizing that we are not separate from everyone else on this planet, we can rise above our suffering. When we see a stranger, we should try to connect to this person on some level. Even if it is a silent wish that the person will not suffer, it is a statement of compassion that helps both people rise above the suffering of humanity. Esoterically, we can feel these silent expressions of good will even if we don’t know where the feeling is coming from.

Expressing silent wishes for peace can often transform a hostile situation. In The Sermon on the Mount, Emmet Fox relates the following story: “A lady was annoyed by overhearing two men engaged on some repairs outside her window, who, unaware of her proximity, were indulging in very bad language. For a moment a tide of anger and contempt surged up in her mind concerning them, but…she instantly concentrated her attention upon the Divine Presence, which she knew to be within each of them – as it is within all men…Instantaneously the offensive language ceased. She said it was as though it had been chopped off with a knife.” After I read that passage, I tried the same experiment with my cat. Sometimes, she gets extremely agitated and starts to bite. I used to get angry at these expressions but I found that my anger increased her agitation and the biting became more severe. The next time she became agitated, I decided to express silent feelings of love instead of anger. To my surprise, the biting immediately stopped and she started purring. Within a few seconds, she started licking my hand instead of biting it.

When I was in Barcelona, I had a hotel room on the same floor as the Dalai Lama. One night he was just sitting outside his room as I walked by. At the time, I didn’t recognize him. I just looked at him and smiled and he immediately said hello. Yet, it was different from other people’s hellos. I could feel compassion emanating from the expression of his eyes. It was easy to see that he genuinely cared about other people. I immediately felt better. When I caught up with my business colleague, he said, “Do you know that you just passed the Dalai Lama in the hall?” At the time, I didn’t know what he looked like and there were many Buddhist monks in the hotel, so I didn’t know I had said hello to the Dalai Lama. Reflecting on the moment, I realized why I had felt so uplifted by a simple hello. He had a gift that I have rarely seen in other people.

Compassion is easy to recognize if it is genuine. The Dalai Lama frequently makes other people feel better with very few words; he can reduce suffering because he radiates a special spirituality and genuine caring for other people. Even without knowing who he is, a person feels better in his presence. The effect of the Dalai Lama’s compassion was extremely obvious after one of his lectures. When he was leaving the room, he was approached by an antagonistic individual who said many cruel things in a very loud voice. In response, the Dalai Lama said nothing. He just looked into the eyes of this man with great compassion. The angry individual suddenly stopped yelling and to the surprise of everyone who was watching, he just broke down and started to cry. The Dalai Lama’s compassion instantaneously relieved the suffering that had precipitated the anger.

The Dalai Lama’s gift can exist in all of us. If we stop focusing on our own problems and recognize that other people are suffering, we can make other people feel better, which in turn makes us feel better at the same time. If we all could express sympathy for our fellow human beings, this world would be a much better place to live.

A moment of kindness is all that is needed to help alleviate suffering on this planet – and it is not a difficult goal to achieve. It only takes the expression of a few seconds of compassion for each person we encounter. Whether it is a stranger or a friend, the gift of compassion can lift a person’s spirits. The simple truth is that life is tough. Wouldn’t life be easier for everyone if we could just allocate a few minutes of our day to show someone that we care?

The Circle of Life

2009-10-03T21:12:00.000-07:00

Is Life a Circle or a Line?

On a summer day in 1988, I was consumed by one question, “Is life a line or a circle?” Is birth the beginning of the line with death at the other end of the line, or do birth and death come together at the same point in a circle of life? Are old age and childhood more similar than different? I wasn’t sure why I had to answer that question on that particular day or why the question seemed so important at the time.

I suppose I wondered whether life had a beginning and an end or whether we go through life repeating similar cycles. Maybe a circle is not the appropriate image. Maybe life is a sphere where movement is continuous in a three-dimensional framework. I drove around in search of a place for my discovery and found a desolate beach where I could be alone with my thoughts. I then noticed a beautiful park that was next to the beach so I wandered over to the gardens and sat down. An old man was sitting next to me and he turned to me without saying hello and said just one thing, “you must know that everything is a circle.” I was in shock that this man seemed to read my mind and answered my question without any prior information. I was speechless in response to his statement. For the next hour, I just listened to everything he had to say. He eloquently expressed his philosophies, which were shockingly similar to my private thoughts -- even my view that all religions were just different paths to reach the same goal. He then told me that I was studying and I thought he was asking whether I was in school. I told him that I had graduated a few months ago but he said that wasn’t the kind of studying he was referring to. He seemed to know about all my obsession for spiritual study even though I never told him. When I left, he told me that it was his 80^th birthday. I’ve never forgotten the conversation because I felt so peaceful in his presence and it was extremely coincidental that he seemed to know my thoughts when I hadn’t revealed any information. It felt like I was listening to a mythical mentor who had knowledge that was difficult to find elsewhere. I knew he was wise the minute he started talking and it is rare in life to be exposed to such wisdom. For many years I tried to find that park again but I was always unsuccessful. I often wonder whether this man existed at all or if he was just an extension of my own imagination.

Later I found out that the philosophy of “life as a circle” was not a new concept at all. In the book, Everyday Karma, world renown psychic, Carmen Harra states, “We are all interconnected and part of the greater circle of life. None of us an escape the circle of life, which the Buddhists and Hindus call ‘Samsara’ or the ‘Wheel of Life.’ Everything in the Universe is made of energy and all this energy is contained within this circle. This circle has no end, and since energy can’t be static, it’s in constant, perpetual motion. Everything is in motion; everything is constantly transforming; everything is in a constant state of transition. Since we are all energy and energy doesn’t die, we all share in this condition of perpetual evolution and transformation.” In The History of God, Karen Armstrong says, “the most perfect motion, therefore, was the circle because it was perpetually turning and returning to its original point: the circling celestial spheres imitate the divine world as best they can.”

The Circle’s Symbolism

Life is frequently represented as a circle in ancient religions and myths. Jung said that “one of the most powerful religious symbols is the circle. The circle is one of the great primordial images of mankind and in considering the symbol of the circle, we are analyzing the self.” Joseph Campbell agrees with this analogy and says, “The whole world is a circle. All of these circular images reflect the psyche, so there may be some relationship between these architectural designs and the actual structuring of our spiritual functions. When a magician wants to work magic, he puts a circle around himself, and it is within this bounded circle, this hermetically sealed-off area, that the powers can be brought into play that are lost outside the circle… The circle…represents totality. Everything within the circle is one thing, which is encircled, enframed. That would be the spatial aspect. But the temporal aspect of the circle is that you leave, go somewhere, and always come back. God is the alpha and the omega, the source and the end. The circle suggests immediately a completed totality, whether in time or in space.”

In essence, the circle represents the continuity of life because the circle has no end. Shamans stated that the circle represented the passage from the natural to the supernatural world and circles are frequently seen in cave paintings all over the world. Surprisingly, these similar images were drawn by cultures that had no connection to one another. Plato also wrote that our “original state” was a perfect circle that was eventually split into two separate beings. Unexplained mysteries also appear as circles. Originally, Stonehenge was created with a perfect outer circle and in farmlands strange circles miraculously appear where crops can’t be grown. Ancient rituals were also practiced in sacred prayer circles; campfires are circles and nests are circles. The circle of the ring in the marriage ceremony is a symbol of continuity and infinite love and King Arthur’s roundtable used the circle as a symbol of equality. The circle as a wheel was the greatest invention of humankind. This mythical shape allowed movement and progress. Before the wheel, we lived with limitations and boundaries.

Running and Returning

The interesting concept of the circle is that the farther we travel from its beginning, the closer we come to it. The act of traveling away actually brings us nearer. In the Kabbalah, they frequently refer to “running and returning.” The farther you run, the closer you come to where you started. The farther we travel from the Source, the closer we come to it. Searching for wisdom is similar to this analogy. After years of complex thinking, we arrive back at simplicity. To unite with others, we may first have to become very different in order to recognize our similarities. At some point, we travel farther than the midpoint of the circle and then we begin our journey home (like the concept of birth and death).

Even Einstein proved that infinite travel is actually circular. In The Celestine Vision, Redfield explains Einstein’s theories by saying, “The overall universe is curved by the entirety of the matter within it in an incredibly mysterious way. This means if we were to travel in a perfectly straight line in one direction long enough, over a great enough distance, we would return to the exact same place where we began.”

Is a Circle Nothing or Everything?

It’s also not surprising that oo represents infinity. The symbol flows continuously and it is more appropriate than a circle because mathematically, the circle is interpreted as zero or nothing. When two zero’s flow together, we create the symbol for infinity. Nothing is just part of an image that reflects everything.

This concept is prevalent in meditation. At the point that you find nothingness, you find everything. The objective is to clear the mind of thoughts and external influences so that it can be an effective receiver for knowledge and insights. If the mind is full, it cannot take in new information (just as a full glass of liquid cannot take in any more substance). In essence, the person who meditates is seeking a state of “nothingness” and at this point of emptiness comes totality. In other words, by reaching emptiness, there is an infinite connection to the universal energy that envelops us in perfect harmony.

According to Fritjof Capra in his book, The Tao of Physics, he explains that the Brahman of the Hindus, the Dharmakaya of the Buddhists and the Tao of the Taoists all describe the ultimate reality as formless, empty or void. “But this emptiness is not to be taken for mere nothingness. It is, on the contrary, the essence of all forms and the source of all life.” Lao Tzu “often compares the Tao to a hollow valley, or to vessel which is forever empty and thus has the potential of containing an infinity of things.” He also says, “We join spokes together in a wheel, but it is the center hole that makes the wagon move. We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want. We hammer wood for a house, but it is the inner space that makes it livable. We work with being, but non-being is what we use.”

Emptiness as totality is at the basis of physics. If you imagine an orange and then you blow up the orange in your mind to the size of the earth, an orange’s atom would be the size of a cherry. Now take this cherry (that conceptualizes the atom) and blow it up to the size of the dome of St. Peter’s Cathedral. The nucleus of this atom is the size of a grain of sand. The rest of the atom is just empty space. Thus, these atoms that define the totality of physical objects are primarily composed of empty space. According to Einstein, 99.999% of all solid matter is actually empty space. The “O” that mathematically represents “nothing” is actually symbolic of a geometric shape that represents totality.

The Interconnection of Birth and Death

I have always wondered why we mourn death and celebrate life since both events are so intertwined. Are these changes within “being” rather than changes to “being?” Do these events just create different manifestations of the same energy force? Why don’t we celebrate a person’s life on the day they die instead of grieving because we can no longer interact with this person in the physical world? Every day we celebrate one more day of our lives when in fact, we are one day closer to death. Death doesn’t just happen on one particular day. Every day that came before led up to the event. As stated by the Dalai Lama in An Open Heart, “Before we can renounce cyclic existence, we must first recognize that we shall all inevitably die. We are born with the seed of our own death. From the moment of birth, we are approaching this inevitable demise.”

The body prepares itself for death during life. As we get older, the functions of the body slowly break down so that death can occur. This may seem like a warped way of looking at life -- similar to viewing the glass as half empty -- but that is only because we view death as a negative event. The person “disappears” so it cannot be positive; yet, how do we know whether death is positive or negative if we have no memory of experiencing it ourselves?

The only real certainty in life is that we will eventually die, so why would we avoid thinking about it? Shouldn’t we prepare ourselves for the event so that we can accept it gracefully, without fear? We wouldn’t walk into battle unprepared, so why is it acceptable to die without preparation? The Tibetan Book of the Dead prepares people for death in the same way that education prepares people for life or the way an expectant mother prepares for birth. Joseph Campbell says, “One can experience an unconditional affirmation of life only when one has accepted death, not as contrary to life but as an aspect of life. Life in its becoming is always shedding death, and on the point of death… We must constantly die one way or another to the selfhood already achieved.”

According to Michael Newton in his book, Destiny of Souls, he states “In our culture, we do not prepare properly for death during life because it is something we cannot fix or change… In discussing life after death on my lecture tours, I was surprised to find that many people who held very traditional religious views seemed to be the most fearful of death. The fear for most of us comes from the unknown. Unless we have had a near-death experience or undergone a past life regression where we remember what death felt like in a former life, death is a mystery… Thus, our culture views death as an abhorrence.”

In Phaedo, Plato describes that opposites are generated from one another or for something to be greater means that something has to be less; the stronger is derived from the weaker; the swifter from the slower. He writes, “then there is a new way in which we arrive at the inference that the living come from the dead, just as the dead come from the living; and if this is true, then the souls of the dead must be in some place out of which they come again… if generation were in a straight line only, and there were no compensation or circle in nature, no turn or return into one another, then you know that all things would at last have the same form and pass into the same state and there would be no more generation of them… if all things which partook of life were to die, and after they were dead remained in the form of death, and did not come to life again, all would at last die, and nothing would be alive.”

Death actually happens every day of our lives. Our cells die at the same time that there is new cell growth. Physically, life and death happen simultaneously. In The Tao of Physics, it is stated, “Like the subatomic world of the physicist, the phenomenal world of the Eastern mystic is a world of samsura – of continuous birth and death.”

In French, the word for orgasm is “petite mort,” or little death. In essence, the interpretation is that at the height of ecstasy or at the point we find spiritual and physical exaltation, we must let go of something else. A part of us must die as we succumb to the emotional release that allows us to experience bliss; and since an orgasm also produces the seed for new life, the implication is that the creation of life requires the death of something else.

In Scott Peck’s book, The Road Less Traveled, he states, “it is abundantly clear that this lifetime is a series of simultaneous deaths and births. ‘Throughout the whole of life one must continue to learn to live,’ said Seneca two millennia ago, ‘and what will amaze you even more, throughout life one must learn to die.’ It is also clear that the farther one travels on the journey of life, the more births one will experience and therefore the more deaths – the more joy and the more pain.” In his book, Further Along the Road Less Traveled, he explains that the journey in life is not a straight line, “it is, rather, like a series of concentric circles expanding out from the core, and there is nothing simple or straightforward about it.”

In nature we constantly see a circular motion of “birth” and “death.” After snow falls and the air warms, we see the “death” of snow and the “birth” of water. If the water hits the cold air as the snow melts, we see the death of water and the birth of ice (in the form of icicles). When the air becomes warmer, we then see the death of ice and the birth of water again. Eventually, this water turns into the air, which is used to create the next round of snow.

Constant death and birth also apply subjectively. Our childhood dreams die as we walk down the path of life and other dreams are born in their place. For example, some people are forced to let their dreams about having children die due to circumstances or nature. If the dream must die then something else must live – an alternative path or a new way of accomplishing the same dream. We can adopt children or become foster parents. With advancements in medical science, the dream of children can be accomplished with fertilization treatments or by adopting an egg, buying some sperm or hiring a surrogate. If childbirth is still impossible, a different path for accomplishing similar benefits is to become Big Brothers or Big Sisters for children who are struggling to get through life. Or we can devote our time and love to our nieces and nephews. In Southern Africa, thousands are dying of starvation and there is not enough money to solve the problem. Rescue workers watch children and their parents die everyday because there simply is not enough food to go around. Instead of focusing on our own needs for a personal birth, we could be focusing our resources to help ensure that a living human being is not forced to die. Doesn’t the act of saving a human life bear similar benefits to procreation? In both cases, life goes on.

The Similarity of Childhood and Old Age

Life also resembles a circle because childhood and old age have similarities. After being independent since childhood, old age can force similar dependencies. It may be difficult to get dressed alone and it may be extremely fulfilling to have someone read to us. The frightening part of this repetition is that the support network we had as children is gone. We also aren’t adorable anymore so the attention feels different. It can feel more like pity than love. We may be forced to rely on strangers if our parents are dead and our children are busy with their own lives (or we may not have children to rely on).

In addition, our childhood dreams are gone. Hopes are replaced with regret and guilt. Innocence is replaced with wisdom. In this dependency state, we are at the end of our path instead of the beginning. What are our dreams during old age? Sometimes, the only dream is to avoid the pain of old age. How do we accomplish the dream of enjoying the journey when the day-to-day existence can be unbearable? What if we feel there is no love in our lives, including a love for ourselves? We wait for the only fate ahead of us and our lives are filled with the visions of death. Painfully, we are extremely aware of death because our contemporaries are passing away. Instead of childhood anticipation, there is fear of the unknown.

Old age gives us the time that we never had when we were young. Yet, this time may not be very desirable if a person doesn’t know what to with it. If self-worth is compromised, the time may feel like a curse. Maybe nursing homes should be more like camp. Maybe we should recognize the similarity between old age and childhood by encouraging playtime. There could be crafts classes and recreation time. We can teach the elderly how to play again. Children can even join in the fun. By recognizing the similarity between these two phases of life, we may be able to increase daily fulfillment for the elderly.

Often a negative attitude is the only barrier to fun. My grandmother was an artist her entire life but since her stroke, she has no desire to draw, paint or make sculptures. Her attitude has shifted because she is no longer fulfilled by her craft. She has decided to become unhappy. Her only pleasure comes from watching movies. This activity is similar to childhood too. When we are children, we are glued to the TV. This same desire can return during old age.

Maybe we should have puppies and kittens in nursing homes while they wait for adoption. Why should they be imprisoned at the pound instead of loved by the elderly? In my mind, the ultimate nursing home would incorporate childlike elements. We could celebrate the child that lives in older individuals instead of pitying them because some of their adult independence is gone.

Two years ago at Christmas I bought 50 little stuffed animals and I gave them away to children that I saw during my flight home. Parents were first suspicious of my behavior because it was unusual to receive free stuffed animals from a stranger, but the children that accepted my gift gave me great joy. I brought some of the stuffed animals to the nursing home when we went to visit my grandmother because I thought some children might be there. To my surprise, my grandmother’s face lit up when she saw the stuffed animals. I gave her two of them and they made her extremely happy. I was so shocked at the time. I never knew that stuffed animals gave her such pleasure.

At the time, I did not understand the similarities between old age and childhood so I was confused by her reaction. Now it makes sense to me. Maybe there needs to be more toys in her life. Why are toys only created for children? Couldn’t there be toys for older adults? We need to recognize that playtime can be fun our entire lives. In the middle of life, playtime is often achieved through sports. At an older age when sports are no longer an option, we may just need different kinds of toys.

A difference between childhood and old age is that graduation from school is replaced with graduation from this physical life. Yet we believe that academic graduation is commencement -- we see it as a beginning rather than as an end. Graduation from earth may be the same. Though we may not look forward to it in the same way because we don’t know what is waiting for us.

The Continuity of Life

If life is a circle then physical death is only the birth to a new existence -- life is continuous eternally. Some people may interpret this as a way of saying that our lives continue through the people we have loved, or the things that we have said or the words that we have written. Actors are immortal through their movies and politicians are immortal through history. It could also mean that the life force never ends. Mary T. Browne says, “The circle is a symbol of the universal God force, which has neither beginning nor end.” We may see a two-dimensional circle that seems to be defined through birth and death but if the circle is a multi-dimensional sphere it just means that we can’t see the other dimensions right now. If life is continuous, we should not be afraid of the end of this particular existence. We should just prepare ourselves for the journey that lies ahead. As Karlfried Graf Durckheim says, “When you’re on a journey, and the end keeps getting further and further away, then you realize that the real end is the journey.”

If the wise man I met was right, then in an objective reality, everything in life has a circular flow. We already know that the earth rotates in a circle, our journey around the sun is circular and the moon’s journey around the earth is circular. Even our clocks and watches are circular. If one morning to the next is a circle and one year to the next is a circle, and seasonal flows are circular, then why wouldn’t our lives be a circle as well?

The circle seems to be the natural movement of life and it is possible that reincarnation provides a circle for an existence that transcends from one dimension to the next. The circle is the perfect representation of continual flow. The unknown is the known and the future and past flow continuously into the present.

If life is a circle, then tomorrow always comes. It may not be a tomorrow on the physical plane but it means that the future can never die. Lao Tzu says, “If you stay in the center and embrace death with your whole heart, you will endure forever.” Some may believe that at death the future turns into a state of “nothingness” but perhaps this image of “nothing” is only a part of an entity that represents everything. Just like mathematical symbols, perhaps the circle we see on the physical plane connects to another circle in a different dimension. At the point of connection, our circular flow is no longer a circle. Instead, the unification of circles transcends from a 0to oo and thus, we transcend from “nothing” to infinity. Perhaps the circular connection between this life and the next transforms our perceived emptiness into an image of totality. This would mean that from one we become all, and correspondingly our individuality becomes interconnected to the natural flow of the infinite universe.

The Critical Path

2009-10-03T14:52:00.000-07:00

The debate between free will and fate is a never-ending battle. Some people believe that life’s events are random and free will is the only power that we have to determine our future. Other people believe that fate is controlling our destiny. Isn’t it possible that both viewpoints are correct? Randomness may only be an illusion. Many random events appear to have order when they are viewed from a different perspective. For example, if you look closely at a painting by Seurat, the painting looks like random dots of color. Yet, when you step back from the painting the dots come together to form a magnificent work of art. C.G. Jung defined synchronicity as “meaningful coincidences.” Events or actions that appear to be independently random eventually seem to have meaning when they are viewed in relation to each other.

Maybe our ultimate destiny or direction in life results from the combination of free will and fate. Free will is our right to choose a particular direction. Some of our choices may create a significant event, while other choices may result in nothing. Free will may be working with fate to direct our destiny, and the resulting events could help us accomplish our unique purpose on earth.

The root of the debate focuses on whether or not each person has a unique purpose in life. If we are spiritual beings, the purpose of life may be to evolve the soul by learning certain lessons. People who believe in reincarnation have stated that earth is being used as a “school” to help evolve the soul towards perfection. When I was younger my sister told me that reincarnation was impossible. She argued, “Reincarnation is just not logical. Why would we spend so much time learning lessons only to forget them at birth? What would be the point of learning a lesson in the first place? It also makes no sense that we would keep coming back to earth. How could we evolve in a place where we had already been? If we were supposed to learn additional lessons, why wouldn’t we learn them in a spiritual universe or on a different planet?”

Books on reincarnation have stated that amnesia at birth doesn’t really exist because all information remains in the subconscious. If we learned a lesson in a previous lifetime, we will always remember it. The individual only consciously forgets the previous events that allowed the soul to initially learn the lesson. For example, many people are naturally unselfish without being exposed to circumstances that would have allowed the lesson to be learned. It is possible that unselfishness was learned prior to the individual’s current existence. Many believe that if a person remembers past life events, it could interfere with the learning process. For example, suppose that in a previous life an individual was extremely wealthy, which created an attitude of superiority. In response, the same individual may be born to a life of poverty to learn humility. If the past life is remembered, humility may not be learned because the person may be angry and bitter that the wealth has disappeared instead of facing the conditions that are necessary to learn the lesson of humility. Furthermore, if past life events are remembered, there could never be a “clean slate” between two people. If a person remembers being murdered by another person, the anger or desire for revenge may prevent these people from making a transition from one life to the next.

Reincarnation theory also states that earth may be re-experienced so that the same people can be brought back together. During a lifetime, the karmic balance between people is not always obtained (especially if one person murders another). Therefore, reincarnation ensures that the same people may come back in different roles, so that retribution may occur. For example, if a mother abused a child in one life, their roles may reverse in the next. This opportunity gives both people the chance to balance the negative actions that were unresolved during their first life together.

The earth is also a valuable learning institution because of the imperfections of the human body. The body needs food, water, shelter, and good health to survive. By withdrawing life’s necessities, certain lessons can be learned. For example, poverty and illness are valuable tools for learning certain lessons. In the spiritual universe, the “body” does not need money and does not get sick. Therefore, some lessons learned on earth could never be learned in a spiritual universe. In the spiritual world, there is also no greed, hate, conceit, need for power or anger. The presence of these attributes on Earth can be extremely valuable learning tools.

Reincarnation has been “authenticated” through thousands of cases of past life regressions, in which a person is asked to recall past life experiences under hypnosis. Many people have recited detailed descriptions about obscure historical events and ordinary people that lived hundreds of years earlier. Since the details are not cited in history books, it is highly unlikely that this information could have been learned in the conscious state. The actual verification of the historical facts required months (and sometimes years) of significant research. The people remembered under hypnosis were not famous. To verify the recollection, birth certificates of obscure people have been found in antiquated records that have not been viewed by anyone for hundreds of years. Married couples have also described details of identical past lives from hundreds of years before, even though each partner was hypnotized separately and neither person had access to information that was reported by their spouse. Many couples have found that they were together in previous lifetimes in different roles. Sometimes they were brother and sister, or mother and child, as enemies or friends, or of the opposite gender.

Under hypnosis, patients can also speak in strange languages that are currently extinct. Sylvia Browne hypnotized a patient who described a life as a pyramid builder. He then started talking in what she thought was gibberish. She sent the tape to a professor at Stanford and she reports that the professor called back “breathless with excitement, to tell me that after considerable research, he and his colleagues were in unanimous agreement that those goofy nonsense syllables were actually my client speaking fluent seventh-century BC Assyrian, a language that would have been very popular among pyramid builders.” She asked her patient if he was a linguist or knew Assyrian but he had never even heard of the language. In Brian Weiss’s book, Messages from the Masters, he reports a story about two-year old twins who were speaking to each other with strange words that appeared to have sentence structure and there was mutual comprehension. Their parents took the twins to a professor of ancient languages at Columbia University who identified the “baby talk” as perfect Aramaic. According to the professor, Aramaic is virtually an extinct language that is spoken only in a remote part of Syria. Its last era of prominence was around the time when Jesus lived.

People even have birthmarks in the exact spot where they recall a death wound under hypnosis. For instance, someone may recall a fatal knife wound in the throat that happened thousands of years earlier and the hypnotist then notices a faded birthmark in the shape of a slash on the person’s throat. Sylvia Browne found that 98% of her patients with birthmarks had a death experience that corresponded to the shape of the birthmark (which was discovered after the hypnosis session was over). Furthermore, many irrational fears or mysterious pains are cured after past-life hypnosis. Patients who have an irrational fear of water are suddenly “cured” when, under hypnosis they recall an experience of drowning to death in the 1300’s. One of Sylvia Browne’s patients had extreme trouble swallowing on various occasions and would be unable to breathe, which resulted in continual calls to paramedics. After a hypnosis session where the patient recalled being attacked by a lion through a bite in the throat, all the episodes disappeared. Mysterious pains in the chest also disappear after recalling fatal stab wounds that occurred in previous lives.

Reincarnation theory also states that before a person is born, the soul actually chooses the exact conditions to learn additional lessons, including the parents, future spouse, religion, and geographical location. It is also believed that a person is prepared for a future life through the “programming” of certain smells, voices, or body language into the subconscious. An interesting case was reported in Brian Weiss’s book, Messages From the Masters. In one case, he cites that a graduate student had a dream when his wife was four months pregnant. They did not know the sex of the child. As stated in the book, the graduate student said that “One night, his unborn daughter came to him in a vivid dream, announcing her name, describing her immediate past life, and explaining why she was choosing to be born to this young couple, her karmic purpose and plans.” He awoke with the riveting dream sharply etched in his mind. He turned toward his wife. “I just had the most amazing dream,” he began, at which point she cut him off. “Me too!” she explained. “ I dreamt our daughter came to me…” Both people cited the same name, same past, same plans, and same details. Basically, it was the same dream. Five months later, a beautiful bay girl was born to them.

The pre-selection of our significant relationships, desired lessons, external catalysts and critical milestones is an extremely important concept. Under hypnosis, many people have described (in detail) the process of creating a “chart” for a particular life when they are asked to recall the preparation that precedes birth. They immediately know the theme for each life (according to Sylvia Browne, there are 44 distinct life themes) and the primary lessons that they were trying to learn in that life.

It’s interesting that we spend so much time on this planet being angry at fate or God when we encounter a disaster in life. Some people even turn away from religion after a personal catastrophe. Anger directed at God or the universe is futile and unfair because we alone are responsible for the disasters we experience. We are the ones who chose to face the consequences of a particular tragedy because in an enlightened state, we were eagerly willing to bear the suffering in exchange for the resulting psychological growth (and in the spiritual bliss of the “other side,” we are confident that we will be able to survive the pain that accompanies adversity). Since, we are the ones who choose to endure certain traumatic episodes in life, why do we get mad at God when something bad happens? He is there to support us and give us strength to survive the scenarios that we pre-selected.

Our fate is not some external punishment inflicted upon us by an unsympathetic universe. God and our guides have infinite compassion for our chosen suffering. Single people may spend night after night being upset at the universe because they are not involved in a successful relationship. Yet, the universe would love to save us from our misery. They are merely being respectful of our previous decision to bear the suffering so that we could learn from it. If they saved us from the agony, then we would not be given the opportunity we need to change. And if we are temporarily rescued, we may be angrier when we return to The Other Side because “someone”` took away the catalyst that we selected for growth. It is extremely important to understand that we chose a particular catalyst and the universe does not have the right to take it away (because free will is sacrosanct). As a comparison, a child may decide that he wants to learn how to ride a bike. The parent could save the child from pain by refusing to let the child fall off his bike. However, if the parent does not allow the child to fall, he will never learn how to ride the bike by himself. In this case, the child made a decision to learn something new. If the parent does not allow the child to suffer during the process, the lesson cannot be learned.

If individuals want to get upset about the hardships that are encountered, they should be directing that anger towards themselves instead of the universe. More accurately, however, they just need to understand that they chose to be subjected to the negativity of a tragedy for a reason -- and that reason is much more important than the temporary suffering that must be endured.

When charting a life, some people may choose to die early to accomplish a certain objective. After they die, their family and friends spend significant energy by being angry with God instead of understanding that the person who died chose to leave the earth at that particular time. Some may say that we need to forgive the person who chose to die, but instead we just need to understand that we cannot know the whole story or the reasons why a person chooses to leave the planet at a particular time. Most religions do not adequately explain the life-charting process. Therefore, we are not given the background we need to understand life’s tragedies.

If reincarnation theory is correct, each person has an ultimate purpose in life and the goal of a lifetime is to learn certain lessons or to balance the karma between individuals or groups of individuals. The list of possible lessons that could be learned by a soul may be infinite, which means that it is impossible to learn all lessons in one lifetime. Instead, we may have a subset of lessons that we trying to learn during each life. Some people theorize that life is similar to school. Some people are in “elementary school” and some people are in “graduate school,” and the people in “graduate school” may be older souls. The theory is that easier lessons were learned during previous lives and that each time a person reincarnates, the lessons become more difficult. At one point, everyone has been in elementary school and at some point; everyone will reach graduate school. Reincarnation doesn’t mean that the person “flunked,” it only means that the person chose to come back to school for another degree. The people in graduate school probably encounter the most difficulty in life in the same way that the material studied in graduate school is much more difficult than the lessons learned in 4^th grade. A person cannot learn everything they need for a PhD in one year in the same way that a person cannot learn all of life’s lessons during one lifetime.

According to this “education theory,” death is like graduation. When the necessary lessons are learned, it is time to move on. Graduation is called commencement because it represents the beginning of a new experience instead of the end of the learning process. It is possible that only certain lessons can be learned under the conditions of a particular lifetime and after those lessons are learned, the person comes back to learn different lessons under different conditions. This theory is different from the Hindu caste system. The Hindu religion believes that someone is born to a lower caste because of mistakes from a previous life. The theory of “graduate school” is actually the reverse. It states that someone might be born to lower economic circumstances to learn harder lessons.

The education theory implies that we all have a critical path in life that combines free will and fate. Each individual chooses a path through free will but fate ensures that some critical points are reached on this path. Some people could have many critical points, while others may have only a few. For instance, meeting a spouse may be one of the critical points. It is possible that the intended spouse can help someone learn the necessary lessons or that karma needs to be resolved through the marriage.

The way we meet this particular person is determined by free will but if meeting this person is a pre-selected critical point, our free will always leads us to the same critical point. Some actions allow us to meet this person quickly, while other actions make the event happen slower. Yet, in either case, the point is reached.

For example, suppose Lisa must meet Tom because Tom can help her learn the lesson of compassion. The way that Lisa meets Tom is determined by free will, but the eventual act of meeting Tom is a critical point and determined by fate.

The diagram below shows three paths (determined by free will) that all lead to “Critical Point A,” where Lisa meets Tom. Suppose Lisa lives in Boston. In the first case, Lisa gets a job at IBM and meets Tom who also works at IBM’s Boston office. In the second case, Lisa moves to California, gets a job at IBM in California and meets Tom at a sales convention when people from all different offices at IBM get together to discuss company goals. In the third case, Lisa gets a job at an ad agency in Boston. She then decides to move to New York. She first gets a job at a marketing company and then decides to work at an ad agency in New York. The New York ad agency gets IBM as their account and Lisa meets Tom at a creative advertising meeting after the agency won the account.

Although all three cases involve free will, they all end up at the critical point of meeting Tom. Each case varies according to the number of free will decision points. In the first case, only one decision was needed to reach Critical Point A. In the second case two major decisions were made and in the third case, it took five major decisions before the critical point was reached. For some people, reaching a critical point could take hundreds or even thousands of different free will decision points.

After Lisa meets and marries Tom, she reaches Critical Point B, which is learning compassion. This is a simplified diagram of the balance between fate and free will, but it illustrates that no matter what we choose, there are certain events that will happen, regardless of free will. Death is also probably a critical point. There are some people who believe that by exercising and eating right, they can live to an old age. However, if the death critical point happens when all necessary lessons are learned, eating right and exercising will have nothing to do with determining the date of reaching that critical point. An “accident” could occur to ensure that the critical point is reached at the right time.

Each person’s critical points may be tied to other people’s critical points. In the previous example, Tom also had a critical point of meeting Lisa. He also could have used free will to change the situation, which would automatically affect the critical path for Lisa. Drastic events that involve other people lives may be needed to reach critical points. For example, suppose a person's critical point is to learn courage and strength. In order to learn this lesson, the person may have to encounter many tragedies, including the death of a loved one, before the soul learns how to be strong.

In the interviews with Bill Moyers, Joseph Campbell talks about Schopenhauer’s essay On an Apparent Intention in the Fate of the Individual, and says that Schopenhauer “points out that you reach an advanced age and look back over your lifetime, it can seem to have had a consistent order and plan, as though composed by some novelist. Events that when they occurred had seemed accidental and of little moment turn out to have been indispensable factors in the composition of a consistent plot. So who composed that plot? Schopenhauer suggests that just as your dreams are composed by an aspect of yourself of which your consciousness is unaware, so, too, your whole life is composed by the will within you. And just as people whom you will have met apparently by mere chance become leading agents in the structuring of your life, so, too, will you have served unknowingly as an agent, giving meaning to the lives of others. The whole thing gears together like some sort of symphony, with everything unconsciously structuring everything else. And Schopenhauer concludes that it is as though our lives were the features of the one great dream of a single dreamer in which all the dream characters dream, too; so that everything links to everything else, moved by the one will to life which is the universal will in nature… Everything arises in mutual relation to everything else, so you can’t blame anybody for anything. It is even as though there were a single intention behind it all, which always makes some kind of sense, though none of us knows what the sense might be.”

In turn, an expansion of the critical path theory is that each person’s critical path is not only tied to another person’s critical path but is also related to the necessary outcome of history. Quantum theory states that every future event has a certain probability of occurring. As free will changes, the future probabilities change. Each person’s critical path can be “managed” so that the necessary future probabilities keep increasing until the desired result is reached. The planning diagram is changing every second, based on every person’s free will. Each time a decision is made, a new path is created and all paths combined must end up at the desired result.

The sophistication of this planning effort is too complicated for any modern computer. It would mean that there are an infinite number of potential future time lines. They would all have to be known in the present and the “job” of the planning committee is to make sure that each person’s free will leads to critical points that interact with other people’s critical points to ensure that the “right” future time line is reached. If we assume that critical paths are "managed" then we cannot be judgmental about life's atrocities. For example, suppose that one of the future time lines is the destruction of earth, which could be the interactions of millions of people's future time lines. Then suppose that another time line is that Hitler rises to power, World War II happens, but the world is not destroyed. We may have been influenced to land on the World War II time line, so that ultimate destruction is avoided.

Based on this “planning model,” it seems that some sort of intervention may be needed to ensure a desired end result. For example, if a speeding car is going to be running a red light at Main Street and 4^th Street at 4:04 pm and another car is headed for that intersection at 4:04 pm, the second person could get killed by the speeding car. If death were to be avoided, a distraction would have to happen so that the second car did not reach the intersection at 4:04. Possibly, there could be an old lady crossing the street that causes the second car to slam on the brakes. The unexpected street crossing ensures that both passengers are saved. The second car reaches the intersection at 4:06 pm; exactly two minutes after the fatal car crash would have happened. Some people theorize that the old lady crossing the street may not even exist. Only the illusion of a woman crossing the street would be needed to save the lives of the drivers.

There is also the noted story about a man who reached an intersection at the exact time that another car was running a red light. He was rushed to the hospital and there was only one doctor who could have saved this man’s life. The doctor had left the hospital to go home and the fastest the doctor could return to the hospital was 45 minutes, which would have been too late to save the man’s life. Miraculously, at the moment they were making the call, the doctor walked back into the hospital because he had forgotten a gift for his wife. He arrived in time to save the man’s life. These are the miracles that we know about. However, the same miracle exists if the man had gotten to the intersection two minutes later because he couldn’t find his keys before he left the house. The second type of miracle happens everyday but we are just unaware that our lives have been saved. How do we know that we don’t get cancer once a month and miraculously it disappears before any symptoms appear?

The theory of “guides” has been authenticated in a number of books, based on real life experiences. For example, one night a woman was walking home by herself, and she saw a suspicious looking man standing in a dark alley. The man frightened her, so she increased her pace and got home as quickly as she could. When she read the paper the next day, she discovered that a different girl had been raped and killed at the same location four minutes after she passed the suspicious looking man. She went to the police and correctly identified the killer. During the criminal’s questioning, the police asked why he chose to attack the second girl instead of the first. The killer stated, “I would never have touched the first girl. Two huge men were with her. I never would have had a chance.” The police related the story back to the witness. “That’s impossible,” she said incredulously. “I was alone! There wasn’t anyone else in sight.” Another documented story was about a pilot who was flying in a small plane. Unexpectedly, he encountered a dense fog that dropped his visibility to zero. The pilot contacted the nearest control tower for an emergency landing. The air traffic controllers responded, “You should not try to land at this airport. The runway is completely surrounded by mountains. Even with perfect visibility, a landing is difficult.” The pilot felt that he had no other choice because he was running low on fuel and didn’t think he would make it to another airport. As the pilot tried to explain, he lost contact with the tower. A few minutes later, the radio started working again and he was carefully guided through the mountains for a safe landing. When the pilot touched ground, he expressed his extreme gratitude to the control tower for helping him through the fog. The air traffic controllers were shocked. “We never guided you down for a landing. We had recommended against it. We lost contact with you in the air and assumed that you had flown to another airport. We had no contact with you until you landed on the runway.” These are only two of the documented stories; there are thousands of other similar experiences.

Many unknowns are involved in the theory of critical paths. The theory combines free will, fate, reincarnation, spiritual guides and an ultimate plan for the universe and every single person on earth. Even if all elements are accepted, the education theory for spiritual evolution revolves around a central issue, “why would it be necessary for the soul to evolve?” It is possible that spiritual evolution is similar to physical evolution. With each genetic or spiritual change, the human being can adapt more effectively to its environment. The critical path theory just suggests that our ultimate goal is spiritual, rather than physical. Physical changes are necessary so that earth can be used as an effective school, or to ensure the survival of the species on this particular planet; but what is the purpose of spiritual evolution?

Many people believe we were created in the image of a superior being, but due to imperfections, we can never be the same as our creator. What if the goal of spiritual evolution is to become more similar to our creator so that we can effectively adapt to the spiritual environment? What if a part of us is always spiritual and we use the human experience to help develop the spiritual entity? Is it possible that throughout history, certain people reincarnate only to set an example of the goals that we are trying to reach? At different points in time, Moses, Jesus, the Buddha or Mohammad may have been the example. Today, it could be the Dalai Lama. All of these people exhibit characteristics that can be admired and followed.

What if the goal of spiritual evolution is exactly like academia? Is it possible that after we learn the required material, we can become teachers instead of students? Or maybe some of us will become creators on our own. To become a creator, a person would need to learn some extremely hard lessons. The potential creator would need to be able to love all children equally. Judgment could never be a part of the equation. Some people believe the ultimate purpose of the “earth school” is to learn unconditional love because the conditions on earth make unconditional love one of the hardest lessons to learn. In this lifetime, we will never know. The purpose of each person’s life can only be discovered through introspection.

Spiritual evolution can be a lonely process. This principle is best explained in the book The Road Less Traveled. According to Peck, “Someone who is approaching the peak of spiritual evolution is like someone at the peak of political power. There is no one above to whom to pass the buck; no one to blame; no one to tell you how to do it. There may not even be anyone on the same level to share the agony or the responsibility. Others may advise, but the decision is yours alone. You alone are responsible. In another dimension, the aloneness of enormous spiritual power is even greater than that of political power. Since their level of awareness is seldom as high as their exalted positions, the politically powerful almost always have their spiritual equals with whom they communicate. So presidents and kings will have their friends and cronies. But the person who has evolved to the highest level of awareness, of spiritual power, will likely have no one in his or her circle of acquaintances with whom to share such depth of understanding. One of the most poignant themes of the Gospels is Christ’s continual sense of frustration on finding that there was no one who could really understand him. No matter how hard he tried, how much he extended himself, he could not lift the minds of even his own disciples to his level. The wisest followed him but could not catch up with him, and all his love could not relieve him of the necessity to lead by walking ahead, utterly alone. This kind of aloneness is ‘shared’ by all who travel the farthest on the journey of spiritual growth. It is such a burden that it simply could not be borne were it not for the fact that as we outdistance our fellow humans our relationship to God inevitably becomes correspondingly closer. In the communion of growing consciousness, of knowing with God, there is enough joy to sustain us.”

I have always believed that I was in some sort of spiritual “school” but I thought that someone forgot to give me the curriculum. Where was the required reading list? Why doesn’t someone tell me when there is a pop quiz? One day, I just developed the curriculum on my own. There were enough clues about the lessons I needed to learn, I just needed to pay attention to them. I also realized that human role models are not always famous. The best teacher could be the person living next door. If we recognize that life is similar to education, we have to develop an internal commitment to keep studying because life’s lessons require an incredible amount of discipline and hard work. Most people just don’t want to work that hard so they find alternatives to learning. For example, they can go to class without doing their homework, they can skip class altogether, or they can go to class without hearing a word that the teacher has said.

Books on reincarnation agree that we develop our own syllabus for learning life’s lessons. As explained earlier, God doesn’t make bad things happen; we choose these things for the purpose of spiritual growth and God is there to help us endure the difficult circumstances that we have chosen to face. I have often believed that I was confused by the heavenly environment that surrounds us when we plan our lives. I think that I forgot the difficulty of The Earth School; and due to an over-ambitious desire to learn tough lessons I went too far. My unrealistic optimism may have caused me to set up conditions that were really too hard to handle. I was relieved when I read that I was not alone in this supposition. In the book, Life on the Other Side, Sylvia Browne says, “I’ve often said it shocks me that The Other Side is drug- and alcohol- free, because that means I was actually sober when I wrote my chart for this lifetime. For better or worse, though, we often feel so invincible in The Other Side’s atmosphere of bliss that we choose some incredibly massive obstacles for ourselves to confront on Earth.”

On many occasions, I have asked for an easier syllabus. Can’t I modify the curriculum? If I created this program of study, why can’t I change it? Earth School is different from regular school because we are both the teacher and the student. Yet, our role as teacher was in an environment where we had more comprehensive information and we do not have access to that same knowledge while we are a student on earth. Therefore, we cannot be good teachers while we are playing the role of a student. We just need to trust ourselves. Based on the information that we had on The Other Side, we decided that this particular curriculum was best. If the curriculum’s objectives were really too difficult, a guide would have convinced us to lighten the load during the planning sessions. Only under dire circumstances do guides change the curriculum after the school term has started (such as an immanent desire to commit suicide). In all other cases, they defer to our judgment by respecting our previous choices. We just need to realize that in our current state of awareness, we don’t know what we are capable of handling. Sometimes, we need to bite the bullet and have faith that the teacher knows best.

However, I am not saying that we do not have the power to change our destiny. Our thoughts directly control reality and there is no curriculum that we can’t modify along the way. Every day we have an infinite number of choices – and it is our freedom of thought (or perceived lack of freedom) that shapes our future. The real truth is that there are no situations that we can't change; no ruts that we can't break, and no career paths that we can't alter. The correct metaphor is that we decided on the “grade” we would enter when we came to Earth, but the actual classes could always be changed during the journey. The process of “selecting the critical points” is metaphorically similar to determining the conditions that are necessary to pass the first year of a BA program in psychology (for example). When we were in college, we may have been told that a BA in Psychology requires the completion of one English class and this requirement could be fulfilled by taking Literature of the 18^th century or Romantic Novellas. Correspondingly, we may have chosen a critical point to ensure that we satisfy the English requirement, but our free will determines which class we will take.

In life, lessons are learned through introspection, observation, listening or reading and our teacher is the inner voice that speaks to us in silence. Over time, it can be relatively easy to use the harsh sounds of the city to block the whispers of the sage. Or as Michael Berg says in The Way, “We must make a determined effort to hear the truth over the noise and negativity that pervade our world. Our task is to attune ourselves to the frequency of true wisdom and to train ourselves to hear it through the static that distracts so much of the world.” Learning life’s lessons requires strenuous travel down paths that have few road signs to lead the way. The fear of getting lost can be debilitating, and what would we do if we couldn’t find our way back home?

Finding home is discovering the essence of our heart and soul. No matter where we are, we can always find our way back. We may travel down some dead end roads and we may have to retrace our steps, but along the way, we will always find beauty. We may have to travel through dangerous terrain and we may injure ourselves temporarily as a result; but eventually, we always come home. The door opens, our loved ones welcome us back, and we embrace the familiarity of our nurturing environment.

Our most important critical point is death, but we need to understand that it is not the end of our existence. Instead, it is the beginning of a timeless eternity filled with love, hope, understanding, acceptance, and compassion. At the moment of death, we leave our physical home to enter our spiritual home -- and we finally realize that our separation was only an illusion. We may lose our way along the path of life, but we never lose ourselves.

Crossing the Bar

By Alfred Lord Tennyson

Sunset and evening star

And one clear call for me!

And may there be no moaning of the bar

When I put out to sea.

But such a tide as moving seems asleep

Too full for sound and foam

When that which drew from out the boundless deep

Turns again home.

Twilight and evening bell

And after that the dark!

And may there be no sadness of farewell

When I embark.

For tho’ from out our borne of Time and Place

The flood may bear me far

I hope to see my Pilot face to face

When I have crost the bar.

I Exist, Therfore I Am

2009-10-03T14:12:00.002-07:00

Every action, thought, problem, relationship, and feeling is affected by our concept of “self.” Many talk about ego, but do we really know what it is? Do we know how to rise above our own egos? Do we know how to “detach” or why it might be important to be able to separate from our concept of self? For some people, the concept of detachment is impossible and the need for separation seems ridiculous. How could we possibly be without an ego, even if only for a moment? Ego defines who we are. What would we be without ego or self? We wouldn’t even be human. What’s so bad about trying to satisfy the ego since it encompasses the essence of humanity? Can we even consider defining ourselves without the use of the word “I?”

Ego is the reason we care what other people think. It is the reason we care if we are successful. The ego cares about winning arguments, being right, being respected and the ego craves acceptance, admiration and love. The ego is confident, ambitious, and may crave money, power and control. The ego has pride and it protects its own image. The ego defends itself when it is being attacked. It is the ego that would rather be unemployed than to take a job that is a career demotion. The ego seeks agreement and it often compels us to be around people who mimic our beliefs and opinions. Frequently, the ego looks for projections of itself in other people rather than being strong enough to face diversity and disagreement.

The ego is also insecure and driven by fear. Fear is one of the primary reasons that the ego does what it does. Without the fear of failure, loss of security or being alone, our egos wouldn’t care so much about many of the problems in our lives. The corruption of ego and need to exaggerate the importance of the ego at the expense of others brought about the genocide of World War II. Protecting the ego is equivalent to protecting a person’s self-image. Egos lead people to believe that others who are different are inferior. Egos make people think that they need to put others down to feel better about themselves. An ego-dominated person is more likely to hate than love. Egos bring about self-hatred as well. If the importance of the ego could be subordinated, a person would never commit suicide.

The ego needs to rationalize mistakes or hide insecurities. The ego needs to justify actions and decisions to others. The ego needs approval. If we were stronger than our egos, we would be comfortable with our past failures and lapses in judgment without having to prove to others that our actions were warranted.

It is extremely difficult to subordinate the ego so that we do not feel the need to rationalize our behavior to others. If we do not defend ourselves, we feel that we are subtly implying that we agree with perceptions about us that we know are untrue. For example, a previous business associate spent two years looking for a job without success. She was extremely qualified and had managed her career successfully. Yet, the downturn in the economy had forced many companies to eliminate senior management positions and every job received about 600 resumes. If a candidate’s experience did not match the job requirements perfectly, the candidate would be rejected. This business associate explained, “While I was struggling to find a job, others would assume that there was something wrong with me. They implied that I was lazy or unwilling to compromise. They couldn’t understand what I was going through because they were employed, so they made snap judgments that were extremely inaccurate. I spent an inordinate amount of time rationalizing my predicament to my friends. Instead of feeling better by being around people who I thought cared about me, I felt that I had to constantly explain every decision and action. The entire experience was emotionally draining and incredibly unfair.” This business associate was protecting her ego when it was under attack. If she had said nothing, she would have been perpetuating false images about herself and she may have eventually believed that the criticisms were true (because sometimes, we are also trying to convince ourselves).

Subordinating the ego does not mean that we do not defend ourselves; it simply means that we do not let other people’s opinions make us believe something that we know is untrue. If we are strong and have inner peace and confidence, our egos are not “bruised” when other people’s criticisms conflict with our own perceptions of reality. Insults have no power over our emotions; we may disagree with the criticisms but we do not get angry with the person who said them. In other words, we still protect our self-image, but we do not become emotionally involved with the outcome. If others choose not to believe our view of reality, we simply don’t care.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, the ego is what defines us; it is the part of us that experiences the external world through the senses; the ego organizes the thought processes rationally, and governs our actions. The ego is driven by our instinctual desires and adapts according to the conscience, or feels guilt and remorse according to preconceived standards for morality. Spiritually, we are conceived as energy but it is the ego upon which experience is superimposed, and upon which our actions and mental states are recognized. A person without an ego just isn’t a person. Ego is the “I” that we use to define our personal reality.

We often hear statements such as “your ego is getting in the way,” or “it is his ego that is causing all his problems,” or “he has a big ego.” These statements can seem absurd. How could the ego not get in the way? How can someone accuse the ego for problems? What does it mean to have a big ego?

Ego is merely our sense of self. When we are focused on ourselves, we are not focused on others or the environment that exists outside of ourselves. We can exaggerate the importance of our ego by refusing to pay attention to the forces that may be more important than our concept of self. For example, compassion surfaces only when our ego boundaries are dissolved.

Yet, we need to be realistic. Our concept of self is how we measure our experiences and feelings. We are human beings and even if our true reality is spiritual, it is difficult to detach ourselves from our perceived reality – but not impossible.

Ego attachment creates desire; we desire anything that pleases the ego. Detachment frees us from desires that can imprison us; detachment is a release from negative outcomes or feelings that might not please the ego. Yet, how would we accomplish detachment even if we wanted to? How do we extinguish our concept of self? Innately, the ego or “self-identity” believes that it is discrete and unique. Correspondingly, the ego assumes that it needs its individuality to survive.

Perhaps this conundrum is not about relinquishing self but by putting our egos in their proper perspective. Reality may be what we perceive happens to us or our egos, but if there were a way of seeing ourselves as part of a greater whole or as an entity that is not separate from the energy of the universe, then the concept of self is just part of something more powerful. The self would not exist alone and thus, would not desire things that pleased the ego in its isolation.

Instead of thinking about “I,” we may think about “us.” Then the desires are not just for the ego, but for our relationships with others as well. We may want to win an argument to please the ego, but we do not want to cause discomfort for the other parties involved in the discussion. We think about everyone’s egos instead of just our own. The ego might want to be right but this is accompanied with an understanding that other people’s egos also want to be right. The only way that we can consider the feelings of others is by detaching ourselves from our personal desires and by understanding the needs and goals of other people’s desires.

It is easier to attach to the desires of our egos than it is to detach. We know what we want and what makes us feel good, but it is harder to know what other people want. In order to detach, we must be able to develop empathy. We need to be able to place ourselves in other people’s shoes instantaneously. When we disagree with someone or make a judgment about someone, we need to immediately feel what the other person is feeling. We have to be able to see both sides at once. The only way to do this is by being able to separate ourselves from our personal egos at a moment’s notice, which requires the ability to detach from the concept of a discrete and individualized “self.” Our needs must be defined in relation to other people’s needs. If we care about the relationships we have with others, then the needs of the relationship take precedence over individual needs.

Detachment is a form of surrender because the ego is no longer devoted to achieving a specified result. Surrender allows us to flow with the forces of the universe rather than deciding that a predetermined outcome must be accomplished in a certain way. If we can detach our egos, we can let go of our control over the outcome.

Why would we want to accomplish this? We know the old saying that if we don’t take care of ourselves, no one else will. If we are constantly looking out for the interests of others, don’t our own interests get lost? The key is that our interests do not exist independently; they exist only in relation to others. We cannot desire love without having others involved. We cannot be successful without others’ cooperation. As part of society, we just do not exist alone. Our happiness can be determined by us but it is affected by everyone who comes into contact with us. Unhappy people usually blame others or external events. Sadness is usually based on a focus on what we do not have. If our negative attributes exist in relation to others or external factors, then our positive ones do as well. If we focus on the “we,” then our interests are automatically included.

In The Way, Michael Berg tells the story of two men who are in a fishing boat. One of the men starts drilling a hole in the bottom of the boat and the other man starts screaming at him to stop. The first man tells his friend not to worry because the hole is only under his seat. Michael Berg says, “each of us is intimately involved with the fortunes of all of us…our positive deeds allow others to act in ways that would not have been possible had we not acted. And likewise, when we move toward the negative side of selfishness and self-interest, the world tilts toward negativity…Our positive and negative actions, no matter how small, influence the spiritual state of the world.”

Detachment allows us to be free from the unilateral demands of “self.” It allows us to see “self” in relation to others. Instead of thinking, “I have to win this argument and be right,” the thought changes to “we need to come to a resolution that makes both people better off.” Detachment requires that we love others as we love ourselves.

Melinda Ribner (author of New Age Judaism, Ancient Wisdom for the Modern World) says, “Love asks us to transcend our ego and sense of separateness and self-importance, to become giving and expanded rather than selfish and limited. Kabbalah teaches that the main challenge we have in life is to transform the desire to receive for ourselves into the desire to share with others. This challenge confronts us daily in all our interactions with others. Am I going to open my heart and let the natural flow of love come through me or will I block it with self-absorbed concerns or fears? How do we become more giving and less selfish? First we recognize that we are all interconnected…when we give to another person, we are in essence giving to ourselves. This is a most important concept. When we give, we are expanding our sense of self…By giving to others, we essentially give to ourselves…when we give to someone they become a part of us. We have a stake in their well-being. The more we give, the greater we become. Our lives are greater than our own. Our lives include many others as well. We have to realize that by giving we do not become less but more. On a physical level, it would appear that when we give, we have less. Sometimes we are afraid that we will be diminished by giving. We are afraid that we will be taken advantage of, exploited or controlled…However, on the spiritual level, we actual increase what we have and become greater.”

Even when a person is alone, there is still a “we.” If we believe that we are part of universal energy (or God), then we can always be connected to a more powerful energy force. The concept of self merges into the power of the universe. Even though we were created in God’s image, God does not have an ego.

Instead of asking, “what does God want from me?” we should ask what God wants from humanity as a whole. If God is a “parent” who has billions of children, wouldn’t He want everyone to care about others the same as they care about themselves? Wouldn’t He want us to feel that every other person in this world was part of our family? In a family, the siblings care about each other primarily because they are related. One sister might not like the other sister, but she might say, “I will still help her because she is family.” What if we viewed every person on this planet as family? Could we see the ego as a part of a greater whole?

Melinda Ribner, further says, “If we truly want to come close to God we must let go of our egos and physical attachments and trust our inner voices even when they don’t make sense…truly great people can easily surrender their egos to God…Just as a seed has to rot before it becomes a plant, so similarly, we have to suspend limiting ideas of self in order to allow something greater to come through us… It is only through self-nullification, through surrender, that a person may experience the oneness of God.”

It is easier to attach to the ego because it is all we know in this reality. When we look in the mirror, we see our physical selves. We do not see the transcendent spirit that can connect with everything else (or take any form). Since this energy is based on faith, we may tend to discount its ability to become one with all other energy. Detachment from the ego is liberating. We become less invested in particular outcomes. Problems don’t seem so serious and joy is easier to obtain. Separating oneself from self is powerful. The needs of the ego don’t predominate one’s feelings or actions at the expense of the needs of every other person on this planet. The needs of humanity, society, and our relationships with others take precedence over individual needs.

Maybe the quote “I exist, therefore I am” should be changed to the phrase, “We exist, therefore we are.” If we see our existence in terms of our relations to others, then everyone is better off. Instead of having one person caring about his or her individual needs, there could be two or more people caring about each other’s needs. There is power in numbers. The word “we” is always stronger than “I.”

The Punishment of Anger

2009-10-03T13:26:00.001-07:00

Many people believe that anger is a natural human response and in many ways, uncontrollable. If someone upsets or disappoints us, we feel justified to express anger. However, most people don’t realize that anger is essentially destructive and futile. Although we may feel that anger “punishes” the agitator, the expression of hostility causes severe damage the person who expresses it. When there is anger, we always need to remember that our own frustration, intolerance, impatience, pain and distress are hiding right below the surface. Anger is usually a reflection of internal suffering. Perhaps we need to face the pain, instead of expressing the anger.

When we feel the “need” to express anger, it is simply a decision. There are many ways to deal with inequities in life and only one of these options is anger. We always have a choice to confront a person without the emotion of anger, even though this decision takes a great deal of patience and restraint. What is the purpose of anger? Does it make us feel better or worse? By expressing anger, are we helping to improve or deteriorate the situation that precipitated the emotion? Or are we trying to hide or mitigate the pain that underlies its expression?

Anger does not ensure that another person will take responsibility for the actions that provoked the emotion. In fact, the opposite is usually true. Once anger is expressed, an automatic reaction of defensiveness appears. The person on the receiving end feels the need to justify the inequity even if he or she is certain that a wrong has been committed. Anger is like a tornado that slowly builds into a very destructive force. Words are said that cannot be taken back and the negative emotions are extremely harmful to any person who is affected by the anger (including the people who witness the anger).

As human beings, we have the power to avoid responding with anger. Particular actions or words may naturally precipitate the emotion of anger, but we can rise above our impulses. We can confront people calmly and merely ask that they take responsibility for the actions that caused us pain. We can also ask for an apology. Isn’t that all we really want in the first place? It’s hard to believe that the purpose of anger is merely to punish. Why do we need to punish someone we love for making a mistake? Do we believe that this punishment is “deserved?” Aren’t we seeking compassion for the pain that has been caused instead of punishment?

Outside of the legal system, punishment seems to be a juvenile motivation when an adult makes a mistake that is not illegal. The only justified need for punishment is a parent or guardian who is trying to teach a child a lesson. Yet, even lessons can be taught without the emotion of anger. When dealing with equals, our punishment is futile. The only person who can inflict effective punishment is the person who commits the inequity. The only appropriate response to the injustice is remorse. We can express anger but if the person refuses to take responsibility, the anger serves no purpose.

Psychologists often say that it is better to feel anger than to suffer through pain. Pain is internal self-punishment; while anger is external and helps us release the emotion to the surface where it can be handled appropriately. In my opinion, anger is also self-punishment. By expressing anger, we hurt ourselves in a different way. We feel bitterness and hatred that can actually extend itself beyond the object of the anger. We also may take this anger out on people who do not deserve to be affected by it. There are many cases of individuals feeling anger about an external situation and in turn, express that same anger toward the people they love. The people closest to us do not deserve the anger of an unrelated event.

We hurt ourselves because anger has direct physical reactions that may not be apparent immediately. Our blood pressure rises, our heart beats faster, and we may be causing physical problems that can appear at a later time. Many doctors have reported that stress is one of the major causes of disease. Anger works in the same way. Anger is simply an overt expression of negative stress.

As the Dalai Lama further states in his book An Open Heart, “It is natural for us to experience emotions such as anger and desire… I am aware that in Western psychology, expressing feelings and emotions, even anger, is often encouraged. Certainly many people have endured traumatic experiences in their past, and if these emotions are suppressed, they may indeed cause lasting psychological harm… Having said this, I do feel that it is important to adopt a stance against strong emotions such as anger, attachment, and jealousy and devote ourselves to developing restraint. Instead of allowing ourselves to indulge in occurrences of strong emotions, we should work at decreasing our propensity toward them. If we ask ourselves whether we are happier when angry or when calm, the answer is evident… The troubled mental state that results from afflictive emotions immediately disturbs our inner equilibrium, causing us to feel unsettled and unhappy. In our quest for happiness, our main aim should be to combat these emotions… Mental afflictions do not disappear on their own accord; they don’t simply vanish over time. They come to an end only as the result of conscious effort to undermine them, diminish their force, and ultimately eliminate them altogether.”

In Ethics for the New Millennium, the Dalai Lama states, “To say that we need to curb anger and our negative thoughts and emotions does not mean that we should deny our feelings. There is an important distinction to be made between denial and restraint. The latter constitutes a deliberate and voluntarily adopted discipline based on an appreciation of the benefits of doing so. This is very different from the case of someone who suppresses emotions such as anger out of a feeling that need to present a façade of self-control, or out of fear what others may think. Such behavior is like closing a wound that is still infected.” He further states, “When we become angry, we stop being compassionate, loving, generous, forgiving, tolerant, and patient altogether. We thus deprive ourselves of the very things that happiness consists in. And not only does anger immediately destroy our critical faculties, it tends toward rage, spite, hatred, and malice – each of which is always negative because it is a direct cause of harm for others.”

We all have the power to control our reactions to certain situations. For example, suppose a husband walks into his bedroom and find his wife in the arms of another lover. Clearly, the first immediate reaction is anger and pain. Yet, if this person has incredible self-control, he needs to do nothing except make the couple aware of his presence. The two people who have committed the infidelity will naturally feel guilt, embarrassment and pain. If the wife loves the husband, she will probably beg for remorse. The husband does not need to react at all because the guilty parties will take responsibility. It is idealistic to assume that the husband will not feel pain but the pain can be healed over time. The anger expressed at the moment can never be taken back. In fact, the husband has a number of decisions in response to this scenario: 1) he can confront his wife calmly and hold her responsible for her actions, 2) he can explode with irrational anger, bitterness and hatred; 3) he can walk out of the room and deal with the situation at a later time; 4) he can provide her with the opportunity to feel remorse and ask forgiveness; 5) he can eventually forgive her; 6) he can repress what he saw and do nothing; or 7) he can choose to divorce her. Anger is only one of many responses to this painful situation.

The need to further “punish” the wife for her infidelity falls into the category of revenge, which is not an appropriate response (because revenge creates a separate negative action). If the husband is unable to forgive his wife’s indiscretion, he should divorce her without inflicting additional damage through revenge. Revenge not only punishes the wife unfairly but also hurts the husband by creating hatred, bitterness and aggression.

The Dalai Lama further states, ”An important practice is distancing ourselves from strong emotions before they arise in us… When we feel anger or hatred we think that that the anger is bringing more energy, more decisiveness, swifter reactions… However, there are many unfortunate repercussions… If someone treats us unjustly, we must analyze if we can bear the injustice. If the negative consequences are not too great, I think it is best to accept it… I think that anger and hatred actually cause more harm to us than to the person responsible for our problem. Imagine that your neighbor hates you and is always causing problems for you. If you lose your temper and develop hatred toward him, your digestion is harmed, your sound sleep goes, and you have to start to use tranquilizers and sleeping pills. You then have to increase the dosages of these, which harms your body. Your mood is affected; as a result, your old friends hesitate to visit you. You gradually get more white hair and wrinkles and you may eventually develop more serious health problems. Then your neighbor is really happy. Without having inflicted any physical harm, he has fulfilled his wish! If in spite of his injustices, you remain calm, happy, and peaceful, your health remains strong, you continue to be joyful, and more friends come visit you. Your life becomes more successful. This really brings about worry in your neighbor’s mind. I think that this is the wise way to inflict harm upon your neighbor… There is a certain irrationality in responding to injustice or harm with hostility. Our hatred has no physical effect on our enemies; it does not harm them. Rather, it is we who suffer the ill consequences of such overwhelming bitterness. It eats us from within… It affects us profoundly, while our enemies continue along, blissfully unaware of the state we have been reduced to.”

A situation that provokes the natural response of anger is only a test. Do we have the patience and restraint to avoid the natural tendency toward anger and hatred? Or can we rise above the situation and remain calm? According to the Dalai Lama, “When we are faced with an enemy, a person or group of people wishing us harm, we can view this as an opportunity to develop patience and tolerance. We need these qualities; they are useful to us. And the only occasion we have to develop them is when we are challenged by an enemy. So, from this point of view, our enemy is our guru, our teacher. Irrespective of their motivation, from our point of view enemies are very beneficial, a blessing.”

Anger is a form of temporary insanity. We may find that if we can restrain our initial impulse to respond, the anger naturally subsides with time. As a friend explained, “Some comments or actions have caused me to feel intense anger and I usually feel the need to respond to the injustice immediately. Sometimes my desire for confrontation is overpowering. If I can’t reach the person to express my feelings, I have resorted to writing an email so that I can get the issue ‘off of my chest’ immediately. Undoubtedly, my response is harsher than if I had waited a few hours or days to respond. In some cases, friendships have been severed as a result of my reaction. On the other hand, when I have allowed time to pass, I find that the anger naturally becomes less severe. In some cases, I wonder why I was so angry at the time. A comment that causes extreme pain can appear to be insignificant a few days later. I have learned that if I have the restraint to avoid a confrontation right away, my responses are much more humane.”

Other manifestations of anger include jealousy and impatience. Jealousy is expressed because we are afraid of losing someone or something that we believe rightfully belongs to us. How can this definition apply to a human being? We do not own people. Our partners do not belong to us. A relationship is the choice to be with a person we love. Jealousy often results without an action of physical intimacy toward another human being; instead, it is the feeling that the object of our love desires someone else. If our partner desires another human being, clearly an infraction has occurred and the relationship has been violated. We can respond by ending the relationship, forgiving the person, expressing envy, feeling pain or feeling jealous of the “object” of desire. Jealousy is only a symptom of a much larger problem. Anger will never cure jealousy because jealousy results from insecurity, low self-esteem, irrational mistrust or a belief that the relationship is in trouble. Anger only exacerbates the problems that already exist. The irony of jealousy is that it cannot exist with true love. Love is impossible without trust, while jealousy implies a lack of trust. Jealousy says more about the person who expresses it than any external situation that appears to precipitate it. Since jealous people feel that they must “own” their partners, inevitably jealousy in a relationship will ensure its failure. One person consistently feels anger at the slightest provocation and the partner feels resentment for the lack of trust. Jealousy in a relationship is anger that will ultimately lead to destruction.

Another form of anger is impatience. We have all at one time or another felt out of control by long lines, traffic jams or other people’s perceived incompetence. Anger never solves these problems because by definition, they are out of our control. Controlling anger means that we need to feel comfort with elements that we cannot affect. Switching lanes in a traffic jam does not make the problem go away. If there is no exit or alternative route, we will only hurt ourselves by feeling angry. Does the anger really make us feel better or worse? The anger also channels itself into guilt. Unfortunately, instead of feeling anger, we feel a range of negative emotions. We feel guilty for making someone wait; we feel irresponsible for being unable to make the appointment and we feel anger that an external event caused all of these unfortunate results. Life always presents unexpected surprises and some of these events are negative. Since we have all been faced with unfortunate external circumstances, most people will understand and forgive the event that precipitated the inconvenience. We need to take the natural anger we feel and release it. Anger is under our control. We can simply decide not to express it.

The most dangerous form of anger is anger towards ourselves. Why do we want to punish ourselves? Anger usually appears because we expect more from ourselves than we are capable of achieving. We schedule too many appointments; we have unrealistic goals; we set idealistic deadlines; or we just don’t feel like accomplishing tasks that would mitigate the anger toward ourselves. These circumstances are actually the easiest to control. We can change our expectations and we can “let ourselves off the hook.” We are only human and often we just need to adjust our view of reality. In essence, we do what we want to do. There is a limited amount of time in the day and every minute of the day, we set our priorities. Some priorities may conflict with preconceived commitments, but we have to realize that there is nothing wrong with changing our priorities. We need to live in the present, rather than the past or the future. Today’s present is tomorrow’s past and yesterday’s future. Without the present, the past and future do not even exist. Time is only an illusion. We will eventually accomplish what we need to accomplish and the timelines we set are merely arbitrary.

Anger results from so many factors that it is impossible to list them all here. Anger often arises from an inability to accept people who are different from ourselves or because we expect more from a person than he or she is able to give. We may also feel anger if our beliefs and behavior are rejected by others or if someone receives something that we believe we deserve. In essence, disagreement, differences or expectations provoke anger. All of these types of anger result from insecurity, impatience or an idealistic view of the world. If we were truly secure with ourselves, rejection or differences could never cause anger. We are all unique individuals. If we let these differences upset us, we will always feel anger instead of peace. Furthermore, if we were patient, we could adjust our expectations. Anger is merely a difference between our concept of “fairness” or “equality” and the reality of the world. Yet, the truth is that life just isn’t fair.

Anger is clearly a negative response, while patience and tolerance are positive attributes. Expressing positive emotions in response to a negative scenario is not a sign of weakness; it is an expression of incredible strength. Anger is easy; patience, restraint and tolerance are close to godliness.

If we love others, we should be able to give more power to our love than to our anger. When God is represented as angry and resentful, it is in violation with our concept of a loving God. Love is not anger. Love is not vengeful. As stated in the New Testament, “Love is always patient and kind, it is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense, and it is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure; whatever comes. “

If we have the power to overcome anger in the presence of pain, we have the strength to rise above our humanity. No other human being can “cause” us to feel anger; it is simply a personal decision that leads to more pain and suffering. Instead of feeling anger, we can feel compassion. Instead of negatively reacting without patience, tolerance or understanding, we can express restraint and forgiveness. If we love others as ourselves, we can suppress our “natural” tendency toward anger with an understanding that we are all human beings striving for perfection and ultimately, we can understand that everyone makes mistakes.

Anger is a “knee jerk” reaction when confronted with a problem, inconvenience or frustration. It is easier to say harsh words with a degrading tone of voice when our “buttons” are pushed. It is easier to yell at inconsiderate drivers than to show compassion for their obvious lack of respect. Any situation that “causes” anger is an opportunity. Each person who aggravates us is a potential teacher for us. We should just view each situation as a test of our patience and restraint.

Spiritual evolution is not supposed to be easy. If we let the situation pass without feeling anger, we may be surprised at the contentment that surfaces. There is a sense of satisfaction knowing that an external event cannot cause us to react internally. The rude driver continues his day without thinking twice about the anger that was expressed. Yet, the anger we feel can last for hours. One rude gesture can make us feel that our sense of justice has been violated. Instead of reacting to the loss of a few seconds on a highway, we feel anger about the larger injustices of the world. We need to put life back into perspective. We are all human beings rushing around trying to get from place to place -- and some people will not let others get in their way. These types of actions usually have nothing to do with us, so why do we react to them so negatively?

In Tamar Frankiel’s book, The Gift of Kabbalah, she states, “If all the therapies and healing movements of the last two centuries have accomplished anything, it is to demonstrate beyond doubt that some of the patterned physical and emotional responses we accumulate are counterproductive, self-contradictory, and damaging to health and relationships. This is not a big surprise: Jewish mysticism, along with many other spiritual traditions, recognized the danger of carrying negative emotions. Scholarly rabbis, Zen masters and Christian monks all agree that passions such as anger, lust, and depression are hindrances on the spiritual path.”

We not only have power in controlling our own emotions, but we also have the power to mitigate the anger of others by apologizing even when we know that an apology is unwarranted. For example, one evening, my mother made some lemon bars and I cut one of them while they were cooling. When she saw me eating the lemon bar, she became angry that I had not waited until all the lemon bars were cut evenly. Normally, I would have responded to her anger by becoming angry myself. The need to have equally cut lemon bars seemed to be a petty reason for an argument. However, I merely apologized for ruining all of the lemon bars (even though my father later cut the rest of the bars and they were all the exact same size). When this tactic for instigating an argument was unsuccessful, she accused me of ruining Thanksgiving dinner because now the lemon bars would not be evenly cut. Surely, this remark should have made me angry because it was an absurd proclamation. Yet, I knew I could simply refuse to respond with anger. I merely apologized for ruining Thanksgiving dinner by cutting a lemon bar before they were evenly cut. I knew these apologies were unwarranted but they served the purpose of ensuring that an argument could not take place. Mutual anger and arguments were avoided simply because I refused to “take the bait.”

Undoubtedly, we have the ultimate power over our emotions. In response to a chaotic world, we can choose not to react. We all have the strength to remain calm when the rest of the world is trying to drive us crazy. We don’t have to succumb to the chaos -- instead, we can transcend it. As cited in Proverbs 16:32, “He who is slow to anger is better than the strong man, and a master of his passions is better than a conqueror of a city.”

We do not need to automatically express our “normal” human reactions. If we can take a step back, breathe slowly, and find inner peace, we can respond to others with love and compassion -- instead of anger, impatience, bitterness and resentment. This internal strength increases our happiness, improves our health, strengthens our relationships, and ensures that others are not deeply hurt by words or gestures that can never be taken back.

When I am alone, am I lonely?

2009-10-03T13:16:00.000-07:00

I once asked a single friend who rarely dated if she was lonely. “When I look back on my life,” she replied, “I realize that I have spent most of my time alone. But when I think about the times when I was the loneliest, there was usually someone sitting next to me.” It is often easier to feel lonely in a noisy crowd than in an empty house filled with silence. Being alone is a physical condition, but being lonely is an emptiness that affects us emotionally, intellectually or spiritually.

Loneliness becomes more complex with age. In grammar school, loneliness is cured if someone agrees to come outside and play. In college, “playing with someone” is used as a distraction or temporary relief from thinking about the issues that separate us from everyone else. Later in life the escape strategies become more deceptive. People use alcohol, drugs, sex, work, religion, social activities, marriage, children, friendship, pets, music, television or exercise to escape the fear of being lonely. Any external device can be used to alter consciousness or to allow us to feel that we are connected to other people. Human beings were not created as self-sufficient organisms. Food, water and oxygen are required for survival. Perpetuating the species requires the union of egg and sperm. In colder climates, clothing is needed to protect the body from the devastating brutality of nature. Loneliness is a disease that can be fatal, but people who can find happiness and fulfillment alone can always create an environment that eliminates loneliness.

The avoidance of loneliness requires an internal or external connection through the heart, soul and mind to others, the universe, God or oneself. For some, the greatest loneliness is feeling separate from God (which may be an illusion instead of a reality). Many people take the “road most traveled” by thinking that they can avoid loneliness through conformity. Loneliness is a feeling that we are “different” or unconnected to other people. Conformity gives us the false reassurance that we are similar to everyone else. If we look similar to other people, and if our actions are “normal” and our thoughts are shared, then how could we be lonely? Conformity through religion is an effective cure for loneliness because similar people congregate at the same place at the same time to tell each other that their belief systems are shared by the group. Conformity of appearance avoids the fear of being judged negatively for being different. In the 60’s, everyone wore bell-bottoms. It was easier to conform to the rules of fashion than to be judged as being old-fashioned or outdated. In the 50’s, women were judged as being promiscuous if they dared to wear anything other than a one-piece bathing suit to the beach. Yet what is conformity? It is the illusionary reflection of ourselves in other people. If we continually see ourselves in others, then we falsely believe that we are not alone. And if we are not alone, then how could we be lonely?

I once asked a male friend why he was dating someone who he had nothing in common with and he replied, “I’m lonely. When I am with her I feel less alone.” Why do we believe that finding a mate solves the problem of loneliness? My friend’s relationship confused me because he should have felt lonelier in this relationship because none of his values were shared. Yet, for him, a physical connection overshadowed the need to connect intellectually or spiritually.

I once confessed to a group of people at my ski house that I wanted to share my life with someone similar to myself. I was immediately criticized. “How could you possibly desire someone similar? I want someone who is the complete opposite of myself,” adamantly replied a woman in the group. I had a difficult time understanding her point of view. With the goal of self-improvement, we spend our entire lives incorporating attributes that we find admirable and rejecting personality characteristics that we find offensive. Wouldn’t we be less lonely with someone who shared the values and attributes that we have chosen to accept? By seeking someone with opposite personality characteristics, aren’t we indirectly saying that we don’t desire the qualities we have developed in ourselves? Is it possible that we are admitting that being alone makes us lonely?

In Symposium, Plato makes the argument that we desire and love the attributes we lack, rather than the characteristics that we already possess. Plato wrote that “love is wanting something that you do not currently possess,” and the implication is that we seek to compensate for our weaknesses by finding those strengths externally. The basic argument -- that if a person currently possesses a certain quality, he would have no desire to acquire it -- is generally true. For example, a strong man does not desire strength because he already has it. A beautiful woman may not desire beauty because she already possesses it. Yet, there are a few fallacies with this generalization. First of all, we may desire to acquire attributes that we lack only if they are characteristics we want but have been unable to obtain. We surely would not desire to acquire a negative attribute, such as hatred, even though we may not already possess it. Second, this argument is too simplistic for love. With respect to a potential partner, we do not love someone simply because this person has characteristics that we do not possess. If this were the case, none of our basic values would be shared. For example, if we possessed honesty, we would not seek someone who possessed the opposite character trait. If we were open-minded and extroverted, we would not necessarily seek someone who is closed-minded and introverted. Furthermore, even if we desire a characteristic that we do not currently possess, why would we seek this attribute in another human being instead of trying to develop it ourselves? The presence of the personality trait in another person does not allow us to “own” the characteristic; it only ensures that we will be exposed to this particular attribute when we interact with the other person.

I understand the need to share life with someone who complements our personality traits, but I don’t understand why we would seek our opposite. I do believe that complementary attributes add depth and richness to a relationship. For example, if someone appreciates the arts and performs modern dance, it could be extremely fulfilling to find someone who also appreciates the arts but has a degree in art history. These two people share their appreciation of artistic endeavors but each person’s expertise is different. At the other end of the spectrum is someone who cannot appreciate the arts at all. How is a relationship enhanced when the woman is inspired by art and music, while the man is completely consumed by sports? The compromise appears to be a separation and increased loneliness, rather than unity. On a Sunday afternoon, the woman spends her time at an art gallery, while the man attends a game at the stadium or is mesmerized by a wrestling match on TV.

Creating a fulfilling relationship is similar to creating a delicious recipe. Some ingredients go well together, while the addition of others can create something extremely distasteful. It doesn’t mean that the additional ingredients are “bad,” it just means that when the ingredients come together, the combination can be undesirable. For example, peanut butter by itself is delicious. Asparagus, by itself, is also appetizing. Yet when you combine peanut butter with asparagus, the result can be catastrophic. Although the ingredients alone are favorable, together they can be repulsive. Peanut butter needs the appropriate complementary ingredients to enhance the end result. Peanut butter with jelly or bananas can be better than peanut butter by itself and asparagus with hollandaise can improve the taste of the asparagus. Similarly, a relationship can be enhanced when complementary “ingredients” or personality characteristics come together as one. In fact, a complementary connection may be the perfect cure for loneliness. There is an acceptance of the “basics” and the union of complementary interests, beliefs or values allows the relationship to transcend to a higher level.

Being physically alone is simple; it means that there is no other human being nearby. However, loneliness is only one of many feelings that can accompany the physical isolation. A person who is alone in a room praying to God may not feel lonely at all; and a person in a state of meditation can feel a sense of fulfillment and connection that transcends the human experience. The most enriching experience on earth can happen while someone is alone in nature because there can be an intense spiritual connection with the perfection of the universe.

If someone is lonely while being alone, the most transparent solution may be to invite another person to join the experience; but this solution is only physical. If the loneliness results from feeling alone emotionally, intellectually or spiritually, another person can actually exacerbate the loneliness. Loneliness is most effectively eliminated by connecting with something or someone that has similar ideas, values, beliefs or perceptions.

A scene from the movie Mahogany effectively illustrates this point. She was trying to prove that she wasn’t lonely because she was accepted by strangers. “Everybody loves me. I will never be lonely because I am a success!” she screamed. As her lover saved himself by leaving her behind, he retorted that no matter how popular she became, it would never cure her loneliness because “success means nothing without someone you love to share it with.” External acceptance is a disguise that hides the need for an intimate connection with another human being. Some people seek fame, popularity or recognition as a substitute for love and as an illusionary cure for loneliness. The saddest moment is when someone finally realizes that external “cures” cannot fill an emptiness that resides at the core of the soul.

I feel lonelier with people who cannot accept my individuality than when I am physically alone. I accept me. If there are actions I don’t accept, I change them. When I am sitting alone in my house, I find comfort in knowing that there is at least one person in the room who does not want me to be someone I am not. I don’t date often because I am usually lonelier socializing with someone who wants me to “fit in.” I’ve always accepted the fact that I am different and that I don’t always conform to other people’s expectations. Connecting with other people has always been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life; but it is a rare event, which is why it is so special. I am often alone without being lonely and I feel that I can cure loneliness only by being selective about whom I choose to spend time with. The problem isn’t solved by letting more people in. The solution is to share yourself, your dreams, and your values with people who can truly appreciate them.

A person who is not lonely alone may still feel intense loneliness if there is no one to communicate with. For example, the people who travel a path toward spiritual growth or enlightenment often become frustrated because it is difficult to find “classmates” or “teachers” who can enhance the journey. These people can cure their loneliness through internal fulfillment but may become lonely if they are unable to connect with like-minded individuals. In other words, although being alone with spiritual thoughts does not cause internal loneliness, there can be an external loneliness that is difficult to cure (i.e., being alone is not enough). Furthermore, this external loneliness can grow exponentially if the person continually retreats to the internally created “safe environment” that enables further spiritual growth (in an effort to increase self-fulfillment and reduce loneliness).

Unwittingly, these spiritual people may travel farther down the “road less traveled,” which further separates them the majority. They may actually reach a point where external connections feel impossible. Their only cure for an external solution is by reading spiritual literature or by using concentrated efforts to find the minority that shares similar belief systems. These people also need to accept that the majority may not connect with them intellectually or spiritually but there are still people whose company can be extremely fulfilling. For example, many people may not be able to teach wisdom, but if they are caring people, they can be appreciated for their generosity, compassion and ability to love. Not everyone has to connect on every level and it is important to realize that we may never find our spiritual clones.

Some people seek therapy to cure feelings of loneliness. Once a week, someone is paid to listen to our problems and help us find solutions. Therapy can be an effective process for reducing loneliness, but it can also increase it. We expect that the therapist will help us, understand us, and provide us with empathy and compassion. However, if the wrong therapist is chosen or if the person is facing unique problems that are misunderstood by the therapist, the patient can end up feeling more alone. Western medicine has the tendency to diagnose and prescribe. If a patient is on a spiritual path, these methods can be counter-productive. There is no standard medical diagnosis and no chemical cures. This person may actually need a shaman, rather than a psychologist, and in the Western world, these types of “therapists” are difficult to find.

The ultimate solution for loneliness is to first feel comfortable alone by finding spiritual fulfillment that is not dependent on others. After discovering internal peace of mind, we can increase our happiness and reduce our loneliness by sharing ourselves with other people. Yet, it is important to understand that loneliness is not necessarily cured by other people -- it can actually be created by them. Nothing is lonelier than pulling down the covers, and sliding into bed next to someone who makes you feel alone. Being alone is not a physical condition; it is only feeling lonely in the company of others.

Thoughts Create Reality

2009-10-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

The theory of visualization is based on the assumption that if we see something in our mind, it has a greater chance of becoming real. When I applied to Harvard Business School, I visualized myself walking around Cambridge. I saw myself on the campus attending classes and in my mind I received the diploma at graduation. One month later, I was accepted into the program. I’m pretty sure that my visualization had no effect on the Admissions Committee’s decision, but I will never know for sure. Maybe I put thoughts into the universe that subconsciously affected the subjective nature of the applications process. Maybe I was a borderline acceptance -- perhaps the reviewer just had a “gut” feel that it was the right decision.

Visualization affects reality. In sports, competitors are taught to visualize their ultimate success. This method of training has been shown to improve performance. Thoughts create something; and it is an energy that instantaneously appears in the universe. Thought forms seem to have a life of their own.

According to Shakti Gawain in his book, Creative Visualization, he states, “In the past, many of us have used our power of visualization in a relatively unconscious way. Based on our deep-seated negative concepts about life, we have automatically and unconsciously expected and imagined lack, limitations, difficulties and problems to be our lot in life. To one degree or another that is what we have created for ourselves…Imagination is the ability to create an idea or mental picture in your mind. With creative visualization, you use your imagination to create a clear image of something you wish to manifest. Then you continue to focus on the idea or picture regularly, giving it positive energy until it becomes objective reality.”

When we fantasize about someone, it creates sexual energy. When we express hatred toward someone, it creates negative energy. If we feel good about ourselves, others are naturally drawn to us. If we get a haircut and wear new clothes, we feel more attractive and not surprisingly, our social relationships improve. I once knew a woman who was overweight. She saw herself as sexy and consequently, everyone believed it. She wore skimpy outfits that others who were as heavy would have been embarrassed to wear. Yet when she wore revealing clothes, she only looked more beautiful. One day I decided to be called by middle name Devin, instead of my first name, Lisa. I started dating 23 guys in only three months. I was convinced that my new popularity was the result of my new name. However, after the novelty of the name wore off, I had to face the truth. People weren’t responding to the name, Devin, they were responding to the visualization of myself when I was called by a different name.

Many believe that our thoughts about the afterlife completely influence what we will find. A common theory is that certain people get stuck in the thought forms that were created on earth. If individuals believe there is a Hell and if they think that they have failed, they will find the Hell that existed in their mind. Even if Hell doesn’t exist, it exists for them.

If our thoughts are as powerful as it appears, then all we need to do is to think something to make it become real. If we can honestly imagine ourselves successful, we will succeed. Constantly our thought forms have materialized in reality. How many times has someone thought about another person, only to receive a call from him or her a few minutes later? There have also been known cases where prayer has held people to earth, even though it was their time to leave. In a documented case, a person was on the verge of death but couldn’t make the transition because her loved ones were praying too hard for her to stay alive. She begged them to stop praying, and once they agreed, she died only a few hours later.

Creativity is the physical manifestation of thought. Artists create first in their mind and their art exists only after their thoughts have become real. Thoughts can also destroy creativity. If a writer creates a barricade that stagnates expression, the words cannot flow.

According to Gawain, “When we create something, we always create it first in a thought form. A thought or idea always precedes manifestation. The idea is like a blueprint; it creates an image of the form, which then magnetizes and guides the physical energy to flow into that form and eventually manifests it onto the physical plane… If you constantly think of illness, you will eventually become ill; if you believe yourself to be beautiful, you become so.”

If we believe that soulmates exist, we can usually find them. Yet if we believe that soulmates are only a figment of the imagination, they usually are. How much of reality is truly the result of our thoughts? We all need to try an experiment. Visualize an end result every day for at least 10 minutes a day. The visualization can be as easy as having a detailed daydream. At the end of a month, see if the thought form becomes real. It is important to actually believe the thoughts that come into our heads. If we have doubt or think that our thoughts are only fantasies, we are creating other thought forms that have an equal probability of becoming real. It is also important to base the monthly expectation on events that can happen in only 30 days. For instance, if the visualization is to be a President of a company and the person is currently working as an administrative assistant, the goal of reaching the Presidency will not happen by the end of the month. It is also important to be sure that someone else is not visualizing an opposite outcome. For instance, we can visualize dating someone every day but if that same person has no interest in seeing us again, the visualization probably will not materialize.

The most highlighted case of thoughts becoming real is in out of body experiences. Every thought creates an event. If you think of yourself in Paris, you instantaneously arrive. If you have fear about returning to the body, you immediately wake up in bed. Every thought influences our experiences and fears can become real. If certain people are afraid of mounting responsibilities, they may actually find themselves in a situation that is almost impossible to resolve (e.g., they are unable to dig themselves out of a ditch). The events feel real, but they are only a result of the person’s thoughts and fears.

Thoughts also become real in our perceptions of others. If we believe that a person is cruel, we notice only heartless behavior. A person appears to be malicious even if he or she is actually a nice person. If we want to believe the world is good, it probably is. We see what we want to see and our perceptions about reality create it. There is a cliché that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. This is another example of thoughts that become real. If we can see inner beauty, a person of average looks becomes beautiful and a person of extraordinary looks can appear average.

Success in business is often based on perceptions about reality. It has been hard for women to rise to the top of the business ladder, not because they are less capable but only because many people believe that women are not natural leaders and they were not born for “greatness.” Many people also have problems viewing a woman as the President of this country. Right or wrong, we have had only male Presidents because we believe that a man appears to be a stronger Head of State and Commander of the Military. Perception as reality is actually the basis of our foreign policy. If other countries believe we are the strongest nation in the world, it works to our advantage. Regardless of reality, the perceptions of our strength actually reinforce it.

Once we realize that our thoughts create reality, we have incredible power over all the events in our lives. All we have to do is to believe the desired outcome, and it becomes true. When we enter a relationship, we need to put our fears aside. If we meet a person we want to marry, we just need to conceptualize it. More likely than not, our thoughts will create the truth (unless our partner is visualizing the opposite).

The power of visualization means that what we meditate on, we create. That is one of the problems with the ritual of confession. Confession focuses on the sins that have been committed, instead of the good acts that we have achieved. Why don’t we say, “Father, this week I have done 12 positive things.” The confession ritual institutionalizes a focus on the image that we all are sinners, instead of the image that we all have the potential to be caring, thoughtful human beings.

When I was younger, I learned about the power of visualization and when I looked in the mirror, I saw who I wanted to be instead of who I was. I eventually found myself evolving into my own perception. The belief that thoughts create reality also means that our failures are completely our responsibility. If we didn’t find love, it was because we couldn’t successfully visualize love in our lives. I thought my absence of love was due to a long period of bad luck, until one day, I realized that I had created my own reality. I obviously wanted to stay alone even if I verbalized different thoughts.

According to Shakti Gawain, there are four basic steps for turning visualizations into reality. 1) Set a goal, 2) Create a clear idea or picture of what you want to accomplish, 3) Focus on it often, and 4) Give it positive energy (through affirmations). Gawain states, “Creative visualization is a means of unblocking or dissolving barriers we ourselves have created to the naturally harmonious, abundant and loving flow of the universe.” He also describes that there are three elements that determine whether creative visualization will be successful. They include desire, belief and acceptance. You have to want to achieve the goal, believe that it is possible, and accept the consequences of the outcome. It is also important to go with the flow of the energy without creating unnecessary obstacles, feeling fear, or over-intellectualizing the process.

Positive affirmations are an important tool for accomplishing personal objectives. Psychologists have known for years that what we say influences what we think and feel. According to David Meyers, “Positive talk promotes positive attitudes. Complaining magnifies discontent. Social psychologists call it the ‘saying becomes believing’ effect. When the subjects of countless experiments speak or write on behalf of some point of view, they come to believe it more strongly.”

Before I could write, I had to believe that I was a writer. I knew that if I perceived myself as something else, I would never be able to express my thoughts in words. The day I called myself a writer was the day I wrote my first article. Now my words flow faster than I can write them down.

Perception creating reality also explains why two people can be at the same event and experience completely different things. If someone assumes that a social function will be a disappointment, it usually is. Another person with different expectations can be at the same function and have an exceptionally good time. Two witnesses of a crime scene may also see different events because their assumptions modify reality.

Over time, philosophers have discussed the distinction between perception and reality. Usually, the consensus is that perception is the same as reality. There is an old question, “If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one in the vicinity, does it make a sound?” The purpose of the question is to ask whether perception is the only element in determining reality. The truth is that the tree makes a sound even if no one is able to hear it. The definition of sound is the transmission of sound waves and they exist whether they are perceived or not.

However, most people say that the definition of sound is the ability to perceive its existence. I suppose that means that sound in the next apartment isn’t really “sound” to anyone else. Everyone lives in their own reality and the sounds heard by them are the only real sounds that exist in their world. It is based on the theory that if we can’t perceive something, it doesn’t exist. When we couldn’t see atoms or quarks, we wouldn’t believe that they were real. It didn’t mean that they didn’t exist, but for most of us, their lack of perception caused them not to exist. Electricity also existed long before we had discovered how to use it. We may not have recognized the power of electricity but that doesn’t mean that its power did not exist.

Time is subject to different definitions of reality. The present, past, and future are only relative. The future is only a millisecond away from the present and the present is only a millisecond away from the past. Within one second, the past, present and future have all manifested themselves. We can see someone after six months and it feels like only two days. Some days feel like they last an hour while other days feel like they last a month. 24 hours just isn’t equal because of perception. When you cross the International Date Line, an entire 24-hour period completely disappears. One minute it is Tuesday the 12^th, and the next minute it is Thursday, the 14^th. The reality of time may not even exist. It may exist only in our minds. If time travel were possible, time would become completely instable. Today, we could be hit by a car, but if we could travel back in time, the event could disappear entirely. We perceive this world through our mathematical principles of time and space -- but it is only a perception. Time and space disappear in dreams and out of body experiences. If they can disappear when our consciousness is altered, are we really sure that objectively, they exist at all? Schopenhauer says, “space and time are the Veil of Maya – Illusion hiding the unity of all things.”

There is a big difference between subjective reality and objective reality. In Quantum physics, the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle states that as our subjective perception of an object changes, the objective reality changes as well. We live in a world shaped by our subjective realities and we may never know the true or objective reality. There is a truth in the world, even if we don’t know what it is. Some things are clear. There is a sun in the sky and it warms our bodies. This is probably objectively true; but we don’t really know for sure. It could be like the movie The Truman Show. Maybe the sun is just a powered heat source that keeps us alive during some external experiment that we know nothing about. “The Matrix” was the perfect movie about perception vs. reality. The subjective reality for every human being on earth was fabricated through computerized simulations; and the truth about the objective reality would have been devastating if it had been discovered (since their actual bodies were being sustained in test tubes while their minds thought they were living normal lives on Earth).

A refutation of objective reality was explained in A Brief History of Western Philosophy, by Anthony Kenny. According to Protagoras (a sophist), “On the most likely interpretation, this means that whatever, whether through perception or through thought, appears to a particular person to be true, is true for that person. This does away with objective truth: nothing can be true absolutely, but only relative to an individual. When people differ in belief, there is no way in which one of them is right and the other wrong.” According to Kenny, “Democritus, and later Plato, objected that Protagoras’ doctrine destroyed itself. For if all beliefs are true, then among true beliefs is the belief that not every belief is true.”

Sometimes perception creates reality because it is easier to live up to others’ expectations than to convince them of the truth. For example, some people may believe that a man has many girlfriends and treats them all casually without any potential for serious commitment. Since it is hard to prove the reverse, it may be easier just to continue the perception, as long as no harm is done. A person who may be just like everyone else assumes an identity only because others perceive it to be true.

Thoughts are like clay. They can be molded to form any shape that we want; but once the image becomes formed, the clay hardens into something that seems real and permanent. Thoughts may feel personal but once they are experienced, they are placed into the world either consciously or subconsciously. We think that people don’t know our feelings but they always do (even if they rationalize them differently). We might not tell individuals that we don’t like them, but they know. The thought form has taken shape and reveals itself in its own subtle way. If others cannot accept the truth, they will just create whatever perception is most palatable.

Adultery is technically defined as having sexual thoughts about another person while we are married to someone else. Indirectly, the definition is saying that thoughts create reality. The thought becomes the betrayal instead of the resulting action. Often some thoughts can be more damaging than actions. For instance, if a particular woman secretly falls in love with someone she is not married to, she has committed a greater form of betrayal than having casual sex with a stranger.

Reality changes on the basis of different people’s perceptions. For example, psychotic patients may just have a different view of reality. In their reality, certain people may exist even though these same people cannot be seen by others. The borderline between “normal” and “abnormal” may simply be a difference in degrees of perception. If individuals’ perceptions are noticeably different from the norm, they are classified as having a mental illness. If their view of reality conforms to other people’s views, then they are “normal.”

The way we see reality may be similar or different from others’ perceptions of the world. It doesn’t mean that one reality is right and another is wrong. If individuals see a yellow sky instead of a blue one, they might not be “crazy.” Perhaps, they are the only people who can see the sky’s true color. It’s easy to judge others if they disagree with our perceptions. The challenge in life is to understand that we are all limited by our own perceptions and that the ultimate reality of our existence may remain a mystery forever.

Confronting Grief

2009-10-03T13:00:00.000-07:00

When someone close to us dies, our natural tendency is to remain strong. Intellectually, we know that there is nothing we can do to change the situation since we cannot bring the person back to life. Yet, in the long run, being brave can be extremely detrimental. Our courage can imprison the release of the heart-breaking pain that needs overt expression. If despair and sorrow are repressed, the hidden pain can explode into a serious depression that only appears to be unrelated to the emotions that we were trying to circumvent. We may also make irrational life-altering decisions as a subterfuge; or as a ploy that deceives us into believing that we have escaped the pain that we are trying to avoid.

It is difficult to face the fact that we will never be able to call our loved ones on the phone and that they will not be around to share the important events in our lives. Unmarried women who have lost their fathers need to face the pain that they will be walking down the aisle alone. Sons who have lost their fathers need to feel pain that their next promotion or accomplishment will not receive accolades from a person they depended on for encouragement. If the children craved approval from one or both parents, the loss of a parent can paralyze the desire for success or create a dark abyss in the search for meaning in life. A wife who loses her husband will never be able to hear him say, “I love you,” or hold her in his arms. If there’s something she thinks he might want to know, she has to keep the information to herself. She will never again feel the warmth of his touch or the serenity of his smile.

Attempts to avoid feeling grief exacerbate the problem because the pain is not alleviated until it is confronted. Even after the pain is faced, the sorrow can continue forever. Grief that is concealed expresses itself in ways that are subtle and difficult to understand. A good example of this was described in The Art of Happiness: “Randall lost his father to cancer a little over a year ago. He was quite close to his father, and at the time everyone was surprised by how well he was taking the death. ‘Of course I’m sad’ he explained in a stoic tone. ’But really I’m fine. I’ll miss him, but life goes on. And anyway, I can’t focus on missing him right now; I have to arrange the funeral and take care of his estate for my mom… But I’ll be fine,’ he reassured everyone. One year later, however, shortly after the anniversary of his father’s death, Randall began to spiral into a severe depression. He came to me and explained, ‘I just can’t understand what is causing this depression. Everything seems to be going well right now. It can’t be the death of my father, he died over a year ago, and I’ve come to terms with his death.’ With very little therapy it became clear, however, that in struggling to keep a tight reign on his emotions, in order to ‘be strong,’ he had never fully dealt with his feeling of loss and grief. These feelings continued to grow until finally manifesting as an overpowering depression that he was forced to deal with. In Randall’s case, his depression lifted rather quickly as we focused on his pain and feelings of loss, and he was able to fully confront and experience his grief.”

Death is extremely difficult to deal with because we are not sure what happens to people when they die. Even if our faith tells us that they are “alive” in another existence, it is hard to be certain of something we cannot see, feel, hear or touch. Often we feel the presence of someone who has died long after he or she is gone, but we can believe that this is wishful thinking. It takes an inordinate amount of strength to believe that someone is there when you are looking at empty space.

People who have strong beliefs in the afterlife often have an easier time dealing with death. These people still feel the pain of the loss, but they understand that their pain is basically selfish. Obviously, we want the people who have died to be in our physical plane because we miss them. Yet, if we believe in the afterlife, we know that the person who died is experiencing more joy and happiness than what was possible on earth. We also realize that time is just an illusion. We will see this person again when we make the transition from life to death. It may feel like the time lasts forever, but it is only relative to our experience with time.

Socrates never believed in death. Instead, he believed that the soul is immortal. He was always careful to make the distinction between the body and the soul. The body may die, but the soul lives forever. After Socrates was sentenced to death, he tried to explain this concept to Crito. In Constantine Cavamos’s book, Plato's View of Man, he quotes a passage that explains the response of Socrates to Crito’s request for burial instructions. "I cannot persuade Crito, my friends, that I am the same Socrates who is now conversing and ordering each part of the argument; he thinks that I am the other Socrates, whom he will later see a dead body, and he asks how he will bury me. And though I have said just now a great deal indicating that after I drink the poison I shall no longer remain with you, but will go away to the joys of the blessed, he seems to think that I mean something else, that I am merely comforting you and myself. Therefore, be surety for me to Crito...that I shall not remain when I die, but shall go away in order that he may bear my death more easily, and not be grieved when he sees my body being burned or buried, as if I were undergoing tribulations, or say at the burial that he is laying out Socrates, or is following him to the grave, or is burying him. Realize excellent Crito, that not speaking rightly is not only an offense, but also infects the soul with evil. You must be of good courage then and say that you are burying my body."

I actually feel closer to people after they die because I realize that they can be with me anytime I need them. On the physical plane, there are distances that separate us. In the ethereal world, they can be there instantaneously. I also feel that there is someone who can help me in ways that I don’t understand. On earth, our help is limited to the physical reality. In the next dimension, the help that others provide can be magical.

For many people, dealing with grief seems pointless. This is especially true for men who tend to be problem solvers. They know they cannot solve the problem, so they avoid thinking about it or they use external distractions to subvert their pain. Many men monopolize their time with work or sports. Others make extreme life changes as an elaborate ploy for avoiding the pain of grief. A common tactic is to become involved in a love affair following the loss, especially if the sufferers lost a parent who they depended on for emotional support. The psychological “high” of infatuation or falling in love can appear to compensate for the intense pain of grief. This tactic is a subversive form of avoidance and can be extremely deceptive. As an associate explained: “A friend of mine lost his father and he appeared to be dealing with the loss exceptionally well. His absence of intense grief surprised me because he depended on his father for approval and he was extremely close to him. A month later, he became emotionally involved with a woman, which seemed to be a rebound reaction to the loss of his father. Even though he downplayed the relationship, he asked her to marry him only four months later. Their wedding was only a year after his father died. It was obvious that the ecstasy of falling in love distracted him from facing the pain of his father’s death. When his father was alive, he said that he wasn’t ready for marriage, but then his father died and he married the next person he dated. It wasn’t a coincidence. He was using the marriage as a way of avoiding the pain.”

I also met a guy who seemed like he was dealing well with his father’s death. In fact, he seemed so “together” that I thought his father must have died long ago. There was no emotion in his eyes when he mentioned his father’s death. He talked about it like he was talking about yesterday’s sports scores. At the time, he told me that he worked in forensics so I assumed that his profession made him de-emotionalize death and I hypothesized that he was doing the same with his own father’s death. I later learned from a mutual friend that his father had died only a few months earlier and that the forensics profession that he created was only a lie. At first, I was a bit disappointed that he had created a false “identity,” but the disappointment quickly turned to compassion. I couldn’t help but think that he created the forensics occupation as a way of avoiding the pain of his loss. Some people will go to great lengths to avoid dealing with pain that they believe will cripple them. He didn’t realize that if he could confront the pain directly, he could deal with the resulting sorrow without the need to create scenarios that superficially made him believe that he was “fine.”

Women usually have an easier time with grief because they are more sensitive to their own needs to feel emotional pain. They know that crying may not solve anything, but the emotional release helps alleviate the internal pain. Women are also more likely to see a therapist to help them deal with their grief and they are less likely to use romantic or work distractions to avoid dealing with pain.

Grief does not automatically go away in time. We need to understand that it is okay to be sad and angry that people are taken away from us before we are ready to see them go. Widowers often are angry with the spouse for dying and it’s normal to be upset with God because we don’t understand the “big picture.” We are only human and our only reality is the one we can experience first-hand. There may be another reality that is hidden from view, but it doesn’t make the pain of our loss any easier. We still have lost this person from our lives and every day we are aware of the absence. My niece and nephew no longer have a father. No belief in the afterlife will change that. Their male role model is gone and their sense of loss will stay with them forever.

We may not be able to change anything by feeling pain, but we can help to heal ourselves. The pain we feel will not kill us, yet by avoiding pain, we can kill a part of ourselves that needs expression. No other person in the world can fill the gap that is left by a person who died because every person is unique and our relationship with that person cannot be replaced by another person on this planet. Yet, we can keep the person “alive” through our memories and by being grateful that we had the opportunity to experience love, even if it feels that the love did not last forever.

In actuality, love never dies. Even after the person is gone, the love will stay with us forever. What is important is how we remember the person and how we can appreciate the gift of the person’s presence in our lives. Losing a father who loves us is difficult, but at least we were exposed to his love while he was alive. Many people live their entire lives without feeling loved by their parents. The pain of loss is less when the parents die, but it is only because these people did not have a significant impact on us while they were alive. Would we rather feel the pain of the loss of someone who deeply cared about us or would we rather avoid having an intimate relationship with someone only because the pain of the loss is less severe?

Death is a natural part of life. In American society, we don’t like to think about death because we perceive it as negative. Yet, as the Dalai Lama has explained, “You might consider things like old age and death are negative, unwanted, and simply try to forget about them. But eventually these things will come anyway. And if you’ve avoided thinking about these things, when the day comes that any of these events occur, it will come as a shock causing an unbearable mental uneasiness. However, if you spend some time thinking about old age, death and these other unfortunate things, your mind will be much more stable when these things happen as you have already become acquainted with these problems and kinds of suffering and have anticipated that they will occur.”

Death is not necessarily negative for the person who experiences it; it is only negative for the people left behind. Many things in this universe are invisible to the naked eye but it does not mean that these things do not affect us. We can’t see ultra-violet light, yet it has an adverse affect on our skin every day that we are alive. We may not be able to see the positive aspects of a person who has passed away, but it does not mean that their effect on us can’t be positive for the rest of our lives. Without the influence of our parents, we would be different people. The effect they have had on us is immortal. Can’t we just be grateful that they helped us to evolve into better individuals?

Regret is usually prominent after someone dies. Maybe we didn’t show our love the way we thought we should. Maybe we could have been there for them more often than we were. Maybe we shouldn’t have argued about the little things. When my friend committed suicide in my car, I was consumed by regret. What could I have done to save him? Eventually, I understood that regret was a useless emotion (though normal in the case of suicide). I could have done a million things differently and he probably would have committed suicide anyway. The past is the past.

The people who have died know we loved them immensely. They know we tried to be there for them whenever we could. We need to trust that whatever dimension they are in, they understand our feelings better than they ever could while they were alive. We always say and do things that we regret. These are not the things to remember. These actions and words are already forgiven. Dealing the pain of death requires extreme compassion and forgiveness. If we believe in God, we need to forgive Him for taking away the person we love (or to understand that God is not to blame). We need to forgive the person who is gone for the feelings of abandonment that naturally follows the loss; and most importantly, we need to forgive ourselves for any of the memories that might cause regret. We need to transform regret into compassion for our pain.

It is also extremely dangerous to believe that the death is some kind of “punishment.” We may want to explain events that we do not understand, but this does not mean that we correlate events that are not correlated. No one deserves the pain and suffering that is caused by a loved one’s death. Death is always a tragedy. We can only do our best to survive it and to grow and evolve by meeting our suffering head on.

Denial of pain does not mean that the pain does not exist. The pain is there whether we choose to accept it or not. Wouldn’t it be easier for us in the long run to suffer the pain of the loss rather than letting the pain affect us in ways that appear to be unrelated to event that precipitated it? If we cannot accept the pain that comes from losing someone we love, we may actually shield ourselves from experiencing passionate love in the future. We may be afraid to face a similar pain again. Yet, isn’t it better to love intensely, even though there could be pain associated with its loss -- rather than not loving at all?

Everyone we love will die. Some will die before us and some will die after we are gone. Death does not have to be a negative event. Just because we don’t understand the transition does not mean that it is not beneficial for the person experiencing it. Changes in form happen all the time but one form is not necessarily better or worse than another form. We believe that a butterfly is “better” than a caterpillar even though the caterpillar has “died.” Why would the death of a person be any different? Instead of mourning death, we need to celebrate life. Each person on this planet can positively affect another human being and each person’s life can be changed as a result of the interaction. We could close ourselves off from the rest of the world, which would ensure that no one would suffer the pain of our death and we would not suffer when others die. Yet, human beings were put on earth to interact with others. We cannot live in this world without being affected by death. No matter how we may feel about death, it will inevitably happen. The problems associated with death cannot be avoided simply by refusing to deal with them. We cannot change the mortality of the human race -- we can only change how we choose to deal with it. We may feel that avoidance will make the pain disappear in time, but this philosophy simply is not true. We have to have the strength to deal with our emotional heartache or we will never be able to transcend it. Suffering is a part of life. We need to be able to suffer through pain in order to release ourselves from its imprisonment.

Grieving is a healthy process. We may feel that life is unfair because the people we love were “taken away” from us. The simple truth is that life is unfair or if it is “fair,” we don’t always understand the reasons for particular disasters and hardships. The best we can do is to heal ourselves and to have faith that life and death have a purpose. A person who dies is never really gone. Emotionally, the person is a part of our lives forever. If we suppress our emotions, we are in effect, removing the person from our lives because we are refusing to think of the person out of fear that the pain will cripple us.

We have the power to keep people alive in our memories and in our hearts. We may need to experience the paralysis of pain for a period of time, but we then need to transform the pain into gratefulness. Every second we share with a person we love is sacred even if physically, the person may not be with us forever. After all, death lasts only a moment, but the beauty of a person’s life is immortal.

The Light of Death

We normally mourn death when one’s laid to rest,

but why do we need to cry?

Is it distress for the souls who were destined for death,

or because we’re alone without knowing why?

A life lived is just evolution.

Transformations become our quest.

When our path gradually comes to fruition,

we’re rewarded with love, peace and rest.

Once necessary lessons are slowly ingrained,

our awaited tribute’s in sight,

with a union of love without judgment or pain

in an accepting immersion of celestial light.

The process of death shows such beauty and grace

when divine souls congregate and unite --

to welcome their adventurous world traveler

during his latest transitional flight.

To mourn someone’s death is to acknowledge our love,

and a way to value our friends --

we crave more moments and memories to share --

for it’s too unbearable to witness their end.

Yet you too will make this transition

when your sacred destiny is cast.

Until then please cherish the moment of death,

as a symbol of beauty for the life just passed.

And remember it’s all a circle.

We will be together again.

For death lasts only a moment,

but love can never end.

Patience is a Virtue

2009-10-03T12:32:00.001-07:00

Patience is one of the most important spiritual values; yet few of us have actually achieved this quality. Unexpectedly, our computer freezes or we get stuck in traffic and our natural tendency for impatience appears. For one moment (and perhaps even longer), we are filled with anger about something we cannot control. Impatience hurts no one except ourselves – unless we take out our anger on the people who are close to us. If we hurt others because we are frustrated by an uncontrollable event, we have committed an act of aggression that is completely unfair to the other person. The affected person did not cause the event, so why should he or she be punished by our inability to deal with it? And why should we punish ourselves for something that is out of our control?

Practicing patience takes incredible self-control. It means that we don’t let the frustrating external events affect our peace of mind. This philosophy is easier said than done. Impatience is a “knee-jerk” reaction. It feels like a natural reflex to the event that precipitated the emotion. Yet, we have the power to train our minds and to control our impatience. For example, I was once late to an appointment and I got stuck in a line at the post office. There was nothing I could do to change the situation because the package had to go out that day and the post office would be closed if I waited until the appointment was over. The woman at the counter was incredibly slow and spent time having casual conversations with the customers. I immediately felt my impatience rising to the surface, but I used the event to test my patience. I had control over the way I reacted to the situation – I could be patient or impatient. I knew that nothing would change by my impatience but for some reason, I initially believed that it was a necessary release for the anger I felt inside. Yet, then I realized that I didn’t need to feel the anger. Wasn’t this my own fault for not leaving enough time to mail the package? If I weren’t late, I could be patient because time wouldn’t matter so much. I then looked behind me. There were 15 other people standing in the same line due to the slow response from the counter. Instead of feeling impatient, I started to feel compassion for the other people. They would have to wait longer than I had to wait and I knew that all of them were feeling the same frustration over a circumstance that could not be changed. When I switched the anger and impatience to compassion, my emotional state completely changed. My impatience was gone. The worst thing that would happen is that I would be late to the appointment, which would probably be forgiven by agreeing to end the meeting at the same time as scheduled. I would just have to present my case faster than I expected. I knew that the lateness was not the post office’s fault; it was my own. Taking responsibility for the action reduced my natural inclination for frustration, and in turn, I conquered my feelings of impatience.

Why is patience so important? I think there are larger issues associated with obtaining patience, such as tolerance, self-control, and restraint. Without patience, we could never be tolerant of people who are different from ourselves. Instead, impatience can rise to the surface because we may believe that these people have views that are based on convoluted rationale or faulty logic. Only with genuine patience and an open mind, can we understand why they feel the way they do.

On the other side of the coin, many people feel impatient when they are confronted with someone who can’t understand what they are trying to say or when another person’s mind takes longer to process information (or to explain concepts). Inherently, we want other people’s minds to work in the same way that our minds work. If we can explain a concept in 5 minutes, we do not expect that others will take 20 minutes to explain the same thing. It takes great patience to understand that other people may need more time to comprehend information or to express a point of view. While this scenario is common when adults are trying to explain concepts to children, we tend to give children greater leeway. When adults are talking to other adults, they do not expect large discrepancies in the ability to process and regurgitate information. Yet, we all are different and our minds are different. A concept that seems obvious to one person may seem obscure to another. With tolerance, self-control and restraint, we can give the more leeway to people who may not live up to our expectations. Instead of being frustrated that someone else may process information slowly or differently, we should feel fortunate that our brains can rapidly comprehend difficult information. Patience also allows us to be tolerant of other’s opinions even if we don’t agree with them.

I once heard someone criticize a person who was having difficulty understanding a particular concept. He whispered to a mutual friend, “If you told her you would give her a penny for her thoughts, you would probably get change.” This is a case of extreme intolerance. Instead of being sensitive to the possibility that this person may process information differently, the slower response time was turned into a negative judgment and rude criticism (which was unfairly used to make one person feel superior to another). Patience with others means that we give them the benefit of the doubt. We don’t make unfair judgments and we don’t criticize; we simply understand that other people’s minds are different from our own.

Another downside of impatience is that we may not be able to effectively control our desires. We live in a “fast-food” economy and impatience causes us to want everything “now.” Without patience, we do not have the restraint to avoid fulfilling all of our desires as soon as we can. If we want to make money quickly, we may not have the desire to go to college because the degree delays our ability to generate income (unless we believe that college will increase our ability to make money, which makes us view college as a necessary investment in human capital). If we want to feel ecstasy now, we may not have the restraint to avoid alcohol and drugs. A state of natural ecstasy can exist by training the mind through meditation. This is the long path toward fulfillment and takes a strong commitment that does not “pay off” immediately. It may just be easier to obtain temporary ecstasy through mind-altering substances. Thus, by developing patience, we increase our self-control.

Impatience can also cause us to ruin relationships. For example, we may want serious romantic involvement immediately but this impatience can scare another person away. If we can be patient enough to wait for the right timing, we may find that a possible rejection is avoided. I once dated someone who I was not interested in romantically. Yet, he was very patient with me and never asked me to make a decision about pursuing an intimate relationship. A few months later, my emotions changed. If he had been impatient in the beginning of the relationship, I would have been forced to reject him before I could get to know him better.

Subtle impatience occurs when certain people’s behaviors “get on our nerves.” The “little things” can really bother us and annoying personality characteristics can cause extreme frustration. For example, some individuals eat with their mouth open or chew very loudly. Once this behavior is noticed, every single bite can sound like a hailstorm. Even though one person may be “polite” by not saying anything, he or she can be going crazy inside. Undoubtedly, we all know this is a trivial concern, but eventually it can become extremely annoying and the hidden frustration can easily turn into disparaging remarks. Subsequently, the loud eater is caught off-guard because he has no idea that something is wrong.

Another form of subtle impatience is when grown children visit their parents. Often, their parents’ intonations and body language immediately cause the children to express frustration and impatience as they are reminded of the way that they were treated long ago. Harmless statements can turn into arguments merely because the tone of voice was condescending. Spouses can also do things that are extremely irritating, or as Thomas Aquinas said, “familiarity breeds contempt.” A good example of this was portrayed in the movie, The Wedding Planner. The future bride said, “I hate that he sings in the shower and chews on pen caps and it drives me nuts when he rolls up his left pant leg after he has eaten too much.” Independently, none of these things seem particularly problematic. Yet, after a period of time, the little things cause the greatest amount of impatience. In all of these cases, we may find ourselves losing our temper over insignificant words and gestures. It takes great patience to ignore the little things bother us. We already know that these things are unimportant but without patience, they can seem to be bigger problems than they really are. To avoid outbursts, we have to be able to put things in their proper perspective. We need to be able to ignore the words and gestures that cause our tempers to rise. Self-control, tolerance and restraint are the qualities we need to overcome our natural tendency to overact.

Impatience also surfaces when people repeat themselves over and over. Inside, the listener is struggling against screaming, “But you have already said the same thing three times before and the last time you said it was only five minutes ago!” People who continually repeat themselves have a problem with memory (sometimes short-term memory and sometimes long-term memory). It is appropriate to remind the person that you have already heard the story in a compassionate way, such as “Yes, I remember that you told me about that; and wasn’t it wonderful.” The worst thing to do is to listen to the story again, while letting the anger, impatience and frustration build up inside. The response to the repeated story is usually curt and flippant because it can be infuriating to repeat a reaction that someone obviously did not hear the first time. However, if you can listen again and be silent and polite, while not harboring any negative thoughts, then it may be appropriate to hear the story again so that you can avoid embarrassing the person about his or her forgetfulness. The second method invokes compassion for the temporary lapse in memory and protects the person’s pride.

Impatience is like anger – we end up hurting ourselves through increased blood pressure, mental agitation, faster heart rates, and other negative physical conditions. Impatience also causes us to treat others with disrespect. Inevitably, the person who feels impatient takes out his or her anger on the person who is believed “responsible” for the inequity. At the post office, I saw customers treating the postal worker with contempt. She was doing the best that she could; the post office was simply understaffed. Yet she became the scapegoat for the post office’s inefficiency.

In general, we need to stop reacting to things we cannot control. Impatience is only frustration with the events of our lives that we cannot change. If we had control over these events, we would simply take action instead of feeling impatient. We have to understand that much of what we experience in life is out of our control. We can go to great lengths to ensure that we will not be stuck in a traffic jam, but an unexpected accident can still cause the traffic to come to a dead halt. There was no way to know that a car would lose control an hour before we left home. If we cannot change an event, we simply need to accept it rather than feeling anger that has no purpose except to upset us internally.

We also cannot change other people unilaterally. If we choose to feel anger every time someone does something we don’t like, we will live in a world of anger and impatience. In the end, we only hurt others and ourselves.

How do we change our natural tendency to become impatient? I suppose there are a variety of different methods that will control impatience: 1) we could be more tolerant of the perceived inadequacies, 2) we could feel sympathy for others who are faced with the same inconvenience, 3) we could express compassion for ourselves for having to face the negative scenario, or 4) we can forgive a personality characteristic that we judge negatively. We are all just human, after all.

We could also divert our thinking to control our peace of mind. If someone is driving us crazy, we can refuse to pay attention. While we are waiting impatiently, we could use the time to focus on our breathing, which stimulates an internal calmness and a sense of euphoria. Many people say they have no time to meditate because they believe that meditation has to be conducted in a certain way. Yet, meditation can happen anywhere. Instead of feeling frustrated about being stuck in a line that doesn’t move, we can use the time to meditate. Or maybe we can view the unfortunate situation as a way of meeting a stranger. Two people stuck in line are sharing something in common, which could be a way of starting a conversation. The resulting dialogue could reduce the impatience for both people. Though it is important to have a positive conversation even though the two people are experiencing a negative event. If we are in a car, we can use the time to read, listen to music, or hear a book on tape. Surely, these activities are better than feeling frustration over a problem that has no solution.

The irony of patience is that it requires patience to develop patience. It is a circular problem. If we are impatient with ourselves, we will not have the discipline necessary to develop patience. We need to be patient enough to calm our internal state of mind when it does not want to be controlled. It is easier to express anger and frustration than to find peace of mind through patience. Furthermore, patience leads to further patience and impatience leads to more impatience. For example, impatience may cause us to cut others off during a conversation when we feel that they are taking too long to express their point of view. If we could relax and let them take as long as they like to make their point, then other people would not express impatience in return. The patience of one participant in a discussion leads to patience in the other person as well. Or stated a different way -- if we are impatient with people, they respond with impatience. They start cutting us off because we did not give them the chance to finish what they were saying. We assume we knew where they were going, but perhaps we didn’t. Without patience, we can never know for sure.

As stated by the Dalai Lama, “We need to put the practice of patience at the heart of our daily lives. It is a question of familiarizing ourselves with it, at the deepest level, so that when we do find ourselves in a difficult situation, although we may have to make an extra effort, we know what is involved. On the other hand, if we ignore the practice of patience until we are actually experiencing trouble, it is quite likely we will not succeed in resisting provocation. One of the best ways to begin familiarizing ourselves with the virtue of patience is by taking time to reflect systematically on its benefits. It is the source of forgiveness… and it enables us to have compassion for the individual. Similarly, when we develop the ability patiently to forebear, we find that we develop a proportionate reserve of calmness and tranquility. We tend to be less antagonistic and more pleasant to associate with. This in turn, creates a positive atmosphere around us so that it is easier for others to relate to us. And being better grounded emotionally through the practice of patience, we find that not only do we become much stronger mentally and spiritually, but we tend to be healthier physically.”

Parents who are patient with their children help develop patience in the next generation. If we see our parents losing control when the slightest thing goes wrong, we are likely to emulate the behavior. It takes great patience to avoid being frustrated by children who may not always live up to our expectations. Though if we have the restraint to avoid impatience, we are helping our children achieve patience as well.

Even great spiritual leaders who understand the value of patience can be guilty of being impatient from time to time. I know of no one who does not list impatience as a fault. Even Jesus expressed impatience when others could not understand him. Patience is truly one of the hardest and most important virtues. It requires a detachment of ego or self from the event that is causing frustration. If we are attached to the outcome, we are more likely to pass judgment or to have certain expectations that cannot be realized. Developing patience is an understanding that inner peace, regardless of external circumstances, is sacred. In essence, patience requires us to rise above our humanity.

Every teacher needs to have patience with his or her students. Without patience, the student will never learn. Instead, there will be alienation from the professor and defensiveness from the student. Walls will appear that block the message from reaching its recipient. Impatience is condescending. The “victim” feels inferior and thus, will refuse to learn. We learn from the people we respect and we ignore the ones who we feel contempt for. If we have the desire to share our knowledge with others, we have to be patient enough to understand that everyone learns according to their own schedule. There are many individuals who now understand what Jesus was trying to teach, but it has taken 2,000 years for the messages to become clear. Humankind needed to evolve spiritually to understand the essence of his arguments and some priests still miss the major points even after years of dedicated study. Correspondingly, some individuals can spend the majority of their lives trying to understand the Kabbalah before the importance of its message is comprehended.

In general, the most effective method for increasing patience is by ignoring the insignificant things that bother us. The people who annoy us are not intentionally trying to hurt us; we are just irritated by things about them that we cannot control. If we can’t control their personalities, we have to realize that the annoying characteristics are here to stay. We can either exclude these people from our lives or choose to tolerate them. The inappropriate response is to lose patience with them. No one deserves to be treated with disrespect. If we cannot respect the people in our lives, we should probably limit our contact with them.

As further stated by the Dalai Lama, “As a second step to familiarize ourselves with the virtue of patience, it is also very helpful to think of adversity not so much as a threat to our peace of mind but rather as the very means by which patience is attained. From this perspective, we see that those who would harm us are, in a sense, teachers of patience… From adversity we can learn the value of patient forbearance. And in particular, those who would harm us give us unparalleled opportunities to practice disciplined behavior.”

With patience we can have respect for others who are different from ourselves, we can tolerate opinions that conflict with our belief systems and we can forgive personality characteristics that annoy us. Patience also allows us to understand that everything does not have to happen right away and we can feel forgiveness for unnecessary delays. Happiness can take a lifetime and love may not appear until we have given up on it. Timelines simply set expectations, but with patience we have the power to control our expectations. Frustration appears only when things happen slower than we think they should happen. If we expect that certain events will take a long time, we could be pleasantly surprised by their occurrence rather than frustrated by their delay. For example, if a little girl were told that she would meet her “prince” at the age of 60, she would not be surprised or impatient if she had not met him when she was 35. And if she did meet him at 35, she would be pleasantly surprised to have an extra 25 years with this person. If we expect that it will take an hour to mail a package, we may be pleasantly surprised by a 30-minute line.

We have to accept that we cannot control everything around us. After a husband dies, the wife sometimes waits impatiently to join him. Yet, without committing suicide, she must wait for her natural time of death. This does not mean that she wakes up everyday disappointed that she is still alive. She can still enjoy the time she has left. With a combination of patience and an ability to find activities that she enjoys, she can wait with a calm state of mind. Impatience is like watching grass grow. We can stare at the grass everyday with frustration that its progress is incredibly slow or we could lie in the sun and appreciate the nice days that contribute to its growth.

Virtues are never easy to obtain and patience is one of the hardest. Since we need patience to develop patience, the end goal can seem incredibly difficult, if not impossible. Yet, we all have the ability to cultivate patience in others and ourselves. It just may take a lifetime to accomplish it.

The Coexistance of Opposites

2009-10-03T12:08:00.000-07:00

According to biblical stories, the creation of this existence was the recognition of opposites. Symbolically, in the Garden of Eden, Eve finally recognized that she was different from Adam and separate from God. Prior to this realization, there was no good or bad; all things were good. With the recognition of opposites came the feelings of fear and guilt because the reality of opposites inevitably leads to judgment. Honesty is good. Lying is bad. Generosity is good. Greediness is bad.

This view of the world is too simplistic. No human being can be entirely honest all the time. Since self-preservation is required, there is at least the presence of greed within all generous people. Greed is defined as the excessive desire for possessions or wealth. Yet, what is excessive? It is always relative to another person’s economic situation. All people with wealth would be considered greedy by the poor people who live in Indonesia. A wealthy person may buy a million dollar house and give $100 million to charity. Is this person greedy or generous? Couldn’t happiness be achieved with a $200,000 house? Or with no house at all?

Our reality consists as a balance of opposites. Every brave person still feels fear. Bravery only requires the recognition that something is more important than the fear. The emotions stimulated by fear are channeled into a desire to be strong. Brave people realize that the benefits of conquering fear lead to a life that is filled challenge and victory, even at the expense of danger and destruction. Or as the old saying goes, “The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.”

Even the definition of an element is relative to its opposite. In the North Pole, 60 degrees may feel hot while 60 degrees is cold at the equator. Are there any absolute opposites that exist in this world? Extremes can usually be defined as an opposite. For example, someone whose height is seven feet is currently considered tall. The majority defines the attribute. If everyone were seven feet tall, the height would not be classified as tall.

As stated in A Brief History of Western Philosophy, Socrates concluded that “If two things are opposites, each of them comes into being from the other. If someone goes to sleep, she must have been awake. If someone wakes up, he must have been asleep. Again, if A becomes greater than B, then A must have been less than B. If A becomes better than B, then A must have been worse than B. Thus, these opposites, greater and less, plus better and worse, just like sleeping and waking, come into being from each other. But death and life are opposites, and the same must hold true here also. Those who die, obviously enough, are those who have been living; should we not conclude that dying in its turn is followed by living?”

Joseph Campbell relates a similar story of life coming from death. He says, “It’s amazing: one after another, you discover these gods who are at once of death and of generation. The death god, Ghede, of the Haitian Voodoo tradition, is also the sex god. The Egyptian god Osiris was the judge and lord of the dead, and the lord of the regeneration of life. It is a basic theme – that which dies is born. You have to have death in order to have life.”

According to Eastern philosophy, opposites continually flow into each other and in every element lies a portion of its opposite. According to Lama Govinda: “The relationship of form and emptiness cannot be conceived as a state of mutually exclusive opposites, but only as two aspects of the same reality, which coexist and are in continual cooperation.”

It is actually the presence of the opposite that brings about change. For instance, in every peaceful situation, there is the presence of turmoil. The turmoil, if erupted, will lead to a movement toward war. In war, there is always the desire for peace, which leads us back to a peaceful environment. If there were no turmoil in a peaceful environment, a state of complacency could develop. If there were no desire for peace during wartime, a continual state of war would be perpetuated. Opposites also coexist in nature. In the center of a brutal hurricane is perfect peace in the eye of the storm. There are painful thorns that protect a beautiful and delicate rose. Spectacular rainbows are created by the coexistence of the sun and the rain.

Often it is impossible to appreciate an attribute without experiencing its opposite. For example, it may be difficult to appreciate love without an understanding of the pain that comes from an absence of love. If everyone experienced love from every individual on the planet, the emotion could be taken for granted. Love becomes expected rather than appreciated. If we experienced perfect weather every day, inevitably, we would take it for granted. Appreciating a nice day would be difficult because every day is nice. People who live in colder climates appreciate the beginning of Spring because they have just endured a difficult Winter. The contrast in temperature is the impetus that leads to the appreciation.

Even the most basic actions may be withdrawn to invoke an appreciation. For instance, I used to take it for granted that I would sleep every night. I had been sleeping since I was born. Then unexpectedly, I was unable to sleep for three days straight and it was the most horrendous three days of my life. I was unable to function normally and I felt mentally unbalanced. Since that period, I have learned to appreciate the ability to sleep. Encountering its opposite caused me to appreciate its presence. We often suffer when we are faced with negative circumstances. However, we can view the suffering as an opportunity to appreciate its opposite.

Change can be resisted but it will always occur. One attribute is always flowing towards its opposite. When we reach the lowest point of despair, the only certainty is that the flow of life will move us to a better situation. It is also unwise to be extremely comfortable during periods of prosperity because inevitably, movement in the other direction is ensured. During difficult times, we can get caught in a downward spiral of negativity by believing that the direction we are moving is permanent. Yet the only certainty is that the negativity will turn around. Everything in life is impermanent; our only mistake in judgment is assuming that impermanence is actually permanent. Life itself is not permanent. We can fight the flow of life by forcing movement in one direction or another but then we are flowing against the natural cyclical movement of life. Sometimes it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel but darkness and light coexist. In fact, darkness cannot even be defined if there were no light since darkness is the absence of light and light immediately dispels the perception of darkness. The darkness is still there, it is only obscured by the light. In every dark moment, there is an element of light that if sparked can lead us to the other direction.

In every bad situation, there is good. If we focus on the positive, the focus itself will switch the flow of movement in the right direction. An independent consultant once remarked, “I could never understand why there was always too much business at once or no business at all. It almost seemed like a single contract signing after a period of inactivity started the movement in the other direction. I’ve had to adjust my expectations to be prepared for business prosperity or a period of complete inactivity. No matter how hard I try to change this flow, it inevitably returns.”

Since opposites cannot be defined as good or bad and since there is continual flow from one extreme to the other, we need to be comfortable within the balance of competing forces. When external events bring us down, we need to have faith that negative events eventually turn into positive events. Often people find that at the moment of failure comes a period of success. The only individuals who find themselves in trouble are the ones who refuse to believe that failures are temporary. We can convince ourselves that we are unsuccessful, which reduces our self-esteem and causes us to lose faith in ourselves. It is not the negative event that causes failure. The destruction is rooted in the change in self-perception. It takes great faith in the balance of life to assume that negative events will turn positive. The movement toward the opposite force requires a focus on the smallest positive element during a storm. By channeling efforts toward the positive, we give power to the spark that can bring about our transformation.

After a brutal murder or tragedy, the first question is, “if there is a God, how could he have allowed this tragedy to occur?” We questioned the existence of a positive universal force after the Holocaust and after the September 11^th tragedy. How can a God that is good allow such evil to happen? We place judgments on catastrophes. They are indisputably negative. Yet what if the tragedy is necessary to spark a universal flow toward the positive? Didn’t the McCarthy “witch hunts” cause us to appreciate the value of the First Amendment? Without the Holocaust, would genocide and ethnic cleansing become a way of life in many parts of the world? Would our focus on human rights be diminished if they had not been severely violated during World War II? Without these atrocities, in the future one race might have been able to declare superiority and slowly convince others that inferior members of the planet be eradicated. In turn, the horror of the Holocaust may ensure that a massive alienation of differences will never be tolerated.

We assume that tragedies are negative because we also assume that death is negative. Yet, what if death is not really negative at all? What if it is only a transformation that brings us back to our “home” that is filled with absolute love and compassion? If death were actually positive, then what we perceive as negativity is just an illusion. The negativity of death is clearly the suffering endured by the people who are left behind. The pain of loss is objectively “bad.” Yet this observation assumes that pain is also negative because it hurts. What if pain is necessary for spiritual growth? What if pain is really a gift that we don’t understand or appreciate while we experience it? If pain is not really negative and death is not really negative then it is hard to judge the reason for a particular atrocity. We may not have the whole story because we will never know the events on the timelines that never occurred.

The coexistence of opposites means that every negative event carries the elements of something positive. Pain, if endured, will transcend to pleasure and pleasure is never permanent. A belief in the cyclical movement of the universe means that we cannot be caught in a downward spiral without finding paradise at a later time.

However, we can fight the natural flow of opposites by holding onto the negativity and by refusing to allow its transformation. Our perceptions create our reality. We can see negativity in every positive event and we can ignore the positive that is imbedded in the negative. Many people believe that wealth is simply positive. Yet, wealth can lead to greed, a misuse of power or selfishness. We define material success as positive by ignoring the negative attributes that can follow.

We defined the marriage of Princess Diana and Prince Charles as positive without understanding the pain that was hidden beneath the surface. We learned to love the vulnerability of a princess who appeared to be perfect. The coexistence of weakness and strength made her lovable. We relate to the extremes of an unhappy princess because it more closely resembles reality. As soon as Princess Diana achieved the ability to love unconditionally, we lost the expression of her beauty and compassion when she died. Fairytales cannot exist in real life because nothing remains positive forever. No one can live happily ever after because it assumes that the positive can continue without encountering its negative. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage if we define perfection as perpetual happiness. Every marriage or love affair will face the cyclical nature of the good and the bad.

The perception of good and bad are simply labels that may not represent reality at all. We believe it is positive to be a famous movie star while they suffer the fate of a complete loss of privacy and continual criticism. Fame is always fleeting and there is the continual fear that its end may be near. Will our next accomplishment always be better than our last? It‘s easy to judge predicaments that we don’t understand. Everyone else’s life can appear better than our own if we fail to appreciate the positive attributes that we already have. It’s hard to appreciate good health until we are faced with illness. We focus on the negative attribute that is monopolizing our attention and forget that its opposite is also its natural evolution.

We need to understand that the transcendence from “good” to “bad” brings about the ultimate balance in the universe. Our life is continually about flow from one extreme to the other – from life to death – from poverty to wealth – from sickness to health, and from pain to pleasure. Depression fades and the euphoria of love turns into tears. The tears then dissolve into an entity that has transformed – just like a caterpillar evolves from the immovable “mush” of a cocoon to the flight of a beautiful butterfly. That is the true transformation of life -- the impermanence of our current circumstances. Faith helps us make the journey from one opposite to the other. If we can go with the flow of life without forcing our own insecurities and fears to affect the final outcome, we may find that there is beauty in pain and that the hard times we endure are only preparing us for the pleasure that lies ahead.

From Tao Te Ching, by Lao Tzu

When people see things as beautiful,

Other things become ugly.

When people see some things as good,

Other things become bad.

Being and non-being create each other.

Difficult and easy support each other.

Long and short define each other.

High and low depend on each other.

Before and after follow each other.

Therefore the Master

Acts without doing anything

And teaches without saying anything.

Things arise and she lets them come;

Things disappear and she lets them go.

She has but doesn’t possess,

Acts but doesn’t expect.

When her work is done, she forgets it.

That is why it lasts forever.

The Search for Meaning

2009-10-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

Finding meaning in life is our most important quest. A purposeless existence is tantamount to extinction. The easiest way to find meaning in life is to procreate. Our children provide a purpose to our existence. Though once they develop into individualized entities, our meaning seems to fade away. Some people find meaning through their jobs or they rationalize their worth on the basis of their large bank balances. Temporarily, we can convince ourselves of our indispensability to society but eventually, our self-importance starts to fade. The products we make become obsolete, the lawsuits won are only history, the services we provide are soon forgotten and our bank balances lose their importance (acquiring money feels like an accomplishment, while the seductive power of having money easily fades). What is truly meaningful in life? What is our real purpose for living?

In Victor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, he cites a study that showed that 89% of the people polled admitted that people need something to live for and 61% stated that there was someone or something they were willing to die for. Though these results are impressive, I wonder about the 11% who said they don’t need something to live for. What is the purpose of these people’s existence? As Nietzsche said, “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” In addition, is there really 39% of the population who wouldn’t die to preserve freedom? Is it better to be a slave to others than to fight for our liberty? Or are these people so afraid of death that this fear is more prevalent than risking their lives to secure our most precious values?

The people who have the easiest time finding meaning are people who are in professions that help other people survive. People who feed the poor in Africa or doctors who save lives (either physically or mentally) can rationalize their existence easier than people in other professions. However, helping people survive is not limited to certain occupations. When an entrepreneur starts a company, he or she is building a company that provides jobs. If the business fails (which happens 90% of the time), the entrepreneur loses faith that the enterprise had meaning. Yet, for a period of time, the new jobs ensured survival for a number of people. Without jobs, people cannot pay their rent, eat or pay bills. Without the dream of success, the entire organization would have been deprived of a scenario that provided meaning in their lives – even though this state of mind existed for only a short period of time.

Everything we need for survival depends on effort from a significant number of people. Even the shirt we wear on our backs started with an idea based on a prediction about the next trend in the market. A designer turns the idea into a drawing and a pattern maker provides the template for manufacturing (or the design is input on a computer). The design firm or wholesaler orders a sample and if accepted, production is ordered. A manufacturer then schedules production time and employs the necessary labor. The fabric, thread and buttons are made, purchased and delivered, materials are paid for, and a letter of credit is opened to pay for production. Seamstresses then turn the pattern into the garment, a quality control person ensures that the shirt meets specs, a factory worker packs the garment into a box, packing slips are produced, and the item is accounted for and invoiced. The box is then loaded on a truck and transported to a container at the dock. The container is loaded on a ship, financial people ensure that the item is accounted for, shipping is paid, insurance is secured, and the ship travels to its destination. The container clears customs and is unloaded. The garment is put on a truck, transported to a central warehouse where it is logged into the retailer’s computers (assuming a direct ship) and an invoice is received by the retailer. Before any of these actions occurred, the wholesaler had to approve the production sample and then the shirt is photographed, displayed in a catalog and samples are made. Salespeople schedule appointments, the shirt is sold to a retailer, and the item is advertised to the public. The retailer orders, tracks and accounts for the garment’s arrival to the store and the shirt is transported to the store’s stockroom and entered into inventory. The item is then unpacked, merchandisers stock the shelves, a salesperson sells the shirt, the cash register accounts for the sale and deducts the item from inventory. The retailer pays the invoice, the consumer’s money is transferred from a personal account or credit card company, the shirt ends up in someone’s closet and if charged, the customer receives a bill. Hundreds of people and at least 10 separate companies are involved to ensure that we have a shirt to wear. If we work on an assembly line, it is difficult to understand the value that we are creating for others but without us, the entire system comes to a halt.

Helping others survive can also be as simple as saying some kind words when someone feels insecure. Self-esteem keeps us psychologically sane and it is not always easy to develop internal security without some help from our friends and family. Without others in life, we can really be lonely and extreme loneliness can lead to self-destruction. Even the people who remain alone need to find purpose in something they contribute to this world. All of us contribute something, even if we don’t always recognize our contribution. Writers may be writing words that end up lost in a computer or they could be words that change someone’s life. Even if no one sees the words, they are an outlet for internal creativity and help connect writers to a universal power. Artists and musicians also feel connected to a higher power. We may not recognize the value of this connection but if we can enhance our personal growth through artistic and spiritual endeavors, we may be affecting others in ways that we don’t always understand. If we are all part of a unified entity, then each person’s internal growth enhances others’ spirituality and growth.

What if Monet had not found internal satisfaction in his art? What if he had stopped painting before a painting sold? What if he had been frustrated by the traditional art world’s criticism of the impressionist movement? If he did not have he courage of his convictions, the world would have been deprived of masterpieces that deeply move millions of people.

It is difficult to keep pursuing our dreams without understanding the value we provide. Some people’s brilliance goes unrecognized until after they are dead. Somehow, these people need to find meaning in something that does not appear to be appreciated by the general public. For example, the scientist who predicted the weather for Scott’s journey to the South Pole spent his whole life feeling that he had failed because Scott’s crew died due to unusually cold weather. He believed that they faced abnormal weather conditions, but without today’s sophisticated instruments, he didn’t know for sure. It turns out that his elementary predictions were only a few degrees off from typical weather in Antarctica. He never knew that the conditions faced by Scott happen only once out of every 15 years. He never knew the value of his scientific predictions. Consequently, he continually underestimated the value of his life’s work. Clockmaker John Harrison spent 40 years developing the chronometer, which is the instrument we use to measure longitude. He started the project in order to win a prize of 20,000 pounds from the British government’s Board of Longitude. He finally received the money three years before his death in 1776. He struggled for 40 years without the knowledge that he would ever succeed. He didn’t give up because he had confidence in himself and he believed that his life’s work had meaning.

Love clearly provides meaning to our lives. Loving another human being is the greatest gift for the recipient and the giver. People who feel that life has lost its purpose immediately feel fulfilled after finding love. Love is a magic “drug” that saves us from complacency. Everything seems to have a purpose when we are in love. This love can be obtained by helping a child or stranger in need -- or it can be expressed through the mystical connection we feel when we share time with a person who touches our hearts. We can never underestimate the value of love. Yet, love does not have to happen infrequently. It can be expressed every day of our lives. Intimacy is not only sexual; we can show our love to our neighbors, friends, nature, animals, the universe or ourselves.

The search for truth (either personal or interpersonal) can also provide meaning to our lives. Socrates believed that the search for truth was man’s greatest purpose in life and realizing the truth was man’s greatest achievement. Education through introspection, books, movies, documentaries, schooling and other people can help us find our way to the truth. The search for the truth moves us closer to God (or a higher power) and helps us to evolve emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. Our own growth becomes our purpose in life and offers us the ultimate reward. The value and meaning of personal evolution can never be minimized. When we learn something new or change ourselves for the better, we are on the path toward metamorphosis. We provide ourselves with the opportunity to rise above our humanity. When we die we will not be asked how much money we made or what jobs we held. We will be asked only three questions, 1) Relative to who you were when you entered your life, have you evolved spiritually? 2) Did you help ease the suffering for others? 3) Did you help make life better for the people who knew you?” Life is actually very simple (even though we have the tendency to view it as being complicated); we either grow and evolve or we don’t. Isn’t our real purpose in life to positively affect others and to change ourselves? Why wouldn’t our spiritual progress be the underlying meaning of life? Isn’t that the reason why we came here in the first place? In Words of Light, Spiritual Wisdom of the Dead Sea Scrolls, Hanson says, “ Trite as it may sound, purpose is essential to all labor. No mater what the financial reward, no matter what measure of prestige a career may promise, it must serve some higher goal. It must is some way have the potential of making the world a better place. Every individual must ask, quite simply: What was I put on this planet to do? When that question is answered then labor takes on an entirely new life.”

Some people define their purpose in life according to what others expect or in response to the demands or commands of others. The first scenario is the desire for conformity and the second example is a relinquishment to dictatorship or subservience. These people are defining their purpose in life relative to the demands of the external environment. While these individuals may feel that their lives have a purpose, they surely will not be happy. If the meaning of our existence is not determined by us, we will feel extreme frustration and resentment. It may be easier to let others dictate our lives, but it surely is not fulfilling.

Finding meaning is strongly correlated to a sense of belonging. Individuals need to feel that they belong to something greater than themselves. In the book, Words of Light, Spiritual Wisdom from the Dead Sea Scrolls, Kenneth Hanson says, “People today often live their lives in the midst of urban congestion and yet feel isolated, lonely, and alienated, even from those closest to them…One Harvard psychiatrist writes pointedly about the need for a ‘feeling that you belong, that you’re part of something larger than yourself.’ Be it a family, a neighborhood, a classroom, or a deep friendship, it is vital for emotional health that we feel that we belong, that we are wanted, that we are ‘connected.’” In modern society, we have lost the sense of being connected to the environment in which we live. On the other hand, in ancient societies, communal groups worked together to achieve common goals and the family unit was unified and focused on ensuring its survival. The mental health problems of anxiety and depression that are rampant in modern society were almost unheard of in olden times. We see similar comparisons today. For example, the suicide rates for the Western modernized world are monumentally higher than suicide rates in impoverished nations. It seems clear that the negative emotional states that are generated from a lack of belonging can bring about our own extinction.

Many people state that they need to do something meaningful in life. Often these people have the desire to create something that will “live” longer than they will. In a sense, this is a form of procreation that is just not human. These people give birth to personal thoughts, emotions, visions, ideas or dreams. Books, music, art, films, founding companies or defining history are examples of these immortal creations. There is also the benefit of creating something that can be appreciated by people who do not have a direct connection to the “creator.” For example, it can be extremely rewarding to know that someone is emotionally touched by a work of art when it would have been impossible to affect this person’s life without creating the painting or sculpture. Providing happiness to strangers can be very powerful. These immortal creations are fulfilling because creators can share their personal emotions or spirituality with people they don’t know and may never meet. These creations form an intimate bond with individuals who were previously inaccessible.

In today’s society, the chance of finding boredom is extremely high. Some people appear to be rushing around without enough time in the day, but perhaps they are merely creating distractions to avoid boredom. Do we really need to attend all those meetings? Are the deadlines arbitrary? Individuals without enough time in the day have a difficult time understanding the hell of having too much time. Since these people have not found balance when they are young, they are in for a rude awakening in old age when finding things to do is the greatest challenge. Meaning does not find us; we find meaning. Watching television does not give us meaning – it only occupies our time so that we don’t feel bored. Boredom is highly correlated with lacking purpose and even people who are steadily employed can relate to this misery. Serving hamburgers all day can create an existential vacuum.

Unemployment psychosis is extremely dangerous. People who are used to having value in their lives are suddenly faced with a purposeless existence. The pain is exacerbated by rejections and self-worth suffers dramatically. In 2003, an association in Massachusetts conducted a survey and found that 50% of IT workers had been unable to find an interview in 12 months. These people were hanging on by a thread. Their days were spent searching the Internet or calling search firms with no success. Their nights were spent at networking events. How do you find meaning when no meaning exists? When I have interviewed people who are working, they state that they could easily fill up the hours in a day even without a job. If their friends are also unemployed, this is probably true but if they are alone, it can be a frustrating experience. Finding charity work could fill the absence in our lives but often unemployment causes paralysis and we usually feel that all our time should be spent looking for a job. We need to understand that fear is the factor that leads to the feeling of meaningless. We will all eventually work again; we just don’t know when and we don’t know how we will survive until that day comes. Hope is the panacea that will eventually save us.

Lack of meaning leads to temporary survival techniques. Frankl states that 90 percent of the alcoholics suffered from “an abysmal feeling of meaningless” and 100 percent of drug addicts believed that “things seemed meaningless.” Temporary euphoria makes us forget. Exercise and sex can accomplish the same end result. I can’t blame a person for grabbing onto anything that appears to appease the problem. Unfortunately, we just don’t realize that these temporary solutions make the problem worse. We don’t feel more meaningful after inebriation – we actually feel less valuable through a decline in self-worth. Sex with a stranger is empty and insecurities about being desirable in the long-term rise to the surface. We aren’t fooling anyone – especially ourselves. We know we are hiding from our ultimate cure. Why is the search for a long-term solution so difficult? The first problem is the addiction to temporary cures. We don’t want to experience the lack of euphoria in addition to our feelings of inferiority. Major suffering occurs when we give up something that provides pleasure. After we get through that particular form of suffering, we then have the bigger problem to solve. Some people stay in unpleasant circumstances because the fear of recovery is debilitating.

Frankl states that meaning can be found by 1) creating work or doing a deed, 2) experiencing something or encountering someone, or 3) the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering. We control all of these solutions. The hardest thing to understand is the meaning of suffering. Victor Frankl survived Auschwitz because he was determined to stay alive to finish a manuscript he started. Whenever he felt a lack of purpose, he would start writing on scraps of paper. He found meaning in an environment of suffering. Suffering also provides us with the lesson of sacrifice. Learning what we can live without gives us appreciation for what we have. Through suffering, we grow. We just need to understand that suffering is temporary but the only way we will know its benefit is to survive its pain. Everything changes -- but if we give up, we will never know the end result.

In other words, suffering is actually a disguised blessing because of the challenge we face in surviving it. Scaling Mount Everest may be difficult but surviving suffering is a psychological crisis that has no parallel. Through suffering we learn and grow, and it offers more opportunities for spiritual evolution than any other challenge we will face in life. A friend related an interesting story to me that explained the gift of suffering. She recalled, “About 10 years ago, I was on a similar career path as a colleague of mine. At one point on this path, I decided to start my own company and my colleague took a job with an established company. Since the capital markets dried up and the economy went into a severe recession, I went from a position of financial security to a three-year struggle where I didn’t have enough money to pay my bills or rent, I had no health insurance and I barely had money for food. I finally understood true suffering and anxiety attacks became the norm. At the same time that I was extremely unfortunate, my colleague ended up being extremely lucky. He took a job with a company that had hit a trend and sales skyrocketed. He ended up making close to $1 million a year and with stock options would end up with at least $20 million after a few years work. In comparison, I initially felt that life was not particularly fair to me but then I realized that I had underestimated the value of my suffering. The experience gave me a chance to experience genuine psychological growth. On the other hand, my colleague would never have the chance to face the issues that I had faced during this three-year period. He would never understand the challenge of survival and he would never be provided with a similar opportunity for spiritual development. Though the suffering was extremely painful, it had meaning for me. It helped me to understand what is truly important in life, and it surely wasn’t money. Although I would never want anyone to experience the type of pain that I felt, I feel grateful for being able to stand so close to the edge of my existence. The experience will forever change me and I will never again be able to take anything for granted. Without being faced with the challenge of survival, I would not be who I am today. I am happy that my colleague will always live a comfortable life and I am happy for his success. Yet, at the same time, I feel a little sad that life has been so easy for him. His financial security may prevent him from seriously questioning his self-worth, his value to society, or the meaning of life. All of these questions are paramount to a person’s spiritual evolution. Maybe we just have different purposes in life. My path may be harder and may not be filled with external rewards but at least I will know that I can survive some of the toughest challenges in life. My self-importance will never be overrated and I will always be grateful for the smallest pleasures. The memory of the hell I experienced puts everything in perspective.”

Suicide is the ultimate escape from a life without meaning. Currently, the leading cause of premature death for men under 25 is suicide. If only these people could have survived long enough to know that life would eventually turn around. Happiness is right around the corner, but the hell of having time to suffer makes suicide victims give up hope. At concentration camps, a loss of hope led to death in 48 hours. People who commit suicide believe that death is better than a life of suffering. Yet, they are confused. They were not going to be exposed to a life of suffering – only a period of time when suffering monopolizes their daily existence. We cannot know how a movie ends if we turn it off after only 30 minutes. We cannot know the outcome of our suffering if we do not have the strength to survive it. We need to be able to look down the road. If we can survive this suffering, won’t we be proud of our internal strength? Wouldn’t it be exhilarating to know we can face the hardest challenges in life and survive? Running away does not solve problems. The problems just follow us until we are strong enough to deal with them (even though they may change form from time to time).

We also need to know that a lifeline can appear just when we have given up hope. A friend confessed that he seriously contemplated suicide during a period when he questioned his financial survival and felt that his life no longer had meaning. If something did not change quickly, he would be homeless at 50 (and this person was a graduate from Harvard Business School). He had planned to hang himself; he had bought the rope and was only three weeks away from committing the act. At the last minute, a business associate offered him a job, lent him money and gave him a company car. Even though his rescuer did not realize that he had just saved someone’s life, he did. If the business associate had not offered to help, my friend would not be alive today. It’s hard not to believe in a higher power when you hear these stories. Yet since my friend did not have faith in God, he also had no hope that a lifeline would magically appear. He did not have the peaceful feeling of certainty that the universe would protect him. I have seen the evidence of miracles many times in my life. No matter how bad things may get, a mystical solution often appears in the 11^th hour. I’ve learned that we need to continue believing in miracles even when we have no evidence that a solution will appear out of thin air.

We are the only ones who can define our purpose in life and we need to understand that our purpose can change every day that we are alive. Tomorrow we could lose our jobs, which will redefine our purpose. We could also lose someone we love. At the same time, we could meet the person of our dreams at the end of the week. We could meet someone who changes our lives at the end of the month. We could find a new job in the next few months. It’s easy to believe that everything will be the same tomorrow, but this philosophy simply is not true. We can force a scenario of stagnation but then we are fighting the natural flow of life.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease is a cliché that can apply to our lives. We can let external circumstances control us and define our purpose or we can take control over our direction in life. To find meaning in life doesn’t have to be difficult; we just need to have faith, hope, and a belief in ourselves. We also need to continually connect to the people in our lives and to open our hearts to strangers. Someone once told me that he had enough friends so he wasn’t looking to develop relationships with anyone new. I felt sad for him. We can never know the potential impact of someone if we automatically shut people out of our lives. The search for meaning is a continual process of discovery and exploration. What is meaningful when we are young can be irrelevant when we are older. The search for meaning is an endless search that is affected by every person and every situation that we encounter every day of our lives.