I Exist, Therfore I Am

Every action, thought, problem, relationship, and feeling is affected by our concept of “self.” Many talk about ego, but do we really know what it is? Do we know how to rise above our own egos? Do we know how to “detach” or why it might be important to be able to separate from our concept of self? For some people, the concept of detachment is impossible and the need for separation seems ridiculous. How could we possibly be without an ego, even if only for a moment? Ego defines who we are. What would we be without ego or self? We wouldn’t even be human. What’s so bad about trying to satisfy the ego since it encompasses the essence of humanity? Can we even consider defining ourselves without the use of the word “I?”

Ego is the reason we care what other people think. It is the reason we care if we are successful. The ego cares about winning arguments, being right, being respected and the ego craves acceptance, admiration and love. The ego is confident, ambitious, and may crave money, power and control. The ego has pride and it protects its own image. The ego defends itself when it is being attacked. It is the ego that would rather be unemployed than to take a job that is a career demotion. The ego seeks agreement and it often compels us to be around people who mimic our beliefs and opinions. Frequently, the ego looks for projections of itself in other people rather than being strong enough to face diversity and disagreement.

The ego is also insecure and driven by fear. Fear is one of the primary reasons that the ego does what it does. Without the fear of failure, loss of security or being alone, our egos wouldn’t care so much about many of the problems in our lives. The corruption of ego and need to exaggerate the importance of the ego at the expense of others brought about the genocide of World War II. Protecting the ego is equivalent to protecting a person’s self-image. Egos lead people to believe that others who are different are inferior. Egos make people think that they need to put others down to feel better about themselves. An ego-dominated person is more likely to hate than love. Egos bring about self-hatred as well. If the importance of the ego could be subordinated, a person would never commit suicide.

The ego needs to rationalize mistakes or hide insecurities. The ego needs to justify actions and decisions to others. The ego needs approval. If we were stronger than our egos, we would be comfortable with our past failures and lapses in judgment without having to prove to others that our actions were warranted.

It is extremely difficult to subordinate the ego so that we do not feel the need to rationalize our behavior to others. If we do not defend ourselves, we feel that we are subtly implying that we agree with perceptions about us that we know are untrue. For example, a previous business associate spent two years looking for a job without success. She was extremely qualified and had managed her career successfully. Yet, the downturn in the economy had forced many companies to eliminate senior management positions and every job received about 600 resumes. If a candidate’s experience did not match the job requirements perfectly, the candidate would be rejected. This business associate explained, “While I was struggling to find a job, others would assume that there was something wrong with me. They implied that I was lazy or unwilling to compromise. They couldn’t understand what I was going through because they were employed, so they made snap judgments that were extremely inaccurate. I spent an inordinate amount of time rationalizing my predicament to my friends. Instead of feeling better by being around people who I thought cared about me, I felt that I had to constantly explain every decision and action. The entire experience was emotionally draining and incredibly unfair.” This business associate was protecting her ego when it was under attack. If she had said nothing, she would have been perpetuating false images about herself and she may have eventually believed that the criticisms were true (because sometimes, we are also trying to convince ourselves).

Subordinating the ego does not mean that we do not defend ourselves; it simply means that we do not let other people’s opinions make us believe something that we know is untrue. If we are strong and have inner peace and confidence, our egos are not “bruised” when other people’s criticisms conflict with our own perceptions of reality. Insults have no power over our emotions; we may disagree with the criticisms but we do not get angry with the person who said them. In other words, we still protect our self-image, but we do not become emotionally involved with the outcome. If others choose not to believe our view of reality, we simply don’t care.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, the ego is what defines us; it is the part of us that experiences the external world through the senses; the ego organizes the thought processes rationally, and governs our actions. The ego is driven by our instinctual desires and adapts according to the conscience, or feels guilt and remorse according to preconceived standards for morality. Spiritually, we are conceived as energy but it is the ego upon which experience is superimposed, and upon which our actions and mental states are recognized. A person without an ego just isn’t a person. Ego is the “I” that we use to define our personal reality.

We often hear statements such as “your ego is getting in the way,” or “it is his ego that is causing all his problems,” or “he has a big ego.” These statements can seem absurd. How could the ego not get in the way? How can someone accuse the ego for problems? What does it mean to have a big ego?

Ego is merely our sense of self. When we are focused on ourselves, we are not focused on others or the environment that exists outside of ourselves. We can exaggerate the importance of our ego by refusing to pay attention to the forces that may be more important than our concept of self. For example, compassion surfaces only when our ego boundaries are dissolved.

Yet, we need to be realistic. Our concept of self is how we measure our experiences and feelings. We are human beings and even if our true reality is spiritual, it is difficult to detach ourselves from our perceived reality – but not impossible.

Ego attachment creates desire; we desire anything that pleases the ego. Detachment frees us from desires that can imprison us; detachment is a release from negative outcomes or feelings that might not please the ego. Yet, how would we accomplish detachment even if we wanted to? How do we extinguish our concept of self? Innately, the ego or “self-identity” believes that it is discrete and unique. Correspondingly, the ego assumes that it needs its individuality to survive.

Perhaps this conundrum is not about relinquishing self but by putting our egos in their proper perspective. Reality may be what we perceive happens to us or our egos, but if there were a way of seeing ourselves as part of a greater whole or as an entity that is not separate from the energy of the universe, then the concept of self is just part of something more powerful. The self would not exist alone and thus, would not desire things that pleased the ego in its isolation.

Instead of thinking about “I,” we may think about “us.” Then the desires are not just for the ego, but for our relationships with others as well. We may want to win an argument to please the ego, but we do not want to cause discomfort for the other parties involved in the discussion. We think about everyone’s egos instead of just our own. The ego might want to be right but this is accompanied with an understanding that other people’s egos also want to be right. The only way that we can consider the feelings of others is by detaching ourselves from our personal desires and by understanding the needs and goals of other people’s desires.

It is easier to attach to the desires of our egos than it is to detach. We know what we want and what makes us feel good, but it is harder to know what other people want. In order to detach, we must be able to develop empathy. We need to be able to place ourselves in other people’s shoes instantaneously. When we disagree with someone or make a judgment about someone, we need to immediately feel what the other person is feeling. We have to be able to see both sides at once. The only way to do this is by being able to separate ourselves from our personal egos at a moment’s notice, which requires the ability to detach from the concept of a discrete and individualized “self.” Our needs must be defined in relation to other people’s needs. If we care about the relationships we have with others, then the needs of the relationship take precedence over individual needs.

Detachment is a form of surrender because the ego is no longer devoted to achieving a specified result. Surrender allows us to flow with the forces of the universe rather than deciding that a predetermined outcome must be accomplished in a certain way. If we can detach our egos, we can let go of our control over the outcome.

Why would we want to accomplish this? We know the old saying that if we don’t take care of ourselves, no one else will. If we are constantly looking out for the interests of others, don’t our own interests get lost? The key is that our interests do not exist independently; they exist only in relation to others. We cannot desire love without having others involved. We cannot be successful without others’ cooperation. As part of society, we just do not exist alone. Our happiness can be determined by us but it is affected by everyone who comes into contact with us. Unhappy people usually blame others or external events. Sadness is usually based on a focus on what we do not have. If our negative attributes exist in relation to others or external factors, then our positive ones do as well. If we focus on the “we,” then our interests are automatically included.

In The Way, Michael Berg tells the story of two men who are in a fishing boat. One of the men starts drilling a hole in the bottom of the boat and the other man starts screaming at him to stop. The first man tells his friend not to worry because the hole is only under his seat. Michael Berg says, “each of us is intimately involved with the fortunes of all of us…our positive deeds allow others to act in ways that would not have been possible had we not acted. And likewise, when we move toward the negative side of selfishness and self-interest, the world tilts toward negativity…Our positive and negative actions, no matter how small, influence the spiritual state of the world.”

Detachment allows us to be free from the unilateral demands of “self.” It allows us to see “self” in relation to others. Instead of thinking, “I have to win this argument and be right,” the thought changes to “we need to come to a resolution that makes both people better off.” Detachment requires that we love others as we love ourselves.

Melinda Ribner (author of New Age Judaism, Ancient Wisdom for the Modern World) says, “Love asks us to transcend our ego and sense of separateness and self-importance, to become giving and expanded rather than selfish and limited. Kabbalah teaches that the main challenge we have in life is to transform the desire to receive for ourselves into the desire to share with others. This challenge confronts us daily in all our interactions with others. Am I going to open my heart and let the natural flow of love come through me or will I block it with self-absorbed concerns or fears? How do we become more giving and less selfish? First we recognize that we are all interconnected…when we give to another person, we are in essence giving to ourselves. This is a most important concept. When we give, we are expanding our sense of self…By giving to others, we essentially give to ourselves…when we give to someone they become a part of us. We have a stake in their well-being. The more we give, the greater we become. Our lives are greater than our own. Our lives include many others as well. We have to realize that by giving we do not become less but more. On a physical level, it would appear that when we give, we have less. Sometimes we are afraid that we will be diminished by giving. We are afraid that we will be taken advantage of, exploited or controlled…However, on the spiritual level, we actual increase what we have and become greater.”

Even when a person is alone, there is still a “we.” If we believe that we are part of universal energy (or God), then we can always be connected to a more powerful energy force. The concept of self merges into the power of the universe. Even though we were created in God’s image, God does not have an ego.

Instead of asking, “what does God want from me?” we should ask what God wants from humanity as a whole. If God is a “parent” who has billions of children, wouldn’t He want everyone to care about others the same as they care about themselves? Wouldn’t He want us to feel that every other person in this world was part of our family? In a family, the siblings care about each other primarily because they are related. One sister might not like the other sister, but she might say, “I will still help her because she is family.” What if we viewed every person on this planet as family? Could we see the ego as a part of a greater whole?

Melinda Ribner, further says, “If we truly want to come close to God we must let go of our egos and physical attachments and trust our inner voices even when they don’t make sense…truly great people can easily surrender their egos to God…Just as a seed has to rot before it becomes a plant, so similarly, we have to suspend limiting ideas of self in order to allow something greater to come through us… It is only through self-nullification, through surrender, that a person may experience the oneness of God.”

It is easier to attach to the ego because it is all we know in this reality. When we look in the mirror, we see our physical selves. We do not see the transcendent spirit that can connect with everything else (or take any form). Since this energy is based on faith, we may tend to discount its ability to become one with all other energy. Detachment from the ego is liberating. We become less invested in particular outcomes. Problems don’t seem so serious and joy is easier to obtain. Separating oneself from self is powerful. The needs of the ego don’t predominate one’s feelings or actions at the expense of the needs of every other person on this planet. The needs of humanity, society, and our relationships with others take precedence over individual needs.

Maybe the quote “I exist, therefore I am” should be changed to the phrase, “We exist, therefore we are.” If we see our existence in terms of our relations to others, then everyone is better off. Instead of having one person caring about his or her individual needs, there could be two or more people caring about each other’s needs. There is power in numbers. The word “we” is always stronger than “I.”

Acceptance and Rejection

After our basic needs for food and shelter have been satisfied, most of us are driven by our need for acceptance. We want others to like and respect us and a negative judgment about our character, behavior or personality can be devastating. The need for acceptance appears to be external, but it is not. Acceptance from others is futile if we first do not accept ourselves. If others accept us while we reject ourselves, we can never gain genuine confidence, security and self-esteem. We have also become confused by thinking that if we are accepted by others, we are worthy of love. Ironically, acceptance is usually more correlated to the person judging than to the person who is judged. Many people accept others only if similar characteristics are shared.

Accepting differences is usually very difficult. Could the Germans accept the Jews in the 1930’s? Weren’t these people ostracized only because they had different beliefs, culture and physical appearance? In Nazi Germany, there was only one question used to measure the value of a person’s character – “are you identical to us or not?” The Jews were not the only victims of prejudice. Other people who were obviously different from Aryans were also targeted for extinction; in fact, homosexuals and gypsies were some of the first people who arrived at concentration camps. His dream was a world where everyone was similar to him – a place where acceptance was based only on the presence of identical physical features, beliefs and heritage. If he had won the war instead of losing it, we can also assume that he would have tried to exterminate the Japanese after their purpose was fulfilled. Their genetic differences are clearly obvious. Hitler’s only loyalty was to his own race. The 1,000-year plan was a world of pure Aryans, which means that Orientals and all other races and religions would have had to be eliminated at some point in the future.

Why are people motivated to hate? Hatred breeds on itself and becomes a common bond for making the persecutors feel superior to others. Jewish children could not understand what they had done wrong during World War II and when Osama Bin Laden attacked the US, many Americans questioned whether the country’s actions created the irrational hatred. Terrorists also caused an increased prejudice toward Muslims because some people believed that a minority of evil people represented the totality of a beautiful, peaceful religion. There are 1.3 billion Muslims in the world. It is the world’s second largest religion. The terrorists represent their own interests -- not the interests of Muhammad and Islam.

Genocide and murder are the natural outcomes of mass rejection and hatred -- and the truly blasphemous rationalize their killings in the name of God. God is the tragic victim of hatred. We think that God must not exist in evil people or tragedy. Yet, God is there – intimately suffering the pain of the hatred. Evil people are weak and severely lack self-esteem. Their only cure is to convince themselves of false superiority by believing that others are inferior. It is extremely difficult to be good. It is easier to convince ourselves that people who are different from us are “bad,” and if people who are different from us are bad, then we can falsely deduce that we are good. The power of this faulty logic can be hypnotic and can result in the brainwashing of entire groups of people. There is power when a group unifies against a common enemy or shares a common philosophy or hatred. The unity builds on itself and creates a life of its own. Each person feels stronger sharing his or her similarities. If the similarity is hatred, the hatred breeds further hatred, which inevitably leads to an extermination of the object of the hatred. Jews were killed, blacks were hung, and innocent Americans were murdered when the World Trade Center towers were destroyed. Propaganda is an important part of the indoctrination. In the 1930’s, Hitler’s speeches monopolized the airwaves, papers and radio. Mussolini’s propaganda machine was fueled through censorship and Osama Bin Laden banned outside information from reaching Afghanistan. Cult leaders prohibit exposure to external friends and family so that their influence can completely monopolize a person’s soul. When only one side of a story is presented continuously, it is difficult, if not impossible to have the opposite view – especially when criticism can result in expulsion, rejection and possibly death.

Why is it easier to hate than to love? We know that love makes us happy and hate makes us cynical and bitter. Love brings out the best in us and hate brings out the worst. So why would we ever choose hate over love? Hate has power through fear. The power of the bully on the block is the fear of his hatred and potential aggression. The bully doesn’t need to fight as long as others remain afraid. Ironically, the common hatred bonds the people who hate and they think they have found an intimate connection with other people’s negativity. A form of intimacy is developed simply by sharing and reinforcing the evil intentions.

Weak people are afraid of others who are different. If someone is weak and insecure, acceptance is based only on agreement and similarity. Obviously, these prejudices violate the principle that all “men” are created equally. Insecurities have misconstrued this philosophy to imply that all people should have equal beliefs, heritage, religion and race. Equality is created instead of accepted. For these people, men are not created equally but if two people are perceived to be “equal,” then acceptance is then assured. Although both Hitler and Napoleon wanted to control the world, the primary difference is that Napoleon did not try to exterminate all people who were not French. Napoleon needed acceptance politically while Hitler needed acceptance genetically. These principles are no different from the politics that exist within a large corporation. The people who keep getting promoted are the ones most similar to Senior Management. Some employees purposely become “yes men” because they know that agreement means acceptance. This philosophy was also repeated during the McCarthy character assassinations. If you were a capitalist, you were accepted but if you believed in an alternative form of government, your life was ruined.

Acceptance should be granted unconditionally. If we all share the need for acceptance, then why can’t we simply accept other human beings because we share the human experience? We don’t need to accept everyone as a friend or a lover. That is conditional acceptance. The ultimate goal is the acceptance of a human being as a person who faces the struggles of life and survives. I don’t know one person who has not faced personal difficulties. The world is not necessarily fair and we are all subjected to the inequity of humanity. Some people are luckier than others, or more attractive, or smarter, or grew up in privileged environments. An extremely talented person may receive significantly less income than a person who is less talented and a competent employee can lose his or her job based on politics or sabotage.

The inequity of the human experience begins at birth. The statement that we are all created equally does not mean that we are equal externally. It means that in the eyes of the universe, no human being is superior to another. Thus, having more money or better looks or greater intelligence does not translate to superiority. Society has conditioned us to believe that external gifts translate to greater value in relation to others. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. A gift is only a gift. The challenge in life is how that gift is used. If the gift is used as a way of feeling superior to others or to make others feel less worthy because they do not have the same gift, an ethical violation has occurred. We all are given gifts in life. One gift is not better or worse than another, it is only different.

Acceptance may require that we look for positive qualities in others that we may not possess ourselves. We are all unique and some are born with talents or physical attributes that another person may not possess. As the Dalai Lama stated in An Open Heart, “Sometimes, when I meet someone and feel that I am a little better than this person, I look for some positive quality of the person. He may have nice hair. I then think, I am now bald, so from this point of view the person is much better than I am. We can always find some quality in someone else where we are outshone. This mental habit helps in countering our pride and arrogance.”

The fear of rejection can be paralyzing. Since we were young, we have sought acceptance from parents, friends, society and ourselves. In grammar school, was there any feeling worse than being the last one picked for a team? How did we feel when we were excluded from the “popular” parties? Or when our “crush” chose to be with someone else? One of my best memories from High School was when the Captain of the Football team told me that he had broken up with his girlfriend to go out with me. I didn’t even consider the pain that she might have felt. Instead, I was overwhelmed by the thrill of acceptance. Acceptance and rejection became the foundation of our four-hour nightly phone calls to all our friends. Being popular meant everything.

The need for acceptance appears to decline as we get older and more secure but it never really goes away. Some people are so scarred by early rejections that they carry these rejections with them even after their popularity is secure. A girlfriend with an extremely attractive body confessed, “I see so many physical flaws when I look in the mirror. I was fat when I was in grammar school and everyone made fun of me. No matter how thin I became, I always heard their words. I have never been able to look at myself objectively. I know I am not overweight now but the ‘fat little girl’ seems to haunt me. When people compliment my body, I still can’t believe that the words are true.”

In life, we learn that as we experience something over and over, it becomes easier. Running a mile can be difficult but if we run a mile every day, the strain disappears. However, the pain of rejection does not get easier over time; it actually gets harder. Each rejection brings back memories of all the other rejections that came before. The pain is multiplied, instead of reduced. We can even feel pain when we are rejected by someone or something that we never desired because the overt rejection can make us feel inferior or unwanted. For example, a romantic rejection can be painful even if we had already decided that the potential partner was undesirable. Apparently, many of us carry a memory of pain that is automatically activated by rejection. Ironically, the reason for a romantic rejection may not result from a lack of interest – instead, it can be instigated by the fear of rejection from the other party. If someone receives subconscious rejection signals during an encounter, he or she may reject the other person due a fear of being rejected first. I once dated a person who proudly proclaimed that he had never been rejected by a woman. In his mind, he rejected every woman he dated. We dated for three months until I realized that his arrogance was unbearable. Although I told him the relationship was over, he still tells his friends that he was the one who rejected me. He is so fearful of having to face rejection that he can actually create an alternate reality.

Any type of rejection can be devastating since love and acceptance are our primary desires. Children rejected by their parents can feel unworthy of love forever. Rejection from a particular college or job can seriously threaten our self-worth. People respond to rejection differently to ensure self-survival. Some people stop trying to achieve their dreams because they are afraid they will fail. When individuals fall into their “comfort zone,” they can stay there indefinitely. The fear of the unknown may be more uncomfortable than the boredom of a monotonous routine. We simply “resign” instead of putting ourselves in a situation that has the possibility of rejection. We know that the worst that can happen is that someone says, “no,” but hearing the words can be debilitating. Other people take rejection so seriously that they end up rejecting themselves. They start believing that some people’s opinions are reality and consequently, they lose their self-respect and confidence.

We may not realize how much we need approval from others. Rightfully so, many people say that they are not influenced by the opinions of others; they believe that they are the masters of their fate. Yet, the need for approval can hide beneath the surface – affecting us in very subtle ways. Since we don’t usually test our willingness to go against the norm, we may not know whether conformity still influences us. A friend related the following story; “I spent my entire life doing exactly what others expected of me. I followed all the rules. I went to a top business school, I obtained senior management positions in corporate America and I earned a good income. Yet at one point in my life, I decided that I no longer wanted to pursue capitalistic goals. Instead, I needed to work for a humanitarian organization. I thought others would support my decision, but instead, I was exposed to judgment and criticism. I was told that my talents would be wasted and my friends and family insisted that I was making the wrong decision. They wondered why I wouldn’t just be happy doing volunteer work on the weekends. No matter what I said, they could not understand why I would ever consider a job that paid a third as much as I could make in the corporate world. In their minds, money was the measurement of success and if I desired a career that did not pay good money, I was a failure. I found myself over-rationalizing my decision and I was extremely hurt by their rejection. I always believed that I was a non-conformist but when I was faced with rejection, I realized that I was still influenced by other people’s opinions. I did not change my decision, but it took tremendous strength to pursue a new career that was not supported by the people who cared about me.”

Even though we know it is our egos that want to conform, it can be very difficult to suppress the need for ego-fulfillment. Some individuals may even change their personality or character to avoid criticism. It can be extremely difficult to be true to yourself when others are criticizing you. For instance, one of my colleagues is a profound thinker and she was gifted with a brilliant mind. It is one of her best qualities. However, her boyfriend continually criticized her desire to think about philosophical issues. He said that she should stop thinking all the time and he told her that she would be unhappy unless she was willing to develop different hobbies and special interests. He could not understand how analytical thinking could be satisfying because he was happier with superficial interests and conversation -- and he could only see the world through his own eyes. Sadly she said, “I couldn’t understand how he could tell me that I wasn’t having any fun because I liked to think deeper than he did. He would never believe that my analytical interests provided much more fulfillment than a game of tennis. I think my desire for knowledge must have threatened him in some way. He just couldn’t understand why I would want to keep studying long after I had graduated from school. Eventually, I found that I was ashamed to talk about the subjects that interested me the most. I thought I didn’t need other people’s approval, but the pain of his rejection made me realize that I am still influenced by other people’s opinions. I knew I had two choices -- I could give up what was most important to me to obtain his acceptance or I could exclude him from my life. Needless to say, I ended the relationship. If he could not accept my desire to be analytical, he could not accept me. His rejection hurt; but it would have been much worse if I had ended up rejecting myself.”

Individuals who have learned to accept themselves do not let external circumstances or other people’s opinions and judgments damage their self-worth. Why would anyone give another person so much power over influencing his or her life? There is a famous quote: “The greatest power is not what man possesses, but what possesses him.” When secure individuals are rejected romantically, they can separate the acceptance of the relationship from the acceptance of their own personality characteristics. When they are rejected for a job, they understand that the requirements of the job did not match their professional capabilities and experience. In fact, very successful and talented people are rejected every day because they appear to be overqualified for the position they are considering.

Rejection can be viewed as positive instead of negative. If one person provides significant information to another person without receiving the same information in return, he or she is allowing the other person to accurately end a “relationship” that would have eventually been perceived as negative by both parties. The information can be hidden in the short term, but eventually we reveal the whole truth. Inevitably, the relationship still ends; it just takes longer to figure out. Therefore, an early rejection is positive because there was less time to develop a deep attachment or commitment to the other person. If the relationship is doomed to fail, an early rejection can be a blessing by saving us from a wound that is harder to heal. For example, a friend related a similar example: “For the first month I dated Jim, I decided that it was better to hide my desire to talk about intellectually stimulating subject matter. I avoided subjects that revealed my intensity. Everything went great and I found myself becoming emotionally connected to him. Yet, the charade could not continue forever. I became extremely bored by our superficial conversations so slowly I began to reveal my true character. It quickly became obvious that we had nothing in common except a physical attraction for each other. He wanted to talk about sports and I wanted to talk about life after death. I wanted to explore the mysteries in life and he did not want to talk about anything that could not be proven in black and white. After the relationship ended, I realized that I wasn’t fooling anyone but myself. The pain was so much worse because emotionally, I had grown attached to him. If only I had been true to myself from the beginning, I would have endured much less pain in the end.”

Due to our need for acceptance, we can convince ourselves that we want things that are actually undesirable. For example, if the majority of women are influenced by fashion magazines to wear longer skirts, they may change their wardrobe even if longer skirts are not flattering. Men who are influenced by advertising campaigns can be convinced to buy cars that aren’t really practical for their needs. Does a single person really need an SUV?

Why are other people’s opinions more important than our own? Why do we feel the need to conform? Do we have the courage necessary to go against the flow? And if we decide to go against the majority, do we know which way we want to go? As Erich Fromm stated in The Art of Loving, “If I am like everybody else, if I have no feelings or thoughts which make me different, if I conform in custom, dress, ideas, to the pattern of the group, I am saved; saved from the frightening experience of aloneness… Most people are not even aware of their need to conform. They live under the illusion that they follow their own ideas and inclinations, that they are individualists, that they have arrived at their opinions as the result of their own thinking – and that it just happens that their ideas are the same as those of the majority.”

There is an advantage to being different because we can influence people’s opinions in very subtle ways. We just need to figure out how we want to express our uniqueness of character and once we decide, we need to have the confidence to carry it off. We cannot be afraid that our performance or appearance will not be accepted by everyone. We just need to be able to accept it ourselves.

The other interesting fallout from our need for acceptance is the weight we place on negative comments. We can hear 100 compliments and one insult and we spend a disproportionate time thinking about the negative comment. The positive words seem to roll off our backs, while the negativity sticks to us like glue. We are our own worst critics because it is difficult to feel confident and secure in a world that is dominated by judgment from others. In the movie, Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts accurately stated, “the bad things are easier to believe.” Why would we pay more attention to our criticisms than our compliments? Why can we do 20 good things in our jobs without comment but hear hours of criticism about our latest mistake? Why does the bad carry more weight than the good? Is it because we are looking for people’s vulnerabilities, including our own? In High School, we were taught that modesty was positive and conceit was negative. Did we translate that philosophy into a belief that we have to ignore our positive attributes and focus on our faults? Is it really that hard to believe in ourselves?

Correspondingly, we need to understand that negative words have extreme power over others. In a moment of rage, we may say things that are vindictive and heartless due to an impetuous desire to lash out at the object of our anger. Although we may not believe that our criticisms are true and we may not want to hurt another human being intentionally, once the words are said, they can never be taken back. I remember some criticisms from guys I dated 20 years ago. We may forgive the person but the words stay in our heads forever. These words (that may not even be truthful) linger on to damage our self-confidence for years to come. Since words have power, we all need to restrain ourselves during moments of hostility. Someone can say something that causes our blood pressure .to rise and we may feel justified in being cruel. Yet, we need to remember that anger is a form of temporary insanity and we do not have the right to hurt someone else simply because our emotions are out of control. We may want to explode after someone says something that offends us, but we must remember that it is only because our egos are bruised. If we can detach ourselves from our egos, we can avoid hurting someone who does not deserve it

I think the weight that is placed on any comment is directly related to a person’s self image. If a person has low self-esteem, insults probably aren’t as painful. For example, if someone weighs 350 pounds, he or she may not react to a statement about being overweight. If someone is five pounds overweight, however, the comment can be devastating. I suppose it’s like a polygraph. When we tell the truth, the line stays flat but the minute we say something that conflicts with our view of reality, the lines start moving all over the page.

We need to put as much weight on the positive as we do on the negative -- or we just need to realize that if a negative comment upsets us, it is only because we have a positive view of ourselves. Nobody can affect our self-image without our consent. We have to understand that everyone can be a critic but the only true criticism is a negative attribute that we choose to accept. If someone calls us a liar and we know that we aren’t, we just have to ignore the statement. We need to recognize that our good qualities are based entirely on our own evaluation; and if there is something about us that is perceived as negative (in our own eyes), then we just need to be committed to change.