The Punishment of Anger

Many people believe that anger is a natural human response and in many ways, uncontrollable. If someone upsets or disappoints us, we feel justified to express anger. However, most people don’t realize that anger is essentially destructive and futile. Although we may feel that anger “punishes” the agitator, the expression of hostility causes severe damage the person who expresses it. When there is anger, we always need to remember that our own frustration, intolerance, impatience, pain and distress are hiding right below the surface. Anger is usually a reflection of internal suffering. Perhaps we need to face the pain, instead of expressing the anger.

When we feel the “need” to express anger, it is simply a decision. There are many ways to deal with inequities in life and only one of these options is anger. We always have a choice to confront a person without the emotion of anger, even though this decision takes a great deal of patience and restraint. What is the purpose of anger? Does it make us feel better or worse? By expressing anger, are we helping to improve or deteriorate the situation that precipitated the emotion? Or are we trying to hide or mitigate the pain that underlies its expression?

Anger does not ensure that another person will take responsibility for the actions that provoked the emotion. In fact, the opposite is usually true. Once anger is expressed, an automatic reaction of defensiveness appears. The person on the receiving end feels the need to justify the inequity even if he or she is certain that a wrong has been committed. Anger is like a tornado that slowly builds into a very destructive force. Words are said that cannot be taken back and the negative emotions are extremely harmful to any person who is affected by the anger (including the people who witness the anger).

As human beings, we have the power to avoid responding with anger. Particular actions or words may naturally precipitate the emotion of anger, but we can rise above our impulses. We can confront people calmly and merely ask that they take responsibility for the actions that caused us pain. We can also ask for an apology. Isn’t that all we really want in the first place? It’s hard to believe that the purpose of anger is merely to punish. Why do we need to punish someone we love for making a mistake? Do we believe that this punishment is “deserved?” Aren’t we seeking compassion for the pain that has been caused instead of punishment?

Outside of the legal system, punishment seems to be a juvenile motivation when an adult makes a mistake that is not illegal. The only justified need for punishment is a parent or guardian who is trying to teach a child a lesson. Yet, even lessons can be taught without the emotion of anger. When dealing with equals, our punishment is futile. The only person who can inflict effective punishment is the person who commits the inequity. The only appropriate response to the injustice is remorse. We can express anger but if the person refuses to take responsibility, the anger serves no purpose.

Psychologists often say that it is better to feel anger than to suffer through pain. Pain is internal self-punishment; while anger is external and helps us release the emotion to the surface where it can be handled appropriately. In my opinion, anger is also self-punishment. By expressing anger, we hurt ourselves in a different way. We feel bitterness and hatred that can actually extend itself beyond the object of the anger. We also may take this anger out on people who do not deserve to be affected by it. There are many cases of individuals feeling anger about an external situation and in turn, express that same anger toward the people they love. The people closest to us do not deserve the anger of an unrelated event.

We hurt ourselves because anger has direct physical reactions that may not be apparent immediately. Our blood pressure rises, our heart beats faster, and we may be causing physical problems that can appear at a later time. Many doctors have reported that stress is one of the major causes of disease. Anger works in the same way. Anger is simply an overt expression of negative stress.

As the Dalai Lama further states in his book An Open Heart, “It is natural for us to experience emotions such as anger and desire… I am aware that in Western psychology, expressing feelings and emotions, even anger, is often encouraged. Certainly many people have endured traumatic experiences in their past, and if these emotions are suppressed, they may indeed cause lasting psychological harm… Having said this, I do feel that it is important to adopt a stance against strong emotions such as anger, attachment, and jealousy and devote ourselves to developing restraint. Instead of allowing ourselves to indulge in occurrences of strong emotions, we should work at decreasing our propensity toward them. If we ask ourselves whether we are happier when angry or when calm, the answer is evident… The troubled mental state that results from afflictive emotions immediately disturbs our inner equilibrium, causing us to feel unsettled and unhappy. In our quest for happiness, our main aim should be to combat these emotions… Mental afflictions do not disappear on their own accord; they don’t simply vanish over time. They come to an end only as the result of conscious effort to undermine them, diminish their force, and ultimately eliminate them altogether.”

In Ethics for the New Millennium, the Dalai Lama states, “To say that we need to curb anger and our negative thoughts and emotions does not mean that we should deny our feelings. There is an important distinction to be made between denial and restraint. The latter constitutes a deliberate and voluntarily adopted discipline based on an appreciation of the benefits of doing so. This is very different from the case of someone who suppresses emotions such as anger out of a feeling that need to present a façade of self-control, or out of fear what others may think. Such behavior is like closing a wound that is still infected.” He further states, “When we become angry, we stop being compassionate, loving, generous, forgiving, tolerant, and patient altogether. We thus deprive ourselves of the very things that happiness consists in. And not only does anger immediately destroy our critical faculties, it tends toward rage, spite, hatred, and malice – each of which is always negative because it is a direct cause of harm for others.”

We all have the power to control our reactions to certain situations. For example, suppose a husband walks into his bedroom and find his wife in the arms of another lover. Clearly, the first immediate reaction is anger and pain. Yet, if this person has incredible self-control, he needs to do nothing except make the couple aware of his presence. The two people who have committed the infidelity will naturally feel guilt, embarrassment and pain. If the wife loves the husband, she will probably beg for remorse. The husband does not need to react at all because the guilty parties will take responsibility. It is idealistic to assume that the husband will not feel pain but the pain can be healed over time. The anger expressed at the moment can never be taken back. In fact, the husband has a number of decisions in response to this scenario: 1) he can confront his wife calmly and hold her responsible for her actions, 2) he can explode with irrational anger, bitterness and hatred; 3) he can walk out of the room and deal with the situation at a later time; 4) he can provide her with the opportunity to feel remorse and ask forgiveness; 5) he can eventually forgive her; 6) he can repress what he saw and do nothing; or 7) he can choose to divorce her. Anger is only one of many responses to this painful situation.

The need to further “punish” the wife for her infidelity falls into the category of revenge, which is not an appropriate response (because revenge creates a separate negative action). If the husband is unable to forgive his wife’s indiscretion, he should divorce her without inflicting additional damage through revenge. Revenge not only punishes the wife unfairly but also hurts the husband by creating hatred, bitterness and aggression.

The Dalai Lama further states, ”An important practice is distancing ourselves from strong emotions before they arise in us… When we feel anger or hatred we think that that the anger is bringing more energy, more decisiveness, swifter reactions… However, there are many unfortunate repercussions… If someone treats us unjustly, we must analyze if we can bear the injustice. If the negative consequences are not too great, I think it is best to accept it… I think that anger and hatred actually cause more harm to us than to the person responsible for our problem. Imagine that your neighbor hates you and is always causing problems for you. If you lose your temper and develop hatred toward him, your digestion is harmed, your sound sleep goes, and you have to start to use tranquilizers and sleeping pills. You then have to increase the dosages of these, which harms your body. Your mood is affected; as a result, your old friends hesitate to visit you. You gradually get more white hair and wrinkles and you may eventually develop more serious health problems. Then your neighbor is really happy. Without having inflicted any physical harm, he has fulfilled his wish! If in spite of his injustices, you remain calm, happy, and peaceful, your health remains strong, you continue to be joyful, and more friends come visit you. Your life becomes more successful. This really brings about worry in your neighbor’s mind. I think that this is the wise way to inflict harm upon your neighbor… There is a certain irrationality in responding to injustice or harm with hostility. Our hatred has no physical effect on our enemies; it does not harm them. Rather, it is we who suffer the ill consequences of such overwhelming bitterness. It eats us from within… It affects us profoundly, while our enemies continue along, blissfully unaware of the state we have been reduced to.”

A situation that provokes the natural response of anger is only a test. Do we have the patience and restraint to avoid the natural tendency toward anger and hatred? Or can we rise above the situation and remain calm? According to the Dalai Lama, “When we are faced with an enemy, a person or group of people wishing us harm, we can view this as an opportunity to develop patience and tolerance. We need these qualities; they are useful to us. And the only occasion we have to develop them is when we are challenged by an enemy. So, from this point of view, our enemy is our guru, our teacher. Irrespective of their motivation, from our point of view enemies are very beneficial, a blessing.”

Anger is a form of temporary insanity. We may find that if we can restrain our initial impulse to respond, the anger naturally subsides with time. As a friend explained, “Some comments or actions have caused me to feel intense anger and I usually feel the need to respond to the injustice immediately. Sometimes my desire for confrontation is overpowering. If I can’t reach the person to express my feelings, I have resorted to writing an email so that I can get the issue ‘off of my chest’ immediately. Undoubtedly, my response is harsher than if I had waited a few hours or days to respond. In some cases, friendships have been severed as a result of my reaction. On the other hand, when I have allowed time to pass, I find that the anger naturally becomes less severe. In some cases, I wonder why I was so angry at the time. A comment that causes extreme pain can appear to be insignificant a few days later. I have learned that if I have the restraint to avoid a confrontation right away, my responses are much more humane.”

Other manifestations of anger include jealousy and impatience. Jealousy is expressed because we are afraid of losing someone or something that we believe rightfully belongs to us. How can this definition apply to a human being? We do not own people. Our partners do not belong to us. A relationship is the choice to be with a person we love. Jealousy often results without an action of physical intimacy toward another human being; instead, it is the feeling that the object of our love desires someone else. If our partner desires another human being, clearly an infraction has occurred and the relationship has been violated. We can respond by ending the relationship, forgiving the person, expressing envy, feeling pain or feeling jealous of the “object” of desire. Jealousy is only a symptom of a much larger problem. Anger will never cure jealousy because jealousy results from insecurity, low self-esteem, irrational mistrust or a belief that the relationship is in trouble. Anger only exacerbates the problems that already exist. The irony of jealousy is that it cannot exist with true love. Love is impossible without trust, while jealousy implies a lack of trust. Jealousy says more about the person who expresses it than any external situation that appears to precipitate it. Since jealous people feel that they must “own” their partners, inevitably jealousy in a relationship will ensure its failure. One person consistently feels anger at the slightest provocation and the partner feels resentment for the lack of trust. Jealousy in a relationship is anger that will ultimately lead to destruction.

Another form of anger is impatience. We have all at one time or another felt out of control by long lines, traffic jams or other people’s perceived incompetence. Anger never solves these problems because by definition, they are out of our control. Controlling anger means that we need to feel comfort with elements that we cannot affect. Switching lanes in a traffic jam does not make the problem go away. If there is no exit or alternative route, we will only hurt ourselves by feeling angry. Does the anger really make us feel better or worse? The anger also channels itself into guilt. Unfortunately, instead of feeling anger, we feel a range of negative emotions. We feel guilty for making someone wait; we feel irresponsible for being unable to make the appointment and we feel anger that an external event caused all of these unfortunate results. Life always presents unexpected surprises and some of these events are negative. Since we have all been faced with unfortunate external circumstances, most people will understand and forgive the event that precipitated the inconvenience. We need to take the natural anger we feel and release it. Anger is under our control. We can simply decide not to express it.

The most dangerous form of anger is anger towards ourselves. Why do we want to punish ourselves? Anger usually appears because we expect more from ourselves than we are capable of achieving. We schedule too many appointments; we have unrealistic goals; we set idealistic deadlines; or we just don’t feel like accomplishing tasks that would mitigate the anger toward ourselves. These circumstances are actually the easiest to control. We can change our expectations and we can “let ourselves off the hook.” We are only human and often we just need to adjust our view of reality. In essence, we do what we want to do. There is a limited amount of time in the day and every minute of the day, we set our priorities. Some priorities may conflict with preconceived commitments, but we have to realize that there is nothing wrong with changing our priorities. We need to live in the present, rather than the past or the future. Today’s present is tomorrow’s past and yesterday’s future. Without the present, the past and future do not even exist. Time is only an illusion. We will eventually accomplish what we need to accomplish and the timelines we set are merely arbitrary.

Anger results from so many factors that it is impossible to list them all here. Anger often arises from an inability to accept people who are different from ourselves or because we expect more from a person than he or she is able to give. We may also feel anger if our beliefs and behavior are rejected by others or if someone receives something that we believe we deserve. In essence, disagreement, differences or expectations provoke anger. All of these types of anger result from insecurity, impatience or an idealistic view of the world. If we were truly secure with ourselves, rejection or differences could never cause anger. We are all unique individuals. If we let these differences upset us, we will always feel anger instead of peace. Furthermore, if we were patient, we could adjust our expectations. Anger is merely a difference between our concept of “fairness” or “equality” and the reality of the world. Yet, the truth is that life just isn’t fair.

Anger is clearly a negative response, while patience and tolerance are positive attributes. Expressing positive emotions in response to a negative scenario is not a sign of weakness; it is an expression of incredible strength. Anger is easy; patience, restraint and tolerance are close to godliness.

If we love others, we should be able to give more power to our love than to our anger. When God is represented as angry and resentful, it is in violation with our concept of a loving God. Love is not anger. Love is not vengeful. As stated in the New Testament, “Love is always patient and kind, it is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense, and it is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure; whatever comes. “

If we have the power to overcome anger in the presence of pain, we have the strength to rise above our humanity. No other human being can “cause” us to feel anger; it is simply a personal decision that leads to more pain and suffering. Instead of feeling anger, we can feel compassion. Instead of negatively reacting without patience, tolerance or understanding, we can express restraint and forgiveness. If we love others as ourselves, we can suppress our “natural” tendency toward anger with an understanding that we are all human beings striving for perfection and ultimately, we can understand that everyone makes mistakes.

Anger is a “knee jerk” reaction when confronted with a problem, inconvenience or frustration. It is easier to say harsh words with a degrading tone of voice when our “buttons” are pushed. It is easier to yell at inconsiderate drivers than to show compassion for their obvious lack of respect. Any situation that “causes” anger is an opportunity. Each person who aggravates us is a potential teacher for us. We should just view each situation as a test of our patience and restraint.

Spiritual evolution is not supposed to be easy. If we let the situation pass without feeling anger, we may be surprised at the contentment that surfaces. There is a sense of satisfaction knowing that an external event cannot cause us to react internally. The rude driver continues his day without thinking twice about the anger that was expressed. Yet, the anger we feel can last for hours. One rude gesture can make us feel that our sense of justice has been violated. Instead of reacting to the loss of a few seconds on a highway, we feel anger about the larger injustices of the world. We need to put life back into perspective. We are all human beings rushing around trying to get from place to place -- and some people will not let others get in their way. These types of actions usually have nothing to do with us, so why do we react to them so negatively?

In Tamar Frankiel’s book, The Gift of Kabbalah, she states, “If all the therapies and healing movements of the last two centuries have accomplished anything, it is to demonstrate beyond doubt that some of the patterned physical and emotional responses we accumulate are counterproductive, self-contradictory, and damaging to health and relationships. This is not a big surprise: Jewish mysticism, along with many other spiritual traditions, recognized the danger of carrying negative emotions. Scholarly rabbis, Zen masters and Christian monks all agree that passions such as anger, lust, and depression are hindrances on the spiritual path.”

We not only have power in controlling our own emotions, but we also have the power to mitigate the anger of others by apologizing even when we know that an apology is unwarranted. For example, one evening, my mother made some lemon bars and I cut one of them while they were cooling. When she saw me eating the lemon bar, she became angry that I had not waited until all the lemon bars were cut evenly. Normally, I would have responded to her anger by becoming angry myself. The need to have equally cut lemon bars seemed to be a petty reason for an argument. However, I merely apologized for ruining all of the lemon bars (even though my father later cut the rest of the bars and they were all the exact same size). When this tactic for instigating an argument was unsuccessful, she accused me of ruining Thanksgiving dinner because now the lemon bars would not be evenly cut. Surely, this remark should have made me angry because it was an absurd proclamation. Yet, I knew I could simply refuse to respond with anger. I merely apologized for ruining Thanksgiving dinner by cutting a lemon bar before they were evenly cut. I knew these apologies were unwarranted but they served the purpose of ensuring that an argument could not take place. Mutual anger and arguments were avoided simply because I refused to “take the bait.”

Undoubtedly, we have the ultimate power over our emotions. In response to a chaotic world, we can choose not to react. We all have the strength to remain calm when the rest of the world is trying to drive us crazy. We don’t have to succumb to the chaos -- instead, we can transcend it. As cited in Proverbs 16:32, “He who is slow to anger is better than the strong man, and a master of his passions is better than a conqueror of a city.”

We do not need to automatically express our “normal” human reactions. If we can take a step back, breathe slowly, and find inner peace, we can respond to others with love and compassion -- instead of anger, impatience, bitterness and resentment. This internal strength increases our happiness, improves our health, strengthens our relationships, and ensures that others are not deeply hurt by words or gestures that can never be taken back.

Patience is a Virtue

Patience is one of the most important spiritual values; yet few of us have actually achieved this quality. Unexpectedly, our computer freezes or we get stuck in traffic and our natural tendency for impatience appears. For one moment (and perhaps even longer), we are filled with anger about something we cannot control. Impatience hurts no one except ourselves – unless we take out our anger on the people who are close to us. If we hurt others because we are frustrated by an uncontrollable event, we have committed an act of aggression that is completely unfair to the other person. The affected person did not cause the event, so why should he or she be punished by our inability to deal with it? And why should we punish ourselves for something that is out of our control?

Practicing patience takes incredible self-control. It means that we don’t let the frustrating external events affect our peace of mind. This philosophy is easier said than done. Impatience is a “knee-jerk” reaction. It feels like a natural reflex to the event that precipitated the emotion. Yet, we have the power to train our minds and to control our impatience. For example, I was once late to an appointment and I got stuck in a line at the post office. There was nothing I could do to change the situation because the package had to go out that day and the post office would be closed if I waited until the appointment was over. The woman at the counter was incredibly slow and spent time having casual conversations with the customers. I immediately felt my impatience rising to the surface, but I used the event to test my patience. I had control over the way I reacted to the situation – I could be patient or impatient. I knew that nothing would change by my impatience but for some reason, I initially believed that it was a necessary release for the anger I felt inside. Yet, then I realized that I didn’t need to feel the anger. Wasn’t this my own fault for not leaving enough time to mail the package? If I weren’t late, I could be patient because time wouldn’t matter so much. I then looked behind me. There were 15 other people standing in the same line due to the slow response from the counter. Instead of feeling impatient, I started to feel compassion for the other people. They would have to wait longer than I had to wait and I knew that all of them were feeling the same frustration over a circumstance that could not be changed. When I switched the anger and impatience to compassion, my emotional state completely changed. My impatience was gone. The worst thing that would happen is that I would be late to the appointment, which would probably be forgiven by agreeing to end the meeting at the same time as scheduled. I would just have to present my case faster than I expected. I knew that the lateness was not the post office’s fault; it was my own. Taking responsibility for the action reduced my natural inclination for frustration, and in turn, I conquered my feelings of impatience.

Why is patience so important? I think there are larger issues associated with obtaining patience, such as tolerance, self-control, and restraint. Without patience, we could never be tolerant of people who are different from ourselves. Instead, impatience can rise to the surface because we may believe that these people have views that are based on convoluted rationale or faulty logic. Only with genuine patience and an open mind, can we understand why they feel the way they do.

On the other side of the coin, many people feel impatient when they are confronted with someone who can’t understand what they are trying to say or when another person’s mind takes longer to process information (or to explain concepts). Inherently, we want other people’s minds to work in the same way that our minds work. If we can explain a concept in 5 minutes, we do not expect that others will take 20 minutes to explain the same thing. It takes great patience to understand that other people may need more time to comprehend information or to express a point of view. While this scenario is common when adults are trying to explain concepts to children, we tend to give children greater leeway. When adults are talking to other adults, they do not expect large discrepancies in the ability to process and regurgitate information. Yet, we all are different and our minds are different. A concept that seems obvious to one person may seem obscure to another. With tolerance, self-control and restraint, we can give the more leeway to people who may not live up to our expectations. Instead of being frustrated that someone else may process information slowly or differently, we should feel fortunate that our brains can rapidly comprehend difficult information. Patience also allows us to be tolerant of other’s opinions even if we don’t agree with them.

I once heard someone criticize a person who was having difficulty understanding a particular concept. He whispered to a mutual friend, “If you told her you would give her a penny for her thoughts, you would probably get change.” This is a case of extreme intolerance. Instead of being sensitive to the possibility that this person may process information differently, the slower response time was turned into a negative judgment and rude criticism (which was unfairly used to make one person feel superior to another). Patience with others means that we give them the benefit of the doubt. We don’t make unfair judgments and we don’t criticize; we simply understand that other people’s minds are different from our own.

Another downside of impatience is that we may not be able to effectively control our desires. We live in a “fast-food” economy and impatience causes us to want everything “now.” Without patience, we do not have the restraint to avoid fulfilling all of our desires as soon as we can. If we want to make money quickly, we may not have the desire to go to college because the degree delays our ability to generate income (unless we believe that college will increase our ability to make money, which makes us view college as a necessary investment in human capital). If we want to feel ecstasy now, we may not have the restraint to avoid alcohol and drugs. A state of natural ecstasy can exist by training the mind through meditation. This is the long path toward fulfillment and takes a strong commitment that does not “pay off” immediately. It may just be easier to obtain temporary ecstasy through mind-altering substances. Thus, by developing patience, we increase our self-control.

Impatience can also cause us to ruin relationships. For example, we may want serious romantic involvement immediately but this impatience can scare another person away. If we can be patient enough to wait for the right timing, we may find that a possible rejection is avoided. I once dated someone who I was not interested in romantically. Yet, he was very patient with me and never asked me to make a decision about pursuing an intimate relationship. A few months later, my emotions changed. If he had been impatient in the beginning of the relationship, I would have been forced to reject him before I could get to know him better.

Subtle impatience occurs when certain people’s behaviors “get on our nerves.” The “little things” can really bother us and annoying personality characteristics can cause extreme frustration. For example, some individuals eat with their mouth open or chew very loudly. Once this behavior is noticed, every single bite can sound like a hailstorm. Even though one person may be “polite” by not saying anything, he or she can be going crazy inside. Undoubtedly, we all know this is a trivial concern, but eventually it can become extremely annoying and the hidden frustration can easily turn into disparaging remarks. Subsequently, the loud eater is caught off-guard because he has no idea that something is wrong.

Another form of subtle impatience is when grown children visit their parents. Often, their parents’ intonations and body language immediately cause the children to express frustration and impatience as they are reminded of the way that they were treated long ago. Harmless statements can turn into arguments merely because the tone of voice was condescending. Spouses can also do things that are extremely irritating, or as Thomas Aquinas said, “familiarity breeds contempt.” A good example of this was portrayed in the movie, The Wedding Planner. The future bride said, “I hate that he sings in the shower and chews on pen caps and it drives me nuts when he rolls up his left pant leg after he has eaten too much.” Independently, none of these things seem particularly problematic. Yet, after a period of time, the little things cause the greatest amount of impatience. In all of these cases, we may find ourselves losing our temper over insignificant words and gestures. It takes great patience to ignore the little things bother us. We already know that these things are unimportant but without patience, they can seem to be bigger problems than they really are. To avoid outbursts, we have to be able to put things in their proper perspective. We need to be able to ignore the words and gestures that cause our tempers to rise. Self-control, tolerance and restraint are the qualities we need to overcome our natural tendency to overact.

Impatience also surfaces when people repeat themselves over and over. Inside, the listener is struggling against screaming, “But you have already said the same thing three times before and the last time you said it was only five minutes ago!” People who continually repeat themselves have a problem with memory (sometimes short-term memory and sometimes long-term memory). It is appropriate to remind the person that you have already heard the story in a compassionate way, such as “Yes, I remember that you told me about that; and wasn’t it wonderful.” The worst thing to do is to listen to the story again, while letting the anger, impatience and frustration build up inside. The response to the repeated story is usually curt and flippant because it can be infuriating to repeat a reaction that someone obviously did not hear the first time. However, if you can listen again and be silent and polite, while not harboring any negative thoughts, then it may be appropriate to hear the story again so that you can avoid embarrassing the person about his or her forgetfulness. The second method invokes compassion for the temporary lapse in memory and protects the person’s pride.

Impatience is like anger – we end up hurting ourselves through increased blood pressure, mental agitation, faster heart rates, and other negative physical conditions. Impatience also causes us to treat others with disrespect. Inevitably, the person who feels impatient takes out his or her anger on the person who is believed “responsible” for the inequity. At the post office, I saw customers treating the postal worker with contempt. She was doing the best that she could; the post office was simply understaffed. Yet she became the scapegoat for the post office’s inefficiency.

In general, we need to stop reacting to things we cannot control. Impatience is only frustration with the events of our lives that we cannot change. If we had control over these events, we would simply take action instead of feeling impatient. We have to understand that much of what we experience in life is out of our control. We can go to great lengths to ensure that we will not be stuck in a traffic jam, but an unexpected accident can still cause the traffic to come to a dead halt. There was no way to know that a car would lose control an hour before we left home. If we cannot change an event, we simply need to accept it rather than feeling anger that has no purpose except to upset us internally.

We also cannot change other people unilaterally. If we choose to feel anger every time someone does something we don’t like, we will live in a world of anger and impatience. In the end, we only hurt others and ourselves.

How do we change our natural tendency to become impatient? I suppose there are a variety of different methods that will control impatience: 1) we could be more tolerant of the perceived inadequacies, 2) we could feel sympathy for others who are faced with the same inconvenience, 3) we could express compassion for ourselves for having to face the negative scenario, or 4) we can forgive a personality characteristic that we judge negatively. We are all just human, after all.

We could also divert our thinking to control our peace of mind. If someone is driving us crazy, we can refuse to pay attention. While we are waiting impatiently, we could use the time to focus on our breathing, which stimulates an internal calmness and a sense of euphoria. Many people say they have no time to meditate because they believe that meditation has to be conducted in a certain way. Yet, meditation can happen anywhere. Instead of feeling frustrated about being stuck in a line that doesn’t move, we can use the time to meditate. Or maybe we can view the unfortunate situation as a way of meeting a stranger. Two people stuck in line are sharing something in common, which could be a way of starting a conversation. The resulting dialogue could reduce the impatience for both people. Though it is important to have a positive conversation even though the two people are experiencing a negative event. If we are in a car, we can use the time to read, listen to music, or hear a book on tape. Surely, these activities are better than feeling frustration over a problem that has no solution.

The irony of patience is that it requires patience to develop patience. It is a circular problem. If we are impatient with ourselves, we will not have the discipline necessary to develop patience. We need to be patient enough to calm our internal state of mind when it does not want to be controlled. It is easier to express anger and frustration than to find peace of mind through patience. Furthermore, patience leads to further patience and impatience leads to more impatience. For example, impatience may cause us to cut others off during a conversation when we feel that they are taking too long to express their point of view. If we could relax and let them take as long as they like to make their point, then other people would not express impatience in return. The patience of one participant in a discussion leads to patience in the other person as well. Or stated a different way -- if we are impatient with people, they respond with impatience. They start cutting us off because we did not give them the chance to finish what they were saying. We assume we knew where they were going, but perhaps we didn’t. Without patience, we can never know for sure.

As stated by the Dalai Lama, “We need to put the practice of patience at the heart of our daily lives. It is a question of familiarizing ourselves with it, at the deepest level, so that when we do find ourselves in a difficult situation, although we may have to make an extra effort, we know what is involved. On the other hand, if we ignore the practice of patience until we are actually experiencing trouble, it is quite likely we will not succeed in resisting provocation. One of the best ways to begin familiarizing ourselves with the virtue of patience is by taking time to reflect systematically on its benefits. It is the source of forgiveness… and it enables us to have compassion for the individual. Similarly, when we develop the ability patiently to forebear, we find that we develop a proportionate reserve of calmness and tranquility. We tend to be less antagonistic and more pleasant to associate with. This in turn, creates a positive atmosphere around us so that it is easier for others to relate to us. And being better grounded emotionally through the practice of patience, we find that not only do we become much stronger mentally and spiritually, but we tend to be healthier physically.”

Parents who are patient with their children help develop patience in the next generation. If we see our parents losing control when the slightest thing goes wrong, we are likely to emulate the behavior. It takes great patience to avoid being frustrated by children who may not always live up to our expectations. Though if we have the restraint to avoid impatience, we are helping our children achieve patience as well.

Even great spiritual leaders who understand the value of patience can be guilty of being impatient from time to time. I know of no one who does not list impatience as a fault. Even Jesus expressed impatience when others could not understand him. Patience is truly one of the hardest and most important virtues. It requires a detachment of ego or self from the event that is causing frustration. If we are attached to the outcome, we are more likely to pass judgment or to have certain expectations that cannot be realized. Developing patience is an understanding that inner peace, regardless of external circumstances, is sacred. In essence, patience requires us to rise above our humanity.

Every teacher needs to have patience with his or her students. Without patience, the student will never learn. Instead, there will be alienation from the professor and defensiveness from the student. Walls will appear that block the message from reaching its recipient. Impatience is condescending. The “victim” feels inferior and thus, will refuse to learn. We learn from the people we respect and we ignore the ones who we feel contempt for. If we have the desire to share our knowledge with others, we have to be patient enough to understand that everyone learns according to their own schedule. There are many individuals who now understand what Jesus was trying to teach, but it has taken 2,000 years for the messages to become clear. Humankind needed to evolve spiritually to understand the essence of his arguments and some priests still miss the major points even after years of dedicated study. Correspondingly, some individuals can spend the majority of their lives trying to understand the Kabbalah before the importance of its message is comprehended.

In general, the most effective method for increasing patience is by ignoring the insignificant things that bother us. The people who annoy us are not intentionally trying to hurt us; we are just irritated by things about them that we cannot control. If we can’t control their personalities, we have to realize that the annoying characteristics are here to stay. We can either exclude these people from our lives or choose to tolerate them. The inappropriate response is to lose patience with them. No one deserves to be treated with disrespect. If we cannot respect the people in our lives, we should probably limit our contact with them.

As further stated by the Dalai Lama, “As a second step to familiarize ourselves with the virtue of patience, it is also very helpful to think of adversity not so much as a threat to our peace of mind but rather as the very means by which patience is attained. From this perspective, we see that those who would harm us are, in a sense, teachers of patience… From adversity we can learn the value of patient forbearance. And in particular, those who would harm us give us unparalleled opportunities to practice disciplined behavior.”

With patience we can have respect for others who are different from ourselves, we can tolerate opinions that conflict with our belief systems and we can forgive personality characteristics that annoy us. Patience also allows us to understand that everything does not have to happen right away and we can feel forgiveness for unnecessary delays. Happiness can take a lifetime and love may not appear until we have given up on it. Timelines simply set expectations, but with patience we have the power to control our expectations. Frustration appears only when things happen slower than we think they should happen. If we expect that certain events will take a long time, we could be pleasantly surprised by their occurrence rather than frustrated by their delay. For example, if a little girl were told that she would meet her “prince” at the age of 60, she would not be surprised or impatient if she had not met him when she was 35. And if she did meet him at 35, she would be pleasantly surprised to have an extra 25 years with this person. If we expect that it will take an hour to mail a package, we may be pleasantly surprised by a 30-minute line.

We have to accept that we cannot control everything around us. After a husband dies, the wife sometimes waits impatiently to join him. Yet, without committing suicide, she must wait for her natural time of death. This does not mean that she wakes up everyday disappointed that she is still alive. She can still enjoy the time she has left. With a combination of patience and an ability to find activities that she enjoys, she can wait with a calm state of mind. Impatience is like watching grass grow. We can stare at the grass everyday with frustration that its progress is incredibly slow or we could lie in the sun and appreciate the nice days that contribute to its growth.

Virtues are never easy to obtain and patience is one of the hardest. Since we need patience to develop patience, the end goal can seem incredibly difficult, if not impossible. Yet, we all have the ability to cultivate patience in others and ourselves. It just may take a lifetime to accomplish it.