Happiness vs. Pleasure

In The Declaration of Independence, our forefathers stated, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.” That one line summarizes the priorities of humanity. Our lives are sacred, we will always be free and .we must be able to find happiness in whatever way that we choose. I’ve always been surprised that happiness is assumed as a basic right when it can be one of the most difficult attributes to attain. Furthermore, many people continually confuse happiness with pleasure. It’s interesting that the Declaration of Independence did not use the words, “Pursuit of Pleasure.” Did our forefathers discuss the subtle distinction between happiness and pleasure?

The primary difference between the two attributes is that pleasure is external and happiness is internal. Pleasure is an event, while happiness is a state of mind.

Pleasure often provides an environment for happiness, but there are no guarantees. Someone can be extremely unhappy while experiencing pleasure; and someone can be happy even though external circumstances are unpleasant. I’ve often asked people, “Which is easier, happiness or pleasure?” Almost everyone tells me that pleasure is easier to obtain; but I’m still not convinced.

Pleasure depends on many elements that are beyond our control. We can select the best restaurant in town, but the experience can still be unpleasant if the service is bad.

On the other hand, happiness is an attitude that is always within our control. We choose when, where, how and why to be happy and nobody can interfere with that decision. We can choose to be happy even when we are experiencing financial problems, because we can decide not to worry about them. We can reflect on positive memories at any time and happiness appears. We do not even have to do anything to be happy. We can be alone at home or among a crowd.

The Dalai Lama says, “If we have a positive mental attitude, then even when surrounded by hostility, we shall not lack inner peace. On the other hand, if our mental attitude is more negative, influenced by fear, suspicion, helplessness or self-loathing, then even when surrounded by our best friends, in a nice atmosphere and comfortable surroundings, we shall not be happy.”

As Epicurus stated in ancient Greece (342-280 BC), one of the easiest routes for developing a positive mental attitude is by enjoying the simple pleasures in life. Simple pleasures can easily transcend to ultimate happiness. Through simplicity, we are reminded of the immortal happiness of youth and the pleasures that we experienced when we were young can be just as pleasurable as adults. I learned this one night as I was playing a game of Risk with a friend. I hadn’t played Risk since I was a child. The game was pleasurable but the internal happiness that was stimulated by enjoying this simple pleasure was immeasurable.

Happiness is strongly influenced by living in the present, rather than the past or the future. The present is the moment we enjoy. The second we think of the past or the future, we miss the pleasure of the present. Diversions of the past bring regret or longing and a focus on the future brings worries, fantasies or expectations (all of which may never come to pass). The night before my friend Bob committed suicide, I was enthusiastically talking to him about his future. He asked me to stop because he just wanted the opportunity to appreciate our dinner. At the time, I did not know why a conversation about the future would be disturbing but after he died, I learned to appreciate the value of the moment. The happiness that we shared that night was my last opportunity to appreciate Bob in this lifetime

No one can judge whether or not we are happy, even though many people assume they can. A close friend once told me, “I lost my job and as a result, I had to move out of my apartment. Immediately, other people assumed I was unhappy. Everyone pitied me for a depression that I never experienced. The loss of my job did not affect the way I saw the world or myself. It shocked me that no one even asked if I was unhappy because they just took it for granted that happiness and pleasure were synonymous. My happiness has never been defined by external events but since everyone else uses the external environment to define their internal state of mind, they just naturally assumed that I was the same. It was so frustrating for me to keep hearing about how unhappy I was when it couldn’t have been further from the truth.”

Self-esteem is an extremely important component of happiness. If a woman believes that her weight is a problem, continual pleasure cannot make her happy. If a man believes that his income is too low, he may feel that happiness is impossible without financial security. Even when people find the object that defines their “happiness,” they can still be unhappy. Sadly, they eventually realize that external objects can never fill an emptiness that results from a lack of internal fulfillment.

Kelly is a woman who strongly correlates her definition of personal success with her marital status. When she was single she was always unhappy, irrespective of the other events that were occurring in her life. Her dates were similar to job interviews and every man was treated as a potential prospect. Kelly eventually got married to a man who was attractive and successful, but they had little in common. For a while, just the act of getting married seemed to provide happiness; but a few months after the initial thrill wore off, Kelly realized she didn’t love the man she married. Even though she thought she should be happy because she was married, Kelly was now unhappy because she hadn’t found love. The emptiness that appeared was much harder to fill. She felt she couldn’t leave her husband because she couldn’t face the failure of divorce, but she never felt fulfilled by her marriage. To this day, Kelly is still searching for elusive happiness through external events. Her happiness appears to be a roller coaster ride that is tied to the latest act of pleasure.

Expectations are also highly correlated with happiness. If expectations are unrealistic, it can be impossible to feel satisfied. Expectations are also tied to pleasure. If we expect that our friends will join us for dinner, it can be very disappointing when they don’t arrive. However, if we expect that our friends are unreliable, their absence cannot affect the way we feel about the situation. Managing expectations in a relationship is one of the key ingredients for happiness.

Some people believe that it is better to eliminate expectations altogether. Without expectations, we can never be disappointed or unhappy. Yet, expectations give us hope, help us set goals for ourselves (and others) and they can directly influence reality. For example, if we expect nothing, we may get exactly what we expect – nothing. If we expect greatness, we may actually find it or create it ourselves. If a company expects sales of $100 million, it implements a strategy and tactics for achieving this expectation. If the same company expects sales of $300 million, different strategies and tactics could aggressively increase sales. If we expect that we will never fall in love, we probably won’t. If we expect happiness, we will probably find it. Managing expectations is very different from giving them up entirely.

Typically, success is not defined in a vacuum; it is defined in relation to other people’s successes. Managing expectations for happiness means that we choose the appropriate measurements for comparison. For example, a baseball player who makes $3 million a year is viewed as wealthy by most of America. However, this baseball player can be extremely dissatisfied if his team players make $6 million a year. Being rich is unimportant; instead, the gratification of monetary success is more dependent on how one feels about his or her income. Many people may feel extreme pleasure after receiving a million dollars but that pleasure quickly fades as they become accustomed to the additional income. The happiness achieved from the increased income can quickly turn to dissatisfaction if unrealistic comparisons are used to define success. A person who makes $50,000 make feel wealthy if he compares himself to people who make only $20,000 a year. However, the same income can lead to unhappiness if it is compared to people who make $100,000 or more. In essence, we determine our happiness by choosing our measurements for comparison. If we were able to spend time living in a poor village in Africa, our own economic circumstances would be greatly appreciated. Happiness about our current economic situation would be enhanced by choosing an appropriate comparison and these comparisons are completely within our control.

Since happiness is within our control, there are special activities that we can do to create happiness. For example, if relaxation makes us happy, we can schedule a facial or massage. If exploration makes us happy, we can plan a trip to Europe. Since increased self-esteem is correlated with happiness, regular exercise or wearing our favorite clothes can help us feel more fulfilled. Meditation is an extremely important activity that can always be used to obtain happiness. The pleasurable act of meditation harmonizes the mind and body, which creates the happiness of inner peace. In essence, we can create correlations between happiness and pleasure even if they don’t necessarily have to exist.

As pleasure can evoke happiness, the absence of pleasure can bring about unhappiness. Deepak Chopra says that pleasure is obtained through external stimuli and when the stimulus is withdrawn, we become unhappy. “Studies have shown that newborn babies, for example, like to have pretty dangling things in their surroundings. A mobile with ten shiny objects on it will cause a baby to gurgle and laugh when it’s placed over the crib. However, if you take away eight of the dangles and leave behind only two, the baby will cry in loud protest…there can be no sense of security in your existence when it depends on outside factors, for the unpredictable changes of reality can never be controlled. The solution is to find happiness beyond pleasure, since pleasure seeking can never be made independent of outside stimulus.”

Lasting happiness usually occurs when individuals find meaning in their lives or their true “calling.” Inner peace is experienced any time the activity is pursued. For example, if someone is a talented painter, the act of painting is not only pleasurable, but it also provides a strong sense of inner fulfillment. Joseph Campbell says, “The way to find out about your happiness is to keep your mind on those moments when you feel most happy, when you really are happy – not excited, not just thrilled, but deeply happy. This requires a little bit of self-analysis. What is it that makes you happy? Stay with it, no matter what people tell you. This is what I call following your bliss.”

Continual happiness can also be found through feeling grateful for everything that is a part of life. If we continually appreciate other people, ourselves, the sun, nature, food and shelter, or any of the basic necessities of life, then happiness can be found every day that we are alive.

Many people don’t realize that extreme happiness results from altruism or unselfishness. Since happiness and pleasure are focused on satisfying the ego, it is difficult to understand that by giving up the ego, we can feel extremely fulfilled. If my day’s events are disturbing, I know that I can obtain happiness simply by helping one of my neighbors take out the trash. Making someone else happy is often the most effective way to find it ourselves. Lao Tzu has stated, “The Master has no possessions. The more he does for others, the happier he is. The more he gives to others, the wealthier he is.”

Another important realization is that other people can never be responsible for our own happiness. Relinquishing responsibility for providing personal satisfaction is too great of a burden to place on any other human being. We are the only ones who can ensure internal fulfillment. If we require continual pleasure from others, they will always be unsuccessful. According to Brian Weiss, MD in his book, Messages from the Masters, “Happiness comes from within. It is not dependent on external things or on other people. You become vulnerable and can be easily hurt when your feelings of security and happiness depend on the behavior and actions of other people. Never give your power to anyone else.” The act of demanding pleasure from someone as a means for finding happiness is also a downward spiral because the other person feels inadequate. If one person in a relationship feels incapable of providing happiness, the relationship will fail. I have never understood the comment “I want to end the relationship with my boyfriend because he doesn’t make me happy.” How could a human being make someone else happy? The person can provide pleasure and through love, the couple can find happiness; but one human being can never be responsible for the happiness of another.

Seeking pleasure is often used just to avoid unhappiness. This tactic is deceptive because unhappiness is not the always the opposite of happiness (many people who are not happy are also not unhappy – they may just be indifferent). For example, the cocktail hour can temporarily conceal distress. Yet, inebriation only dulls the senses so that underlying disappointments are ignored. The resulting pleasure makes us think we have found happiness, but it is only a disguise. In essence, pleasure is an ephemeral euphoria, while happiness is an everlasting ecstasy.

The pleasure of sex can also delude people into thinking that have found happiness and since sex is accompanied by physical orgasm, the body is fooled. Furthermore, sex can deceptively increase self-worth by convincing insecure people that they are desired by others; and sexual conquests can compensate for feelings of inadequacy. Yet pleasure is temporary, so the feelings of increased self-worth quickly fade. Like an addict in search of a “fix,” the need for validation leads to recurring sexual escapades where the dosage of ego-fulfillment needs to increase with every conquest.

People may think they are completely fulfilled without knowing that they aren’t really happy. This example was portrayed in the movie Family Man. Nicolas Cage thought he had everything he wanted. He was successful and rich and could have any pleasure that he desired. He thought he was happy until he was provided with a “glimpse” of his life if he had taken another path. The alternative path had allowed him to find love, which he found to be superior to materialistic pleasures. When he returned to his previous life, he had to accept that his pleasurable life was actually unfulfilling.

Often we don’t even realize that we are unhappy because we don’t know what we are missing. Yet, once the source of inner fulfillment is discovered, we finally realize that we never understood the true definition of happiness before. This is similar to the cliché that ignorance is bliss. As long as we ignore the dreams that we never pursued, we can be fooled by believing that we are happy, when we are only capable of experiencing temporary pleasure.

Happiness may be transitory, but the ability to obtain happiness can last forever. Happiness appears when the conditions are appropriate or when people choose to find inner fulfillment, but it can easily disappear when unpleasant distractions materialize. For example, if happiness is achieved, it can be quickly eliminated by the pain of physical injury. The physical pain requires immediate attention, which eliminates feelings of internal peace. Long periods of illness or the loss of a loved one can also interfere with our desire for happiness. It is important to realize that the ability to find happiness never goes away; external circumstances may just delay its expression for a period of time.

Whereas, happiness may be temporarily restrained by our injuries, a lack of happiness can actually create physical illness. In the book, The Pursuit of Happiness, David Meyers says, “Our body’s immune system fights disease more effectively when we are happy rather than depressed. When we are depressed, the number of certain disease-fighting cells declines. Stressed animals and distressed or depressed people are therefore more vulnerable to various illnesses.” Thus, the unhappiness syndrome becomes a downward spiral -- when we are unhappy, we are more likely to get ill and when we are ill, we are more likely to become unhappy.

Every time we feel unhappy, we are reminded to appreciate our good health. Unfortunately, this tactic is usually unsuccessful. Good health is like wealth. The absence of the attribute causes unhappiness but the reverse is not always true. Studies have shown that wealth and good health usually do not increase happiness because they are viewed as “steady-state” conditions. Yet, after we lose our health or wealth, we become extremely grateful for the times that our physical and financial well-being were secure.

I have always been confused by the common question, “Are you happy?” People ask the question as though they are asking about the weather. Yet, it is an extremely complicated and difficult question to answer. The accurate question is, “Are you able to find inner peace?” Or “Are you satisfied with your life?” Many people find it hard to be “happy” continually. Individuals merely have the potential to find happiness at any moment they choose. The answer could be, “I am happy when I write,” or “I am happy with my relationship,” or “I am happy when I work,” or “I am happy in this present moment” but it is difficult to experience perpetual happiness (though not impossible). When people ask, “Are you happy?” they are typically asking whether your life has more pleasure than displeasure at that point in time. Yet, an ordinary day is filled with a mixture of enjoyable and disappointing moments. To accurately answer the question, we would have to measure the time that we feel pleasure vs. the time that we don’t. If the majority of time were pleasurable, then the answer would be yes. However, the question is difficult to answer because most people are not counting the minutes of pleasure they experience every day.

The question is also not really a question. Most people just want to hear that we are happy because it makes them feel better about our present circumstances. If someone answers “no” to the question, there is a look of shock or dismay on the other person’s face. Most people do not know how to deal with a “no” answer and their natural reaction is one of pity or condemnation. They say things like, “Why aren’t you happy? What’s the matter? What can I do?” We begin to believe that we are always supposed to be “happy” and if we are not, then something is wrong with us. The expectation of perpetual happiness just isn’t realistic. To avoid judgment, many people answer “yes” to the question, even if the reverse is true. In fact, studies have shown that most people are unhappy even if they don’t admit it. David Meyers says, ”Dennis Wholey (author of Are you Happy) reports that experts he interviewed believe that perhaps 20 percent of Americans are happy. ‘I’m surprised!’ responded psychologist Archibald Hart…’I would have thought he proportion was much lower!” Father John Powell agrees: ‘One-third of all Americans wake up depressed every day. Professionals estimate that only 10 to 15 percent of Americans think of themselves as truly happy.’”

Continual happiness is a rare experience but when it occurs, it is magical. For example, after an enlightenment experience, a person can feel continual happiness for days. It is a state of perpetual ecstasy. All negative emotions simply disappear and nothing external can interfere with the inner peace that results from the experience. Infatuation can have the same effect. There is a sense of continual bliss that overshadows the day-to-day inconveniences. Sustaining continual happiness over a longer period of time is more difficult. After enlightenment, a state of normalcy reappears and infatuation eventually fades. Yet, once these states are discovered, they can reappear. The inner peace of enlightenment can be ignited through meditation and infatuation can evolve to the happiness of love.

Unfortunately, American society has convinced consumers that happiness can easily be obtained through the purchase of material goods. Advertising campaigns and displays of wealth make people believe that happiness and material goods are correlated, when in fact, the opposite is true. The need to acquire items in response to psychological distress is a temporary solution that provides pleasure for only a short period of time. In the long term, the acquired items have no relation to happiness and can negatively affect happiness if financial security is compromised. The desire for shopping starts at a very young age. My 12-year-old niece derives extreme satisfaction from going to the mall. As a society, we have the responsibility to curb the desire for material goods. We need to teach children how to find happiness through love, friendship and sharing or by encouraging them to express their talents or to pursue non-materialistic endeavors.

Happiness is often derived from sharing positive experiences with people we care about. Yet, technological advances are actually separating people rather than bringing them together. For example, a hundred years ago, families spent most of their time together without interruptions from external sources. Now there are over 100 cable channels that distract us from pursuing happiness or computer activities that shut us off from the rest of the world. The Internet has connected people all over the world, but we seem to be more connected to web pages than other people. Technological progress is not negative, but how we use technology can have a negative impact on our ability to find internal fulfillment.

The following chart compares happiness to pleasure. It seems that pleasure may be easier to obtain in the short term, but more difficult to sustain over time. On the other hand, happiness seems difficult to find initially, but it is always accessible, it is within our control and it can create lasting benefits.

Happiness	Pleasure
Thinking about Capri, Italy	Vacationing in Capri, Italy
Anticipating a great dinner	Eating a great dinner
Love	Sex
Wisdom	Reading insightful material
Acceptance	Hearing a compliment
Kindness and trust	Helping someone or being helped
Feeling of euphoria, altered consciousness	Drugs, alcohol, meditation, exercise
Growth	Introspection
Connecting with the universe	Looking at the moon on a clear night
Accomplishment	Finishing a term paper or project
Connection with nature	Squirrel eats out of your hand
Fantasy	Seeing a good movie
Spirituality	Prayer or meditation
Increased self-esteem	New clothes, facial, haircut
Hope and faith	Spiritual religious service
Balance and relaxation	A warm bath or massage
Security	Paying off a credit card bill
Affection	Hugging an animal
Success	Job promotion or raise
Exploration	Driving through Europe

I’ve always heard the quote that “happiness is a warm blanket,” but it took me a long time to realize that it wasn’t true. The warm blanket provides pleasure; and the rest is up to us. How we feel under that blanket can include affection, love, security, or simply the desire to avoid the cold.

Nothing can buy happiness except an internal commitment to find it in our souls. Happiness is always waiting for us to pull the trigger. If the external distractions get in the way, we need to find a quiet place, breathe slowly and find the peace that lies in our hearts. We were born to be happy and we need to face the challenge of finding happiness in every act of pleasure, in every human being and with every creation of the universe. Happiness inevitably results from the recognition of our unity with God and every manifestation of His creations. Our connection to the unity of the spiritual universe creates a transcendent happiness that completely surpasses temporal pleasure.

In the book, The 72 Names of God, Yehuda Berg says, “Too often we confuse temporary pleasure with enduring happiness because the trappings of the physical world are highly seductive and potent. When we are able to distinguish between the two, we will find true happiness. Pleasure is usually associated with the egocentric desires, whereas happiness is linked to the longings of the soul. By and large, our desires emerge from the selfish side of our nature. What we covet is not necessarily what will bring us lasting fulfillment. Happiness eludes us when we chase after what we want, as opposed to what we need. Our desires and cravings generally bring misfortune and turmoil after the initial pleasures and immediate gratifications have worn off. We find true happiness when our lives are spent transcending our ego-based impulses to steadfastly pursue what our souls need for transformation and elevation.”

I still wonder whether our forefathers focused on the subtle differences between happiness and pleasure when they wrote the Declaration of Independence. When I ask people what they want most in life, they usually say, “I want to be happy.” Does the persistent desire for happiness imply that for many of us, it is still unfulfilled? What if we said to people, “This week you are free from all obligations. Now go forward and pursue happiness.” Would they know what to do? Wouldn’t their thoughts be focused on finding pleasure, instead? The pursuit of happiness does not need to be difficult and we don’t need a week’s vacation to find it. The Dalai Lama believes that the purpose of life is to be happy and as he said in his book, Ethics for the New Millennium, “The desire or inclination to be happy…knows no boundaries. It is in our nature. “