The "I Need To Be
Right"
Way of Thinking”
Way of Thinking”
Lynne Namka, Ed. D. © 2002
In 2016, This
article could be renamed “The Donald Trump Way of Thinking”
One
of life's biggest set-ups for being lonely is living with the erroneous belief
that your way is the best way of doing things and insisting others agree with
you. Some people seem to have taken a life course called, How To Be Absolutely
Sure of Everything! It's like their reality testing mechanism is stuck on
"It so because I think it is so." People who feel constantly
threatened and angry when others question their actions substitute being right
for living a happy life. Living daily always on the defense, being in charge of
the rights and wrongs of the Universe, is no fun!
Wanting
and insisting on getting your own way is a set up for unhappiness. Rigidity in
thinking leads to power struggles or submission from others and distancing. As
Andre' Maurois said, "Everything that is in agreement with our personal
desires seems true. Everything that is not puts us in a rage." People who
are prone to anger have a set pattern of beliefs, attitudes, expectations and
behaviors that insist on getting their own way. They have a strong case of the
"shoulds" and "musts" for others. They believe that there
is a certain way that others should act and become angry when their
expectations are not met. They need to be seen as good, innocent and superior
in their knowledge and how things should be done. They may use charm or anger
and intimidation to get their way.
A
system is two or more individuals who interact. A couple, a family, a
neighborhood and our planet are all examples of systems. Systems can be put on
a continuum from open to closed. In open systems, people talk and exchange
ideas and feedback so the people stretch and grow. A closed system is one which
keeps new information out to protect the status quo. Closed systems do not
stretch because no new ideas are allowed in. The feedback loop continues the
same way of thinking, precluding change and growth. The person who needs to be
right all of the time is a closed system big time! He cannot allow his ideas to
be challenged shuts down input from others. People in closed systems are rarely
happy. Unfortunately, the need to be right is accompanied with a rigid stance
and anger. Others distance from them and they cannot experience intimacy and
connection. They cannot understand why their partner is so angry with them--their
rationale is that the partner should just change! They do not want to be
confused with facts when their mind is made up!
The
ego always acts to preserve the sense of well-being and sets up defenses to
avoid feeling fragmented. Turning the problem around and blaming the other
person is a defense that reduces inner tension. Putting the problem outside of
one's self brings up more feelings of self righteousness. The unwanted parts of
the self are projected outward on others as an ego defense against internal
feeling of anxiety that conflict brings up. In severe cases, reality is
distorted, aspects of memory forgotten and fantasy created. The person assumes
that others are out to do them in. Defenses protect the person's sense of well
being. Defenses keep the pseudo self-worth that has been built on
self-righteous beliefs from plummeting.
People
who must defend their rightness are often preoccupied with imagined
shortcomings of others and perceived attacks form them. They often feel
betrayed by others. They justify their criticizing and blaming others to avoid
the insight that they themselves might be in error. They fear losing power and
will use anger to keep others from asserting themselves. Life becomes miserable
for the family because it is fear and control based.
It's
part of being human to want to have our way. We all have a touch of the need to
be right and control others. We all have areas of self-righteousness where we
believe that we know better than others. To the extent that this need to be
right and resulting defensiveness permeates one's life, the less connected you
will be with others. It's sad, but true, the more of you have of the following
characteristics of rigidity of thought, the more anger and disapproval you will
get from others:
§ An insatiable need to
be right which masks a deep fear of being wrong
§ A high need to expect
others to see it your way
§ An inability to say,
"I don't know." and "I was wrong."
§ Feeling threatened
when new ideas come from other people
§ Fear of hearing new
information that threatens your beliefs
§ Fear of letting go;
need to be in control of self at all times
§ Preoccupation with
winning approval from others
§ The need to always be
seen as tough, powerful and strong
§ Pride at always being
rational and logical
§ Uncomfortable with
expressing sensitive feelings
§ Shame and fear of
being vulnerable and insecure
§ Fear and severe
discomfort about having bad feelings
§ Believe that others
who disagree with you are wrong and should "just get over it"
§ Use charm, anger,
withdrawal or blaming to settle arguments
The Archie Bunker Style--The Fear of Feelings
Fear
is the major dynamic operating in this condition. People who have the need to
be right usually are very strong physically. They are not usually afraid of the
most common fears of physical pain, heights, snakes, public speaking, etc.
Their hidden fear is feeling vulnerable, emotional and out of control. They
have a low tolerance for emotional pain and cannot tolerate feelings of shame.
They use the sense of being right as a narcotic for uncomfortable feelings.
They feel threatened when other people bring up a differing point of view--this
is the fear of being wrong. Freud called this dynamic "omnipotence of
thought." He considered it a psychological defense to avoid inner anxiety
and a sense of becoming fragmented when there is disagreement.
The
"need to be right" defense was probably learned early in life when
you did not have power and someone else was critical, angry or abusive with you
or others in your household. Refusing to yield to the needs of others is
learned by the young child as he observes that mean adults or bullies, who were
the loudest and angries, often got their way. The child learns that putting
power trips on others is rewarded. He then rationalizes that this is okay, and
it becomes a habit whenever he feels threatened inside. Defending against
taking in new information becomes a generalized way of thinking and acting that
comes up whenever there is a threatening situation. Others yield to avoid your
anger and you inadvertently shut down avenues of growth for yourself. New
information is squelched. Refusing to hear new data closes down your mind and
your consciousness.
People
who cannot feel and express emotions are called repressors in the psychological
literature. Uncomfortable emotions are repressed so that they do not have to be
known and experienced. Repressing of the negative emotions is more likely to be
found in men and may be related to high levels of testosterone, the male
hormone. A new study of 1704 men aged 40 to 70 suggests that men who have high
levels of testosterone in their blood are less happy in life. High testosterone
levels often results in aggressive behavior and alienation of other people. Men
high in this male hormone have double the divorce rates of men low in the
hormone. Men who have an inability to connect on a deep level with others often
cover this up with a sense of bravado and aloofness. The higher testosterone
powered men in the study reported finding less pleasure in life and did not
look forward to the future. Most often, this stance softens as the person grows
older and learns to express feelings.
Defensive Coping
Strategies of
People Who Need to be Right
People Who Need to be Right
§ Braced
yourself and constricted your energies to avoid invasion from another person's
words or actions
§ Thought
"You can't tell me what to do and I don't have to listen" when a
parent or teacher corrected you
§ Felt
overly proud at being rational and logical at the expense of being intuitive
and experiencing feelings
§ Needed
be seen as tough, powerful and strong
§ Decided
that your ideas were better than others so shut their opinions off
§ Became
angry when you expected others to see things your way and agree with you and
they didn't
§ Felt
embarrassed about admitting and saying"I don't know." and "I was
wrong."to yourself and others
§ Felt
threatened when you feared you were wrong
§ Judged
others harshly when they disagreed with you
§ Became
overwhelmed when information presented was too much to process
§ Felt
threatened when new ideas came from someone else
§ Feared
hearing about new information that threatened your beliefs
§ Feared
letting go of control of a task to someone else
§ Devalued
the sensitivity and feelings of others
§ Felt
uncomfortable with your expressing sensitive feelings
§ Felt
discomfort about having bad feelings
§ Felt
entitled in doing what you had to do to get others to go along with you
§ Decided
that someone who disagreed with you should "just get over it"
§ Used
smiling and charm insincerely to get win another person to your point of view
§ Started
blaming and putting the other person down to settle the argument
§ Feared
the anxiety and feeling fragmented when there was disagreement
§ Felt
satisfied and pleased because you manipulated someone to get your way
§ Overrode
the boundaries that someone else was trying to set
§ Refused
to see the problem from the other person's perspective
§ Responded
with sarcasm instead of trying to solve the problem
§ Decided
that the issue didn't affect you and assumed it did not affect others
§ Argued
your point of view in thoughts or words and refused to hear the alternate
argument
§ Badgered
and intimidated someone to shut him down
§ Became
agitated and stubbornly attached when your ideas were attacked
§ Became
irritated at an assumption of the other person and stopped listening
§ Minimized
the importance of a personal problem you were being confronted with
§ Refuse
to deal with a problem because you thought it was temporary
§ Refused
to ask for help on a hard problem and decided you needed to do it all yourself
§ Refused
to ask for help on a task because you were embarrassed
§ Lied
and falsified data to convince people you were right