Confronting Grief

When someone close to us dies, our natural tendency is to remain strong. Intellectually, we know that there is nothing we can do to change the situation since we cannot bring the person back to life. Yet, in the long run, being brave can be extremely detrimental. Our courage can imprison the release of the heart-breaking pain that needs overt expression. If despair and sorrow are repressed, the hidden pain can explode into a serious depression that only appears to be unrelated to the emotions that we were trying to circumvent. We may also make irrational life-altering decisions as a subterfuge; or as a ploy that deceives us into believing that we have escaped the pain that we are trying to avoid.

It is difficult to face the fact that we will never be able to call our loved ones on the phone and that they will not be around to share the important events in our lives. Unmarried women who have lost their fathers need to face the pain that they will be walking down the aisle alone. Sons who have lost their fathers need to feel pain that their next promotion or accomplishment will not receive accolades from a person they depended on for encouragement. If the children craved approval from one or both parents, the loss of a parent can paralyze the desire for success or create a dark abyss in the search for meaning in life. A wife who loses her husband will never be able to hear him say, “I love you,” or hold her in his arms. If there’s something she thinks he might want to know, she has to keep the information to herself. She will never again feel the warmth of his touch or the serenity of his smile.

Attempts to avoid feeling grief exacerbate the problem because the pain is not alleviated until it is confronted. Even after the pain is faced, the sorrow can continue forever. Grief that is concealed expresses itself in ways that are subtle and difficult to understand. A good example of this was described in The Art of Happiness: “Randall lost his father to cancer a little over a year ago. He was quite close to his father, and at the time everyone was surprised by how well he was taking the death. ‘Of course I’m sad’ he explained in a stoic tone. ’But really I’m fine. I’ll miss him, but life goes on. And anyway, I can’t focus on missing him right now; I have to arrange the funeral and take care of his estate for my mom… But I’ll be fine,’ he reassured everyone. One year later, however, shortly after the anniversary of his father’s death, Randall began to spiral into a severe depression. He came to me and explained, ‘I just can’t understand what is causing this depression. Everything seems to be going well right now. It can’t be the death of my father, he died over a year ago, and I’ve come to terms with his death.’ With very little therapy it became clear, however, that in struggling to keep a tight reign on his emotions, in order to ‘be strong,’ he had never fully dealt with his feeling of loss and grief. These feelings continued to grow until finally manifesting as an overpowering depression that he was forced to deal with. In Randall’s case, his depression lifted rather quickly as we focused on his pain and feelings of loss, and he was able to fully confront and experience his grief.”

Death is extremely difficult to deal with because we are not sure what happens to people when they die. Even if our faith tells us that they are “alive” in another existence, it is hard to be certain of something we cannot see, feel, hear or touch. Often we feel the presence of someone who has died long after he or she is gone, but we can believe that this is wishful thinking. It takes an inordinate amount of strength to believe that someone is there when you are looking at empty space.

People who have strong beliefs in the afterlife often have an easier time dealing with death. These people still feel the pain of the loss, but they understand that their pain is basically selfish. Obviously, we want the people who have died to be in our physical plane because we miss them. Yet, if we believe in the afterlife, we know that the person who died is experiencing more joy and happiness than what was possible on earth. We also realize that time is just an illusion. We will see this person again when we make the transition from life to death. It may feel like the time lasts forever, but it is only relative to our experience with time.

Socrates never believed in death. Instead, he believed that the soul is immortal. He was always careful to make the distinction between the body and the soul. The body may die, but the soul lives forever. After Socrates was sentenced to death, he tried to explain this concept to Crito. In Constantine Cavamos’s book, Plato's View of Man, he quotes a passage that explains the response of Socrates to Crito’s request for burial instructions. "I cannot persuade Crito, my friends, that I am the same Socrates who is now conversing and ordering each part of the argument; he thinks that I am the other Socrates, whom he will later see a dead body, and he asks how he will bury me. And though I have said just now a great deal indicating that after I drink the poison I shall no longer remain with you, but will go away to the joys of the blessed, he seems to think that I mean something else, that I am merely comforting you and myself. Therefore, be surety for me to Crito...that I shall not remain when I die, but shall go away in order that he may bear my death more easily, and not be grieved when he sees my body being burned or buried, as if I were undergoing tribulations, or say at the burial that he is laying out Socrates, or is following him to the grave, or is burying him. Realize excellent Crito, that not speaking rightly is not only an offense, but also infects the soul with evil. You must be of good courage then and say that you are burying my body."

I actually feel closer to people after they die because I realize that they can be with me anytime I need them. On the physical plane, there are distances that separate us. In the ethereal world, they can be there instantaneously. I also feel that there is someone who can help me in ways that I don’t understand. On earth, our help is limited to the physical reality. In the next dimension, the help that others provide can be magical.

For many people, dealing with grief seems pointless. This is especially true for men who tend to be problem solvers. They know they cannot solve the problem, so they avoid thinking about it or they use external distractions to subvert their pain. Many men monopolize their time with work or sports. Others make extreme life changes as an elaborate ploy for avoiding the pain of grief. A common tactic is to become involved in a love affair following the loss, especially if the sufferers lost a parent who they depended on for emotional support. The psychological “high” of infatuation or falling in love can appear to compensate for the intense pain of grief. This tactic is a subversive form of avoidance and can be extremely deceptive. As an associate explained: “A friend of mine lost his father and he appeared to be dealing with the loss exceptionally well. His absence of intense grief surprised me because he depended on his father for approval and he was extremely close to him. A month later, he became emotionally involved with a woman, which seemed to be a rebound reaction to the loss of his father. Even though he downplayed the relationship, he asked her to marry him only four months later. Their wedding was only a year after his father died. It was obvious that the ecstasy of falling in love distracted him from facing the pain of his father’s death. When his father was alive, he said that he wasn’t ready for marriage, but then his father died and he married the next person he dated. It wasn’t a coincidence. He was using the marriage as a way of avoiding the pain.”

I also met a guy who seemed like he was dealing well with his father’s death. In fact, he seemed so “together” that I thought his father must have died long ago. There was no emotion in his eyes when he mentioned his father’s death. He talked about it like he was talking about yesterday’s sports scores. At the time, he told me that he worked in forensics so I assumed that his profession made him de-emotionalize death and I hypothesized that he was doing the same with his own father’s death. I later learned from a mutual friend that his father had died only a few months earlier and that the forensics profession that he created was only a lie. At first, I was a bit disappointed that he had created a false “identity,” but the disappointment quickly turned to compassion. I couldn’t help but think that he created the forensics occupation as a way of avoiding the pain of his loss. Some people will go to great lengths to avoid dealing with pain that they believe will cripple them. He didn’t realize that if he could confront the pain directly, he could deal with the resulting sorrow without the need to create scenarios that superficially made him believe that he was “fine.”

Women usually have an easier time with grief because they are more sensitive to their own needs to feel emotional pain. They know that crying may not solve anything, but the emotional release helps alleviate the internal pain. Women are also more likely to see a therapist to help them deal with their grief and they are less likely to use romantic or work distractions to avoid dealing with pain.

Grief does not automatically go away in time. We need to understand that it is okay to be sad and angry that people are taken away from us before we are ready to see them go. Widowers often are angry with the spouse for dying and it’s normal to be upset with God because we don’t understand the “big picture.” We are only human and our only reality is the one we can experience first-hand. There may be another reality that is hidden from view, but it doesn’t make the pain of our loss any easier. We still have lost this person from our lives and every day we are aware of the absence. My niece and nephew no longer have a father. No belief in the afterlife will change that. Their male role model is gone and their sense of loss will stay with them forever.

We may not be able to change anything by feeling pain, but we can help to heal ourselves. The pain we feel will not kill us, yet by avoiding pain, we can kill a part of ourselves that needs expression. No other person in the world can fill the gap that is left by a person who died because every person is unique and our relationship with that person cannot be replaced by another person on this planet. Yet, we can keep the person “alive” through our memories and by being grateful that we had the opportunity to experience love, even if it feels that the love did not last forever.

In actuality, love never dies. Even after the person is gone, the love will stay with us forever. What is important is how we remember the person and how we can appreciate the gift of the person’s presence in our lives. Losing a father who loves us is difficult, but at least we were exposed to his love while he was alive. Many people live their entire lives without feeling loved by their parents. The pain of loss is less when the parents die, but it is only because these people did not have a significant impact on us while they were alive. Would we rather feel the pain of the loss of someone who deeply cared about us or would we rather avoid having an intimate relationship with someone only because the pain of the loss is less severe?

Death is a natural part of life. In American society, we don’t like to think about death because we perceive it as negative. Yet, as the Dalai Lama has explained, “You might consider things like old age and death are negative, unwanted, and simply try to forget about them. But eventually these things will come anyway. And if you’ve avoided thinking about these things, when the day comes that any of these events occur, it will come as a shock causing an unbearable mental uneasiness. However, if you spend some time thinking about old age, death and these other unfortunate things, your mind will be much more stable when these things happen as you have already become acquainted with these problems and kinds of suffering and have anticipated that they will occur.”

Death is not necessarily negative for the person who experiences it; it is only negative for the people left behind. Many things in this universe are invisible to the naked eye but it does not mean that these things do not affect us. We can’t see ultra-violet light, yet it has an adverse affect on our skin every day that we are alive. We may not be able to see the positive aspects of a person who has passed away, but it does not mean that their effect on us can’t be positive for the rest of our lives. Without the influence of our parents, we would be different people. The effect they have had on us is immortal. Can’t we just be grateful that they helped us to evolve into better individuals?

Regret is usually prominent after someone dies. Maybe we didn’t show our love the way we thought we should. Maybe we could have been there for them more often than we were. Maybe we shouldn’t have argued about the little things. When my friend committed suicide in my car, I was consumed by regret. What could I have done to save him? Eventually, I understood that regret was a useless emotion (though normal in the case of suicide). I could have done a million things differently and he probably would have committed suicide anyway. The past is the past.

The people who have died know we loved them immensely. They know we tried to be there for them whenever we could. We need to trust that whatever dimension they are in, they understand our feelings better than they ever could while they were alive. We always say and do things that we regret. These are not the things to remember. These actions and words are already forgiven. Dealing the pain of death requires extreme compassion and forgiveness. If we believe in God, we need to forgive Him for taking away the person we love (or to understand that God is not to blame). We need to forgive the person who is gone for the feelings of abandonment that naturally follows the loss; and most importantly, we need to forgive ourselves for any of the memories that might cause regret. We need to transform regret into compassion for our pain.

It is also extremely dangerous to believe that the death is some kind of “punishment.” We may want to explain events that we do not understand, but this does not mean that we correlate events that are not correlated. No one deserves the pain and suffering that is caused by a loved one’s death. Death is always a tragedy. We can only do our best to survive it and to grow and evolve by meeting our suffering head on.

Denial of pain does not mean that the pain does not exist. The pain is there whether we choose to accept it or not. Wouldn’t it be easier for us in the long run to suffer the pain of the loss rather than letting the pain affect us in ways that appear to be unrelated to event that precipitated it? If we cannot accept the pain that comes from losing someone we love, we may actually shield ourselves from experiencing passionate love in the future. We may be afraid to face a similar pain again. Yet, isn’t it better to love intensely, even though there could be pain associated with its loss -- rather than not loving at all?

Everyone we love will die. Some will die before us and some will die after we are gone. Death does not have to be a negative event. Just because we don’t understand the transition does not mean that it is not beneficial for the person experiencing it. Changes in form happen all the time but one form is not necessarily better or worse than another form. We believe that a butterfly is “better” than a caterpillar even though the caterpillar has “died.” Why would the death of a person be any different? Instead of mourning death, we need to celebrate life. Each person on this planet can positively affect another human being and each person’s life can be changed as a result of the interaction. We could close ourselves off from the rest of the world, which would ensure that no one would suffer the pain of our death and we would not suffer when others die. Yet, human beings were put on earth to interact with others. We cannot live in this world without being affected by death. No matter how we may feel about death, it will inevitably happen. The problems associated with death cannot be avoided simply by refusing to deal with them. We cannot change the mortality of the human race -- we can only change how we choose to deal with it. We may feel that avoidance will make the pain disappear in time, but this philosophy simply is not true. We have to have the strength to deal with our emotional heartache or we will never be able to transcend it. Suffering is a part of life. We need to be able to suffer through pain in order to release ourselves from its imprisonment.

Grieving is a healthy process. We may feel that life is unfair because the people we love were “taken away” from us. The simple truth is that life is unfair or if it is “fair,” we don’t always understand the reasons for particular disasters and hardships. The best we can do is to heal ourselves and to have faith that life and death have a purpose. A person who dies is never really gone. Emotionally, the person is a part of our lives forever. If we suppress our emotions, we are in effect, removing the person from our lives because we are refusing to think of the person out of fear that the pain will cripple us.

We have the power to keep people alive in our memories and in our hearts. We may need to experience the paralysis of pain for a period of time, but we then need to transform the pain into gratefulness. Every second we share with a person we love is sacred even if physically, the person may not be with us forever. After all, death lasts only a moment, but the beauty of a person’s life is immortal.

The Light of Death

We normally mourn death when one’s laid to rest,

but why do we need to cry?

Is it distress for the souls who were destined for death,

or because we’re alone without knowing why?

A life lived is just evolution.

Transformations become our quest.

When our path gradually comes to fruition,

we’re rewarded with love, peace and rest.

Once necessary lessons are slowly ingrained,

our awaited tribute’s in sight,

with a union of love without judgment or pain

in an accepting immersion of celestial light.

The process of death shows such beauty and grace

when divine souls congregate and unite --

to welcome their adventurous world traveler

during his latest transitional flight.

To mourn someone’s death is to acknowledge our love,

and a way to value our friends --

we crave more moments and memories to share --

for it’s too unbearable to witness their end.

Yet you too will make this transition

when your sacred destiny is cast.

Until then please cherish the moment of death,

as a symbol of beauty for the life just passed.

And remember it’s all a circle.

We will be together again.

For death lasts only a moment,

but love can never end.

The Coexistance of Opposites

According to biblical stories, the creation of this existence was the recognition of opposites. Symbolically, in the Garden of Eden, Eve finally recognized that she was different from Adam and separate from God. Prior to this realization, there was no good or bad; all things were good. With the recognition of opposites came the feelings of fear and guilt because the reality of opposites inevitably leads to judgment. Honesty is good. Lying is bad. Generosity is good. Greediness is bad.

This view of the world is too simplistic. No human being can be entirely honest all the time. Since self-preservation is required, there is at least the presence of greed within all generous people. Greed is defined as the excessive desire for possessions or wealth. Yet, what is excessive? It is always relative to another person’s economic situation. All people with wealth would be considered greedy by the poor people who live in Indonesia. A wealthy person may buy a million dollar house and give $100 million to charity. Is this person greedy or generous? Couldn’t happiness be achieved with a $200,000 house? Or with no house at all?

Our reality consists as a balance of opposites. Every brave person still feels fear. Bravery only requires the recognition that something is more important than the fear. The emotions stimulated by fear are channeled into a desire to be strong. Brave people realize that the benefits of conquering fear lead to a life that is filled challenge and victory, even at the expense of danger and destruction. Or as the old saying goes, “The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.”

Even the definition of an element is relative to its opposite. In the North Pole, 60 degrees may feel hot while 60 degrees is cold at the equator. Are there any absolute opposites that exist in this world? Extremes can usually be defined as an opposite. For example, someone whose height is seven feet is currently considered tall. The majority defines the attribute. If everyone were seven feet tall, the height would not be classified as tall.

As stated in A Brief History of Western Philosophy, Socrates concluded that “If two things are opposites, each of them comes into being from the other. If someone goes to sleep, she must have been awake. If someone wakes up, he must have been asleep. Again, if A becomes greater than B, then A must have been less than B. If A becomes better than B, then A must have been worse than B. Thus, these opposites, greater and less, plus better and worse, just like sleeping and waking, come into being from each other. But death and life are opposites, and the same must hold true here also. Those who die, obviously enough, are those who have been living; should we not conclude that dying in its turn is followed by living?”

Joseph Campbell relates a similar story of life coming from death. He says, “It’s amazing: one after another, you discover these gods who are at once of death and of generation. The death god, Ghede, of the Haitian Voodoo tradition, is also the sex god. The Egyptian god Osiris was the judge and lord of the dead, and the lord of the regeneration of life. It is a basic theme – that which dies is born. You have to have death in order to have life.”

According to Eastern philosophy, opposites continually flow into each other and in every element lies a portion of its opposite. According to Lama Govinda: “The relationship of form and emptiness cannot be conceived as a state of mutually exclusive opposites, but only as two aspects of the same reality, which coexist and are in continual cooperation.”

It is actually the presence of the opposite that brings about change. For instance, in every peaceful situation, there is the presence of turmoil. The turmoil, if erupted, will lead to a movement toward war. In war, there is always the desire for peace, which leads us back to a peaceful environment. If there were no turmoil in a peaceful environment, a state of complacency could develop. If there were no desire for peace during wartime, a continual state of war would be perpetuated. Opposites also coexist in nature. In the center of a brutal hurricane is perfect peace in the eye of the storm. There are painful thorns that protect a beautiful and delicate rose. Spectacular rainbows are created by the coexistence of the sun and the rain.

Often it is impossible to appreciate an attribute without experiencing its opposite. For example, it may be difficult to appreciate love without an understanding of the pain that comes from an absence of love. If everyone experienced love from every individual on the planet, the emotion could be taken for granted. Love becomes expected rather than appreciated. If we experienced perfect weather every day, inevitably, we would take it for granted. Appreciating a nice day would be difficult because every day is nice. People who live in colder climates appreciate the beginning of Spring because they have just endured a difficult Winter. The contrast in temperature is the impetus that leads to the appreciation.

Even the most basic actions may be withdrawn to invoke an appreciation. For instance, I used to take it for granted that I would sleep every night. I had been sleeping since I was born. Then unexpectedly, I was unable to sleep for three days straight and it was the most horrendous three days of my life. I was unable to function normally and I felt mentally unbalanced. Since that period, I have learned to appreciate the ability to sleep. Encountering its opposite caused me to appreciate its presence. We often suffer when we are faced with negative circumstances. However, we can view the suffering as an opportunity to appreciate its opposite.

Change can be resisted but it will always occur. One attribute is always flowing towards its opposite. When we reach the lowest point of despair, the only certainty is that the flow of life will move us to a better situation. It is also unwise to be extremely comfortable during periods of prosperity because inevitably, movement in the other direction is ensured. During difficult times, we can get caught in a downward spiral of negativity by believing that the direction we are moving is permanent. Yet the only certainty is that the negativity will turn around. Everything in life is impermanent; our only mistake in judgment is assuming that impermanence is actually permanent. Life itself is not permanent. We can fight the flow of life by forcing movement in one direction or another but then we are flowing against the natural cyclical movement of life. Sometimes it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel but darkness and light coexist. In fact, darkness cannot even be defined if there were no light since darkness is the absence of light and light immediately dispels the perception of darkness. The darkness is still there, it is only obscured by the light. In every dark moment, there is an element of light that if sparked can lead us to the other direction.

In every bad situation, there is good. If we focus on the positive, the focus itself will switch the flow of movement in the right direction. An independent consultant once remarked, “I could never understand why there was always too much business at once or no business at all. It almost seemed like a single contract signing after a period of inactivity started the movement in the other direction. I’ve had to adjust my expectations to be prepared for business prosperity or a period of complete inactivity. No matter how hard I try to change this flow, it inevitably returns.”

Since opposites cannot be defined as good or bad and since there is continual flow from one extreme to the other, we need to be comfortable within the balance of competing forces. When external events bring us down, we need to have faith that negative events eventually turn into positive events. Often people find that at the moment of failure comes a period of success. The only individuals who find themselves in trouble are the ones who refuse to believe that failures are temporary. We can convince ourselves that we are unsuccessful, which reduces our self-esteem and causes us to lose faith in ourselves. It is not the negative event that causes failure. The destruction is rooted in the change in self-perception. It takes great faith in the balance of life to assume that negative events will turn positive. The movement toward the opposite force requires a focus on the smallest positive element during a storm. By channeling efforts toward the positive, we give power to the spark that can bring about our transformation.

After a brutal murder or tragedy, the first question is, “if there is a God, how could he have allowed this tragedy to occur?” We questioned the existence of a positive universal force after the Holocaust and after the September 11^th tragedy. How can a God that is good allow such evil to happen? We place judgments on catastrophes. They are indisputably negative. Yet what if the tragedy is necessary to spark a universal flow toward the positive? Didn’t the McCarthy “witch hunts” cause us to appreciate the value of the First Amendment? Without the Holocaust, would genocide and ethnic cleansing become a way of life in many parts of the world? Would our focus on human rights be diminished if they had not been severely violated during World War II? Without these atrocities, in the future one race might have been able to declare superiority and slowly convince others that inferior members of the planet be eradicated. In turn, the horror of the Holocaust may ensure that a massive alienation of differences will never be tolerated.

We assume that tragedies are negative because we also assume that death is negative. Yet, what if death is not really negative at all? What if it is only a transformation that brings us back to our “home” that is filled with absolute love and compassion? If death were actually positive, then what we perceive as negativity is just an illusion. The negativity of death is clearly the suffering endured by the people who are left behind. The pain of loss is objectively “bad.” Yet this observation assumes that pain is also negative because it hurts. What if pain is necessary for spiritual growth? What if pain is really a gift that we don’t understand or appreciate while we experience it? If pain is not really negative and death is not really negative then it is hard to judge the reason for a particular atrocity. We may not have the whole story because we will never know the events on the timelines that never occurred.

The coexistence of opposites means that every negative event carries the elements of something positive. Pain, if endured, will transcend to pleasure and pleasure is never permanent. A belief in the cyclical movement of the universe means that we cannot be caught in a downward spiral without finding paradise at a later time.

However, we can fight the natural flow of opposites by holding onto the negativity and by refusing to allow its transformation. Our perceptions create our reality. We can see negativity in every positive event and we can ignore the positive that is imbedded in the negative. Many people believe that wealth is simply positive. Yet, wealth can lead to greed, a misuse of power or selfishness. We define material success as positive by ignoring the negative attributes that can follow.

We defined the marriage of Princess Diana and Prince Charles as positive without understanding the pain that was hidden beneath the surface. We learned to love the vulnerability of a princess who appeared to be perfect. The coexistence of weakness and strength made her lovable. We relate to the extremes of an unhappy princess because it more closely resembles reality. As soon as Princess Diana achieved the ability to love unconditionally, we lost the expression of her beauty and compassion when she died. Fairytales cannot exist in real life because nothing remains positive forever. No one can live happily ever after because it assumes that the positive can continue without encountering its negative. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage if we define perfection as perpetual happiness. Every marriage or love affair will face the cyclical nature of the good and the bad.

The perception of good and bad are simply labels that may not represent reality at all. We believe it is positive to be a famous movie star while they suffer the fate of a complete loss of privacy and continual criticism. Fame is always fleeting and there is the continual fear that its end may be near. Will our next accomplishment always be better than our last? It‘s easy to judge predicaments that we don’t understand. Everyone else’s life can appear better than our own if we fail to appreciate the positive attributes that we already have. It’s hard to appreciate good health until we are faced with illness. We focus on the negative attribute that is monopolizing our attention and forget that its opposite is also its natural evolution.

We need to understand that the transcendence from “good” to “bad” brings about the ultimate balance in the universe. Our life is continually about flow from one extreme to the other – from life to death – from poverty to wealth – from sickness to health, and from pain to pleasure. Depression fades and the euphoria of love turns into tears. The tears then dissolve into an entity that has transformed – just like a caterpillar evolves from the immovable “mush” of a cocoon to the flight of a beautiful butterfly. That is the true transformation of life -- the impermanence of our current circumstances. Faith helps us make the journey from one opposite to the other. If we can go with the flow of life without forcing our own insecurities and fears to affect the final outcome, we may find that there is beauty in pain and that the hard times we endure are only preparing us for the pleasure that lies ahead.

From Tao Te Ching, by Lao Tzu

When people see things as beautiful,

Other things become ugly.

When people see some things as good,

Other things become bad.

Being and non-being create each other.

Difficult and easy support each other.

Long and short define each other.

High and low depend on each other.

Before and after follow each other.

Therefore the Master

Acts without doing anything

And teaches without saying anything.

Things arise and she lets them come;

Things disappear and she lets them go.

She has but doesn’t possess,

Acts but doesn’t expect.

When her work is done, she forgets it.

That is why it lasts forever.

Is Pain a Bottomless Pit?

A few years ago, I had a dream that I was falling uncontrollably through a long, dark tunnel. I felt myself accelerating through the tunnel and instantaneously, the movement changed from falling to flying. Instead of feeling out of control, I realized that I could directly influence the direction and speed of my flight. My flying kept accelerating until I felt myself traveling at an unimaginable rate of speed. It actually felt as though I was traveling at the speed of light, or perhaps even faster. When my flight accelerated to maximum speed, I began to notice a bright light slowly emanating through the tunnel. In a matter of seconds, it didn’t seem dark anymore. The light was filled with warmth and acceptance and my journey through the tunnel transformed from a flight of fear to a flight of self-discovery. The tunnel began to fade away into the light until I couldn’t tell where the tunnel ended and the light began. The light initially surrounded me but then it began to seep slowly into my pours until I could no longer separate myself from the presence of the light. The light instantly dispelled all the darkness. The unity of my being with this light transformed from an image into an emotion, and I realized the emotion was love. Yet it wasn’t similar to any type of love I had experienced before. It was a love that was completely unconditional and non-judgmental. I was loved at the core of my being. As soon as I felt consumed by the unconditional love, I abruptly woke up and sat upright in bed. It took me another two hours to get back to sleep.

The dream was so powerful that I asked different psychologists to interpret its meaning. Some said it represented birth and others said it was a preview of death. In both cases, the explanation was identical. I had to wonder if those two experiences are really as different as they seem. If the experience feels identical, is it possible that death is just another form of birth or that birth is some form of death? Others asked if I had been in the hospital during the dream because it was possible that I might have had a near-death experience, and I might have physically died for a few moments. Progressive psychologists stated that I had left my body for a few moments because I was feeling the flight instead of observing it. They told me that I must have released myself from the physical body because I did not see myself flying; I felt the movement of the actual flight. Since most of us have only flown at 300 miles an hour in a plane, the ability to feel flight and movement at a tremendous rate of speed could not be a physical memory.

I suppose any explanation is possible. On a more simplistic level, the dream could have been symbolic of the darkness associated with pain. The difference between the dream and pain is that I quickly realized the tunnel could transform itself from darkness and solitude into love and acceptance. When we are consumed by pain, it’s hard to see light inside a dark tunnel, so some people believe that the darkness is just a bottomless pit that could never transcend to the highest level of pleasure or happiness.

The fear of experiencing pain is that its consumption will paralyze us indefinitely. We know that time heals all wounds, but how much time is required? An acquaintance who lost her husband to cancer described, “After the funeral, I thought I would never feel normal again. It took every ounce of energy I had just to get through the day. Even breathing felt difficult. I finally realized that it was a gift if I had only one minute of pleasure during the day. I tried to focus on the minute of pleasure, instead of the other 959 minutes of pain. I found that one minute eventually increased to five minutes and after about a month, I could actually experience an hour of pleasure each day. My only consolation was the recognition that each day offered more minutes of pleasure than the day before.”

Pain can be so devastating that many people build walls around their heart as a form of protection. If the expression of love is tightly controlled, then the pain that results from its loss is less destructive. That’s why many people say that the opposite of love is fear. The fear of being hurt can curtail the expression of love. Fear causes withdrawal and creates a barrier to expressing emotion, while love is the ultimate surrender to the power of the emotion. Some people go through life incapable of expressing deep, intense love because they need to be protected from the incapacitating pain that could result from its loss. This emotional trade-off is not usually recognized consciously. The barriers are built on a subconscious level so that these individuals probably don’t even know that the blockade has been constructed.

Building barriers is a natural defense mechanism to pain. It’s similar to the experience of learning not to touch a hot stove. The first time children touch a red-hot burner; they feel excruciating pain. The second time, the child knows not to get too close. The same analogy applies to love. If the pain of losing love is too overwhelming, the simple cure is curb the intensity of the emotion in the future. If you love less, you hurt less. Subconsciously, we all do our own cost-benefit analysis. If we believe the cost of the pain is too great, we can just minimize the benefit received from the emotion.

Most people are certain that they haven’t built defense mechanisms that inhibit the expression of love; but how would they know? The process happens very slowly. It begins in childhood and is affected by every rejection, betrayal or emotional withdrawal. Individuals who have developed psychological barriers are still able to love. They just don’t realize that the heart has spent years building an invisible fortress that guards them from grief.

The problem is not solved by trying to love more intensely; the solution is to be less fearful of pain. We all know the saying, “that which does not kill me makes me stronger.” We also know the saying that no one has died of a broken heart. If heartbreak doesn’t kill us, how does it make us stronger? To some, the strength comes in the form of walls and barriers, but for others it comes from recognizing the value of pain. Pain and growth are highly correlated. For example, when baby teeth grow, the child feels pain and when a weight builder develops muscles, he experiences weeks of pain. Spiritual growth results from emotional pain. During periods of pleasure, there is no reason to be introspective. Enjoyment offers its own reward. When someone experiences emotional pain, however, the soul is naked and exposed. A person can either avoid the pain by refusing to accept it, or it can be used as a powerful tool for growth and self-exploration.

In the book, The Road Less Traveled, Scott Peck says, “It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn. As Benjamin Franklin said, ‘Those things that hurt, instruct.’ It is for this reason that wise people learn not to dread but actually to welcome problems and actually to welcome the pain of problems.” He also states, “It is in this whole process of meeting and solving problems that life finds its meaning. Problems call forth our courage and wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and our wisdom. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually… Most people attempt to skirt problems rather than meet them head-on. We attempt to get out of them rather than suffer through them. Indeed, the tendency to avoid problems and the emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all psychological illness.”

We think that suffering is a punishment. We wonder what we did to deserve the pain. Yet, perhaps our judgment about suffering is wrong. We naturally assume that suffering is bad, but what if we are wrong? What if suffering is actually a gift? If the primary objective in life is to evolve spiritually, how could we accomplish this goal without suffering? How can we appreciate beauty if we never know ugliness? How can we appreciate peace and contentment if we’ve never experienced the brutal struggle of transcending pain?

Someone once told me a story about Matthew, who was a man that had accomplished everything he wanted in life. He had a great job, lots of money, a beautiful house and a gorgeous girlfriend. One day Matthew lost his job, which caused him to lose his money and his beautiful house. After these losses, his girlfriend broke up with him. A few days before Matthew moved out of the house, his friend, Chris, came over to offer some compassion and emotional support. Chris had always been moderately successful, with a wife and three children. He had a steady job and hadn’t suffered much in life. When Chris arrived, Matthew was sitting in his house, surrounded by boxes, dirty ashtrays and beer bottles. It appeared that he hadn’t washed, shaved or even changed his clothes. He was completely broken and devastated. Chris looked at Matthew with a slight smile and said, “I really envy you.” Matthew was completely shocked by the comment. “How can you envy me when I have lost everything? I don’t even know how I am going to get through the day. Emotionally, I am completely paralyzed! How could you possibly say that you envy me?” Chris sat on one of the few chairs still left in the house, and answered, “Because you will learn more in the next 10 days than I have learned in the last 10 years.”

The willingness to feel pain is often tied to significant transformation. In Dante’s Inferno, paradise was reached by first going through hell. It is also interesting that this path to Paradise was a straight line. Paradise was reached by traveling first to the center of the earth (which was hell) and then by resurfacing on the other side. Joseph Campbell found a similar analogy in mythology. In an interview with Bill Moyers, he said, “One thing that comes out in myths, for example, is that at the bottom of the abyss comes the voice of salvation. The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come. At the darkest moment comes the light.” Joseph Campbell also tells the story of Igjugarjuk, who was the shaman of a Caribou Eskimo tribe in northern Canada. He is the one “who told European visitors that the only true wisdom lives far from mankind, out in the great loneliness, and can be reached only through suffering. Privation and suffering alone open the mind to all that is hidden to others.” I once saw an image in a dream that I have never forgotten. It was the face of man who had one tear slowly descending down his cheek. His eyes sparkled and the tear seemed to radiate and glow. Bright sparks of light were reflected by the tear. The dream’s powerful image has always reminded me of the beauty of pain.

We search for a reason for our pain but may find that the reason cannot be understood. We know that we don’t deserve this pain, so how can it have a purpose? In Thorton Wilder’s novel, The Eighth Day, he compares life to a beautiful tapestry. When one views the tapestry on the right side, it is an intricately woven work of art that combines threads of different lengths and colors. However, on the other side, the tapestry is a conglomeration of many threads. Some threads are short and others are long. Some threads are smooth and other threads are cut. The direction of the threads seems meaningless. Wilder concludes that by being able to see the beautiful tapestry, we can see that our lives are part of a complicated design that is in fact, beautiful, even though each thread may not understand the role it played in creating the exquisite tapestry.

Based on our limited view of the “big picture,” it is difficult for us to judge what is good or bad. An example of this conundrum was accurately portrayed in an old fable. In the fable, a farmer had a horse that ran away. His neighbor immediately came over to express his condolences and the farmer said, “Who is to say what is good or bad?” The next day, the horse returned with five other horses. The neighbor stopped by to express his joy and the farmer said, “Who is to say what is good or bad?” The next day, the farmer’s son rode one of the new five horses and he fell off and broke his leg. The neighbor came over to express his condolences and once again, the farmer said, “Who is to say what is good or bad?” The next day the army came to the farmer’s house to recruit people for battle but the officers could not take the farmer’s son because of his broken leg. The neighbor came over to express his joy and again, the farmer said, “Who is to say what is good or bad?”

The same is true with success and failure. We may believe that failures cause pain and successes bring happiness. Yet, the line between success and failure is not black or white; it is gray. If a failure brings about spiritual growth, it is actually a success and if a success leads to an exaggerated self-worth, it is actually a failure. John F. Kennedy said, ”It’s hard to make a determination that some things are successes and some are failures because each success brings with it the potential for failure and each failure, the potential for success.”

Pain goes away as soon as a wound starts to heal. A cut or scrape takes longer to heal if it is not treated. Sometimes the cut is minor and it heals fastest by being exposed to the environment. Yet if the cut is severe, it needs temporary stitches so that the skin can heal without leaving a scar. Emotional wounds are no different from physical ones. Focusing on work or social activities (or the external environment) can eliminate minor pain, but severe pain requires treatment. The treatment needs to be administered through introspection, self-discovery and growth. If we don’t learn from our pain, we may be creating emotional scars that permanently affect our future relationships. Physical scars damage the beauty of the skin in the same way that emotional scars damage the beauty of the soul.

If pain is ignored or avoided, we miss a valuable opportunity for growth. Pain medication alone can never heal a wound. It only dulls the senses by covering up the symptoms of the problem. If a leg breaks, a few Percosets may ease the pain, but the leg will get worse without proper treatment. Emotional pain also appears to be appeased with medication, such as alcohol or drugs. However, if the psychological issues that rise to the surface are not addressed, the pain never goes away. It simply resurfaces with different disguises until the problem is solved.

Peck further states, “Fearing the pain involved, almost all of us, to a greater or lesser degree, attempt to avoid problems. We procrastinate, hoping that they will go away. We ignore them, forget them, pretend they do not exist. We even take drugs to assist us in ignoring them, so that by deadening ourselves to the pain we can forget the problems that cause the pain. We attempt to skirt around problems rather than meet them head on. We attempt to get out of them rather than suffer through them.”

In the book, The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama concurs, “Trying to avoid our problems or simply not thinking about them may provide temporary relief, but I think that there is a better approach. If you directly confront your suffering, you will be in a better position to appreciate depth and the nature of the problem. If you are in a battle, as long as you remain ignorant of the status and combat capability of your enemy, you will be totally unprepared and paralyzed by fear. However, if you know the fighting capability of your opponents, what sort of weapons they have and so on, then you’re in a much better position when you engage in the war. In the same way, if you confront your problems rather than avoid them, you will be in a better position to deal with them.” The Dalai Lama further states, “We have an array of internal mechanisms, often unconscious, that buffer us from feeling too much emotional pain and anguish when we are confronted with problems. Sometimes these defense mechanisms can be quite primitive, such as simply refusing to recognize that a problem exists. At other times, we may vaguely recognize that we have a problem but immerse ourselves in a million distractions or entertainments to avoid thinking about it… Suffering can be avoided temporarily. But like a disease that’s left untreated (or perhaps superficially treated with a medication that just masks the symptoms but doesn’t cure the underlying condition), the disease invariably festers and worsens…The internal psychological defenses like denial or repression may shield and protect us from feeling the pain a bit longer, but it still doesn’t make the suffering disappear.”

If pain is a natural part of life, why would we be afraid of it? Why wouldn’t we welcome the experience as a chance for further development or as a route toward freedom or liberation of the soul? Nietzsche says, “The more challenging or threatening the situation or context to be assimilated and affirmed, the greater the stature of the person who can achieve it. The demon that you can swallow gives you its power, and the greater life’s pain, the greater life’s reply.” When my life is running smoothly, I actually miss the periods when I faced hardship and difficulty. Standing at the threshold of survival can be exhilarating. Every day is a challenge that must be overcome. There is no greater feeling of joy than knowing that we can boldly face adversity and persevere.

Some people are so afraid of pain that they actually avoid being around others who are experiencing it. I’ve learned more about people’s attitude about life by paying attention to their attitude about pain. Do they see it as an opportunity for growth, or as something to be avoided? Do they believe that by ignoring pain, it will go away? Or do they believe that by treating pain, their soul can evolve? The ability to experience pain seems to be directly proportional to the ability to feel pleasure. If someone can reach the depths of depression without destruction, they can probably also reach the pinnacle of pleasure and happiness.

Sometimes we need to endure pain in the short term in order to ensure that greater pain is avoided in the long term. We may be hurt by a partner’s infidelity and it may cause us to end the relationship. Clearly, this is a painful scenario. However, more pain may be inflicted if we choose to ignore the infidelity. If we choose to stay with the partner, we may be continually hurt by further acts of betrayal. It may be better to suffer the pain over the loss of the relationship than to expose ourselves to continual pain from repeated acts of infidelity. Or as stated by Huston Smith, “Suppose a baby has a scalp disease. If the baby’s head is not shaved, there is a return of the malady; if a boil is not lanced, it will go on growing. But while such things are being done to it, though someone holds it close and soothes it and its own mother lovingly performs these operations, the child will nevertheless scream and howl the whole while, not understanding at all that the small pain to which it is being subjected will result in a great gain.”

Pain is always subjective. When a child scrapes a knee, it may be seen as a tragedy only because the child has limited experience with pain. Hunger is painful but starvation causes death. The end of a relationship can be devastating but the loss of a child is crippling. It’s difficult to view pain in its proper perspective because the pain is personal. Yet if you know that you can survive the fall through the tunnel, and if you realize that it’s not a bottomless pit, you will be able to benefit from the journey. It’s not scary to dive into the deep end of the pool if you know how to swim. If you have experienced devastating pain and know that you can survive, you can learn from painful experiences the rest of your life.

It is also helpful to remember a Buddhist philosophy that everything we face in life is temporary. It may appear that the pain will be here forever, but it will eventually go away. One day, we will rise above our suffering. When we are monopolized by pain, it may be difficult to remember the times when we were carefree; yet, we will be carefree again. A good visualization tactic is to imagine the future without the pain and then to look back at the current pain as a memory. The pain we feel in the present will allow us to be stronger and more grateful for the times when we are free of pain. For example, if someone is on the verge of losing his house due to financial difficulties, it can feel paralyzing. Yet these adverse financial conditions will not last forever. One day, this person will be able to look back and see himself as a survivor. In the future, this person will be grateful for the return to normalcy. We tend to take normal times for granted until we are faced with a condition of abnormality; but abnormality is the exception, rather than the rule. Inevitably, there will be times in our lives when everything is out of control. It may be difficult to survive these periods but we need to constantly remind ourselves that all things eventually pass. One day the pain, stress, fear and other incapacitating emotions will be gone -- even though it can be hard to believe this during the periods when we are consumed by emotions that cripple us.

We may not have control over all of the external factors that are causing havoc in our lives, but we do have control over our responses. We choose to become paralyzed or strong. We choose to take external events in stride (with a sense of detachment) or to internalize them and feel worse about ourselves.

I believe that my dream was symbolic of the “beauty” of pain. We don’t have to fall uncontrollably through darkness that we don’t understand; with a simple change in attitude, we can fly. Instead of feeling fear as we travel through the tunnel, we can feel exhilarated and alive. Feeling pain places us at the edge of our existence. Once we take control of the path, we can recognize that the light is not waiting at the end of the tunnel, it is a part of the journey. By accepting that darkness and light can coexist in the same space and time (and that the light immediately dispels the darkness), we can recognize that pain provides us with a significant opportunity for growth.

Renoir once said that “pain passes but beauty remains.” The irony of pain is that sometimes we have to endure a tremendous amount of suffering to finally feel free; and sometimes we need to live within the darkness of our soul until we are able to recognize the beauty of its transformation.