I Exist, Therfore I Am

Every action, thought, problem, relationship, and feeling is affected by our concept of “self.” Many talk about ego, but do we really know what it is? Do we know how to rise above our own egos? Do we know how to “detach” or why it might be important to be able to separate from our concept of self? For some people, the concept of detachment is impossible and the need for separation seems ridiculous. How could we possibly be without an ego, even if only for a moment? Ego defines who we are. What would we be without ego or self? We wouldn’t even be human. What’s so bad about trying to satisfy the ego since it encompasses the essence of humanity? Can we even consider defining ourselves without the use of the word “I?”

Ego is the reason we care what other people think. It is the reason we care if we are successful. The ego cares about winning arguments, being right, being respected and the ego craves acceptance, admiration and love. The ego is confident, ambitious, and may crave money, power and control. The ego has pride and it protects its own image. The ego defends itself when it is being attacked. It is the ego that would rather be unemployed than to take a job that is a career demotion. The ego seeks agreement and it often compels us to be around people who mimic our beliefs and opinions. Frequently, the ego looks for projections of itself in other people rather than being strong enough to face diversity and disagreement.

The ego is also insecure and driven by fear. Fear is one of the primary reasons that the ego does what it does. Without the fear of failure, loss of security or being alone, our egos wouldn’t care so much about many of the problems in our lives. The corruption of ego and need to exaggerate the importance of the ego at the expense of others brought about the genocide of World War II. Protecting the ego is equivalent to protecting a person’s self-image. Egos lead people to believe that others who are different are inferior. Egos make people think that they need to put others down to feel better about themselves. An ego-dominated person is more likely to hate than love. Egos bring about self-hatred as well. If the importance of the ego could be subordinated, a person would never commit suicide.

The ego needs to rationalize mistakes or hide insecurities. The ego needs to justify actions and decisions to others. The ego needs approval. If we were stronger than our egos, we would be comfortable with our past failures and lapses in judgment without having to prove to others that our actions were warranted.

It is extremely difficult to subordinate the ego so that we do not feel the need to rationalize our behavior to others. If we do not defend ourselves, we feel that we are subtly implying that we agree with perceptions about us that we know are untrue. For example, a previous business associate spent two years looking for a job without success. She was extremely qualified and had managed her career successfully. Yet, the downturn in the economy had forced many companies to eliminate senior management positions and every job received about 600 resumes. If a candidate’s experience did not match the job requirements perfectly, the candidate would be rejected. This business associate explained, “While I was struggling to find a job, others would assume that there was something wrong with me. They implied that I was lazy or unwilling to compromise. They couldn’t understand what I was going through because they were employed, so they made snap judgments that were extremely inaccurate. I spent an inordinate amount of time rationalizing my predicament to my friends. Instead of feeling better by being around people who I thought cared about me, I felt that I had to constantly explain every decision and action. The entire experience was emotionally draining and incredibly unfair.” This business associate was protecting her ego when it was under attack. If she had said nothing, she would have been perpetuating false images about herself and she may have eventually believed that the criticisms were true (because sometimes, we are also trying to convince ourselves).

Subordinating the ego does not mean that we do not defend ourselves; it simply means that we do not let other people’s opinions make us believe something that we know is untrue. If we are strong and have inner peace and confidence, our egos are not “bruised” when other people’s criticisms conflict with our own perceptions of reality. Insults have no power over our emotions; we may disagree with the criticisms but we do not get angry with the person who said them. In other words, we still protect our self-image, but we do not become emotionally involved with the outcome. If others choose not to believe our view of reality, we simply don’t care.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, the ego is what defines us; it is the part of us that experiences the external world through the senses; the ego organizes the thought processes rationally, and governs our actions. The ego is driven by our instinctual desires and adapts according to the conscience, or feels guilt and remorse according to preconceived standards for morality. Spiritually, we are conceived as energy but it is the ego upon which experience is superimposed, and upon which our actions and mental states are recognized. A person without an ego just isn’t a person. Ego is the “I” that we use to define our personal reality.

We often hear statements such as “your ego is getting in the way,” or “it is his ego that is causing all his problems,” or “he has a big ego.” These statements can seem absurd. How could the ego not get in the way? How can someone accuse the ego for problems? What does it mean to have a big ego?

Ego is merely our sense of self. When we are focused on ourselves, we are not focused on others or the environment that exists outside of ourselves. We can exaggerate the importance of our ego by refusing to pay attention to the forces that may be more important than our concept of self. For example, compassion surfaces only when our ego boundaries are dissolved.

Yet, we need to be realistic. Our concept of self is how we measure our experiences and feelings. We are human beings and even if our true reality is spiritual, it is difficult to detach ourselves from our perceived reality – but not impossible.

Ego attachment creates desire; we desire anything that pleases the ego. Detachment frees us from desires that can imprison us; detachment is a release from negative outcomes or feelings that might not please the ego. Yet, how would we accomplish detachment even if we wanted to? How do we extinguish our concept of self? Innately, the ego or “self-identity” believes that it is discrete and unique. Correspondingly, the ego assumes that it needs its individuality to survive.

Perhaps this conundrum is not about relinquishing self but by putting our egos in their proper perspective. Reality may be what we perceive happens to us or our egos, but if there were a way of seeing ourselves as part of a greater whole or as an entity that is not separate from the energy of the universe, then the concept of self is just part of something more powerful. The self would not exist alone and thus, would not desire things that pleased the ego in its isolation.

Instead of thinking about “I,” we may think about “us.” Then the desires are not just for the ego, but for our relationships with others as well. We may want to win an argument to please the ego, but we do not want to cause discomfort for the other parties involved in the discussion. We think about everyone’s egos instead of just our own. The ego might want to be right but this is accompanied with an understanding that other people’s egos also want to be right. The only way that we can consider the feelings of others is by detaching ourselves from our personal desires and by understanding the needs and goals of other people’s desires.

It is easier to attach to the desires of our egos than it is to detach. We know what we want and what makes us feel good, but it is harder to know what other people want. In order to detach, we must be able to develop empathy. We need to be able to place ourselves in other people’s shoes instantaneously. When we disagree with someone or make a judgment about someone, we need to immediately feel what the other person is feeling. We have to be able to see both sides at once. The only way to do this is by being able to separate ourselves from our personal egos at a moment’s notice, which requires the ability to detach from the concept of a discrete and individualized “self.” Our needs must be defined in relation to other people’s needs. If we care about the relationships we have with others, then the needs of the relationship take precedence over individual needs.

Detachment is a form of surrender because the ego is no longer devoted to achieving a specified result. Surrender allows us to flow with the forces of the universe rather than deciding that a predetermined outcome must be accomplished in a certain way. If we can detach our egos, we can let go of our control over the outcome.

Why would we want to accomplish this? We know the old saying that if we don’t take care of ourselves, no one else will. If we are constantly looking out for the interests of others, don’t our own interests get lost? The key is that our interests do not exist independently; they exist only in relation to others. We cannot desire love without having others involved. We cannot be successful without others’ cooperation. As part of society, we just do not exist alone. Our happiness can be determined by us but it is affected by everyone who comes into contact with us. Unhappy people usually blame others or external events. Sadness is usually based on a focus on what we do not have. If our negative attributes exist in relation to others or external factors, then our positive ones do as well. If we focus on the “we,” then our interests are automatically included.

In The Way, Michael Berg tells the story of two men who are in a fishing boat. One of the men starts drilling a hole in the bottom of the boat and the other man starts screaming at him to stop. The first man tells his friend not to worry because the hole is only under his seat. Michael Berg says, “each of us is intimately involved with the fortunes of all of us…our positive deeds allow others to act in ways that would not have been possible had we not acted. And likewise, when we move toward the negative side of selfishness and self-interest, the world tilts toward negativity…Our positive and negative actions, no matter how small, influence the spiritual state of the world.”

Detachment allows us to be free from the unilateral demands of “self.” It allows us to see “self” in relation to others. Instead of thinking, “I have to win this argument and be right,” the thought changes to “we need to come to a resolution that makes both people better off.” Detachment requires that we love others as we love ourselves.

Melinda Ribner (author of New Age Judaism, Ancient Wisdom for the Modern World) says, “Love asks us to transcend our ego and sense of separateness and self-importance, to become giving and expanded rather than selfish and limited. Kabbalah teaches that the main challenge we have in life is to transform the desire to receive for ourselves into the desire to share with others. This challenge confronts us daily in all our interactions with others. Am I going to open my heart and let the natural flow of love come through me or will I block it with self-absorbed concerns or fears? How do we become more giving and less selfish? First we recognize that we are all interconnected…when we give to another person, we are in essence giving to ourselves. This is a most important concept. When we give, we are expanding our sense of self…By giving to others, we essentially give to ourselves…when we give to someone they become a part of us. We have a stake in their well-being. The more we give, the greater we become. Our lives are greater than our own. Our lives include many others as well. We have to realize that by giving we do not become less but more. On a physical level, it would appear that when we give, we have less. Sometimes we are afraid that we will be diminished by giving. We are afraid that we will be taken advantage of, exploited or controlled…However, on the spiritual level, we actual increase what we have and become greater.”

Even when a person is alone, there is still a “we.” If we believe that we are part of universal energy (or God), then we can always be connected to a more powerful energy force. The concept of self merges into the power of the universe. Even though we were created in God’s image, God does not have an ego.

Instead of asking, “what does God want from me?” we should ask what God wants from humanity as a whole. If God is a “parent” who has billions of children, wouldn’t He want everyone to care about others the same as they care about themselves? Wouldn’t He want us to feel that every other person in this world was part of our family? In a family, the siblings care about each other primarily because they are related. One sister might not like the other sister, but she might say, “I will still help her because she is family.” What if we viewed every person on this planet as family? Could we see the ego as a part of a greater whole?

Melinda Ribner, further says, “If we truly want to come close to God we must let go of our egos and physical attachments and trust our inner voices even when they don’t make sense…truly great people can easily surrender their egos to God…Just as a seed has to rot before it becomes a plant, so similarly, we have to suspend limiting ideas of self in order to allow something greater to come through us… It is only through self-nullification, through surrender, that a person may experience the oneness of God.”

It is easier to attach to the ego because it is all we know in this reality. When we look in the mirror, we see our physical selves. We do not see the transcendent spirit that can connect with everything else (or take any form). Since this energy is based on faith, we may tend to discount its ability to become one with all other energy. Detachment from the ego is liberating. We become less invested in particular outcomes. Problems don’t seem so serious and joy is easier to obtain. Separating oneself from self is powerful. The needs of the ego don’t predominate one’s feelings or actions at the expense of the needs of every other person on this planet. The needs of humanity, society, and our relationships with others take precedence over individual needs.

Maybe the quote “I exist, therefore I am” should be changed to the phrase, “We exist, therefore we are.” If we see our existence in terms of our relations to others, then everyone is better off. Instead of having one person caring about his or her individual needs, there could be two or more people caring about each other’s needs. There is power in numbers. The word “we” is always stronger than “I.”

The Punishment of Anger

Many people believe that anger is a natural human response and in many ways, uncontrollable. If someone upsets or disappoints us, we feel justified to express anger. However, most people don’t realize that anger is essentially destructive and futile. Although we may feel that anger “punishes” the agitator, the expression of hostility causes severe damage the person who expresses it. When there is anger, we always need to remember that our own frustration, intolerance, impatience, pain and distress are hiding right below the surface. Anger is usually a reflection of internal suffering. Perhaps we need to face the pain, instead of expressing the anger.

When we feel the “need” to express anger, it is simply a decision. There are many ways to deal with inequities in life and only one of these options is anger. We always have a choice to confront a person without the emotion of anger, even though this decision takes a great deal of patience and restraint. What is the purpose of anger? Does it make us feel better or worse? By expressing anger, are we helping to improve or deteriorate the situation that precipitated the emotion? Or are we trying to hide or mitigate the pain that underlies its expression?

Anger does not ensure that another person will take responsibility for the actions that provoked the emotion. In fact, the opposite is usually true. Once anger is expressed, an automatic reaction of defensiveness appears. The person on the receiving end feels the need to justify the inequity even if he or she is certain that a wrong has been committed. Anger is like a tornado that slowly builds into a very destructive force. Words are said that cannot be taken back and the negative emotions are extremely harmful to any person who is affected by the anger (including the people who witness the anger).

As human beings, we have the power to avoid responding with anger. Particular actions or words may naturally precipitate the emotion of anger, but we can rise above our impulses. We can confront people calmly and merely ask that they take responsibility for the actions that caused us pain. We can also ask for an apology. Isn’t that all we really want in the first place? It’s hard to believe that the purpose of anger is merely to punish. Why do we need to punish someone we love for making a mistake? Do we believe that this punishment is “deserved?” Aren’t we seeking compassion for the pain that has been caused instead of punishment?

Outside of the legal system, punishment seems to be a juvenile motivation when an adult makes a mistake that is not illegal. The only justified need for punishment is a parent or guardian who is trying to teach a child a lesson. Yet, even lessons can be taught without the emotion of anger. When dealing with equals, our punishment is futile. The only person who can inflict effective punishment is the person who commits the inequity. The only appropriate response to the injustice is remorse. We can express anger but if the person refuses to take responsibility, the anger serves no purpose.

Psychologists often say that it is better to feel anger than to suffer through pain. Pain is internal self-punishment; while anger is external and helps us release the emotion to the surface where it can be handled appropriately. In my opinion, anger is also self-punishment. By expressing anger, we hurt ourselves in a different way. We feel bitterness and hatred that can actually extend itself beyond the object of the anger. We also may take this anger out on people who do not deserve to be affected by it. There are many cases of individuals feeling anger about an external situation and in turn, express that same anger toward the people they love. The people closest to us do not deserve the anger of an unrelated event.

We hurt ourselves because anger has direct physical reactions that may not be apparent immediately. Our blood pressure rises, our heart beats faster, and we may be causing physical problems that can appear at a later time. Many doctors have reported that stress is one of the major causes of disease. Anger works in the same way. Anger is simply an overt expression of negative stress.

As the Dalai Lama further states in his book An Open Heart, “It is natural for us to experience emotions such as anger and desire… I am aware that in Western psychology, expressing feelings and emotions, even anger, is often encouraged. Certainly many people have endured traumatic experiences in their past, and if these emotions are suppressed, they may indeed cause lasting psychological harm… Having said this, I do feel that it is important to adopt a stance against strong emotions such as anger, attachment, and jealousy and devote ourselves to developing restraint. Instead of allowing ourselves to indulge in occurrences of strong emotions, we should work at decreasing our propensity toward them. If we ask ourselves whether we are happier when angry or when calm, the answer is evident… The troubled mental state that results from afflictive emotions immediately disturbs our inner equilibrium, causing us to feel unsettled and unhappy. In our quest for happiness, our main aim should be to combat these emotions… Mental afflictions do not disappear on their own accord; they don’t simply vanish over time. They come to an end only as the result of conscious effort to undermine them, diminish their force, and ultimately eliminate them altogether.”

In Ethics for the New Millennium, the Dalai Lama states, “To say that we need to curb anger and our negative thoughts and emotions does not mean that we should deny our feelings. There is an important distinction to be made between denial and restraint. The latter constitutes a deliberate and voluntarily adopted discipline based on an appreciation of the benefits of doing so. This is very different from the case of someone who suppresses emotions such as anger out of a feeling that need to present a façade of self-control, or out of fear what others may think. Such behavior is like closing a wound that is still infected.” He further states, “When we become angry, we stop being compassionate, loving, generous, forgiving, tolerant, and patient altogether. We thus deprive ourselves of the very things that happiness consists in. And not only does anger immediately destroy our critical faculties, it tends toward rage, spite, hatred, and malice – each of which is always negative because it is a direct cause of harm for others.”

We all have the power to control our reactions to certain situations. For example, suppose a husband walks into his bedroom and find his wife in the arms of another lover. Clearly, the first immediate reaction is anger and pain. Yet, if this person has incredible self-control, he needs to do nothing except make the couple aware of his presence. The two people who have committed the infidelity will naturally feel guilt, embarrassment and pain. If the wife loves the husband, she will probably beg for remorse. The husband does not need to react at all because the guilty parties will take responsibility. It is idealistic to assume that the husband will not feel pain but the pain can be healed over time. The anger expressed at the moment can never be taken back. In fact, the husband has a number of decisions in response to this scenario: 1) he can confront his wife calmly and hold her responsible for her actions, 2) he can explode with irrational anger, bitterness and hatred; 3) he can walk out of the room and deal with the situation at a later time; 4) he can provide her with the opportunity to feel remorse and ask forgiveness; 5) he can eventually forgive her; 6) he can repress what he saw and do nothing; or 7) he can choose to divorce her. Anger is only one of many responses to this painful situation.

The need to further “punish” the wife for her infidelity falls into the category of revenge, which is not an appropriate response (because revenge creates a separate negative action). If the husband is unable to forgive his wife’s indiscretion, he should divorce her without inflicting additional damage through revenge. Revenge not only punishes the wife unfairly but also hurts the husband by creating hatred, bitterness and aggression.

The Dalai Lama further states, ”An important practice is distancing ourselves from strong emotions before they arise in us… When we feel anger or hatred we think that that the anger is bringing more energy, more decisiveness, swifter reactions… However, there are many unfortunate repercussions… If someone treats us unjustly, we must analyze if we can bear the injustice. If the negative consequences are not too great, I think it is best to accept it… I think that anger and hatred actually cause more harm to us than to the person responsible for our problem. Imagine that your neighbor hates you and is always causing problems for you. If you lose your temper and develop hatred toward him, your digestion is harmed, your sound sleep goes, and you have to start to use tranquilizers and sleeping pills. You then have to increase the dosages of these, which harms your body. Your mood is affected; as a result, your old friends hesitate to visit you. You gradually get more white hair and wrinkles and you may eventually develop more serious health problems. Then your neighbor is really happy. Without having inflicted any physical harm, he has fulfilled his wish! If in spite of his injustices, you remain calm, happy, and peaceful, your health remains strong, you continue to be joyful, and more friends come visit you. Your life becomes more successful. This really brings about worry in your neighbor’s mind. I think that this is the wise way to inflict harm upon your neighbor… There is a certain irrationality in responding to injustice or harm with hostility. Our hatred has no physical effect on our enemies; it does not harm them. Rather, it is we who suffer the ill consequences of such overwhelming bitterness. It eats us from within… It affects us profoundly, while our enemies continue along, blissfully unaware of the state we have been reduced to.”

A situation that provokes the natural response of anger is only a test. Do we have the patience and restraint to avoid the natural tendency toward anger and hatred? Or can we rise above the situation and remain calm? According to the Dalai Lama, “When we are faced with an enemy, a person or group of people wishing us harm, we can view this as an opportunity to develop patience and tolerance. We need these qualities; they are useful to us. And the only occasion we have to develop them is when we are challenged by an enemy. So, from this point of view, our enemy is our guru, our teacher. Irrespective of their motivation, from our point of view enemies are very beneficial, a blessing.”

Anger is a form of temporary insanity. We may find that if we can restrain our initial impulse to respond, the anger naturally subsides with time. As a friend explained, “Some comments or actions have caused me to feel intense anger and I usually feel the need to respond to the injustice immediately. Sometimes my desire for confrontation is overpowering. If I can’t reach the person to express my feelings, I have resorted to writing an email so that I can get the issue ‘off of my chest’ immediately. Undoubtedly, my response is harsher than if I had waited a few hours or days to respond. In some cases, friendships have been severed as a result of my reaction. On the other hand, when I have allowed time to pass, I find that the anger naturally becomes less severe. In some cases, I wonder why I was so angry at the time. A comment that causes extreme pain can appear to be insignificant a few days later. I have learned that if I have the restraint to avoid a confrontation right away, my responses are much more humane.”

Other manifestations of anger include jealousy and impatience. Jealousy is expressed because we are afraid of losing someone or something that we believe rightfully belongs to us. How can this definition apply to a human being? We do not own people. Our partners do not belong to us. A relationship is the choice to be with a person we love. Jealousy often results without an action of physical intimacy toward another human being; instead, it is the feeling that the object of our love desires someone else. If our partner desires another human being, clearly an infraction has occurred and the relationship has been violated. We can respond by ending the relationship, forgiving the person, expressing envy, feeling pain or feeling jealous of the “object” of desire. Jealousy is only a symptom of a much larger problem. Anger will never cure jealousy because jealousy results from insecurity, low self-esteem, irrational mistrust or a belief that the relationship is in trouble. Anger only exacerbates the problems that already exist. The irony of jealousy is that it cannot exist with true love. Love is impossible without trust, while jealousy implies a lack of trust. Jealousy says more about the person who expresses it than any external situation that appears to precipitate it. Since jealous people feel that they must “own” their partners, inevitably jealousy in a relationship will ensure its failure. One person consistently feels anger at the slightest provocation and the partner feels resentment for the lack of trust. Jealousy in a relationship is anger that will ultimately lead to destruction.

Another form of anger is impatience. We have all at one time or another felt out of control by long lines, traffic jams or other people’s perceived incompetence. Anger never solves these problems because by definition, they are out of our control. Controlling anger means that we need to feel comfort with elements that we cannot affect. Switching lanes in a traffic jam does not make the problem go away. If there is no exit or alternative route, we will only hurt ourselves by feeling angry. Does the anger really make us feel better or worse? The anger also channels itself into guilt. Unfortunately, instead of feeling anger, we feel a range of negative emotions. We feel guilty for making someone wait; we feel irresponsible for being unable to make the appointment and we feel anger that an external event caused all of these unfortunate results. Life always presents unexpected surprises and some of these events are negative. Since we have all been faced with unfortunate external circumstances, most people will understand and forgive the event that precipitated the inconvenience. We need to take the natural anger we feel and release it. Anger is under our control. We can simply decide not to express it.

The most dangerous form of anger is anger towards ourselves. Why do we want to punish ourselves? Anger usually appears because we expect more from ourselves than we are capable of achieving. We schedule too many appointments; we have unrealistic goals; we set idealistic deadlines; or we just don’t feel like accomplishing tasks that would mitigate the anger toward ourselves. These circumstances are actually the easiest to control. We can change our expectations and we can “let ourselves off the hook.” We are only human and often we just need to adjust our view of reality. In essence, we do what we want to do. There is a limited amount of time in the day and every minute of the day, we set our priorities. Some priorities may conflict with preconceived commitments, but we have to realize that there is nothing wrong with changing our priorities. We need to live in the present, rather than the past or the future. Today’s present is tomorrow’s past and yesterday’s future. Without the present, the past and future do not even exist. Time is only an illusion. We will eventually accomplish what we need to accomplish and the timelines we set are merely arbitrary.

Anger results from so many factors that it is impossible to list them all here. Anger often arises from an inability to accept people who are different from ourselves or because we expect more from a person than he or she is able to give. We may also feel anger if our beliefs and behavior are rejected by others or if someone receives something that we believe we deserve. In essence, disagreement, differences or expectations provoke anger. All of these types of anger result from insecurity, impatience or an idealistic view of the world. If we were truly secure with ourselves, rejection or differences could never cause anger. We are all unique individuals. If we let these differences upset us, we will always feel anger instead of peace. Furthermore, if we were patient, we could adjust our expectations. Anger is merely a difference between our concept of “fairness” or “equality” and the reality of the world. Yet, the truth is that life just isn’t fair.

Anger is clearly a negative response, while patience and tolerance are positive attributes. Expressing positive emotions in response to a negative scenario is not a sign of weakness; it is an expression of incredible strength. Anger is easy; patience, restraint and tolerance are close to godliness.

If we love others, we should be able to give more power to our love than to our anger. When God is represented as angry and resentful, it is in violation with our concept of a loving God. Love is not anger. Love is not vengeful. As stated in the New Testament, “Love is always patient and kind, it is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense, and it is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure; whatever comes. “

If we have the power to overcome anger in the presence of pain, we have the strength to rise above our humanity. No other human being can “cause” us to feel anger; it is simply a personal decision that leads to more pain and suffering. Instead of feeling anger, we can feel compassion. Instead of negatively reacting without patience, tolerance or understanding, we can express restraint and forgiveness. If we love others as ourselves, we can suppress our “natural” tendency toward anger with an understanding that we are all human beings striving for perfection and ultimately, we can understand that everyone makes mistakes.

Anger is a “knee jerk” reaction when confronted with a problem, inconvenience or frustration. It is easier to say harsh words with a degrading tone of voice when our “buttons” are pushed. It is easier to yell at inconsiderate drivers than to show compassion for their obvious lack of respect. Any situation that “causes” anger is an opportunity. Each person who aggravates us is a potential teacher for us. We should just view each situation as a test of our patience and restraint.

Spiritual evolution is not supposed to be easy. If we let the situation pass without feeling anger, we may be surprised at the contentment that surfaces. There is a sense of satisfaction knowing that an external event cannot cause us to react internally. The rude driver continues his day without thinking twice about the anger that was expressed. Yet, the anger we feel can last for hours. One rude gesture can make us feel that our sense of justice has been violated. Instead of reacting to the loss of a few seconds on a highway, we feel anger about the larger injustices of the world. We need to put life back into perspective. We are all human beings rushing around trying to get from place to place -- and some people will not let others get in their way. These types of actions usually have nothing to do with us, so why do we react to them so negatively?

In Tamar Frankiel’s book, The Gift of Kabbalah, she states, “If all the therapies and healing movements of the last two centuries have accomplished anything, it is to demonstrate beyond doubt that some of the patterned physical and emotional responses we accumulate are counterproductive, self-contradictory, and damaging to health and relationships. This is not a big surprise: Jewish mysticism, along with many other spiritual traditions, recognized the danger of carrying negative emotions. Scholarly rabbis, Zen masters and Christian monks all agree that passions such as anger, lust, and depression are hindrances on the spiritual path.”

We not only have power in controlling our own emotions, but we also have the power to mitigate the anger of others by apologizing even when we know that an apology is unwarranted. For example, one evening, my mother made some lemon bars and I cut one of them while they were cooling. When she saw me eating the lemon bar, she became angry that I had not waited until all the lemon bars were cut evenly. Normally, I would have responded to her anger by becoming angry myself. The need to have equally cut lemon bars seemed to be a petty reason for an argument. However, I merely apologized for ruining all of the lemon bars (even though my father later cut the rest of the bars and they were all the exact same size). When this tactic for instigating an argument was unsuccessful, she accused me of ruining Thanksgiving dinner because now the lemon bars would not be evenly cut. Surely, this remark should have made me angry because it was an absurd proclamation. Yet, I knew I could simply refuse to respond with anger. I merely apologized for ruining Thanksgiving dinner by cutting a lemon bar before they were evenly cut. I knew these apologies were unwarranted but they served the purpose of ensuring that an argument could not take place. Mutual anger and arguments were avoided simply because I refused to “take the bait.”

Undoubtedly, we have the ultimate power over our emotions. In response to a chaotic world, we can choose not to react. We all have the strength to remain calm when the rest of the world is trying to drive us crazy. We don’t have to succumb to the chaos -- instead, we can transcend it. As cited in Proverbs 16:32, “He who is slow to anger is better than the strong man, and a master of his passions is better than a conqueror of a city.”

We do not need to automatically express our “normal” human reactions. If we can take a step back, breathe slowly, and find inner peace, we can respond to others with love and compassion -- instead of anger, impatience, bitterness and resentment. This internal strength increases our happiness, improves our health, strengthens our relationships, and ensures that others are not deeply hurt by words or gestures that can never be taken back.

When I am alone, am I lonely?

I once asked a single friend who rarely dated if she was lonely. “When I look back on my life,” she replied, “I realize that I have spent most of my time alone. But when I think about the times when I was the loneliest, there was usually someone sitting next to me.” It is often easier to feel lonely in a noisy crowd than in an empty house filled with silence. Being alone is a physical condition, but being lonely is an emptiness that affects us emotionally, intellectually or spiritually.

Loneliness becomes more complex with age. In grammar school, loneliness is cured if someone agrees to come outside and play. In college, “playing with someone” is used as a distraction or temporary relief from thinking about the issues that separate us from everyone else. Later in life the escape strategies become more deceptive. People use alcohol, drugs, sex, work, religion, social activities, marriage, children, friendship, pets, music, television or exercise to escape the fear of being lonely. Any external device can be used to alter consciousness or to allow us to feel that we are connected to other people. Human beings were not created as self-sufficient organisms. Food, water and oxygen are required for survival. Perpetuating the species requires the union of egg and sperm. In colder climates, clothing is needed to protect the body from the devastating brutality of nature. Loneliness is a disease that can be fatal, but people who can find happiness and fulfillment alone can always create an environment that eliminates loneliness.

The avoidance of loneliness requires an internal or external connection through the heart, soul and mind to others, the universe, God or oneself. For some, the greatest loneliness is feeling separate from God (which may be an illusion instead of a reality). Many people take the “road most traveled” by thinking that they can avoid loneliness through conformity. Loneliness is a feeling that we are “different” or unconnected to other people. Conformity gives us the false reassurance that we are similar to everyone else. If we look similar to other people, and if our actions are “normal” and our thoughts are shared, then how could we be lonely? Conformity through religion is an effective cure for loneliness because similar people congregate at the same place at the same time to tell each other that their belief systems are shared by the group. Conformity of appearance avoids the fear of being judged negatively for being different. In the 60’s, everyone wore bell-bottoms. It was easier to conform to the rules of fashion than to be judged as being old-fashioned or outdated. In the 50’s, women were judged as being promiscuous if they dared to wear anything other than a one-piece bathing suit to the beach. Yet what is conformity? It is the illusionary reflection of ourselves in other people. If we continually see ourselves in others, then we falsely believe that we are not alone. And if we are not alone, then how could we be lonely?

I once asked a male friend why he was dating someone who he had nothing in common with and he replied, “I’m lonely. When I am with her I feel less alone.” Why do we believe that finding a mate solves the problem of loneliness? My friend’s relationship confused me because he should have felt lonelier in this relationship because none of his values were shared. Yet, for him, a physical connection overshadowed the need to connect intellectually or spiritually.

I once confessed to a group of people at my ski house that I wanted to share my life with someone similar to myself. I was immediately criticized. “How could you possibly desire someone similar? I want someone who is the complete opposite of myself,” adamantly replied a woman in the group. I had a difficult time understanding her point of view. With the goal of self-improvement, we spend our entire lives incorporating attributes that we find admirable and rejecting personality characteristics that we find offensive. Wouldn’t we be less lonely with someone who shared the values and attributes that we have chosen to accept? By seeking someone with opposite personality characteristics, aren’t we indirectly saying that we don’t desire the qualities we have developed in ourselves? Is it possible that we are admitting that being alone makes us lonely?

In Symposium, Plato makes the argument that we desire and love the attributes we lack, rather than the characteristics that we already possess. Plato wrote that “love is wanting something that you do not currently possess,” and the implication is that we seek to compensate for our weaknesses by finding those strengths externally. The basic argument -- that if a person currently possesses a certain quality, he would have no desire to acquire it -- is generally true. For example, a strong man does not desire strength because he already has it. A beautiful woman may not desire beauty because she already possesses it. Yet, there are a few fallacies with this generalization. First of all, we may desire to acquire attributes that we lack only if they are characteristics we want but have been unable to obtain. We surely would not desire to acquire a negative attribute, such as hatred, even though we may not already possess it. Second, this argument is too simplistic for love. With respect to a potential partner, we do not love someone simply because this person has characteristics that we do not possess. If this were the case, none of our basic values would be shared. For example, if we possessed honesty, we would not seek someone who possessed the opposite character trait. If we were open-minded and extroverted, we would not necessarily seek someone who is closed-minded and introverted. Furthermore, even if we desire a characteristic that we do not currently possess, why would we seek this attribute in another human being instead of trying to develop it ourselves? The presence of the personality trait in another person does not allow us to “own” the characteristic; it only ensures that we will be exposed to this particular attribute when we interact with the other person.

I understand the need to share life with someone who complements our personality traits, but I don’t understand why we would seek our opposite. I do believe that complementary attributes add depth and richness to a relationship. For example, if someone appreciates the arts and performs modern dance, it could be extremely fulfilling to find someone who also appreciates the arts but has a degree in art history. These two people share their appreciation of artistic endeavors but each person’s expertise is different. At the other end of the spectrum is someone who cannot appreciate the arts at all. How is a relationship enhanced when the woman is inspired by art and music, while the man is completely consumed by sports? The compromise appears to be a separation and increased loneliness, rather than unity. On a Sunday afternoon, the woman spends her time at an art gallery, while the man attends a game at the stadium or is mesmerized by a wrestling match on TV.

Creating a fulfilling relationship is similar to creating a delicious recipe. Some ingredients go well together, while the addition of others can create something extremely distasteful. It doesn’t mean that the additional ingredients are “bad,” it just means that when the ingredients come together, the combination can be undesirable. For example, peanut butter by itself is delicious. Asparagus, by itself, is also appetizing. Yet when you combine peanut butter with asparagus, the result can be catastrophic. Although the ingredients alone are favorable, together they can be repulsive. Peanut butter needs the appropriate complementary ingredients to enhance the end result. Peanut butter with jelly or bananas can be better than peanut butter by itself and asparagus with hollandaise can improve the taste of the asparagus. Similarly, a relationship can be enhanced when complementary “ingredients” or personality characteristics come together as one. In fact, a complementary connection may be the perfect cure for loneliness. There is an acceptance of the “basics” and the union of complementary interests, beliefs or values allows the relationship to transcend to a higher level.

Being physically alone is simple; it means that there is no other human being nearby. However, loneliness is only one of many feelings that can accompany the physical isolation. A person who is alone in a room praying to God may not feel lonely at all; and a person in a state of meditation can feel a sense of fulfillment and connection that transcends the human experience. The most enriching experience on earth can happen while someone is alone in nature because there can be an intense spiritual connection with the perfection of the universe.

If someone is lonely while being alone, the most transparent solution may be to invite another person to join the experience; but this solution is only physical. If the loneliness results from feeling alone emotionally, intellectually or spiritually, another person can actually exacerbate the loneliness. Loneliness is most effectively eliminated by connecting with something or someone that has similar ideas, values, beliefs or perceptions.

A scene from the movie Mahogany effectively illustrates this point. She was trying to prove that she wasn’t lonely because she was accepted by strangers. “Everybody loves me. I will never be lonely because I am a success!” she screamed. As her lover saved himself by leaving her behind, he retorted that no matter how popular she became, it would never cure her loneliness because “success means nothing without someone you love to share it with.” External acceptance is a disguise that hides the need for an intimate connection with another human being. Some people seek fame, popularity or recognition as a substitute for love and as an illusionary cure for loneliness. The saddest moment is when someone finally realizes that external “cures” cannot fill an emptiness that resides at the core of the soul.

I feel lonelier with people who cannot accept my individuality than when I am physically alone. I accept me. If there are actions I don’t accept, I change them. When I am sitting alone in my house, I find comfort in knowing that there is at least one person in the room who does not want me to be someone I am not. I don’t date often because I am usually lonelier socializing with someone who wants me to “fit in.” I’ve always accepted the fact that I am different and that I don’t always conform to other people’s expectations. Connecting with other people has always been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life; but it is a rare event, which is why it is so special. I am often alone without being lonely and I feel that I can cure loneliness only by being selective about whom I choose to spend time with. The problem isn’t solved by letting more people in. The solution is to share yourself, your dreams, and your values with people who can truly appreciate them.

A person who is not lonely alone may still feel intense loneliness if there is no one to communicate with. For example, the people who travel a path toward spiritual growth or enlightenment often become frustrated because it is difficult to find “classmates” or “teachers” who can enhance the journey. These people can cure their loneliness through internal fulfillment but may become lonely if they are unable to connect with like-minded individuals. In other words, although being alone with spiritual thoughts does not cause internal loneliness, there can be an external loneliness that is difficult to cure (i.e., being alone is not enough). Furthermore, this external loneliness can grow exponentially if the person continually retreats to the internally created “safe environment” that enables further spiritual growth (in an effort to increase self-fulfillment and reduce loneliness).

Unwittingly, these spiritual people may travel farther down the “road less traveled,” which further separates them the majority. They may actually reach a point where external connections feel impossible. Their only cure for an external solution is by reading spiritual literature or by using concentrated efforts to find the minority that shares similar belief systems. These people also need to accept that the majority may not connect with them intellectually or spiritually but there are still people whose company can be extremely fulfilling. For example, many people may not be able to teach wisdom, but if they are caring people, they can be appreciated for their generosity, compassion and ability to love. Not everyone has to connect on every level and it is important to realize that we may never find our spiritual clones.

Some people seek therapy to cure feelings of loneliness. Once a week, someone is paid to listen to our problems and help us find solutions. Therapy can be an effective process for reducing loneliness, but it can also increase it. We expect that the therapist will help us, understand us, and provide us with empathy and compassion. However, if the wrong therapist is chosen or if the person is facing unique problems that are misunderstood by the therapist, the patient can end up feeling more alone. Western medicine has the tendency to diagnose and prescribe. If a patient is on a spiritual path, these methods can be counter-productive. There is no standard medical diagnosis and no chemical cures. This person may actually need a shaman, rather than a psychologist, and in the Western world, these types of “therapists” are difficult to find.

The ultimate solution for loneliness is to first feel comfortable alone by finding spiritual fulfillment that is not dependent on others. After discovering internal peace of mind, we can increase our happiness and reduce our loneliness by sharing ourselves with other people. Yet, it is important to understand that loneliness is not necessarily cured by other people -- it can actually be created by them. Nothing is lonelier than pulling down the covers, and sliding into bed next to someone who makes you feel alone. Being alone is not a physical condition; it is only feeling lonely in the company of others.

Patience is a Virtue

Patience is one of the most important spiritual values; yet few of us have actually achieved this quality. Unexpectedly, our computer freezes or we get stuck in traffic and our natural tendency for impatience appears. For one moment (and perhaps even longer), we are filled with anger about something we cannot control. Impatience hurts no one except ourselves – unless we take out our anger on the people who are close to us. If we hurt others because we are frustrated by an uncontrollable event, we have committed an act of aggression that is completely unfair to the other person. The affected person did not cause the event, so why should he or she be punished by our inability to deal with it? And why should we punish ourselves for something that is out of our control?

Practicing patience takes incredible self-control. It means that we don’t let the frustrating external events affect our peace of mind. This philosophy is easier said than done. Impatience is a “knee-jerk” reaction. It feels like a natural reflex to the event that precipitated the emotion. Yet, we have the power to train our minds and to control our impatience. For example, I was once late to an appointment and I got stuck in a line at the post office. There was nothing I could do to change the situation because the package had to go out that day and the post office would be closed if I waited until the appointment was over. The woman at the counter was incredibly slow and spent time having casual conversations with the customers. I immediately felt my impatience rising to the surface, but I used the event to test my patience. I had control over the way I reacted to the situation – I could be patient or impatient. I knew that nothing would change by my impatience but for some reason, I initially believed that it was a necessary release for the anger I felt inside. Yet, then I realized that I didn’t need to feel the anger. Wasn’t this my own fault for not leaving enough time to mail the package? If I weren’t late, I could be patient because time wouldn’t matter so much. I then looked behind me. There were 15 other people standing in the same line due to the slow response from the counter. Instead of feeling impatient, I started to feel compassion for the other people. They would have to wait longer than I had to wait and I knew that all of them were feeling the same frustration over a circumstance that could not be changed. When I switched the anger and impatience to compassion, my emotional state completely changed. My impatience was gone. The worst thing that would happen is that I would be late to the appointment, which would probably be forgiven by agreeing to end the meeting at the same time as scheduled. I would just have to present my case faster than I expected. I knew that the lateness was not the post office’s fault; it was my own. Taking responsibility for the action reduced my natural inclination for frustration, and in turn, I conquered my feelings of impatience.

Why is patience so important? I think there are larger issues associated with obtaining patience, such as tolerance, self-control, and restraint. Without patience, we could never be tolerant of people who are different from ourselves. Instead, impatience can rise to the surface because we may believe that these people have views that are based on convoluted rationale or faulty logic. Only with genuine patience and an open mind, can we understand why they feel the way they do.

On the other side of the coin, many people feel impatient when they are confronted with someone who can’t understand what they are trying to say or when another person’s mind takes longer to process information (or to explain concepts). Inherently, we want other people’s minds to work in the same way that our minds work. If we can explain a concept in 5 minutes, we do not expect that others will take 20 minutes to explain the same thing. It takes great patience to understand that other people may need more time to comprehend information or to express a point of view. While this scenario is common when adults are trying to explain concepts to children, we tend to give children greater leeway. When adults are talking to other adults, they do not expect large discrepancies in the ability to process and regurgitate information. Yet, we all are different and our minds are different. A concept that seems obvious to one person may seem obscure to another. With tolerance, self-control and restraint, we can give the more leeway to people who may not live up to our expectations. Instead of being frustrated that someone else may process information slowly or differently, we should feel fortunate that our brains can rapidly comprehend difficult information. Patience also allows us to be tolerant of other’s opinions even if we don’t agree with them.

I once heard someone criticize a person who was having difficulty understanding a particular concept. He whispered to a mutual friend, “If you told her you would give her a penny for her thoughts, you would probably get change.” This is a case of extreme intolerance. Instead of being sensitive to the possibility that this person may process information differently, the slower response time was turned into a negative judgment and rude criticism (which was unfairly used to make one person feel superior to another). Patience with others means that we give them the benefit of the doubt. We don’t make unfair judgments and we don’t criticize; we simply understand that other people’s minds are different from our own.

Another downside of impatience is that we may not be able to effectively control our desires. We live in a “fast-food” economy and impatience causes us to want everything “now.” Without patience, we do not have the restraint to avoid fulfilling all of our desires as soon as we can. If we want to make money quickly, we may not have the desire to go to college because the degree delays our ability to generate income (unless we believe that college will increase our ability to make money, which makes us view college as a necessary investment in human capital). If we want to feel ecstasy now, we may not have the restraint to avoid alcohol and drugs. A state of natural ecstasy can exist by training the mind through meditation. This is the long path toward fulfillment and takes a strong commitment that does not “pay off” immediately. It may just be easier to obtain temporary ecstasy through mind-altering substances. Thus, by developing patience, we increase our self-control.

Impatience can also cause us to ruin relationships. For example, we may want serious romantic involvement immediately but this impatience can scare another person away. If we can be patient enough to wait for the right timing, we may find that a possible rejection is avoided. I once dated someone who I was not interested in romantically. Yet, he was very patient with me and never asked me to make a decision about pursuing an intimate relationship. A few months later, my emotions changed. If he had been impatient in the beginning of the relationship, I would have been forced to reject him before I could get to know him better.

Subtle impatience occurs when certain people’s behaviors “get on our nerves.” The “little things” can really bother us and annoying personality characteristics can cause extreme frustration. For example, some individuals eat with their mouth open or chew very loudly. Once this behavior is noticed, every single bite can sound like a hailstorm. Even though one person may be “polite” by not saying anything, he or she can be going crazy inside. Undoubtedly, we all know this is a trivial concern, but eventually it can become extremely annoying and the hidden frustration can easily turn into disparaging remarks. Subsequently, the loud eater is caught off-guard because he has no idea that something is wrong.

Another form of subtle impatience is when grown children visit their parents. Often, their parents’ intonations and body language immediately cause the children to express frustration and impatience as they are reminded of the way that they were treated long ago. Harmless statements can turn into arguments merely because the tone of voice was condescending. Spouses can also do things that are extremely irritating, or as Thomas Aquinas said, “familiarity breeds contempt.” A good example of this was portrayed in the movie, The Wedding Planner. The future bride said, “I hate that he sings in the shower and chews on pen caps and it drives me nuts when he rolls up his left pant leg after he has eaten too much.” Independently, none of these things seem particularly problematic. Yet, after a period of time, the little things cause the greatest amount of impatience. In all of these cases, we may find ourselves losing our temper over insignificant words and gestures. It takes great patience to ignore the little things bother us. We already know that these things are unimportant but without patience, they can seem to be bigger problems than they really are. To avoid outbursts, we have to be able to put things in their proper perspective. We need to be able to ignore the words and gestures that cause our tempers to rise. Self-control, tolerance and restraint are the qualities we need to overcome our natural tendency to overact.

Impatience also surfaces when people repeat themselves over and over. Inside, the listener is struggling against screaming, “But you have already said the same thing three times before and the last time you said it was only five minutes ago!” People who continually repeat themselves have a problem with memory (sometimes short-term memory and sometimes long-term memory). It is appropriate to remind the person that you have already heard the story in a compassionate way, such as “Yes, I remember that you told me about that; and wasn’t it wonderful.” The worst thing to do is to listen to the story again, while letting the anger, impatience and frustration build up inside. The response to the repeated story is usually curt and flippant because it can be infuriating to repeat a reaction that someone obviously did not hear the first time. However, if you can listen again and be silent and polite, while not harboring any negative thoughts, then it may be appropriate to hear the story again so that you can avoid embarrassing the person about his or her forgetfulness. The second method invokes compassion for the temporary lapse in memory and protects the person’s pride.

Impatience is like anger – we end up hurting ourselves through increased blood pressure, mental agitation, faster heart rates, and other negative physical conditions. Impatience also causes us to treat others with disrespect. Inevitably, the person who feels impatient takes out his or her anger on the person who is believed “responsible” for the inequity. At the post office, I saw customers treating the postal worker with contempt. She was doing the best that she could; the post office was simply understaffed. Yet she became the scapegoat for the post office’s inefficiency.

In general, we need to stop reacting to things we cannot control. Impatience is only frustration with the events of our lives that we cannot change. If we had control over these events, we would simply take action instead of feeling impatient. We have to understand that much of what we experience in life is out of our control. We can go to great lengths to ensure that we will not be stuck in a traffic jam, but an unexpected accident can still cause the traffic to come to a dead halt. There was no way to know that a car would lose control an hour before we left home. If we cannot change an event, we simply need to accept it rather than feeling anger that has no purpose except to upset us internally.

We also cannot change other people unilaterally. If we choose to feel anger every time someone does something we don’t like, we will live in a world of anger and impatience. In the end, we only hurt others and ourselves.

How do we change our natural tendency to become impatient? I suppose there are a variety of different methods that will control impatience: 1) we could be more tolerant of the perceived inadequacies, 2) we could feel sympathy for others who are faced with the same inconvenience, 3) we could express compassion for ourselves for having to face the negative scenario, or 4) we can forgive a personality characteristic that we judge negatively. We are all just human, after all.

We could also divert our thinking to control our peace of mind. If someone is driving us crazy, we can refuse to pay attention. While we are waiting impatiently, we could use the time to focus on our breathing, which stimulates an internal calmness and a sense of euphoria. Many people say they have no time to meditate because they believe that meditation has to be conducted in a certain way. Yet, meditation can happen anywhere. Instead of feeling frustrated about being stuck in a line that doesn’t move, we can use the time to meditate. Or maybe we can view the unfortunate situation as a way of meeting a stranger. Two people stuck in line are sharing something in common, which could be a way of starting a conversation. The resulting dialogue could reduce the impatience for both people. Though it is important to have a positive conversation even though the two people are experiencing a negative event. If we are in a car, we can use the time to read, listen to music, or hear a book on tape. Surely, these activities are better than feeling frustration over a problem that has no solution.

The irony of patience is that it requires patience to develop patience. It is a circular problem. If we are impatient with ourselves, we will not have the discipline necessary to develop patience. We need to be patient enough to calm our internal state of mind when it does not want to be controlled. It is easier to express anger and frustration than to find peace of mind through patience. Furthermore, patience leads to further patience and impatience leads to more impatience. For example, impatience may cause us to cut others off during a conversation when we feel that they are taking too long to express their point of view. If we could relax and let them take as long as they like to make their point, then other people would not express impatience in return. The patience of one participant in a discussion leads to patience in the other person as well. Or stated a different way -- if we are impatient with people, they respond with impatience. They start cutting us off because we did not give them the chance to finish what they were saying. We assume we knew where they were going, but perhaps we didn’t. Without patience, we can never know for sure.

As stated by the Dalai Lama, “We need to put the practice of patience at the heart of our daily lives. It is a question of familiarizing ourselves with it, at the deepest level, so that when we do find ourselves in a difficult situation, although we may have to make an extra effort, we know what is involved. On the other hand, if we ignore the practice of patience until we are actually experiencing trouble, it is quite likely we will not succeed in resisting provocation. One of the best ways to begin familiarizing ourselves with the virtue of patience is by taking time to reflect systematically on its benefits. It is the source of forgiveness… and it enables us to have compassion for the individual. Similarly, when we develop the ability patiently to forebear, we find that we develop a proportionate reserve of calmness and tranquility. We tend to be less antagonistic and more pleasant to associate with. This in turn, creates a positive atmosphere around us so that it is easier for others to relate to us. And being better grounded emotionally through the practice of patience, we find that not only do we become much stronger mentally and spiritually, but we tend to be healthier physically.”

Parents who are patient with their children help develop patience in the next generation. If we see our parents losing control when the slightest thing goes wrong, we are likely to emulate the behavior. It takes great patience to avoid being frustrated by children who may not always live up to our expectations. Though if we have the restraint to avoid impatience, we are helping our children achieve patience as well.

Even great spiritual leaders who understand the value of patience can be guilty of being impatient from time to time. I know of no one who does not list impatience as a fault. Even Jesus expressed impatience when others could not understand him. Patience is truly one of the hardest and most important virtues. It requires a detachment of ego or self from the event that is causing frustration. If we are attached to the outcome, we are more likely to pass judgment or to have certain expectations that cannot be realized. Developing patience is an understanding that inner peace, regardless of external circumstances, is sacred. In essence, patience requires us to rise above our humanity.

Every teacher needs to have patience with his or her students. Without patience, the student will never learn. Instead, there will be alienation from the professor and defensiveness from the student. Walls will appear that block the message from reaching its recipient. Impatience is condescending. The “victim” feels inferior and thus, will refuse to learn. We learn from the people we respect and we ignore the ones who we feel contempt for. If we have the desire to share our knowledge with others, we have to be patient enough to understand that everyone learns according to their own schedule. There are many individuals who now understand what Jesus was trying to teach, but it has taken 2,000 years for the messages to become clear. Humankind needed to evolve spiritually to understand the essence of his arguments and some priests still miss the major points even after years of dedicated study. Correspondingly, some individuals can spend the majority of their lives trying to understand the Kabbalah before the importance of its message is comprehended.

In general, the most effective method for increasing patience is by ignoring the insignificant things that bother us. The people who annoy us are not intentionally trying to hurt us; we are just irritated by things about them that we cannot control. If we can’t control their personalities, we have to realize that the annoying characteristics are here to stay. We can either exclude these people from our lives or choose to tolerate them. The inappropriate response is to lose patience with them. No one deserves to be treated with disrespect. If we cannot respect the people in our lives, we should probably limit our contact with them.

As further stated by the Dalai Lama, “As a second step to familiarize ourselves with the virtue of patience, it is also very helpful to think of adversity not so much as a threat to our peace of mind but rather as the very means by which patience is attained. From this perspective, we see that those who would harm us are, in a sense, teachers of patience… From adversity we can learn the value of patient forbearance. And in particular, those who would harm us give us unparalleled opportunities to practice disciplined behavior.”

With patience we can have respect for others who are different from ourselves, we can tolerate opinions that conflict with our belief systems and we can forgive personality characteristics that annoy us. Patience also allows us to understand that everything does not have to happen right away and we can feel forgiveness for unnecessary delays. Happiness can take a lifetime and love may not appear until we have given up on it. Timelines simply set expectations, but with patience we have the power to control our expectations. Frustration appears only when things happen slower than we think they should happen. If we expect that certain events will take a long time, we could be pleasantly surprised by their occurrence rather than frustrated by their delay. For example, if a little girl were told that she would meet her “prince” at the age of 60, she would not be surprised or impatient if she had not met him when she was 35. And if she did meet him at 35, she would be pleasantly surprised to have an extra 25 years with this person. If we expect that it will take an hour to mail a package, we may be pleasantly surprised by a 30-minute line.

We have to accept that we cannot control everything around us. After a husband dies, the wife sometimes waits impatiently to join him. Yet, without committing suicide, she must wait for her natural time of death. This does not mean that she wakes up everyday disappointed that she is still alive. She can still enjoy the time she has left. With a combination of patience and an ability to find activities that she enjoys, she can wait with a calm state of mind. Impatience is like watching grass grow. We can stare at the grass everyday with frustration that its progress is incredibly slow or we could lie in the sun and appreciate the nice days that contribute to its growth.

Virtues are never easy to obtain and patience is one of the hardest. Since we need patience to develop patience, the end goal can seem incredibly difficult, if not impossible. Yet, we all have the ability to cultivate patience in others and ourselves. It just may take a lifetime to accomplish it.

The Coexistance of Opposites

According to biblical stories, the creation of this existence was the recognition of opposites. Symbolically, in the Garden of Eden, Eve finally recognized that she was different from Adam and separate from God. Prior to this realization, there was no good or bad; all things were good. With the recognition of opposites came the feelings of fear and guilt because the reality of opposites inevitably leads to judgment. Honesty is good. Lying is bad. Generosity is good. Greediness is bad.

This view of the world is too simplistic. No human being can be entirely honest all the time. Since self-preservation is required, there is at least the presence of greed within all generous people. Greed is defined as the excessive desire for possessions or wealth. Yet, what is excessive? It is always relative to another person’s economic situation. All people with wealth would be considered greedy by the poor people who live in Indonesia. A wealthy person may buy a million dollar house and give $100 million to charity. Is this person greedy or generous? Couldn’t happiness be achieved with a $200,000 house? Or with no house at all?

Our reality consists as a balance of opposites. Every brave person still feels fear. Bravery only requires the recognition that something is more important than the fear. The emotions stimulated by fear are channeled into a desire to be strong. Brave people realize that the benefits of conquering fear lead to a life that is filled challenge and victory, even at the expense of danger and destruction. Or as the old saying goes, “The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.”

Even the definition of an element is relative to its opposite. In the North Pole, 60 degrees may feel hot while 60 degrees is cold at the equator. Are there any absolute opposites that exist in this world? Extremes can usually be defined as an opposite. For example, someone whose height is seven feet is currently considered tall. The majority defines the attribute. If everyone were seven feet tall, the height would not be classified as tall.

As stated in A Brief History of Western Philosophy, Socrates concluded that “If two things are opposites, each of them comes into being from the other. If someone goes to sleep, she must have been awake. If someone wakes up, he must have been asleep. Again, if A becomes greater than B, then A must have been less than B. If A becomes better than B, then A must have been worse than B. Thus, these opposites, greater and less, plus better and worse, just like sleeping and waking, come into being from each other. But death and life are opposites, and the same must hold true here also. Those who die, obviously enough, are those who have been living; should we not conclude that dying in its turn is followed by living?”

Joseph Campbell relates a similar story of life coming from death. He says, “It’s amazing: one after another, you discover these gods who are at once of death and of generation. The death god, Ghede, of the Haitian Voodoo tradition, is also the sex god. The Egyptian god Osiris was the judge and lord of the dead, and the lord of the regeneration of life. It is a basic theme – that which dies is born. You have to have death in order to have life.”

According to Eastern philosophy, opposites continually flow into each other and in every element lies a portion of its opposite. According to Lama Govinda: “The relationship of form and emptiness cannot be conceived as a state of mutually exclusive opposites, but only as two aspects of the same reality, which coexist and are in continual cooperation.”

It is actually the presence of the opposite that brings about change. For instance, in every peaceful situation, there is the presence of turmoil. The turmoil, if erupted, will lead to a movement toward war. In war, there is always the desire for peace, which leads us back to a peaceful environment. If there were no turmoil in a peaceful environment, a state of complacency could develop. If there were no desire for peace during wartime, a continual state of war would be perpetuated. Opposites also coexist in nature. In the center of a brutal hurricane is perfect peace in the eye of the storm. There are painful thorns that protect a beautiful and delicate rose. Spectacular rainbows are created by the coexistence of the sun and the rain.

Often it is impossible to appreciate an attribute without experiencing its opposite. For example, it may be difficult to appreciate love without an understanding of the pain that comes from an absence of love. If everyone experienced love from every individual on the planet, the emotion could be taken for granted. Love becomes expected rather than appreciated. If we experienced perfect weather every day, inevitably, we would take it for granted. Appreciating a nice day would be difficult because every day is nice. People who live in colder climates appreciate the beginning of Spring because they have just endured a difficult Winter. The contrast in temperature is the impetus that leads to the appreciation.

Even the most basic actions may be withdrawn to invoke an appreciation. For instance, I used to take it for granted that I would sleep every night. I had been sleeping since I was born. Then unexpectedly, I was unable to sleep for three days straight and it was the most horrendous three days of my life. I was unable to function normally and I felt mentally unbalanced. Since that period, I have learned to appreciate the ability to sleep. Encountering its opposite caused me to appreciate its presence. We often suffer when we are faced with negative circumstances. However, we can view the suffering as an opportunity to appreciate its opposite.

Change can be resisted but it will always occur. One attribute is always flowing towards its opposite. When we reach the lowest point of despair, the only certainty is that the flow of life will move us to a better situation. It is also unwise to be extremely comfortable during periods of prosperity because inevitably, movement in the other direction is ensured. During difficult times, we can get caught in a downward spiral of negativity by believing that the direction we are moving is permanent. Yet the only certainty is that the negativity will turn around. Everything in life is impermanent; our only mistake in judgment is assuming that impermanence is actually permanent. Life itself is not permanent. We can fight the flow of life by forcing movement in one direction or another but then we are flowing against the natural cyclical movement of life. Sometimes it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel but darkness and light coexist. In fact, darkness cannot even be defined if there were no light since darkness is the absence of light and light immediately dispels the perception of darkness. The darkness is still there, it is only obscured by the light. In every dark moment, there is an element of light that if sparked can lead us to the other direction.

In every bad situation, there is good. If we focus on the positive, the focus itself will switch the flow of movement in the right direction. An independent consultant once remarked, “I could never understand why there was always too much business at once or no business at all. It almost seemed like a single contract signing after a period of inactivity started the movement in the other direction. I’ve had to adjust my expectations to be prepared for business prosperity or a period of complete inactivity. No matter how hard I try to change this flow, it inevitably returns.”

Since opposites cannot be defined as good or bad and since there is continual flow from one extreme to the other, we need to be comfortable within the balance of competing forces. When external events bring us down, we need to have faith that negative events eventually turn into positive events. Often people find that at the moment of failure comes a period of success. The only individuals who find themselves in trouble are the ones who refuse to believe that failures are temporary. We can convince ourselves that we are unsuccessful, which reduces our self-esteem and causes us to lose faith in ourselves. It is not the negative event that causes failure. The destruction is rooted in the change in self-perception. It takes great faith in the balance of life to assume that negative events will turn positive. The movement toward the opposite force requires a focus on the smallest positive element during a storm. By channeling efforts toward the positive, we give power to the spark that can bring about our transformation.

After a brutal murder or tragedy, the first question is, “if there is a God, how could he have allowed this tragedy to occur?” We questioned the existence of a positive universal force after the Holocaust and after the September 11^th tragedy. How can a God that is good allow such evil to happen? We place judgments on catastrophes. They are indisputably negative. Yet what if the tragedy is necessary to spark a universal flow toward the positive? Didn’t the McCarthy “witch hunts” cause us to appreciate the value of the First Amendment? Without the Holocaust, would genocide and ethnic cleansing become a way of life in many parts of the world? Would our focus on human rights be diminished if they had not been severely violated during World War II? Without these atrocities, in the future one race might have been able to declare superiority and slowly convince others that inferior members of the planet be eradicated. In turn, the horror of the Holocaust may ensure that a massive alienation of differences will never be tolerated.

We assume that tragedies are negative because we also assume that death is negative. Yet, what if death is not really negative at all? What if it is only a transformation that brings us back to our “home” that is filled with absolute love and compassion? If death were actually positive, then what we perceive as negativity is just an illusion. The negativity of death is clearly the suffering endured by the people who are left behind. The pain of loss is objectively “bad.” Yet this observation assumes that pain is also negative because it hurts. What if pain is necessary for spiritual growth? What if pain is really a gift that we don’t understand or appreciate while we experience it? If pain is not really negative and death is not really negative then it is hard to judge the reason for a particular atrocity. We may not have the whole story because we will never know the events on the timelines that never occurred.

The coexistence of opposites means that every negative event carries the elements of something positive. Pain, if endured, will transcend to pleasure and pleasure is never permanent. A belief in the cyclical movement of the universe means that we cannot be caught in a downward spiral without finding paradise at a later time.

However, we can fight the natural flow of opposites by holding onto the negativity and by refusing to allow its transformation. Our perceptions create our reality. We can see negativity in every positive event and we can ignore the positive that is imbedded in the negative. Many people believe that wealth is simply positive. Yet, wealth can lead to greed, a misuse of power or selfishness. We define material success as positive by ignoring the negative attributes that can follow.

We defined the marriage of Princess Diana and Prince Charles as positive without understanding the pain that was hidden beneath the surface. We learned to love the vulnerability of a princess who appeared to be perfect. The coexistence of weakness and strength made her lovable. We relate to the extremes of an unhappy princess because it more closely resembles reality. As soon as Princess Diana achieved the ability to love unconditionally, we lost the expression of her beauty and compassion when she died. Fairytales cannot exist in real life because nothing remains positive forever. No one can live happily ever after because it assumes that the positive can continue without encountering its negative. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage if we define perfection as perpetual happiness. Every marriage or love affair will face the cyclical nature of the good and the bad.

The perception of good and bad are simply labels that may not represent reality at all. We believe it is positive to be a famous movie star while they suffer the fate of a complete loss of privacy and continual criticism. Fame is always fleeting and there is the continual fear that its end may be near. Will our next accomplishment always be better than our last? It‘s easy to judge predicaments that we don’t understand. Everyone else’s life can appear better than our own if we fail to appreciate the positive attributes that we already have. It’s hard to appreciate good health until we are faced with illness. We focus on the negative attribute that is monopolizing our attention and forget that its opposite is also its natural evolution.

We need to understand that the transcendence from “good” to “bad” brings about the ultimate balance in the universe. Our life is continually about flow from one extreme to the other – from life to death – from poverty to wealth – from sickness to health, and from pain to pleasure. Depression fades and the euphoria of love turns into tears. The tears then dissolve into an entity that has transformed – just like a caterpillar evolves from the immovable “mush” of a cocoon to the flight of a beautiful butterfly. That is the true transformation of life -- the impermanence of our current circumstances. Faith helps us make the journey from one opposite to the other. If we can go with the flow of life without forcing our own insecurities and fears to affect the final outcome, we may find that there is beauty in pain and that the hard times we endure are only preparing us for the pleasure that lies ahead.

From Tao Te Ching, by Lao Tzu

When people see things as beautiful,

Other things become ugly.

When people see some things as good,

Other things become bad.

Being and non-being create each other.

Difficult and easy support each other.

Long and short define each other.

High and low depend on each other.

Before and after follow each other.

Therefore the Master

Acts without doing anything

And teaches without saying anything.

Things arise and she lets them come;

Things disappear and she lets them go.

She has but doesn’t possess,

Acts but doesn’t expect.

When her work is done, she forgets it.

That is why it lasts forever.